husband and parents hate my son

[peppajay]

I have just had a horrible argument with my parents about my 3 yr old sons behaviour. Basically he is very very active and very full on but in my eyes a generally well behaved boy. However neither of my parents or my husband are particularly maternal/paternal and all 3 find their grandson a burden. My 5 yr old DD used to be a handful but being the first born has always been the apple of their eyes. My son vyes for attention from all three of them but never gets it as my DD is easy and so the favourite so whenever we see my parents, about once every 6 weeks he is a nightmare running round at full speed, singing at the top of his voice, throwing his food etc but with just me and at pre school he is so well behaved. My husband and parents have joined forces and think he has ADHD or is "unhinged" as they call him but he only wants their attention and they will not play with him hold his hand etc. This is the bit that really got me they got DD an advent calender and not him and xmas he is not allowed in their house as last time he bashed a place mat on the table. My DH is a very quiet subdued man who likes a peaceful life but with a 3 yr old in the house this is impossible. He works all work and keeps away at weekends due to my son playing up!!! In my eyes if these people were more interactive with him and gave him attention he would behave. My auntie who we see about every 2 weeks is absolutely fantastic with him and she gets down and plays with him reads to him etc and he has never misbehaved when we are with her.

I have never had an hr without my kids because neither my husband or parents will look after them. Even if he was better behaved my parents won't help out as they have a busy life and they fit their grandchildren in when suits them but babysitting is out of the question unless they are asleep.

So now I am not speaking to them and looks like we will have to deny my DD her grandparents a visit at xmas time but she dotes on them and they do like her coz she is a well behaved pretty girl.

When I was growing up I was very full on and my parents always favoured my brother coz he was the quieter easier child. He is gay now and I am sure alot of that is due to the fact that any type of activeness was discouraged and I remember him playing football at 8 and them immediately stopping him as is a thugs game and putting him in for piano lessons as i blatantly refused to do it.

I am so upset because my own family hate my child. :0(

ok forget the gay thing that isn't the issue. What I want to know is if Gp's in particular paid him more attention instead of favouring grandaughter would he behave. He only misbehaves when with them and my DH. Everywhere else he is an extremely good and well mannered boy with no issues at all!!

I think if they are paying your daughter more attention than your son then yes that is possibly the reason he only plays up when he's there and nowhere else. He is attention-seeking.

I would suggest you need to work on the massive issues in your relationship, and the way your husbands treats the children, before you worry too much about your parents - you can easily stay away from them or tell them that you can't accept a gift for your daughter if there's not one for your son, or that if only your daughter is welcome then none of you will be visiting - but your husband will be creating massive issues at home that the children cannot be protected from. What an arse.

Well, if I were stuck in a house with those GPs, I would probably bang table mats about and try to irritate them. If they don't have the manners to hide their unpleasant feelings, why should he have the manners to stifle a natural reaction to them? Children are VERY sensitive to signs of favouritism and he's only 3 years old... Of course, if you think it desirable for your ds to grow up quiet and subdued like his father, then spend as much time with them as possible and follow their parenting advice - I expect they think he needs a good beating (or to be put in an asylum for unhinged 3-year olds). He really ought to be seen and not heard, you know. Or preferably not seen. And he definitely shouldn't touch anything with his horrid, sticky fingers. He needs to learn that adults always have control and children must only ever do as they are told, without exception and regardless of the vileness of the adults concerned.

Or to put it another way, if he is well mannered and good everywhere but in front of your dh and your grandparents, it clearly isn't because he feels secure and loved enough with them to be a bit naughty.

Ah, I see it's your parents who think there's something wrong with your ds... well, you know what it felt like when you were growing up. Do you want your ds to feel the same? Maybe they used to think you were a bit unhinged, too!

oh wht a sad thread :(

i really feel for your little boy.

io think, if it were me, i'd be telling your parents that you've spoken to pre-school and you've spoken to the GP (even if you haven't) and that they have agreed there are no behavioural issues. back this up by pointing out that he is fine at home and at pre-school and at other people's houses.
I would then say that as they dislike having him there you will no longer be visiting them at all, with either of the chidlren as it is totally unfair to treat them differently.

I wonder if it would be possible to invite them over to yours when your daughter is not there? so they can get to know your son better in his own territory?

I am a bit about this thread!

You sound like you need to leave your husband, what kind of father doesn't like his son and as for your parents....................words fail me

Your poor little boy-I am afraid you need to avoid visits for now-for your dd as well as you cant allow your ds to feel rejected.Your parents sound horrible and as for your husband-words fail me-how mean spirited he must be to treat his own child like this.Doesnt he realise he is the male role model in his ds's life?

