Is everyone on Mumsnet's kids gifted?

[colditz]

No, I'm not being bitchy at all. But some of the things that your 3 year olds can do, not one child at ds's nursery can do! Does Mumsnet attract high acheiving parents with high achieving kids, or are children in the SE doing better than other areas, or am I just missing something?

My ds is 32 months old, and when I see him with his peers at nursery, I am not at all worried, but when I read about what (it seems like) the majority of the children of his age of mumsnetters are doing, it worries me sick!

He isn't potty trained. He doesn't recognise his name when written down. He can't hold a proper conversation, and although he does see a speech therapist, this doesn't seem very uncommon in boys of his age. His only contribution to the computer is to stick inappropriate objects in the disc drive. Ditto dvd player, video, and cat. He is only just starting to use imaginative play.

I love him so much, he is the happiest, most charming child, but I am worried that I am doing something dreadfully wrong here, and he will suffer intellectually for my shortcomings as a parent.

Honestly, not a bitch-rant, I'm just getting quite worried now!

being one of those awful ex oxford types myself, and having met ds there this thread amuses me.

Totaly aggre with baka and frogs that the development thing is inate. I raised mine the same way. Being a goby sort, talked to them non stop, dd started talking at 11 months and was fluent at 18, ds needed SALT. dd taugh herself to read at 3, ds trails the rest of his class and struggles.

they are how they are, nowt to do with me, or their dad

18 months!

Shit, i'd swap the oxford thing for being able to spell and type!

and just as an aside, my 'bottom set' kids today, sn to a child where utterly fab. They parents can be rightly very proud of them. All that matters is that people are nice

Great thread! PMSL a lot. Proves that all kids are utterly unique and good at being themselves. I was considered ultra bright till about 11, then plunged into the realms of underachiever forever more. None of the competition makes sense to me, though I occasionally get anxious and find myself joining in (grrf).

What I want to know is, does DD (nearly 2) holding a segment of satsuma on her head and pretending to be a fireman constitute gifted or demented?! I have so much to learn..

Totally agree with you mb - a friend who is a self-confessed pushy parent has an extremely bright ds who's 3 but pretty much socially inept - were so busy teaching him to recite Keats they forgot manners!

My DT sons (age 21 months) are gifted because they are alive. There was a danger that I would lose them at 26 weeks pregnancy and eventually they had to be delivered at 34 weeks by c-section because the smaller one, who weighed 3lb 1oz at birth, was suffering. We had 24 hours notice to prepare ourselves and the whole thing was a blur. They spent 3 weeks in special care unit and thereafter, they have been way behind their peers on everything e.g. did not sit until 12 months.

DH and I don't care to compare them to others because we are eternally grateful to have them with us and any progress they make is a delight to behold.

Well said Speedymama. I waited a zillion years for DD, feel the same!

"A child who points regularly at things and is given what he/she points to will often not talk until later because he can communicate in that way"

And pointing is FAR more important than speech in a young child and tells you FAR more about how developed their language and cognition etc is.

Sugarbaby, when you wrote "you definitely get back what you put in", it made me a bit sad.

My dd is barely speaking despite my best efforts - she is an only child, I talk to her endlessly, she is so clingy I could not put her in front of a telly if I wanted to, she is superinteractive (yes, pointy) ... but so far I am not getting any return on my investment. Granted most mumsnetters are not the sort to leave their children in cots with TVs blaring 24/7, most children should get sufficient stimulation to develop speech from day-to-day interactions far below my dd's hyper attention. So I have to agree with martianbishop, baka etc that a lot has to be said for innate ability (or neurone development) over environment. Or maybe I am in denial

oops - take out "most" in front of mumsnetters - sheesh!

Wow. thanks guys.

It's not just me then.

I'm never quite sure why people want their children to be gifted or even clever, anyway. If I could choose, the thing I would most like my children to be is happy, closely followed by likeable. I don't think cleverness necessarily helps with either of those things, in fact I think it can seriously hinder them.

No you're not in denial blueshoes. It is true that if you leave a child in a cot with blank walls their development suffers (think Romanian orphanages) but you only have to look at all the contradictory studies out there (nursery is good/nursery is bad/mothers working is good/bad etc) to realise that providing you give some interaction babies just.... develop. Or not. The time when what you put in can make a big difference is with SN- but even then you are still restained by your child's potential. I now realise that whatyever we had done when ds1 was little he still wouldn't be talking now- because it appears there are clear neurological reasons why it is hard for him. I have to accept that we have done as much as we can. His brother - who was 2nd child and has had a lot less 1:1 and absolutely no therapy style stuff from me has developed a very good vocab (which is commented on) despite not starting to talk until 2 and a half (and his speech development was weird in the extreme- he went from 0 to talking in conversational sentences within 1 week- literally- ds1's SALT- who was advising us on ds2 couldn't believe it)

Iused to believe that ds1's fantastic eating habits (would eat anything) was down to my superior weaning skills. Ha- the sound of hollow laughter- his diet is now very limited.

Having a child with severe SN and at least one who dosn't have problems I find the way that ds2 soaks up things incredible. He's not gifted- just normal I suspect. And thr biggest difference between him and ds1? Ds1's biggest difficulty in learning anything? the reason dss1 is classed as SLD- despite having what is probably a fairly intact IQ? ds2 can imitate, ds1 can't.

blueshoes my dd was the same, so I arranged to go to college 2 days aweek and she went tio nursery were after a few weeks of not talking she start to talk, She is now at school and the teacher told gher off for talking in class I was so proud!!

