husband and parents hate my son

[peppajay]

I have just had a horrible argument with my parents about my 3 yr old sons behaviour. Basically he is very very active and very full on but in my eyes a generally well behaved boy. However neither of my parents or my husband are particularly maternal/paternal and all 3 find their grandson a burden. My 5 yr old DD used to be a handful but being the first born has always been the apple of their eyes. My son vyes for attention from all three of them but never gets it as my DD is easy and so the favourite so whenever we see my parents, about once every 6 weeks he is a nightmare running round at full speed, singing at the top of his voice, throwing his food etc but with just me and at pre school he is so well behaved. My husband and parents have joined forces and think he has ADHD or is "unhinged" as they call him but he only wants their attention and they will not play with him hold his hand etc. This is the bit that really got me they got DD an advent calender and not him and xmas he is not allowed in their house as last time he bashed a place mat on the table. My DH is a very quiet subdued man who likes a peaceful life but with a 3 yr old in the house this is impossible. He works all work and keeps away at weekends due to my son playing up!!! In my eyes if these people were more interactive with him and gave him attention he would behave. My auntie who we see about every 2 weeks is absolutely fantastic with him and she gets down and plays with him reads to him etc and he has never misbehaved when we are with her.

I have never had an hr without my kids because neither my husband or parents will look after them. Even if he was better behaved my parents won't help out as they have a busy life and they fit their grandchildren in when suits them but babysitting is out of the question unless they are asleep.

So now I am not speaking to them and looks like we will have to deny my DD her grandparents a visit at xmas time but she dotes on them and they do like her coz she is a well behaved pretty girl.

When I was growing up I was very full on and my parents always favoured my brother coz he was the quieter easier child. He is gay now and I am sure alot of that is due to the fact that any type of activeness was discouraged and I remember him playing football at 8 and them immediately stopping him as is a thugs game and putting him in for piano lessons as i blatantly refused to do it.

I am so upset because my own family hate my child. :0(

"He is gay now and I am sure alot of that is due to the fact that any type of activeness was discouraged and I remember him playing football at 8 and them immediately stopping him as is a thugs game and putting him in for piano lessons as i blatantly refused to do it."

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on mumsnet.

"whenever we see my parents, about once every 6 weeks he is a nightmare running round at full speed, singing at the top of his voice, throwing his food etc"

Whether or not your ds is well behaved with just you, or at pre-school, he is not well-behaved when he is with his grandparents. You need to work with your husband to address this.

I doubt your brother is gay because your parents didn't allow him to play football .

Ime GPs have less patience for boisterous dcs but that doesn't excuse your dh's behaviour or your tolerance of it. Is there an activity your dh could take your ds too at the weekend, eg Little Kickers? That way you would get a bit of break and your ds would get to spend time with his father.

Hopefully his behaviour will improve as he gets older. Ds was full on at that age and is still described has hyperactive now he's 7. He is just incredibly active but engaging and interesting company. At 3 he was having repeated full on tantrums that even those who loved him most found tiresome and tedious.

at the gay brother being caused by lack of football

My ds1 is similar, a headcase around other people and a generally quite peculiar personality and some relations love him (dp's sister calls him quirky and adores him) and some find him difficult (my dad has called him 'a weird child' and my mother clearly favours the other two).

One thing I will say, whilst I love my son's unusual personality and encourage that, the wild behaviour is simply bad behaviour in my books and is punished, whther we're aorund people who like him or not.

For a start, your brother's sexuality is not due to your parents encouraging him to play the piano rather than football. That's ridiculous.

My friend has a son like yours, and to be honest I have started to see less of her because of it. Not so much because he is loud, wild and naughty - more because she never intervenes or tells him his behaviour is not appropriate or unacceptable. How do you react when your son is a nightmare at your parents house?

His behaviour must be extreme for his father and grandparents to avoid him because of it. What do your friends or his nursery staff think? I'd ask for some honest opinions and then work on changing his behaviour before he starts school.

He's three. Your parents should behave better and so should your bloody husband.

Are the children your husband's too, or yours from a previous relationship? Either way, him taking sides with your parents is inappropriate and unsupportive, he should be working with you as a team to parent both children. Surely he has seen the way he behaves at home and at pre-school, if as you say he only behaves badly with your parents?

Your parents seem unpleasant in their responses and their favouritism, but on the other hand your son does behave rather horribly with them, it seems.

Perhaps you could work with your husband on a bit of discipline that you can follow through with when visiting, or just stay away from their house for a while and only nice aunt until you curb his wild tendencies?

I'm ignoring the bit about your brother being gay, as it's such nonsense it doesn't merit a response.

Only visit nice aunt

Unfortunately your DS's behaviour is beginning to cause serious rifts in your family, not only between you and your parents but more critically between yourself and your DH.

If they are unwilling or unable to to meet your DSs needs, then you (as his mother) need to come up with some strategies for managing his behaviour while attempting to socialise with them. Engineer some situations where you can be pretty sure of him showing his best side (like he does with you and at nursery) so that they can see what they miss by not interacting with him. Perhaps short, fun visits, leaving before you get tired of each other's company?

