Violent behaviour in little boys- how to cope after having a girl?

[titferbrains]

Pg and due in sep. I have one strong willed, stubborn bu mostly pleaSant and sociable dd.

I am pretty horrified generally by the behaviour of little boys around me, more wh iny, clingy, and more violent, endlessly waving stick shaped things about and shouting aggressively etc.

Don't know what I'm having but am trying understand boys behaviour a bit better. What do you have to tolerate and what do you say is unacceptable?

I have friends with boys who seem to be much less strict than I am about all the kinds of behaviour I mention. In particular I struggle with violence, even watching brothers playfightng with sticks looks like too much to me - I just feel it's so important to teach kids that violence isn't acceptable but perhaps when you've had a boy you can sigh and say boys will be boys and feel they'll grow out of it?

Just wonder how to let their hormones do what they need to do but also teach that violence has consequences and is wrong?

Get the book Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph - it will tell you all you need to know :)

I think your attitude will change once you hold your fantastic boy/girl in your arms. You will tolerate what is normal to you and your family that is basically it. No need to worry. Relax.

don't buy any books on boys unless you find them to be a different species...

I agree some parents are a bit lax on discipline and that the eyes to heaven 'boys will be boys' is an excuse for this...

IME boys are sweet calm and loving people who all vary as much as girls do. I hope you are pleasantly surprised by your little boy and realise that males are by no means ALL violent individuals.

I have been blessed with a few boys and they are gentle and quiet people. They don't play fight - just not on their agenda

hi, I had 2 girls and then a boy, and I am often surprised by just how different he is from the. He isn't particularly aggresive, but he is fascinated by guns and swords, and will fashion them from bits of toast

I don't think he hits any more than his sister's did at that age (3) and he knows it is not tolerated. He can be affectionate and cuddly, but is also strong-willed and stubborn- think that's just his personality, though, rather than his Y chromosome.

I think you are doing boys a bit of a disservice, tbh. There is no reason for them to be any more badly behaved than a girl (in fact my dd2 is more likely to lash out than ds)

Boys might be boys, but many of the boys I know are quiet and well-behaved. Ds is very much a "boy"- he dislikes all things "girly" and loves power tools and dinosaurs, but that's just him. There is an element of basic hormonal influence, but parenting comes into it too! If you have a boy, there is no reason why he would turn out violent, clingy or aggressive! Relax, boys are actually quite fun

AT DS' nursery quite a few of the boys are gentle and calm (as is DS) and no more boisterous/rough than the girls

DS complains of 2 children who hit/destroy their games and one is a boy and one is a girl

You probably notice it because you have a gentle child but really, not all boys are like that. And also, other peoples children are always very different to your own!!

Realize I am sounding a bit anti boys but actually I love them. I just wonder how to cope when specific situations come up, eg using things as guns or pretending to shoot someone. Guns kill people and no child wants the friend they are playing with actually dead so I really don't like the idea of "playing" at it.

My brother is a very gentle and pleasant person but even he used to play a lot of shooting computer games I used to joke and say oh, you're busy with more death maiming and destruction are you? To remind him, playfully, that they weren't very nice games. If I'd been his mum I.d have banned them. But is there any point? Do they need these violent outlets?

DS finds his own violent outlets, usually physically attacking his long-suffering big sister. He can turn any toy into a painful weapon.

We have a rule. Any toy used for hitting or throwing at somebody gets immediately taken away.

He turned 3yo a week ago. He is also very affectionate and cuddly. However I am still suffering from the culture shock of coping with his behaviour (no reasoning, no negotiating, no compromise, no backing down - him, not me) after enjoying the comparatively sane behaviour of DD.

DS is 4 and has never pretended to shoot anything. He has no idea what to do with his pirate sword.

We don't encourage him to see things with violence and if we see things in books we make sire he understands that it is hurting someone. But he's 4 - we don't really discuss death and maiming that much as it isn't really something he gets!

I don't think they need the violent outlets at all - I think sports covers that!

I think the key thing you need to get out of your mind is that the baby is its gender. You bring the baby up as you feel best regardless of gender. I don't make DS get muddy etc and I'm not going to make DD paint her room pink and where princess dresses!

