Is everyone on Mumsnet's kids gifted?

[colditz]

No, I'm not being bitchy at all. But some of the things that your 3 year olds can do, not one child at ds's nursery can do! Does Mumsnet attract high acheiving parents with high achieving kids, or are children in the SE doing better than other areas, or am I just missing something?

My ds is 32 months old, and when I see him with his peers at nursery, I am not at all worried, but when I read about what (it seems like) the majority of the children of his age of mumsnetters are doing, it worries me sick!

He isn't potty trained. He doesn't recognise his name when written down. He can't hold a proper conversation, and although he does see a speech therapist, this doesn't seem very uncommon in boys of his age. His only contribution to the computer is to stick inappropriate objects in the disc drive. Ditto dvd player, video, and cat. He is only just starting to use imaginative play.

I love him so much, he is the happiest, most charming child, but I am worried that I am doing something dreadfully wrong here, and he will suffer intellectually for my shortcomings as a parent.

Honestly, not a bitch-rant, I'm just getting quite worried now!

I am much more proud of my dds (age 3 and 5) when they show really good social skills. Dd1 particularly, ahem, 'gifted' [NB heavy irony in those inverted commas] in this department. In her class two children are 'stars' of the week - one for good work and one for good behaviour. This week she was (for the first time) given the star for her good work. But she forgot to tell me, because she was so excited about the fact that the little boy in her class who has SEN had got the star for good behaviour. She kept saying 'X was fabulous this week'. Now that I'm proud of!

PS She has a strange 1950s vocabulary at the moment, due to excessive exposure to C. S. Lewis!

my dd is 14 years old

I can't remember when she started talking,crawling,writing her name etc.etc.

They all grow up ,and that stuff is meaninglesss.

Parental support and not pushiness is what matters.Instilling self confidence is what counts at the end of the day.

Being the youngest of 5 and having loads of Aunts and Uncles on both sides (I naturally have a horde of cousins too) there was a ton of competition between us growing up. My Dad left school at 12 and Mum about 13-14 (1940's in rural Ireland - Dad had to work the land as Grandad passed away and Dad was one of 11!!!! Mum was the eldest so felt obligated to help financially when her dad too tragically passed away - plus she was a girl and so wasn't considered as college material ... grrrrrrrrrrrr)
Because both my parents left school early they wanted all of us to get the best education possible, NIGHTMARE when you're in that scenario - trust me and much worse than any high achiever parent types.

My 2 eldest brothers and sister did ok at school. They didn't set the world alight but each had one outstanding ability which deflected any pressure. Eldest brother has great aptitude for languages and is a geography genius. Second brother can play guitar better than Hendrix and is so mechanically minded it's amazing. My sister plays violin so well she has reduced people to tears - literally. They all progressively did better than the next in school btw. Then we have the boy-wonder of the family, in the top 5% in school constantly all honours subjects and all honours in everything. One of the youngest qualified chartered accountants in Ireland. Then along came me so of course because every one else had improved on the one before - No pressure eh? I was walking steadily by 12mths, talking fluently by 2yrs and because I was a total bookworm I was 3 years ahead of everyone in my class at reading when I was in primary school. My vocabulary was ace and I was fluent in English and Irish from a young age. But, I was normal in every other aspect. Maths was a real hard slog for me, I hated French in Secondary and my art was useless. My favourite subjects in school were english irish and music _ but becuase i attended the same school as sis i was always compared to her at music and because i can't play an instrument i was somewhat of a disappointment to them. Irish was not something that was applauded (but I was immensely proud of it) and in the end when I missed my course choice and ended up deciding against college as I didn't want to "settle" for a course I didn't love, my parents were disappointed. I was always going to fall short of boy-wonder, but to be honest while I was bitter and envious and jealous of him growing up - I am glad now because his superior attitude to other people he feels arent as clever as him and his demeanour are not something I would be envious of. We have each become parents this year and the obvious comparisons are being made by the grandparents between my ds and his dd - I let it roll off my back in a way I couldn't when I was directly involved myself as tbh society puts enough pressure on the new generation of today without family joining in. I love my gorgeous boy for all he can do and all that he will learn to do in his own time.