Agree wholeheartedly with girliefriend and pranma. Can't believe the posters who have made ridiculous and po faced comments about you allowing your DS to behave badly in company. "In company" does not include Fathers and Grandparents IMO. And bashing a place mat against a table and running around and loud singing sound fairly normal for a 3 year old boy to me and do not - under any circumstances - warrant expulsion from your parent's home. Whether or not your DS behaves badly should not impact on their relationship with him.

Tell your parents to fuck the fuck off and your DH to stop being a crap father and general twat. I think you have to start putting your little boy first from now on.

Will everyone responding to the op please stop going on about the nature not nurture gay thing, which has been done to death in this thread, and just try to be helpful and constructive? It costs nothing to suppress your egotistical selfrighteousness and grow up. Some of these comments seem to come attached to some rather rude and childish insinuations about the op's parenting, despite the fact nobody has seen her behaviour with her son.

Peppajay, the only things I can add are: totally wrong and frankly horrible of grandparents to favoritise; DP staying away on weekends just to avoid DS's behaviour, leaving you to bring both children up alone = what has happened to your understanding with one another? Has your DP effectively left your relationship? You need to talk, and not just about your DP's facile abnegation of responsibility for parenting in the house (if indeed it is that and not partly his trying to tell you, in a passive/aggressive manner, that he doesn't get on with you/has such different ideas of how to parent DS to you that he can't be with you both in case you have a blazing row, eg).

Re the advent calendars, I personally only buy them for children once they've hit five or so as before then they'll probably just open all the windows at once and the present will be wasted. In this context, though, it seems your parents were probably overlooking your DS. Maybe your DD should be encouraged to help your DS learn about delaying gratification by sharing hers with him in the same way, and you could talk with your parents nicely about DS being only 3, children coming in all shapes and sizes, and his need for their involvement in his life, which at this stage necessitates their showing him affection and treating him as if they like and love him. How can they possibly exclude him from a family xmas for banging a placemat on the table when he was 2 years old???? Find a good parenting book for them for xmas! (Also, look up "highly sensitive child" on google - I have a book by Elaine Arun on them and maybe your DS could be classified as one, as they tend to be high-energy and hard to parent but very very kind and wonderful deep down.) Treat the situation as if you're a professional with no-one's interests at heart but the children's. And do take control rather than feeling depressed about it. Is it possible to spend more time with auntie over xmas?

Finally, people can be right morons, so if it doesn't work and you've tried your best don't beat yourself up. Keep up the good work with your children.

And when I said "talk with your parents nicely", I think in retrospect what I meant was "tell them to fuck the fuck off", as tryharder suggests.

Poor little boy, he is clearly looking for affection from 3 of the most important people in his life and they are being mean, ignorant pigs by ignoring this. To then blame the child is ludicrous.
You need to sort out DH first as he has most contact with the dc's and they need to be able to look upto him and be guided by him Kids can be a 'chore' sometimes but thjat is more a reflection on the adult not the child.
As for your parents I wouldn't go near them until they apologised for their behaviour. If you find they compare the dc's then how about asking DH to watch DD whilst you take DS for some one-to-one time with GP's. If they can't give him their attention in that scenario then you have to let them know how upsetting they are being

if I were you I would seek some marriage counselling, preferably by a counsellor who has a good understanding of child behaviour, if this is possible. If your husband continues to ignore/avoid your son then this is going to cause an incredible amount of hurt to your son. I'd agree that he probably is acting up, because he can sense that they don't like them, and your husband needs to understand that his very behaviour is what's creating the misbehaving son. If you husband can't change his ways and mend his realationship, then I think you need to think really seriously about how to do what's best for your son.

Perhaps your (crazy) opinion about your brother being gay because of not being allowed to do rough ´n tumble/physical "boyish" activities means that you do not discipline your son for over-boisterous behaviour because you do not want him to "turn" gay?

Or maybe, PaulInHolland, since the poster says she was very "full on" as a child and felt her parents favoured her brother, it is nothing to do with her not wanting her son to be gay and everything to do with her reacting against her parents' partisan, rigid parenting, which they seem to be attempting to inflict on the next generation. She is NOT saying her ds's behaviour is OK in front of her dh and parents, she's saying he only behaves in an unacceptable way in front of those three people and that she does discipline him for it. Perhaps you need to read the thread more carefully.

rabbitstew - I am not the only person on this thread to think this -it was a case of reading between the lines. And the poster has a responsibility to think the about the impact of what she writes.

That issue aside, is the attidude of the DH to parenting something of a shock to the poster or was she aware of this before marrying and having children? I am not trying to blame the poster, but if I was a woman, I would have very serious concerns about marrying and starting a family with someone with such old-fashioned attitudes.

Your DH needs to start being a real father - otherwise it could end-up causing problems for your DS in the future. A good serious discussion about this required. And if he is not prepared to listen and change his behaviour, then I think some sort of relationship counselling will be necessary. After you DH has (hopefully) changed his behaviour, then you can start a serious talk with the GPs.