What do you really think when another toddler hits your toddler dc?

[petaluma]

I'm just interested. My ds (2 yrs) is a very happy, loving and sensitive little fella , but put him in the scenario of a busy soft play area or in close proximity of a toy he wants which another child is playing with, and he can turn into a little hitting machine.

I believe I am doing all the right things (helicoptering, making a fuss of the 'victim', making him say sorry, getting down on his level and doing timeout etc) and he has got a lot better, and of course, no parent wants to see their child being hit, but some of the reactions of other mums has been quite upsetting ranging from being blanked when I've tried to apologise to them to one mum saying to another mum, deliberately loud enough for me to hear, for her dc to 'watch out for that bully child'

Some mums are really lovely about it, but I find they are mostly the ones who have been through it themselves and know it is not down to bad parenting.

However, I still feel very exposed and judged when I go to playgroups and softplay and my ds behaved like this - I'm getting increasingly anxious too, as I'm due to have dd2 soon and worried about looking after the both of them if ds continues to need constant monitoring.

So, if it is your dc being hit, what do you really think and why?

Another thing: DD always had to be moved up to the next room at nursery a couple of months before the supposed time as she got frustrated with the younger kids and hit them. She would stop as soon as she was moved up. The nursery nurse said it does happen sometimes that a child does it out of boredom, frustration, lack of stimulation.

depends on the mums reaction to it. yours is fine, but i have only ever really been p'd off with it when one toddler hit mine and the mum just picked him up and gave him a cuddle - i was thinking 'wtf?? tell him off!' hers was younger than mine but i dont think that makes it okay...
other time was when a child smacked mine in the eye with a big stick in the park and mum did absolutely nothing about it
if its the normal thing of just a small push in the playgroup or soft play etc, well that is quite common and i would not be all that bothered, as mine have been guilty of it themselves and if you've said sorry and told your child its wrong then what more can you do
those who make an OTT fuss about it tends to be mums of only one child and bit pfb in my experience. or else you get those who will never tell their own dc off but would go mad at yours for doing the same thing! so you know what you are doing is fine about his hitting, you are dealing with it not ignoring it so dont worry too much or get anxious about it. if people really start blanking you or be so rude about it then that is their problem really not yours. as long as your dc is not properly injuring the child???

I'd have plenty of sympathy for you if
A) you disciplined your child.
And B) didn't mind if I suggested your child said sorry if you weren't there to see.

The mother who exploded because I told her little darling off for hitting DD (when she couldn't of seen) goes straight to the top of my over protective twits list. The incident did not require a full scale judicial review.

Doesn't bother me, to be honest. That makes me sound like I don't care about my kids, but I do really! But if it was a one-off and I felt that the parent reacted appropriately, I'd just think 'Oh well, that's what kids do'. If it happened more than once I'd be a bit annoyed, and if the parent ignored it or let the child get away with it I'd be angry with the parent.

DD1 is generally very good, but I can remember one embarrassing playground incident- when she was about 2 she deliberately put her hands on the chest of a younger child and pushed him down. I felt so embarrassed and have no idea why she did it. Luckily the boy's father was really understanding and it just reinforced for me the idea that ALL children can do it sometimes.

I don't think anything really, I have had friends whose kids have gone through this phase and I know it's really difficult. It takes times to sort out and no one can help that.

I think the only time I have ever quietly seethed about it was an older boy (he was 4/5ish) who was being really vile both to his sibling and to the other children, we met them by chance again later when DD (2yo) was eating some sweets and he started trying to intimidate her and then tried to steal them off her! Mum clearly didn't like his behaviour but was being totally wussy about dealing with him, felt very sorry for the sibling being at the receiving end all day, every day.

As long as the parent responds and is aware then usually relief it's not mine doing it. If parent is blasé about it I do judge the parent.

I think the frustration thing is so significant with my ds, and he's also worse when he's growing. I read a bit about brain development in toddlers and it seems that often when they're about to reach a new developmental milestone, the part of the brain that moderates impulsive behaviour is even more inhibited than usual.

He's definitely got better as he's got older as I think the more he s learnt to say, the less frustrated he feels. The only problem is i can never quite tell when he's about to have a relapse otherwise, we'd probably spend the morning running about on our own in the park, rather than terrorising the local playgroups.

The other thing that does seem to play a big part is how much space a playgroup or soft play area has andvhow busy it is. I think about how I react to confined, hot and noisy places, and I'm not surprised ds has a bit of a wobbly too.

A few years ago my son was changing after swimming in a public pool and another child walked in who had been in the pool with my DS. He raised his fist and punched him in the face! The mother didnt say a word. She just pushed a card into my hand saying he had special needs, no apology nothing.