Colditz you're not doing anything wrong, just take the time to appreciate every little milestone and every little progression as and when they DO happen. Every baby is special and every baby is a little genius in his or her own way. Your little treasure is still trying to figure out whether to be the next Boticelli, Byron or Bill Gates that's all!

Sorry for the long post but this is really really close to home for me and I just had to get it out!

Aloah and Issymum - I wasn't suggesting clever and happy were mutually exclusive in my post - I hope I didn't offend! In fact, both my kids are pretty bright and happy! But not 'gifted', which was the original point of this thread (I think!) I suffer from a bt of an inferiority complex about my own abilities - I was singled out at school for an exceptionally high reading age and was consired talented at creative writing. Won national poetry comps etc at primary school. But am appalling at maths and science. Struggled at Grammar school because of the 'imbalance' of my skills, suffer from mild dyslexia which makes learning by rote extremely hard for me and therefore exams problematic! and didn't go to uni because of these problems and have regretted it ever since. Never felt I fullfilled my 'potential' and really don't want my kids to go through this, which is why i focus on happiness - regardless of intellectual ability.

I haven't had time to read all of this probably but a couple of things came into my head. Firstly I think Bill Gates is pretty exceptional if he does have Aspergers - as far I understand it many people with Aspergers do have an unhappy time of it. A survey by the NAS showed that only 12% of adults with high functioning autism or Aspergers were employed and only 3% living independently. Interestingly these figures weren't that different to adults further along the spectrum suggesting that IQ didn't really contribute to ability to live the kind of independent life most people would probably aspire to.

The other thing is about getting back what you put in. I have two children, one with special needs and one without. The one without is intelligent, doing very well at school and has always seemed advanced at most things. He also copes well socially and has plenty of friends. The other struggles with everything including social interaction. So they prove that what I have put in has not achieved the same result. However I disagree that what I put in has not contributed. I think that Ds2 might have been struggling considerably more without the energy and time I have invested in him. I also think that DS1 wouldn't have developed some of the skills to the level he has without help, encouragement and opportunity to practice. And surely we must all believe that our own contribution is important else why do we strive each day to be better parents? Why do we read to our kids, play with them and teach them if we don't believe it helps? I think what you put in is very important but a child's level of achievement is not a reliable measure of what a parent has put in because there are so many other factors too.

Good thread. My DS is 20 months and has yet to utter his firs word, and sticks shapes into correct holes only with some assistance - but who cares. He is happy and much loved.

I have some mummy friends who are very competitive, and meet-ups are normally spent engaged in 'development derby', which is probably why I spend more time on Mumsnet these days... I have one friend in particular who interrogates me on a weekly basis about my son's development, and frents that her child does not count to five like somebody else's child (age: 19 months). I think children should be allowed to be children, they have all their lives to be super-achieving and competitive, and they have all their lives to be tested and measured and assessed. I am yet to see a 12-year-old who can't do colours or count to five. It does not mean that we are not 'setting them for success' (god, I hate the term...) if they are not pushed to achieve things while they are still in nappies! My parents did bugger all with me and definitely did not take me to baby yoga, baby drama classes or sit with me for hours learning numbers and colours, and yes I learned to talk and walk, in fact I went on to get three university degrees and some interesting jobs. I second Dublindee - every baby is special. Colditz I bet you are an amazing mum.

Hi
Sounds like you need a bit of TLC as a parent and confidence building! Remember it's not a competition raising kids - they don't come with a handbook and there's really no "right" or "wrong" way to bring up them up - that's the point they are your children and you know them best and love them completely. Children develop at their own speed and do things in their own unique and special way. I am passionate about raising kids with strong self esteem, as a former teacher and Deputy Head, and now as a Parent and Kids Coach. I've written a free report called "7 Key Skills To Raising Happy, Confident, Well-Balanced Children" and I'm happy to share this with anyone who's interested. Please e-mail me on [email protected] and I'll send you a copy.

post it on here if its free

if not go to the small business section and pay your £25

Sue, this is at least the second thread that you are plugging your publication on - please do as Enid suggests and don't post about it on any more threads.

Thanks.