Pip that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Need to sleep now but really interested to hear what other mums have to say about this. Pls note I'm not worried that I won't love a boy if I have one, I'm just trying to understand what kind of behavioural differences I might see that I've already noted in other boys and how to deal with them and understand them. I want to provide balance as a mother but I don't know if my (very strong) feelings about violence need to be brought down a peg or 2 to manage a little boy from day to day. Hope that makes sense!

Odd. I feel quite the opposite is true, i.e, little girls fit your description perfectly and I am rather appalled of the ones I've came across.
Children are children though and most of tem are lovely, regardless are they boys or girls. Or so I keep telling to myself.

I have to say, I don't know to what extent DS's behaviour can be attributed to him being a boy. It is quite possible that the reason I find him challenging at times is that DD came first and is very similar to me personality-wise whereas DS takes after his dad's family much more and therefore approaches things from a different perspective to me.

IMHO I think you are assuming alot, I've never really witnessed what you've stated. Like I said you are the parent , alot comes from you. And my ds12 has survived not playing the type of games you have mentioned . And no, they don't need a violent outlet but I would (seriously) guide them to a team sport.

Boys are fab! Don't be scared

Another example:
Today DS kicked me on the shin. I told this was not on and he would be going to timeout if he repeated it (trying hard not to end up with another cold meal). So he grinned and kicked me again.
DD has never kicked me, ever. Or hit me, or pulled my hair.

I am having to relearn ever parenting skill I thought I had acquired with DD in order to try and find ways of working with DS.

At bedtime he told me he was baby bird and I was mummy bird. He nestled into me making contented little chirrups and flapping his tiny wings. Can't believe how much I love him.

OK DS is 5 and he has a DD on either side of him DD1 is 6 and DD2 is 4.

DS is like a whirlwind sometimes, just a huge jumping, bouncing bundle of energy. He loves to dance and do gymnastics, climb, explore etc but he also loves superhero play, most young boys do.

I do not allow toy guns etc, but do allow pirate swords and we have a knights dressing up outfit that came with shield and sword obviously.

DS does love to play fight and will do so with the girls, they love it as much as he does (especially dd2) 9 times out of 10 this is good old fashioned fun, if it ever goes to far or one doesn't stop when the other has had enough then I step in - this rarely happens though.

DS gets a lot of his superhero play out in the playground at school, when he is free, to run, jump, fly etc to his hearts content.

DS has never been an unruley child, he is not mean or disruptive or as bully of any sort. He has his moments obviously as they all do. His energy is exhausting and it is the same the most young boys, girls tend to be calmer, but it's nothing to worry about.

I wouldn't even think about it, you do what is best for you and your household, but try and make things a little easier on yourself. Boys will be boys and they do love superheros and pretending to be superheros which generally involves beating up a baddie somewhere along the line.

I have 3 boys and there are huge differences between them. I attribute a lot to birth order and individual personalities.

My 3 dd's climb trees, playfight and would quite happily join in with the boys games. I dont think its a boy/girl thing. My nephew is a lot quiter sensitive and thoughtful than my girls.

I think if you are not happy with weapons play, then don't have any in the house. Its not to say that he won't make them out of other things (mine did), but then you can put boundaries around what you're happy with.
Don't worry too much about what others are doing. All boys have different temperaments. Some are really boisterous and others aren't. And he'll be a baby for ages! Good luck.

no guarantee that if you had a girl you'd miss out on the violence: my dd was far more physical than her brother's ever been- ds is a gentle soul

but you decide what is acceptable in your family, at the same time as allowing for the fact that another child of either sex may need more physical activity than your dd

I did not allow ds any playguns or other play weapons;

but bought ds a beautiful blowpipe as an ornament for his room only to find they are classed as illegal weapons

My two boys are certainly 'boys' and love all that play fighting nonsense. They are also both very loving and gentle. I think you get out what you put in to a certain extent.

Oh and re the 'shooting people' thing, they do do this, but when DS1 first did it I explained that a child at a friends school had just shot himself in the head with a real gun and had died (which was true) and that guns really do hurt and kill people. He looked totally shocked, but it really sunk in and he has never pretended to shoot anyone since. He was 4 at the time and had won an AK47 at a fete!

