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Original poster

My DD 6yrs In Spiteful Cheeky Phase And Just Called My Dad Fatty

28 replies

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 28/12/2011 11:04

Our DD 6yrs old who I am already exasperated with because she is going through a phase of being spiteful and cheeky , has just called my dad fatty. I am saddened by this as he worships her. Am looking for some support on how to deal with her .Am worn out after Christmas and feeling a bit low anyway as I have a chronic pain illness and my DC are wearing me out. I have already asked her to consider how her DG may feel but am wondering if anyone out there is going through anything similar and whether anyone has any tips on how to manage her.

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exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 22:21

You don't want to pussyfoot around. Don't ask her to consider how he feels, tell her that she has to consider other people's feelings, whoever they are, and it simply isn't acceptable to be rude. Finishing with she is not to do it again.

Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 00:07

Thanks exotic . She is behaving like some diva teen off an American teen show. I can't stand it Sad And I actually feel disappointed in myself , because I see it as though I am failing as a mother. I told her in no uncertain terms what I expect of her .

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CheerfulYank · 29/12/2011 02:56

Just checking in. I'm putting DS to bed now but I'll be back later once I've had a think. :)

TruthSweet · 29/12/2011 03:04

Hi Nanny - going through much the same with my DD1 too. It's the smirking and deliberate disobedience that gets to me - she starts smirking and you get that sinking feeling as you know it's all going to kick off.

I feel like I am failing too. I'm volunteering at our local children's centre tomorrow so I am going to ask one of the outreach workers for help. I can't cope like this much longer and if she is going to put her sisters at risk then I don't know what I can do.

She is the loveliest little girl though, bright, funny, so caring and thoughtful, it's just like she has a split personality at times. Sad

Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 03:22

cheerful and truth thankyou x

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TruthSweet · 29/12/2011 03:24

If I get any good advice from the outreach worker I'll post them here. Every little helps and all!

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 07:39

You are not failing! DCs learn what is acceptable and not acceptable from the adult. She is a very youngl DC and you are treating her like an adult-you are telling her what you expect and expecting her to do it!
When they are babies they are, generally, no trouble because they don't see themselves as a separate person. At around 2 yrs they discover that they have a will of their own and they use it! No becomes a favourite word and they often tantrum if they are frustrated. They pick up on all sorts of things-it isn't just words-they read your body language. She is now 6 yrs old and it would appear from your post that she is used to getting her own way because no one likes to rock the boat and be unpleasant. I may be guessing here. I have no doubt her grandad loves her to bits but the 'worship' part makes him sound rather a doormat and pushover. There is no need for him to take it-he could tell her that it is a nasty thing to say and how would she like it if he called her a fatty.
I think that you need to be firmer in your language and back it up with the body language that shows that you expect her to comply. You say 'our' so I assume that you have a DP or DH to sit down with and decide on a joint policy?

changeforthebetter · 29/12/2011 07:48

I think her long-lost twin sister must be living in my house OP

She does this sardonic laugh which I absolutely loathe. She is using fat as an insult but also calls herself fat which is an absolute joke as she is tiny. I think a lot of the phrases and attitudes come from school. There is one little girl whose behaviour is just vile - we had a bout of racist insults earlier in the year courtesy of her. I came down on those like a ton of bricks. I am just trying to be absolutely firm about unacceptable language. She does come and apologise. It is such a shame as she can be a sweetheart also.

I am not relishing thought of the teenage years Sad

Scootergrrrl · 29/12/2011 07:51

What about trying a stern "Is that a kind thing to say to someone who loves you?" Young children don't have much empathy, in my opinion, but they do know the difference between right and wrong. Do you think she's doing it as an attention thing if she knows you're run ragged and in pain Sad?

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 29/12/2011 07:51

Erm what did you actually do about her behaviour other than asking her to consider her GP feelings??

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 07:57

The mistake is thinking they will be sweethearts all the time. No one can! They get overtired, frustrated, angry, over emotional like everyone else. They have to learn to cope with all the emotions they experience and it is the parent's job to help them. Life isn't all sweetness and light, they will get disappointed etc and they have to deal with it.

Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 08:35

truth yes please , do let me know any tips.
exotic thankyou for your message .
You have quite rightly picked up that my dad does not like to rock the boat with her .
I wish that he would challenge her more , but I have raised this subject and it does not fit in with his idea of being a grandparent .
My DH works shifts - unfortunately a lot of the time he starts work an hour before she finishes school and works at the weekend when they are at home so I am often dealing with the children on my own.
She is a very thoughtful kind child , I don't want to paint her out to be wholly unpleasant - but as I say , I am struggling with her cheek and attitude .
She is also sometimes physically rough with her 3yr old brother , but the flip side is that she has always been very protective of him

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Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 08:36

Queen I gave her time out - I am looking for support here so do you have any suggestions ?

