Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

5mo never cuddles - did I do something wrong?

32 replies

entropygirl · 09/11/2011 20:59

Sorry I have not spent much time in this section but I am hoping someone might be willing to help....

My 5mo DD has never allowed me to cuddle with her. Until 3mo she would just banana herself and howl if I picked her up for anything other than a very quick post feed burp and now she is older she just pushes back and starts looking/turning around till shes facing out and then does her level best to escape from my knee.

I didnt realise how odd it was until I had three babies (all the same age, from my antenatal posse) in a row sit on my lap and a) look at me, b) reach out to me and c) snuggle into my arm/chest. I also didnt realise how much it is affecting me emotionally until I burst into tears all over the third baby and his mum.

Is this me? Is it my PND? Is it my DD? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BornSicky · 09/11/2011 21:09

Aw! It's not you!

My DS is far more interested in the world around him than cuddling me.

Maybe try using a sling to get her more used to being in close to you.

How do you feed? Is there some way you can adapt your routine to involve more cuddles when you feed her?

RitaMorgan · 09/11/2011 21:13

Will she make eye contact with you, or does she avoid your gaze?

mrsmplus3 · 09/11/2011 21:15

my kids only ever cuddled me or let me cuddle them if they were ill.

i secretly loved it when they had a wee cold or something cause then i could lie on the couch with them.

5 mths is still very young. she'll respond to you more when she's a bit older.

my daughter became very cuddly at about 2/3 yrs but i think that was manipulation for another sweetie.

ThatllDoPig · 09/11/2011 21:17

Yes, 5 months is tiny. You'll get loads and loads of cuddles later don't worry one bit.

Albrecht · 09/11/2011 21:17

ds was also not cuddly at that age, fighting to get away largely. He's 16 months and we have taught him when you hold out your arms and say "cuddle" he flops onto your neck and allows a cuddle. He did it spontaneously this morning as I think he's teething is bothering him. So don't give up hope!

But yes the fact that it upset you so much is not good. Have you heard of 'high needs', its a way of describing babies who are quite intense and active. There is a book by Dr Sears which I found very helpful as it is sort of "love the one your with" about your baby. I think it helped me accept ds how he is rather than wasting time wishing he was like one of those peacable babies you meet.

zimm · 09/11/2011 21:18

Dd was not cuddling much at five months,far more interested in the world around. did your dd cuddle as smaller baby?

Smokedsalmonbagel · 09/11/2011 21:23

DS1 wasn't a cuddly baby. I probably didn't realise how uncuddly he was until I had DS2 who is a very cuddly baby.

Saying that once DS1 reached about 3 he became more cuddly which is lovely.

She probably just wants to be off exploring.

Original poster

entropygirl · 09/11/2011 22:17

Thank you all for the encouragement - I am unbelievably relieved to hear that it can change as she gets older.

Zimm - she has never wanted cuddling, apart from the first 48 hours, when she would snuggle skin to skin, she has pretty much hated it, tolerating being held on shoulder for burps but nothing else.

Albrect -thanks for the book suggestion - Ill certainly take a look.

RitaMorgan - She will watch me if Im not looking at her but turn away as soon as I glance in her direction. If DH is holding her she will look at me and smile for a few secs but then immediately look away and after that she pretty much wont make eye contact. Definitely doesn't make eye contact if Im holding her.
I should also say that DH is her main carer and I am back full time at work since 4 months.

OP posts:

Ozziegirly · 10/11/2011 06:03

DS wasn't overly cuddly, always wanted to be down and getting around. Now he can walk though he often runs up for a cuddle and it is the BEST feeling!

We bought him one of those hideous big stuffed toys (his size) and he readily cuddles that, so I can often get a cuddle if I hold moocow out......sneaky

Grumpla · 10/11/2011 06:48

My DS wasn't a very cuddly baby, I used a sling instead of a pram and got my cuddles sneakily that way

At about 1.5 he suddenly seemed to decide that cuddles were A Good Thing and now he is a very cuddly toddler.

