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Original poster

At my wits end with 8yr old ds. Don't know what to try next.

28 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 17:01

He is currently upstairs in his room, smashing and trashing it all over him not being able to have a packet of biscuits only 2 minutes after he'd eaten some crisps.

He has at least 2 tantrums like this a day, and I am all out of ideas. I always follow through with any punishments given but it is like he forgets the consequences as soon as the punsihment is over.

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CroissantNeuf · 13/09/2011 17:15

I haven't got any answers I'm afraid but some thoughts off the top of my head (until someone useful comes along Smile):

-is there anything going on behind the scenes that could be causing this (eg. problems with friends at school/bullying/struggling with school work)

-is he sleeping OK (if not it could be making him worse mood-wise, or it could be because hes worrying about some other problem and not sleeping therefore behaviour deteriorates)

-does he respond well to praise and positive goals? If so try and give him lots of praise for anything he does thats slightly good so he gets more positive than 'negative' interaction.

-Would a behaviour based start chart motivate him? Goals could be short or long term whichever you think might be better

-does he respond well to boundaries and rules? If so sit down with him and decide on and write out some rules eg. what snacks he can have after school

Its probably all stuff you've thought of or tried before though?

NiecieTheTerminator · 13/09/2011 17:17

Is this a new thing, is it something he has always done or something he did occasionally that is getting worse?

Ragwort · 13/09/2011 17:19

No real advice but my 8 year old DS was like this (only with me, charming in public) ........... I used to keep him really busy, lots of sport, fresh air etc.

I can remember weeping with frustration as nothing worked - he didn't care about sanctions, he was a good sleeper, tried sticker chart etc etc.

It has got much better as he gets older (now 10) .................. just wanted to let you know you are not alone Smile

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 17:24

He has always been like this, but has got worse recently.

He doesn't like school, never has. He isn't being bullied or anything but he struggles to maintain friendships because he can be quite controlling in the playground and only want to play his games. He also doessn't like sport and so can get left out alot during playtime.

He was on an IBP at school because of his lack of concentration, tendancy to chat and disrupt others, but he was taken off this at the end of last term because he had improved. His difficulties often come back or get worse when he is having friendship problems.

He is rude to me, his siblings, and friends and doesn't seem to care if he upsetss anyone. He hasn't yet been in trouble for the way he speaks to teachers but i think it is only a matter of time.

I have triedm rewards/behavious charts, various punishments etc praising him when he is good and nothing seems to work at all.

The thing is though, because his behaviour is worse at home than school, if i go into school about him then i think they will do nothing.

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madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 17:24

like ragwort, the only thing that keeps ds1 on the level (mostly) is a really busy, really organised routine. nothing out of the ordinary, no chilling out or milling about trying to decide what to do next (it always results in a meltdown), and as little sugar as possible. but it's the busy and the routine that keeps him on a level, definitely. trampoline time always a good standby in slack periods. Wink

i think there is another surge of testosterone around 8 as well? could be wrong. there are loads of threads weeping over 8/9yo boys though.

time is the best healer i think.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 17:25

Thanks ragwort.

He has just started Karate. It has taken me ages and ages to get him to join anything out of school, and he won't even think of doing anything sporty like football etc.

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madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 17:26

organised activities, too. get him into cubs. loads of adhd kids there. and they'll take him away at the weekends to do really cool stuff too. and more kids to make friends with in an organised environment.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 17:36

Yeh i did wonder about cubs, will look into it.

I just went up to speak to him and asked him to pick up the stuff he'd thrown around and he started screaming and then head butted the metal side of his bed 3 times. That's just not a 'normal' reaction is it.

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madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 17:43

it can be. ds whacks his head sometimes if he's already got himself into a lather. there comes a time when you have to try the calming techniques - talking slow and lowering your voice - try and have him sit down next to you. ds won't come anywhere near me if he's having a metdown, but i usually leave him for a few more minutes and then go and sit on the floor somewhere non-threatening and try and talk him down slowly. with lots of silence so he can gradually relax.

normal pretty much covers a lot of bases...

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 17:58

I do pretty much not shout with him now because it just has no effect. I tend to either ignore, or remove him from the room and hold on to him until he calms down.

He gets quite anxious during and outburst and sometimes get chest pains because he has worked himself up so much.

I have just checked how things are going at school and i think a few problems from last year may be creeping back in so i am goingto keep a close eye on that.

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madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 18:01
Sad poor little chap. i feel so sorry dor ds1 (when i don't want to murder him Wink) because he does seem to make things so difficult for himself unnecessarily.

school probably isn't helping, then.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 18:03

Yes thats exactly like my ds. He just has such extreme emotional reactions to situations that he loses control.

I am not sure ds will ever like school tbh. I have thought about moving him before, but would that do more harm than good.

