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Original poster

Daily battles with my argumentative and demanding 3 year old.Help.

38 replies

northerner · 20/11/2005 19:19

On one hand my ds is a gorgeous, inqusitive, bright, loving boy. On the other hand he is demanding (put my programmes on, get me my juice, get my bunny etc),rude (I want, I want)and argumentive. If I say no to something he will ask again and again and again and will not listen to me. This kind of behaviour is becoming more regular and I really want to nip it in the bud. The only way I get through to him is by really raising my voice and then he falls to pieces. And we both end up upset.

There must be an easier way surely. I keep trying to tell myself I'm the adult and he's only 3, but we end up 'arguing' cause he wants to wear his buzz light year pyjamas but they're in the wash.

Am I going mad?

Tell me this will pass, or give me fool proof suggesstions for how to discipline.

Thanks

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Blandmum · 20/11/2005 19:23

I'm sure you will get lots of great advice.

Mine would be simple. Don't fight every batter, you will wear yourself out. Pick your issues with care, be 100% consistant and make damn sure you win them all. when that 'behaviour' is then ok, go onto the next one.

Don't try to do it all at once or you will both have a miserable time.

zippitippitoes · 20/11/2005 19:24

I would suggest ignoring his demands, talking very quietly to him and having a pressing activity in a different room. Also try and anticipate his needs a bit like surveying the road ahead when you're driving so you can get him used to having TV on at a particular time. Also try to help him understand waiting by eg saying we will have a drink when we've made the beds etc

gigglinggoblin · 20/11/2005 19:26

always have a reason for saying no, then you know you are not arguing for the sake of it (i have done it when tired). he isnt too small for the naughty step, that will work but will probably take a few days for him to understand it

Twiglett · 20/11/2005 19:29

stop arguing with him

crouch down to his level, make him look you in the eyes (I used to use my fingers to grab DS's attention and say look at me as I pointed at both of his eyes then at mine). When he looks at you say 'no' clearly and firmly

then simply refuse to continue to discuss it .. make him leave the room or leave it yourself

you need to set a firm boundary

it won't work at once but over a month or so he will begin to realise that its not worth it when he gets that tone

HTH

Twiglett · 20/11/2005 19:30

I have also found 'one more and no more' works ... but only so long as you are definite that there will be no more .. lapse once and you lose all credibility

Blandmum · 20/11/2005 19:32

twiglett, my dd (now almost 9) calls it 'The quiet voice that scares people'

Also used to deadly effect in school, very quiet, right behind the childs head, so that no one else hears what I said!

'Are you sure you want to do X? if you do I will have to give you a detention, your choice'

OxyMoron · 20/11/2005 19:33

Hi,

do you think this book might help? If your ds fits with the character traits she lists, it might be worth a go. I think it's an excellent, really positive parenting book.

Twiglett · 20/11/2005 19:34

I don't think you need to rationalise / provide reasons with a 3 year old ALL the time .. I think YOU are the parent and sometimes No just simply means No

Enid · 20/11/2005 19:34

lol

my 3 year old has become exactly the same

I realised (and I think cod pointed out) that I basically didnt really discipline her

so over the last few days I have got really (for me strict.

I have started using the timer on the oven set for 5 minutes so she can learn to wait. Also tonight I spoke to her very firmly a la Twigletts advice and she was so stunned she stopped throwing a demanding strop and did what she was told immediately

Enid · 20/11/2005 19:36

oh and I completely agree with just saying no

I usually provide a potted reason first of all (very brief) and then its NO all the way.

tiring isnt it...

MrsMiggins · 20/11/2005 19:38

Twiglett - I do the "one more then no more"
really does work as they think they've been heard but you have actually been firm

I also try "two more and one for luck" for eating a bit more food or cleaning teeth

I think the key really is that children need to know you will carry things out

I now only have to say "One" (as in 1,2,3) and DS does what hes told
DD is 17 mths and she doesnt get to 3

such a hard mummy

fruitful · 20/11/2005 19:55

The battle we're having at the moment is the one where I tell dd (3.5) to do something (get dressed, tidy up, whatever...) and she says "why?" and stands there looking at me. I crouch down a la twiglett and we have this conversation -

me - "when mummy tells you to do something, what do you say?"
dd - " yes, mummy"
me - "and what do you do?"
dd - "obey...." and does it

We have now got to the point where it goes like this

me - "when mummy tells..."
dd - "I beying, I beying..." and does it

took quite a lot of visits to the naughty corner though.