A lot of boy/girl behaviour in the pre-school age range is due to adult projections rather than the child's own personality. A lot of parents aren't even aware they are doing it but right from the word go boys are encourage to be more boisterous and physical than girls and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have boy/girl twins and in terms of personality DD is the loudest/more physical of the two. She has always gravitated much more to boy toys and my DS to dressing up as a fairy etc. However, now they are in nursery and about to go to school this Sept, they are exposed to a lot more peer pressure and are slowly beginning to conform because 'that's what boys (or girls) do/wear/play etc etc'.

These days a huge amount of toys are gender stereotyped and I'm aware that if I only had DD and everyone bought her toys suitable for a girl, she would be much more 'girly' than she is.

I pull up my children whenever they say things about 'only girls do...' or 'boys can't...' but I don't prevent them from wanting to conform to typical gender roles either. I intend to let them work it out for themselves but with their eyes fully open. Ultimately, despite their different genders, they have a lot more in common with each other than they have differences. You will find that if your DS is a gentle soul, he won't become friends with rowdy boys, he will find other like-minded youngsters (hopefully of both genders) to be friends with.

Both my DC are very active outdoorsy types but neither of them play aggressively or are violent because I will not tolerate it. Male or female there's no excuse. Waving a sword around pretending you are slaying a dragon is fine whether you're a boy or a girl. Hitting another child with said sword (even if it's foam) is not.

After all that waffle, basically what I'm saying is that your DS will be your DS and a lot of the things you're worried about will disappear simply because he is your son and you have your own particular style of parenting, and that will influence him far more than his sex hormones.

I agree with sunshine and nospringflower. I have 2 boys (3.7 and 1.10) and they're not aggressive or nasty. Loud, yes, some of the time (but so are the girls we have over to play sometimes). They like playing with trains, cars, and swords (we don't have any guns) but also reading books, doing jigsaws, 'drawing' (scribbling) and cuddling. They are also very different personalities from each other. As sunshine says, if you have a boy he will be your son, and will have character traits that come from and are developed by you. I'm expecting DC3 at the moment, and nearly everyone assumes I must be desperate for a girl. Not at all. Am happy with whatever I get. If it's another boy as fab as the two I have (in their different ways) I will be very lucky.

My ds is only 17mo, so he's not really shooting pretend guns or anything like that. He is extremely boisterous and climbs a lot and he is very loud. After having dd, I thought that I would find my ds's behaviour a challenge, when in fact I delight in it. My boy. I adore him, as I do her, and I love their differences, which I don't feel are anything to do with their sex.

Disclaimer: I may not feel quite so positive about my dc after I've been home from work for half an hour this evening

"A lot of boy/girl behaviour in the pre-school age range is due to adult projections rather than the child's own personality. A lot of parents aren't even aware they are doing it but right from the word go boys are encourage to be more boisterous and physical than girls and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. "

Interesting hypothesis, but I suspect there would be research proving for or against that point. It's so cr*p when people make out that boys and girls would all act the same if we didn't assume what their behaviour would be based on gender.

I would say to the op that boisterous racing around and climbing is normal and you need to facilitate that stuff, and set boundaries - climbing up a sofa is not on, climbing up a frame in the playground is great etc.

I gave up on the guns thing - they love water pistols and it has just moved on from there. Once they stopped being 'banned' they became much less interesting anyway.

grumpypants, I don't think boys and girls would be the same, but I passionately believe that there would be far fewer differences between them if we didn't live in a society where boy/girl stereotypes were so entrenched.

I suspect you would find that more girls became more boisterous and active, rather than boys becoming quieter.

There is quite a lot of research going on in this field and earlier this year a female scientist (Prof Gina Rippon) came out and stated in several publications that there is no overwhelming evidence to show that men and women's brains are fundamentally different. She staked her professional reputation on the line that most behavioural differences based on gender are in fact learned not hardwired.

There will always be anecdotal evidence to counteract this, and there is certainly no 'one size fits all' explanation, but in my personal opinion the differences are much more social than they are biological, and I maintain that a man and a woman (or boy and girl) with similar dispositions and interests will always have more in common than two people of the same sex with completely opposing values and personalities.