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Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 08:43

Scooter yes- she is very perceptive and fully aware that most of the time I am unwell.
She has wanted a lot of physical affection over the holidays , which I give her.
She really does not like my DH working lates as she misses him after school, and I know this is a big thing for her . She often talks about this or gets tearful . My DH is trying to get another job 9-5 but it is very difficult.
I am often immobile due to pain and I do worry about the effect this has on her .

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Snorbs · 29/12/2011 08:44

Both of my DCs went through similar phases. What seemed to work was to remove them from the room and, in a calm but very firm voice say that what they said was hurtful and that you do not want to hear it again. And they need to go and apologise. End of discussion. Keep it short. Long lectures at that point don't help. Later on maybe then have a proper two-way discussion about feelings and how would they like to be called names by someone they really love.

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 08:44

I think that the relationship with her brother is pretty normal.
I can see that your father doesn't want to be the disciplinarian in his role as grandparent but I think he could make sure that he is treated with respect. He doesn't have to get annoyed, he just needs to say that he isn't going to play with someone who calls him fatty.
Even though DH isn't there I think that he could chat with her when he does see her and tell her that calling people names is very hurtful.
It seems to me that they all have little time with her so don't want to spoil it -they are leaving it to you to be the lone 'bad guy'. You need some back up.

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 08:46

I agree with Snorbs-at the time you don't want endless discussion-just a firm 'you can't say that' and make them apologise. Discuss it later.

Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 08:50

change I am glad I am not on my own !
Yes, I think a lot of the 'attitude' comes from school.
She is as quiet as a mouse at school though.
I know she struggles with the length of the school day. She gets very overtired and run down easily .

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Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 08:58

Thankyou Snorbs and exotic you are right .
I do feel as though I am constantly having to raise my voice etc to deal with unwanted behaviour , and I am really tired and desperate for some lengthy child free time (as much as I love them ) .

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exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 11:17

She knows the rules at school and it shows she can stick to them! However, being overtired will make her far worse when she relaxes at home.
Can't you leave her with Grandad and get a break or send her out with Grandad? I think that you would feel better with a rest.

TruthSweet · 29/12/2011 14:58

Hi NannyPlum - spoke to the outreach worker today and she suggested scrapping the step and 1,2,3 techniques as they are obviously not working. In their place she suggested lots of positive reinforcement and praise when she is behaving well and ignoring mild naughty behaviour but if she is being very naughty or doing something dangerous making it clear that it wasn't allowed and why (not getting into long explanations just 'You can't hit, you can hurt your sister hitting').

duvet · 29/12/2011 17:12

I have just been going through a similar thing with my dd2 she was becoming very cheeky and answering back and like you I felt like I was failing, but didnt know what to do it was just wearing me down then I thought I'd remind myself of Supernanny's techniques on youtube, I know she's not everyone's cup of tea, but she does have some good tips on dealing with rudeness, answering back etc and she also deals with how to speak to your children when disciplining i.e. get down to their level and tone of voice, firm but not shouty etc I remember one episode where she gets the mum to practice beforehand! I realised we had let things slip with my dd2 and watching it got me back on track because I was despairing before, it gave me the confidence to start doing something about it! You're not a failure when you recognise something needs to change and your trying to do something about it.

The clip I watched was The Bailey Family 5/7, where the girl is cheeky to her mother. When I first began to be more firm, dd2 said to me well you never said anything to me about walking away before, when I told her it was rude to do when I was talking to her! But she has responded well to it - let us know how it goes with you.

Original poster
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 29/12/2011 21:28

Thankyou truth exotic and duvet.
I really appreciate you taking the time to post and you have raised some valid points . I do need a rest , I am overtired and will be much more able to cope if I hand them over for a little while .
I do need to go back to square one and use some tried and tested techniques .
Thankyou all for understanding and pointing me in the right direction . I will make a fresh start with DD tomorrow .

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Kiwiinkits · 30/12/2011 07:43

Its tough trying to parent when you're run down, can grandad take her for a few days and perhaps have a little chat with her about calling people names?

on a different note, the tween shows on the Disney channel model some appalling princess pouty crap behaviour, if it's not coming from school it could be coming from after school tv?

sparkle12mar08 · 30/12/2011 18:29

I would go absolutely nuclear if my child knowingly used 'fatty' as a calculated insult. Absolutely unacceptable in this house. It would be a severe telling off, and quite likely straight to bed depending on the time. So from a personal point of view I would go zero tolerance. Take away something she values every single time such things occur. Total consistency is also key. It's just so very wearing though isn't it?