"I think that ten years ago I would have been bummed too, but now I'm into my 40s I seem so much more aware of what can go badly wrong, I find it easier to be content with something that's going alright." Issymum I can so relate to that. Also I found having more than one child helped me in coming to the realisation that comparisons aren't helpful.

I actually don't subscribe to the 'they all even out' theory. it can sometimes be true, but in my experience quite often if a child is ahead they stay ahead and if they're behind they continue to struggle - uncomfortable as that idea is. Some kids are good at everything too, and this does usually make life rather easy for them (unless, they are extremely good at everything). Who wouldn't wish that for their own kids given the choice? However, it is something akin to wishing their eyes were blue or hair was blonde, so not worth wasting time over.

So long as you support your child to do the best they can given the gifts they may or may not have; don't have unrealistic expectations; celebrate all their successes with them however small and support them in their choices, then you are doing the best you can for them and they will most likely suceed at whatever level is best for them - what more can you want?

I have some very 'competitive mum' friends who used to really piss me off.(It started with 'oh dear, hasn't he got any teeth yet and is still ongoing ''so what exactly did he get in his yr 1 SATS - mine got level 5s but I don't want to brag'' etc etc). But my ds nearly died at 4, and that taught me a huge lesson in appreciating him regardless of his (non exiteant) academic achievements! He survived against the odds and maybe it was for a reason and one day he'll do something amazing. And maybe not! He's also dyslexic and has appalling fine motor control so writing, drwing etc well below 'average'. But he and his brother are constantly amazing, and that is what I love about being a parent. Good reports, bad reports, crap drawings, works of art - they and I are HAPPY

I haven't the faintest idea about the Inferiorettes. In the manner of my upbringing I tend to assume they're quite bright and, like Fennel etc, am very aware that I have to guard against this assumption and its implications. *I am unreasonably proud when DD1 does well at school but this is in great part because I feel it compensates from the ahem hands-off approach to her education she gets at home

Without having other children of my own to put things in perspective (like mb) or the wisdom of experience (like Issymum and Wassnaillingpace), I still try to push my niggling doubts to the back of my mind. But Colditz, I completely relate to your description of ds in relation to my 2.2 year old dd. When I think about what dd is doing compared to her peers at nursery (ok, ok, I should stop that), Baka, like you, I marvel at how other children just soak things up whereas with dd it is like water off a duck's back.

Speedymama, Elibean and moonfiend, I too am grateful to have dd at all. My pregnancy was chock-a-block with anomaly scans and dd spent 2 weeks in neonatal ICU/Special Care, finally requiring major surgery at 4 months. She has always been somewhat behind developmentally. Despite having put her health issues firmly behind her, she still hasn't caught up (in growth, development, speech). Neither dh nor I are oxbridge but we did well enough academically to know the disproportionate weight accorded to academic success as an entry requirement in certain professions - hence the earnest hope, then the worry.

Wassnailingpace, I was taking comfort in the "they will all even out eventually" mantra! Don't like feeling always on the back foot and having to smile and say nothing when other parents talk about the clever things their dd/ds said/did. But of course I recognise that some things may never meant to be.

Oh well, Colditz, Ilike you, am not ranting or complaining. Dd is funny and engaging in her primitive way. I couldn't ask for more

You can be clever AND happy you know! I know plenty of bright and happy kids. Not all intellectual kids are miserable loners, just as not all sporty kids are brainless brutes. I think it's rather over-dramatic to position happy and clever as opposites. Of course, being happy, confident and well adjusted is more important than anything and other qualities, such as persistence and willingness to learn from mistakes predict future success more than being intellectually gifted, but some people get a lot of pleasure out of intellectual pursuits.
I suspect Bill Gates is a truly happy person.

I don't know depression is common in people with AS (Bill Gates).

blueshoes don't worry about professions- they don't bring happiness!

If Bill Gates, with his huge business (including developing the software so much of my life depends on), intellectual satisfaction, happy marriage to a fantastic woman and his fantastic philanthropy has Aspergers then it's the best advert for Aspergers I can imagine.

going to the OP< dd1 is not gifted, is a sponge fir information but doesnt tend to reatain it, is doing ok at school despite upsets at home etc. dd2 on the other hand, is according to her pre-school(haha) very bright and intelligent, can do puzzles quickly and easily, but lacks play/social skills. she cannot think for herself really todays conversation went something like this

'does your doll have a name?'
'doll have name'
'do you want to give it a name?'
'give a name'
'well is it a boy or girl?'
'girl'

she is 3years and 3months old. dd1 at that age was giving her dolls and teddies names. 'sophie' is still a part of our lives. dd2 also has a 'sophie' doll but its just a doll.

My DS is pretty bright - said his first word at about 8 mths. Could read at 3 and is currently roughly 2 yrs ahead at school. He can understand complex science things and his current bedtime book is one all about skeleton.

On the otherhand cannot be trusted to use the toilet when he needs to.
He won't eat.
He is cheeky and rude to me.
His writing isn't great.
Didn't crawl until he was over a year.
Swings and rundabouts I'd say.