But I got to the point where I was shouting "just do it will you" and I didn't like myself very much.

I do explain things to her, just not every little thing, all of the time. Sometimes it is "because I said so!".

Definitely pick a battle and keep at that thing until they've got it.

Original poster
northerner · 20/11/2005 20:02

Yes Enid - it is blood tiring. Especially when you lok back at the day and think all I did was yell.

Think you hit the nail on the head though, I don 't really discipline him. Don't use naughty step or anyhing. Do send him to his room but it's full o toys.........

Am off to look at your link oxymoron.

Keep the advice coming guys. Good to know I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
northerner · 20/11/2005 20:02

Bloody tiring

OP posts:
Twiglett · 20/11/2005 20:04

oh and in my house 'get me my juice' would get a very stern look and response until he said 'please may I have some juice'
.. children should never be encouraged to demand IMHO

.. oh and DS is also beginning to realise that expressions like "I'm thirsty" or "I'm hungry" get a 'that's nice dear' in response (he is 4.9 though)

I am a mean ol' mummy

gingerbear · 20/11/2005 20:06

I have a threenager too.
I hate being 'naughty mummy'
I need to toughen up.

Hulababy · 20/11/2005 20:31

I have one too! Been talking about this to a mum of another threenager this evening too. They have an answer for everything and can jsutify every question in such detail. Argh!

I have no answers; still learning.

hoxtonchick · 20/11/2005 20:35

so glad my ds isn't the only demanding one. i find it all very tiring. he does a fine line in shouting at me when i've done something he doesn't approve of. most of the time he's lovely though.

marionette · 21/11/2005 10:41

Their egos are just enormous, that's what it is, and you have to deflate them a little by whatever means possible.

My dd's just turned 3 and is generally, I think, pretty good. But she does lots of the things mentioned here and another - procrastinating - which she undoubtedly gets from me but which drives me crazy. We're all ready to go and then SUDDENLY she needs to change her socks for a different, ESSENTIAL pair. AGH!!!!!!!!!!

I do just about everything mentioned here, especially the things 'nasty' twiglett advocates. My stern voice dd calls 'mean mummy' which doesn't make me feel so great but still.

The other simple thing I've found that works when she's refusing to dress is to say 'ok, well we're not doing ANYTHING else until you do' and I sit down, open the newspaper and totally ignore her. Within 3 minutes usually she comes over and says sweetly 'I'm ready now'. On the odd occasion it hasn't worked so quickly it's no problem as I get to sit and read the paper quietly for, ooh, all of 10 minutes.

And I've also lately found that 'deals' work. As in when she wants to do one more game in the bath and I want her out we'll say 'ok, one more such-and-such then out with no fuss?' we shake hands, both say 'deal!' It hasn't once failed. I tried to explain to her that if you break a deal you can't do it again and it's sunk in.

Mean mummy.

handlemecarefully · 21/11/2005 10:48

I agree with 'No' needs to mean 'No'

Also, at bed time when dd is nicely relaxed i tend to reflect on the day with her, commenting on when she was good and when she was naughty or rude. She nods sagely, contributes her own comments, we discuss it and if there has been more naughty than good she generally acknowledges it, says sorry and promises to make more of an effort the next day (and she does). It might not be in any of the Positive Parenting book, but it seems to work for us

fruitful · 21/11/2005 10:58

hmc, I agree about the talking it through. They're so serious aren't they? We were talking about dd waking us up all night long and she said "oh mummy I'm so sorry about that. I'll try not to" oh-so-serious and grown-up.

handlemecarefully · 21/11/2005 11:37

It's rather cute isn't it fruitful

kleist · 21/11/2005 11:38

Yes, but they can't always carry through their good intentions can they? My dd, who is a terrible eater, regularly sits down at her table and says brightly 'today mummy I'm going to be a REALLY good girl. I'm going to eat ALL my dinner'. 5 minutes later she calls, equally brightly, 'I'm finished!' and has eaten about a tenth of what's on her plate.

handlemecarefully · 21/11/2005 11:38

Bless!

kleist · 21/11/2005 11:40

I know

We also do that talking at the end of the day business. Dd loves it, she calls it 'talking about the fings' and we go over the whole day. It's like psychoanalysis!