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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What do you really think when another toddler hits your toddler dc?

42 replies

petaluma · 20/09/2011 15:44

I'm just interested. My ds (2 yrs) is a very happy, loving and sensitive little fella , but put him in the scenario of a busy soft play area or in close proximity of a toy he wants which another child is playing with, and he can turn into a little hitting machine.

I believe I am doing all the right things (helicoptering, making a fuss of the 'victim', making him say sorry, getting down on his level and doing timeout etc) and he has got a lot better, and of course, no parent wants to see their child being hit, but some of the reactions of other mums has been quite upsetting ranging from being blanked when I've tried to apologise to them to one mum saying to another mum, deliberately loud enough for me to hear, for her dc to 'watch out for that bully child'

Some mums are really lovely about it, but I find they are mostly the ones who have been through it themselves and know it is not down to bad parenting.

However, I still feel very exposed and judged when I go to playgroups and softplay and my ds behaved like this - I'm getting increasingly anxious too, as I'm due to have dd2 soon and worried about looking after the both of them if ds continues to need constant monitoring.

So, if it is your dc being hit, what do you really think and why?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PeggyCarter · 20/09/2011 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 20/09/2011 15:58

I really think "oh bloody hell, not poor DS again".
Then I might think "ah, it was X, my friend's son, well he has a problem with hitting and he normally says sorry and I know it mortifies her so whatever. Hope he grows out of it soon though..."
Or I might think "Who is that child? Why doesn't his parent stop him from doing that, where are they?" if the parent is nowhere in sight (happens)
Or I might think "oh good, glad that lady saw what her child did and made him apologise, excellent, thank you"

But if you made him apologise and tried to explain what he did was wrong to him, I'd never blank you or give you a hard time - obviously he just likes to do that stuff to wind you up, so I'd feel sorry for you rather than pissed off at you.

Chundle · 20/09/2011 16:00

Hi I get pissed off severely wen the mum has her back turned and is sitting chatting to a mate! Or just sits and watches! Aaarrgghhh or even worse laughs that makes me want to punch her to see if she finds that so funny!
But if you came and apologised etc like you said then that's Greg and you are obviously trying to stop the behaviour and I wouldn't think or say anything bad about you at all.

nethunsreject · 20/09/2011 16:00

I think 'oh dear, the poor mum, he/she's going through That Phase'. I often secretly want ds to retaliate!

Chundle · 20/09/2011 16:02

Greg??? I meant great x

Ragwort · 20/09/2011 16:04

It's only happened to me once, I was mortified for the other mother - her DS bit my DS - my DS was actually quite a bit older than her child (fortunately he did not retaliate ) and the other mum was nearly in tears - my DS had screamed rather loudly so everyone was looking at the situation , I ended up consoling the other mum ! Then I had to suggest a treat to my DS to 'get over it' and ended up going to a soft-play place for the afternoon - my idea of hell.

welliesandpyjamas · 20/09/2011 16:06

@ Chundle! is this the birth of a new MN adjective?!

OP I don't ever act rude or aggressive towards the parent but I do feel very very defensive.

kenobi · 20/09/2011 16:09

I hate it but I also know it happens and I would totally accept an apology. Like Puddlerjumper I'm lucky in that DD doesn't hit - yet.

I would also lazer death-stare a woman who ignored her child hitting another one , but not accepting a sincere apology is the other mum's problem not yours, OP.

I think it sounds like you are doing your damned best, so fuck 'em.

OpenMouthInsertFoot · 20/09/2011 16:11

Do you want the intelligent reasonable adult response or the mother just saw her baby get thumped response? because I think most people feel both at the same time.

Meglet · 20/09/2011 16:12

I'm relieved it's not mine doing the hitting! The odd bosh isn't the end of the world at that age.

If the parent didn't gently tick their child off I'd be annoyed, but otherwise I'd let them carry on playing.

AlmaMartyr · 20/09/2011 16:17

It depends on the situation but mostly I'm glad it isn't my child hitting someone else. If a particular child is going through a phase of it but it's being dealt with, I feel bad for the parent. If it isn't being dealt with, that annoys me but I tend to just steer the DCs away from those children - I wouldn't describe them loudly as bullies though.

2ddornot2dd · 20/09/2011 22:25

When I only had a PFB I used to be quite upset, as she did get hit a lot, and she never retaliated, but I like to think I didn't let on that I was upset.

Now she is definately the aggressor most of the time, and because she took it up later she seems harder to cure of it, so the boots on the other foot. I can honestly say I would rather see my kids get hit than be the ones hitting.

Original poster

petaluma · 21/09/2011 02:16

2ddornot2dd yes, I often wish it was the other way round - not that I want to see my ds get a pasting, of course, but just because his behaviour is so intense sometimes, and it's awful feeling like the vilified mum. Ds is also quite big for his age, and not particularly advanced, speech-wise, which doesn't help, not to mention bloody strong. I often have a job physically getting him away from a situation and he never seems to get hit back so he doesn't understand what it's like to be on the other side of things.