I almost blurted out that it didnt make a difference and if he was that out of control then she needed to think where she could take him (I didnt say anything and I have always wondered if I should have).

My son is more likely to be on the receiving end of aggressive behaviour because he is autistic so is somewhat more vulnerable.

If the parents apologised and/or makes some attempt to discipline the child then there is no problem. I am aware children go through stages of less desirable behaviour and it must be embarrassing.

If the parents aren't there I will tell the child no in a way I wouldn't mind someone speaking to my son.

There are two particular children I have been much more negative about, one child was at Stay and Play and was roughly age three and a half. He was constantly targeting other children for no reason, my son was a baby not yet a year old and this boy made several attempts to hit him and if he crawled pass, not even near him he would try and kick him. This was in full view of his mother who never corrected him for anything. The staff were having to get involved because his behaviour was so bad.

I admit to making some loud comments along the lines of 'we don't play near that boy' if my son went near him. I also commented to my husband who was shocked at the fact she didn't say anything when he intentionally tried to step on my babies hands yet again that some parents apparently don't bother with teaching they children how to behave in her hearing.

It might have annoyed her, I really don't care if she had ever shown any sign of trying to prevent her child hurting others I might have some sympathy. In reality she brought him to the group and let him get on with hurting any child he could reach and never said a word.

The other boy was similar, he was closer to my son's age (my son was two at the time). I was attending a course where the children were looked after by children's centre staff in the same room as we were learning.

This boy made a point at attacking every child in that room. When he realised my child was one of the more vulnerable ones he went after him most. He literally would not leave him alone stalking him round the room taking any toy he picked up and shoving him over.

His mother was useless, never bothered to intervene. I ended up having to follow my son round to ensure he wasn't going to be hurt. That was another occasion loud comments were made about exactly what I thought of her lack of parenting ability.

OP you're obviously a very conscientious mummy for posting this in the first place. Thank you.

DD is very little, bless her and is always getting pushed around. She never retaliates and has never hit another child to my knowledge (I'm sure she will!) but I have to say it really pisses me off when the perpetrator's parent kind of laughs it off and doesn't take it seriously. This happened not so long ago in the playground when a little boy shoved DD so hard that she fell on her bum into a puddle. His mum's attitude was like "kids, eh? haha!" Well, no. Not mine, actually.

On the flip side I really do appreciate a sincere apology to DD. Who knows what's going on in their little heads and how hurt or not they actually are. I'm sure they have complex little feelings and they deserve respect.

As long as the parent apologises and looks out to stop it happening again I'm fine with it.

If the parents aren't paying attention of watching them, I get really angry.

My son regularly gets smacked at nursery and playgroup. He is made out of teflon, and it really doesn't bother him. The last few times it has amused me as he now has a WTAF? face which he does silently and right up close to the perpetrators face, which seems to deal with the situation far more effectively than any adult intervention.

It depends on the situation really.
If my child has provoked another its fair play.
If my child is playing quietly by self and another child comes over and hits then that isn't ok. However, if I saw you disciplining then that would be ok. Not just the words but in tone of voice like you mean business ........not ''oh horacio darling don't do that, it isn't kind' with no further action iyswim. Mine would be frog marched home! and told so loudly within earshot of the parent I had offended

I have a younger version of your son OP, he's 18 mo and we left playgroup prematurely today after three big whacks to others!

I'm going back to work ft next week and feel ashamed to say I'm excited about it. Mostly so I don't have to deal with re hitting (as much) and because I know he's much better at nursery.

Depends how the parent reacts - if they acknowledge it and deal with their dc its fine - all toddlers get a bit heavy handed with each other in excitement. Dd1 gets a balding from her best friend and gives Jon one back too - it's fine I expect it.
Then there are the bulldozer kids - I don't like them and I helicopter when they are there - those kids are bullies and I won't tolerate them whacking dd and have their parent do nothing/not enough.

For example - I know a 2 year old who even though he is a year younger than our kids is a huge bulky for want if a better word. His mum lets him get away with exactly nothing and goes steaming in there every time he whacks another kid. She never down sys it and never loses her rag but always deals with him and acknowledges the other parent. I like her- we get in well even thigh her son is a bit if a pain.

I know another little boy who is becoming quite nasty and vindictive towards dd and other kids. His mother does this whole gentle parenting thing which is super permissive IMO. She never tells him KFC or says no. He hurt dd on purpose recently and nothing was done - she wax standing right next to me at the time do I know she saw it happen and dd sobbing. I found unix upsetting and rude. I don't want dd to at with him anymore harsh as that sounds