And you need to have a very firm talk with your DH. Whether your DS has problems or not, your DH needs to step up and start actively parenting him. Ask you DH what he plans to do to help his DS. Don't let him shrug and walk away just because you are there to pick up the slack.

Your parents aside (GPs can be a bit weird with favouritism etc which is just an anomaly that needs to be dealt with - they are not the immediate family circle however...) what is your husband playing at treating his son like this? Do you have a relationship that would lend itself to an open and honest discussion about your feelings? He needs to learn that he has a son who needs attention and that he cannot just bury his head in the sand when things get too difficult. Don't pander to his needs for a quite and peaceful life - why should he have that luxury?

With me and at pre school he is brilliant, never been called in to pre school and they don't have a bad word to say about him. When I mentioned the ADHD thing to them after nagging from parents and hubby they almost laughed in my face as he is showing absolute no signs of any behavioural issues. IMO he wants attention from these 3 people who seem unwilling to give it. And regrading disipline I am strict when I need to and he spends most of the time on the naughty step when around my parents he has toys confiscated and a sticker chart when he behaves but the rest of the time he is so good I don't need to disipline as he is so happy and compilant.

I am not saying my bro is gay because of lack of football but because the boyish active streak was not allo wed when he was growing up, it could have contributed!!

Is your husband your son's father? You write about my son, not our son. Maybe your husband doesn't feel it is his place to discipline him.

You mean your brother yearned so much for boyish activity that he can't get enough of it now ?

"but because the boyish active streak was not allowed when he was growing up, it could have contributed!!"

Sorry, but I think that is nonsense. You are gay or you aren't. No amount of conditioning/upbringing will make any difference.

peppajay, I'd just drop the gay brother thing or concede that it was just a silly throw-away comment - otherwise it's going to distract from your actual issue.

Yes my husband is my son's father and I do wish he would try to do more with him but he finds the whole fatherhood thing suchh a chore. He was brought up in a very old fashioned way husbands proivide, mothers look after the children and he hates the fact that fathers are supposed to be mothers these days. I often think of leaving him and starting again but I love him so can't walk away!!!

Forget the comments about your brother.

Your parents sound slightly odd and selfish at best. But your husband sounds like a prize twat. Does he never spend any time with his son? Do you never get any time to yourself? Just what does he contribute to your family life together apart from a paypacket?

When you told your parents and husband that his behaviour was down to their lack of attention, how did they answer that?

Feeling very very for you poor little son.

Fathers aren't supposed to be mothers. They are supposed to be fathers. Hands on, fun filled, loving, larger than life fathers.

Things are not going to get better so you need to tell them that they need to stop being so negative about your son or there will be consequences.

Your DH needs to man up but I can't see that happening at all so you might want to consider words with him too.

Sexuality is nature, not nurture btw.

How can you love someone who thinks your child is an inconvenience?

Unless your parents are utterly toxic, (and the advent calendar favouritism sounds like it is possible) then banning a normal even if over-excited child from the house is a pretty extreme measure. And your husband feeling the same - are you sure you have an accurate perception of his behaviour?

If your husband is refusing to take care of him, you have to face your family is at crisis point. Regardless of your parents reaction, you and your DH need to sit down and honestly express how you are feeling about parenting your DS. Do you have agreed strategies? What does DH say about your feeling that DS is good with you and not good with him?

Ok i'm not going go on about the gay thing. Almost as bad as everyone saying my nephew is gay because he never had a male role model when growing up....

I do agree with the op though, children can massively pick up on things, I have a three year old too who is rather hyper at times and I know if he was being ignored by his grandparents he would also try and do things to attract their attention. It sounds like a vicious circle to me. Your husband sounds a cock. He needs to give you some support here. You can't expect a three year old to be good all the time. They are three not thirteen.

I think to buy your daughter an advent calendar and leave your son out is despicable.

Aargh - sorry - it takes me so long to type I missed the bit about preschool and the further comments about your DH. Fatherhood a chore? Poor kids. And poor you.

A shame your dh doesn't like being silly. The more fun (if still uneven) form of old-fashioned mother-father division of childcare is when the dad encourages his children to get over-excited, plays childish games with them, tells them really silly jokes and then hands them back over to mum to calm them down and sort them out.

Regardless of whether your dh likes a quiet life or not, the way you describe him (which will, inevitably, of course, be a somewhat one sided description!!!) he sounds like a monumentally selfish twerp. A normal person in a normal relationship does not spend as little time as possible with his wife and children because he can't cope with them. If this is the case, he's being pathetic, unmanly, selfish, self-centred, unhelpful and generally weak. Did he warn you in advance of starting a family that he wasn't a family man????? You certainly give the impression he thinks he's done enough by "giving" you children - nothing to do with him, except a brief moment of fulfilling his duty. But then with parents who think it acceptable to give gifts to one grandchild and not another (if they think he has ADHD and therefore can't help his behaviour then why on earth are they punishing him for it??????), it's not really surprising he is emotionally somewhat retarded.

Ffs you cannot be "turned" gay because you don't conform to your gender stereotype

Is that why you let your da behave badly in company? Because otherwise it might make him gay if he's forced to sit still and quiet like a good little girl should

Ds not da