Does she cuddle your DP more? If you are not the primary carer you might have the novelty factor eg she wants to look at you not snuggle on you.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 10/11/2011 07:07

Entropygirl, are you getting help for your PND?

It may be coincidence and your DD may be just a non cuddler naturally but if you are depressed that needs to be treated just in case it is part of the way your DD is, def see your GP and HV

RitaMorgan · 10/11/2011 07:18

Agree with Finally that PND can interfere with bonding, and avoiding eye contact can be an indication of that.

Original poster

entropygirl · 10/11/2011 09:21

Rita/Finally - I'm pretty sure having looked around a bit that I dont have very serious pnd. I did have a brief hospital stay around 3 months and got prescribed something but decided to try and tackle things the CBT way rather than take the tablets and stop BF or feel guilty about BFing mind altering drugs into DD. Things did get a lot better for a while but going back to work seems to have crashed things a little and I essentially havent been able to sleep for the past three days which I figure is likely down to the pnd.

I feel a bit trapped to be honest between the knowledge that having a depressed mum provably alters babies development, knowing I absolutely cant face putting my DD on passive antidepressants and knowing that BFing is the only point of physical warmth between DD and me and that I really might lose my mind if I cant carry on with it.

Feeling totally lost and now sobbing in office....thank god I have one to myself.

OP posts:

newbielisa · 10/11/2011 09:38

Oh you poor thing, maybe you're overthinking it as you have now gone back to work and left your LO with Daddy. Take it from me and all the others on here non cuddle babies are not that rare. I used to watch others cuddling their babies at groups and look down at my little monkey who was only happy facing outwards from a matter of weeks old.
I just accepted that she was nosy and interested in everything around her.
At 16 months she does now cuddle (but sometimes it is just so she can see over my shoulder) she's really loving. But importantly, true to form she is so adventurous and inquisitive and keen to experience everything - that's her nature. You'll have a LO growing up with the same thirst for life. Enjoy your bf time ..... forced cuddles are the way forward.

Ozziegirly · 10/11/2011 09:43

Oh entrophy, you poor duck. It probably feels like a horrid vicious circle doesn't it?

I'm no Dr, but I'm almost certain that there are some antidepressants that can be taken whilst breastfeeding.

I am sure your daughter is fine - after all, her primary carer isn't depressed (I don't know if I am helping here or not so please forgive me). Plus, don't think that bonding is a one time thing. She is really small - think of adoptive babies who have a wonderful bond even when they are adopted much older than 5 months. It's not like if you have a hard time of it at the start that's it; relationship ruined and unfixable.

Ozziegirly · 10/11/2011 09:45

newbielisa my DS sounds SO similar to your LO. Mine is constantly curious and never wanted to be cuddled, loved the outward facing baby bjorn, now is always heading out to the furthest reaches of wherever we are - BUT will now come running back for a cuddle like something from an advert.

BornSicky · 10/11/2011 09:48

is working full time contributing to your feelings? If so, can you negotiate with your employers to reduce hours, or work from home sometimes.

I'm sorry I can't advise on PND and the medication and its impact on breastfeeding, but have you had a look at www.kellymom.com or posted on the breastfeeding section?

You could also try getting a routine together that gave you and your baby some good cuddle time - maybe reading to her as part of bedtime routine, or baby massage (this is lovely for bonding), or singing actions songs together.

I really feel for you.

Huge unmumsnetty hugs.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 10/11/2011 09:49

I just KNEW when I rea your OP that it would be about a girl! Both my DDs were like yours and I do think that boys are more cuddly at a youung age....don't orry OP...they DO get cuddlier! Mine are 3 and 7 now and since the age of ab out 18 months they loved a cuddle!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 10/11/2011 09:51

Please don't think its your fault.....I wasn't depressed and neither of mine cuddled....far to busy for that nonsense! You sound like a great Mum!