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piratecat · 13/09/2011 18:11

hiya nutty, long long time no speak.

sorry to hear about your ds. not sure what to say. i knoiw dd had massive hormone surge at 8, things have erm, developed from then over the last year. how's his diet, i know dd started getting starving and grew out of everything very quickly.

xx

madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 18:32

ds has asked to be home educated a few times. we'd pretty much kill each other though, i think. Grin

there are a few of us playing with diet stuff on the GAPS thread in sn. i do know people that swear by feeding their 8/9 yo boys little and often though - evening out the whole blood sugar thing can sometimes avoid a meltdown. if i can sense ds getting argumentative i do sometimes have some success with a hasty snack... whetehr it's a diversionary tactic or genuinely got a scientific basis i couldn't say....

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/09/2011 20:03

Hi PC, hows things ??

He probbaly is having a growth spurt as he has grown out of alot of clothes recently and is always hungry. Will start taking a snack with me when I fetch him from school and make sure we eat at a reasonable time too.
I'll have a peek at that thread madwoman.

I have just been looking at some SN resources on ebay and I think some of them might help ds. He understands things alot better when there is a visual clue to what you are telling him to do. There is one particular one about calming yourself down. I think i will get that and see if it helps.

It is so frustrating as he is such a funny, sweet boy until his emotions get the better of him, and sometimes i think he genuinly doesn't understand why he behaves as he does.

We did have one succesful bit tonight though. I got him in the bath and we did some timetable practice and then some spellings. He said 'thats the most fun i've had in the bath for ages' LOL.
He loves his baths, so i think I will try and make sure we fit one in every night now as they help calm him down too.

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madwomanintheattic · 13/09/2011 20:14

try putting epsom salts in the bath too. Wink it's been mentioned a few times around and about in sn - thread search might help.

piratecat · 13/09/2011 21:06

oh bless him, i must say that dd found the work in yr 4 hard going. she had missed alot of school in yr 3 thru various illness, but year 4 seemed to test her greatly on top of that.

her boobs started to hurt, and spots broke out, obv different to your boy, but she did start getting stroppy and just not herself.

It's great that you have recognised things that he will respond to. It's hard to put that bit of special time in isn't it, or to even know what could brighten them a bit. yet the rewards for them and us feel great.

I am ok, thanks. still single tho lol!! xx

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 14/09/2011 13:07

Well this morning didn't go well at aall. As soon as i said it was time to get his coat on he started saying he felt sick, had a sore throat, leg ache etc.

He has done this before and twice I have given him the benefit of the doubt and kept him off but today I said no, you must go in. He complained all the way to school, and got panicky so his chest was hurting too.

The teaching assistant came out and took him to the library for a chat.

He said he hated me for making him go. I know he doesn't really hate me, but sad to hear all the same.

Glad to hear you are well PC. I am still single too lol

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Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 14/09/2011 16:20

Well this afternoon didn't go well either Sad

He was ok when i collected him, said he'd been ok all day. Gave him his snack and he was fine chatting with his friend. Then i made the mistake of going to the shop. He saw a comic he wanted and when I said no all hell broke loose.

This continued in the car, and then when he got hom he went to his room and started throwing and kicking things again. I left him for 5 min and then went up and sat on the floor with him until he stopped.

He said he wishes he knew why he was like he is. So do i.

I am going to get him some kids rescue remedy tomorrow, see if that helps at all.

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Haagendazs · 14/09/2011 16:35

My ds (7) has been driving me mad with temper tantrums too and no punishments/sanctions seemed to work. I've just started a reward chart in 2hour periods and if he has good behaviour all day he earns 15 mins on his ds before bed. If he earns more than half of the possible stars he gets a weekend treat (stay up a bit late or a magazine). So far it seems to be working.

Like Ragwort ds is a total angel in public and at school which drives me mad considering what he's like at home.

piratecat · 14/09/2011 18:59

hmm, is there anything happening with home life that could be on his mind?

for us, to be fair, it is often (on top of ailments) the 'dad' thing or lack of.x

Kiwiinkits · 16/09/2011 03:27

This comes up a lot, but it's because it's bloody good. Try reading How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and to Listen so Your Kids will talk.

Does your DS have a good relationship with his father? Boys of this age can start to draw away from their mothers (beginning of adolesence) and can crave extra time with their dad.

ladybutterfly1 · 16/09/2011 14:00

ive been reading through all the messages it seems to me he really dosent like school and there maybe somthing happening there. poor thing i really feel for him sound,s like he has a lot of anxiety i think he might have problem,s in how to express him selfself and its coming out in tantrums if he isnt getting on with kids n school playground because he onlywants to play his games try explaining cant always do what we want and we have to listen to to others and play fairly to form friendships i hope that helped

CaptainNancy · 16/09/2011 14:07

Can you ask him what it is specifically he doesn't like/enjoy at school (ie is it an academic issue, or a social issue?)

If he's Y3 now, there is time to change and settle for end of Juniors. Have both your DDs left that school now (ie won't impact on them if he moves?)

madwomanintheattic · 16/09/2011 16:30

time for a school visit i think... just to discuss the school-refusal before it gets worse. has he seen a ep/ recently?

if you think there is a situation underlying, or feelings he isn't sharing, then play therapy might be something you could look at? some play therapists are very good... can introduce coping strategies for generalised anxiety in a non threatening manner etc, too...