It's so sad because he really is a very different little boy the rest of the time. He loves my friends' small babies, kissing them, stroking their arms and giving them his toys, so I know he understands how to be gentle, and he s also now fine with the friends his age he sees regularly, I just want to be able to go to playgroups or soft play and not have to worry constantly about what he is up to every single second, and negotiate the minefield of other parents' bad feeling :(

Thanks for all your replies :)

OP posts:

jaggythistle · 21/09/2011 04:21

agree that it's just one of those things.

i only get annoyed at toddler group if it's the same wee boy who hits/pushes/runs over the other kids all the time, while his mum chats in the corner with her tea and rarely intervenes.

when DS was 13/14 months old he used to run up and take whatever toy he had every 5 mins. luckily DS just looked a bit puzzled and headed to the toy box for something else! it got to the stage where when DS saw him coming he just handed him the toy.

so if you apologise etc i can't see the problem.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 21/09/2011 04:44

First thought: "Little fucker!"
Second thought: "so happy it's not mine doing the hitting for once"

LadyMary · 21/09/2011 05:18

I am extremely chilled about it, especially if the parent is obviously hovering around and trying to get their child to behave.

I think people expect an awful lot from toddlers. They are still learning, after all, and many little ones simply cannot control their impulses.

Davsmum · 21/09/2011 11:32

If a Mum was dealing with it the way you do - then I would be happy with that. It does depend on how the parent whose child does the hitting responds that makes the difference to how you feel.

LoonyRationalist · 21/09/2011 11:55

I agree if the mum is dealing with it & not just ignoring it after the initial worry about dd2 I would

1: Be glad that you are supervising & reacting - how else will a child learn not to hit?
2: Be glad the perpatrator was not dd2 (this time)
3: Feel sorry for you - this is one of the hardest parenting challenges

Those who have been through it will sympathise, those who haven't may be smug now but this or some other parenting challenge will come & get them in the future.

BirdyBedtime · 21/09/2011 12:00

Neither of my DCs have actually ever been hit by a child in a soft play/play group type situation but have been more generally pushed around or spoken to horribly. In those situations I do tend to get defensive but if the parent in question deals with it (removes child, tells them it's not nice, monitors more closely) then I would never do anything other than think "thank goodness I'm not in that situation". I'd only be less than nice to parents if they observed and didn't react to such behaviouras that's lazy and unfair to other children.

Beamur · 21/09/2011 12:07

It's not nice and makes me quite stressed, but I know it's also something that is going to happen from time to time and is not really a big deal - however, I agree with all the other posters who have said that the parent of the child needs to intervene and keep intervening or remove the child if they are being a nuisance to others.

I was at a play area with my DD (not a toddler anymore) and one little boy kept hassling her, I think he wanted to play, but just kept getting too boisterous and was hurting her - his parents did nothing, so I had to keep peeling him off my DD and telling him to play nicely. I got a watery smile from his Dad and his Mum was oblivious and too wrapped up a new baby to pay her errant child any attention at all. Grr.

cory · 21/09/2011 12:10

my eldest dc was a bit of a thug, my youngest was a complete pushover

"there but for the grace of God" pretty well sums up my thoughts on the subject

but I would always be very careful to show the fraught parent that I had noticed that they cared

pommedechocolat · 21/09/2011 12:11

Glad it's not mine doing the hitting mainly! Only feel annoyed if mum doesn't tell child off/remove them. I feel annoyed at mum then not child.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 21/09/2011 12:15

depends on the reaction of the hitter's parent TBH

dd2 was whacked today at toddler group. i didn't even notice until i saw her being comforted by another mum who was sternly instructing her DS to apologise and be gentle. which is all absolutely fine.

i only judge if the parent doesn't appear to give a monkey's, or makes some sort of glib "boys will be boys" type remark.

post · 21/09/2011 12:23

Ds1 used to hit a LOT and I did eventually make a really clear intention that was pretty much the solution. Every time he hurt another child I calmly picked him up and took him home, immediately, telling him why. It took about 2 weeks, but this was after I'd been at my wits end for months.
But I think it only worked 1. Because I was really calm 2. I was 100% consistent with it, including times when I really didn't want to leave, or we'd sent ages travelling somewhere and it was a real hassle/ disappointment to have to go home after 5 mins. If it had been less than 100% I think he'd have just been confused/ thought it was worth a try etc.

But I decided that sorting out was going to be my priority over anything else, and I know it might not work with every child but it did for us and it was so worth it. I know when I've had my dcs be the hitter or hittee, hitter is so much harder and more awful.

SurprisEs · 21/09/2011 12:26

DD hits sometimes, she's 2.2 yrs.

If the parents intervenes I have no problem with it as I know it is something that some children do. If the parent doesn't intervene I find it rude and bad parenting.

DD had never used a dummy and has, since learning to bumshuffle stolen other children's dummies from their mouth, sometimes hurting (without marking) the other Childs face in the process of yanking the thing out. I don't know why she does this as she doesn't try to put it on her mouth.

One day in the middle of ELC DD yanked the dummy out of a girls mouth who was sitting in a stroller. Within seconds I made her say sorry and explained it wasn't nice and then I apologised to the parent. The ignorant man started to shout at my daughter and wouldn't shut up about it. I thought he was giving his child a very bad example and should know best!

Frustration can lead into children smacking at times.

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