Is my 3yr old normal????

[PiaThreeTimes]

Well, she's a month or short of being 3 years old.

People tell me it's just the terrible twos, but I'm thinking there might be more going on. I'm wondering if she has some sort of problem or special need.

DD is VERY demanding. She 'needs' constant entertaining and lately seems unable to play alone. She loves having stories read to her. This could go on all day. I think this is a lot to do with the fact that someone's entertaining her, rather than just a love of literature!

Today was hellish. From the minute she woke up it was a battle, which resulted in me crying before we'd even left the house. I promised to take her to the cinema to see Winnie the Pooh, which I did. She behaved. I then took her to the soft play centre which is next door - cue meltdown. It's a treat for her to go here, but instead of enjoying herself, she demanded I went into the play things with her (which is not allowed, of course). She moaned and whinged. She sat at the top of the slide and refused to move, so two little girls pushed her down (understandably!). The only time she perked up was when an adult member of staff went in and threw some balls around.

When it was time to leave, she threw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen. It was embarrassing, stressful...well, you know! I ended up carrying her down the road to the car. I then burst into tears and couldn't stop for about half an hour, I think.

Back at home, she just wanted to sit and suck her thumb (she'd had a nap in the car for about 45 mins beforehand, so I don't think she was tired) and have more stories read to her. No real play with toys at all.

In the bath this evening, I realised that I've actually bruised (red marks) under her arms, from carrying her in the street when she was struggling and hitting me, after the soft play. If I hadn't held he that tightly, she'd have been straight into a busy road, so I honestly had no choice. God, I feel awful though.

I just want to cry and cry and cry. I want to make her happy, and want her to feel secure, but it just seems to be one long round of shouting and crying these days. :( Nobody's happy.

I don't know what I'm asking. Does this sound like some sort of pyschological issue? She seems to get on well with other children and playgroup etc, although she is very physical and boisterous. She seems to get on better with boys, for some reason.

Phew - apologies for the LONG post!

Nothing that you have described sounds abnormal, although it may indicate either a certain lack of autonomy/feeling secure or perhaps just being a tad spoiled?

Has she always been like that? Never playing on her own? OTOH you say that she gets along with other kids so I guess she does play with them and doesn't ask you to be with her non stop?

Could you put her in nursery for a few mornings/afternoons a week, so you get a break? It sounds like it's really tough on you- I'm more worried about you than about here iyswim.

Sounds very normal to me, sorry! It won't do her any harm to get a bit , well, bored occasionally.

Will she entertain herself for a while, if you gave her some paper, glitter, glue and paints then you hide in the kitchen while she makes a mess? Or let her loose with some cutters and playdoh?

Sounds like you are driving yourself mad trying to entertain her all the time. My advice would be try less Sometimes she will be a whiny misery even with perfect waiting on by you.

Didn't want to leave your thread unanswered :) what happens when you leave her play on her own?

One thing I would try is get her settled doing something she likes then i would start by getting a kitchen timer and telling her that you will be back when the timer rings setting it for 1 or 2 mins initally then moving the timer on as she gets used to it.

What is she like when you ignore her tantrums etc?
Does she go to playgroup?

She sounds a little intense, but not abnormal, from what you have said in the OP.
Does she tire easily? - it sounds like she had a busy day, and I think that a lot of children would get overtired if the went to the cinema followed by softplay.

Thanks both. I feel absolutely drained and am such a failure.

I hope very much that she isn't spoiled, but I think I have been at her beck and call too much. She won't amuse herself for a few mins, unless she's watching telly (which I do limit).

She used to be better. But she seems to have lost interest in toys and just wants me or her dad to read stories to her all day long. Of course we've always encouraged her with books, but this is ridiculous.

I will try to ignore her more. It's really difficult though, because she just starts hitting me. I got to the point where I just growled at her this morning, like a ferocious dog! . I was so frustrated as she was being nasty and naughty on purpose, when I was just trying to get her ready to go to the cinema. I thought it would be a nice treat and that she'd like me again. :(

DD was like this. Without meaning to depress you, she is still very demanding, whinges all the time and only rarely ever entertains herself.