Original poster

entropygirl · 10/11/2011 10:12

Thank you all - it is reassuring to here from non-depressed mothers of non-cuddlers, although it doesnt mean it isnt harming DD, it does mean it might just be her way....

I am almost certainly over thinking the medication issue. The stuff I was given is declared 'Safe for BF' but like an idiot I had to check didnt I?

And what it actually says is: Is present in breastmilk in varying quantities depending on person more than drug dose. Level unlikely to cause a physiological response (wont have an antidepressant effect on baby). Some questions about spinal development being an issue and bad reactions. More research into long term effects needed.

Now if I was number one in her life I think I would say that whatever the side effects of the pills its better then having a depressed mum. But due to DH unemployment, the disaster that was labour and 12 weeks of doctors dithering about RPC followed by the pnd disgnosis, DH has been main carer all along essentially. Which tips the balance to the point where I am paralysed by indecision. Maybe I am just being selfish about the BF? The benefit is almost totally for me now and not for DD.....and on the other hand I have never taken antidepressants before and so have no idea if they will be worth it.

Sorry this has become about pnd not cuddles now....is there a pnd area of mumsnet? Possibly they think the last thing we should do is talk to each other!

OP posts:

NotTheOneWhoIsntTheOtherOne · 10/11/2011 10:55

DS was exactly the same and still is now (14mo). Just doesn't want to be cuddled- it's like he gets claustrophobic or something. As a newborn he would always want to be put down to sleep (he has NEVER slept on me- not once) and he always wanted to be held facing outwards in a seated position, so with his back against my chest so he could see out. If I put him in a sling facing in he would scream.

He is giggly, smiley etc and sociable with other adults and babies but just doesn't do hugs

Please don't beat yourself up- sometimes it's just the nature of the beast

MrsDobalina · 10/11/2011 11:16

Aw I feel for you - I have PND too and am constantly beating myself up about the effect on DD etc. so I know just how you feel.

How often do you bf? A lovely pharmacist who works on a mother and baby psych unit told me if you're bf only a few times a day then you can adjust the dosing time to minimise any drug being in the breast milk. Where did you get them from? Perhaps it's worth going back to chat to a friendly pharmacist about drug dosage and half life of your ad to put your mind more at ease? A mental health pharmacist would be even better if you still are under the hospital. You could try ringing them, most hospitals also have a medicines information line which answers all drug related queries but I don't know if patients can access this?

In answer to your actual question, it sounds completely normal so please don't beat yourself up about it! DS never, ever sat in my lap as a baby and would scream if i tried. Even now he's more interested in running around than sitting still for a cuddle. Oh and to reassure you a little bit, I was really worried about stopping bf with him cos I felt it was the only contact I ever had but someone told me they get more cuddly when you stop bf and i was amazed but it was actually true!

A big hug from me too! Ps have you tried posting the mental health section of mn re PND? You might get more useful and specific info re your meds. Xx

Original poster

entropygirl · 10/11/2011 11:55

Thanks MrsDobalina. Will head over to mental health. I did have a look there but there didnt seem to be much pnd action which given supposedly 25% of mums have it I was surprised about.

Half life of stuff I was given is 72 hours so no joy there - but yes I will go back to Drs and see what can be done.

Really interesting about the BF and the hugs but Im worried it wouldnt work out for us the same way....once I quit the BF there is little chance of turning back the clock.... GAH

OP posts:

emmyloo2 · 10/11/2011 13:10

My DS is almost 12 months and doesn't cuddle at all, never has. He very occasionally snuggles into my chest if he is very tired but only occasionally. He is a very bright little thing but is just too interested in the world around him. I don't think your pnd or working full time has any affect. I just don' think babies are cuddly......not mine anyway!!

PaigeTurner · 10/11/2011 13:28

There's an antenatal/postnatal depression forum on here under pregnancy.

Flip

1 2