My 5 year old, much loved dd, is honestly at times a horrible, horrible child.

[Petraperfect]

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

She screams, she tantrums, she hits me. Everything is a battle. Going to the supermarket to buy a Christmas Tree this morning I was hit, smacked and pushed throughout the entire trip. This was because I refused to buy her cuddly toy.

She stays awake until ten, shouting for me to come to her for a drink, toilet, cuddle, whatever.

We probably have three meltdowns a day, where she is totally beside herself and out of control. Screaming, shouting, telling me she hates me, threatening to hit me.

She has always been quite high maintenance but this is a fairly recent development. The sheer volume and intensity of her anger is frightening.

My ds who is 8 was actually trying to stand between her and me this morning as he was so distressed by the way she was going for me. Obviously I told him it was not his job to do this and reassured him that I was not being hurt.

I honestly don't know where to go from here, I am shouting more and more and feel that at times these situations are totally out of both of our control.

Anyone else going through this, I adore my child but I am actually becoming frightened of her tantrums and I never thought I would be like this. I am not the type to back down from them though and so the intensity increases. I honestly do not know the best way to handle her now. Time out works, in that she will calm down, cry and say sorry but within an hur or two is building up to the next one.

Believe me when I say that she does not stop. For example she asked for a drink of water 5 times tonight, each time she got a sip, in the end I said no as it was late and time for bed. She screamed continuously for a drink then for half an hour and only stopped when she fell asleep.

Does this sound familiar to anyone because I am just so sad that this is happening to us as we have always been so close .

I have a five year old boy with a strong character too and even though i have made a lot of changes in his life we still get the days which are challenging. However our lives are better now than they have ever been by a simple change I made with him. I refined his diet and took out all the artificial sweeteners, colors, preservatives. This helped calm him down to a more tolerable level. Like i said we still have our bad days and violent behaviors, but he is more controllable. If you learn to label read all the products which your child consumes you will be shocked by the amount of bad chemicals in the food. These chemicals can cause mood swings, brain fog etc in some children and adults. I allow my little boy natural sugars now and i look for treats made by companies that are select about the ingredients they use. I've added more rice meals to our tea time menu's and changed his wheat cereals to oat or rice cereals. Now we are working on breaking bad habits with behavior and strengthening our bond and lines of communication. Have a look at the Feingold diet. www.feingold.org/

Try eliminating as much of the chemicals from your child's diet as possible. After about 3 weeks you may see a change. You will still have the behaviors because that's how your child has learnt to express itself so that still needs tackling. However your child will not have the same sort of energy levels and craziness to their behavior. If you mange to have a go at the change in diet after the 3 weeks without making any fuss about it, give your child a sweet or biscuit that you have stopped buying them and observe their behavior after about 15 mins. I hope this may be of some help. x

What you are describing is classic for a girl with Asperger's. Get A Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome and have a good read. The presentation in girls can be very subtle and very different from ASD in boys. You may find that reading this book helps you understand what is going on in her head better and you can then plan to avoid the things that cause the meltdowns.

The meltdown in the supermarket may have outwardly appeared to be about wanting a toy but, if she has AS, it could easily have been caused by the intense sensory bombardment caused by supermarkets.

Our LA runs manual handling courses to teach parents to use the Team-Teach holds and de-escalation. Ask your school SENCo to find out if your LA offer them. Learning how to hold your child without hurting them can make a massive difference.

Also, if she has AS, she may be deficient in Melatonin and have real problems falling asleep to the bedtime messing around could well be because she is finding it stressful. Do you have a weighted blanket you could try?

I know what it feels like to feel scared of your 5 year old daughter, to be worn down by constant demands and complaints, to feel that you aren't meant to be a parent because you have lost all authority and control. I know what it's like to feel that no one else experiences these issues and that no one else in the family understands.It is truly miserable.

I do agree that change makes an already anxious/sensitive child worse and family break-up, moves, new schools will be contributing to the behaviour. Things may well improve when things settle down. At the moment your DD is taking it out on you as you are the closest one to her and she probably feels scared and needs reassurance.

I too can't understand why a child who feels insecure must do everything they can to test the bond even until they practically destroy the thing they love so much- but if they push you so far and you still stay, that gives the reassurance they seek.

I told a therapist that I so want my daughter to love me and they said, " she does, she loves you so much it frightens her"

I'm wondering if she is using her behaviour to tell you something. Is she angry about the move- the change in her life.

this is a good book www.amazon.com/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0446692859

ZOMBIE THREAD! The DD must be about 8 now

oops. someone seems to have revived it yesterday!

Thats the second time I've been sucked in recently. Must look at the date of the OP before posting!

This thread is a classic example of how you Brits are terrified of disciplining your own children. Kids in the UK are disrespectful, precocious & unruly. That is all.

I'd try two things out, speaking as a teacher and not, yet, a parents (one on the way). We regularly have to deal with extreme anger, stubbornness, whatever and actually our powers to 'do' a thing are very limited and the children know this.

The two things I'd try are ignoring and choices.

Ignoring - she starts flipping out and you just ignore her. Usually this won't work if she's with you as she will hit etc. so just leave the room or remove her to another room. Shut the door. Walk away. Call it time out. This is a tricky one as she may trash the room you're moving her to, I suggest you prepare for this by choosing a room with some distractions for her (books, toys maybe) but nothing you would worry about (glass objects etc). If it's her bedroom, pre-empt needing it by removing anything breakable. Ideally it would be a hallway where she can see you but can't get at you, that way her rage is still directed at you, you can see she's safe but you're not responding to her or being hurt by her.

Wait until she calms down, this might take ages, then open the door 'I'm really glad you've chosen to behave in a way which means you can be with us, that's great, now would you prefer toast or cereal?' Giving her a choice immediately says you trust her and she has power over her life. If she says she wants something else, repeat the first choice. Don't offer more options.

Keep using this language of choice with her - would you like your raincoat or blue coat on? Always give her two choices which you'd be happy with. She needs some element of control over her life. The third 'unspoken' choice is 'time out.' Count her down to this - you have two choices, the raincoat or blue coat, you're choosing time out. I choose to give you five seconds to reconsider or you're choosing time out. (I know, saying choice and choosing gets boring but stick with it!) five, four, three, blue or raincoat?, two, one. Then simply remove her or remove yourself to another space.

You need to practice this when you don't have to leave the house in the next five minutes as she knows you're under pressure and will eventually have to wrestle her into a coat. So stick with things where you don't have to leave the house for a while and can afford the time.

You must, must, must stick with it and it will work. You're basically establishing your boundaries and giving her choices within those boundaries. Eventually she can suggest third choices, but you don't have to agree them.

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