Thanks everyone for your replies. :)

She currently goes to pre-school playgroup on Mondays, and is with me (or DP) apart from that.

Perhaps cinema and then softplay was too much for her. She was just so full of energy, that I thought it would work. I was wrong.

No, she won't play with anything alone. Even in the garden on the trampoline, she wants me in there with her.

I love the egg timer idea. That's great. I'll do it.

If I ignore her tantrums, she finally calms down. When it happens at home, that's my tactic - make sure she's not in any danger and then leave her to it. Of course, if you're outside that isn't always possible, unfortunately.

I used to be such a happy person. It's all going wrong.

When I read this I thought this was more about you to be honest- that you sound really at the end of your tether and in need of some time out. She sounds a fairly typical nearly 3, and you sounds like a woman who needs to regroup.

Is she better if you have a friend over for her to play with? Can you organise people to come over more often? Do you get any time on your own to relax? have you got family or friends that dont mind coming over and giving her attention? Have you got a system for rewarding positive behaviour so you dont feel like all you are doing is shouting? I think there are lots of ways you can improve the situation for both of you, but you need to start with youself. It is hard being with a busy under 5 all the time, and very very easy to get into a negative cycle when they are at this tricky grumpy age. Also if she seems particularly bad at the moment it might be worth asking the GP to check her for ear infections and the like just in case she is brewing something which is affecting how she feels.

I definitely think that cinema followed by softplay is too much for such a young child. One or the other.

You didn't answer about nursery for few hours a week? Would be good for both of you.

You also sound like you've lost a bit of distance that's needed when dealing with little buggers- of course she likes you - accept that she'll have her tantrums, but don't give in. Her behaviour is not a reflection on how much she likes you.

She does like you!! What are your house rules for her? When she is rude she is more than likley doing it for 1 or 2 reasons, to get at you because she is cross or to get your attention ... at home if she is like this I would ignore as much as possible.

How old is your DD now, CoteDAzur? Are you coping well?

My DD has always been like this. As a baby she cried unless I was BF'ing her. I mean all the time, and full-on screaming crying. Doctors checked her over several times, but couldn't find anything wrong with her.

I see other children playing so nicely and confidently and I wonder where I'm going wrong.

What Cathpot said- you do sound absolutely exhausted. My DD is 27 months and being with her every day is soul-destroying. I love her more than life itself, but the monotony, the constant demands, no time to be alone etc are sooo tiring.

I've just put her in the nursery for 3 mornings a week and she loves it.

Sorry but this does sound very normal. My dd is now 4, and a very tiny bit better at entertaining herself, but definitely couldn't when she was your daughter's age.

There was/is no way she could cope with cinema and then soft play in one day. In fact, I very rarely go to those soft play places because the heat, stuffiness and general whipped up atmosphere is too much for my dd and I can't bear being dragged around. Also, having to shift gear from watching to doing very quickly ie cinema to soft play is definitely something that can tip her over the edge.

Also sounds like she could have been tired, maybe even coming down with something?

It doesn't sound like a psychological issue, more a personality/situation issue and tomorrow is another day.

Also does she go to playgroup? as this would give yo a much needed break. Other than ignoring what other behaviour managment startergies do you have?

*stratergies

I have a just-turned 4yo ds and a just-turned 2yo and they are both a bit like this. Hard, isn't it? :)

I've noticed that it's worse when they're tired - a film and soft-play would have been waaaay to much stimulation, in one day, for ds. He naps a minimum of an hour, often up to two on days where he's had an exciting outing. So despite the 45-min nap, she may still be tired?

Also, although I've never yet made this work for me , the advice I've been given is to set them off an activity by doing it with them for a bit, then telling her you've got to go do X. In fact with mine I'd tell them that was the plan in the first place.

Mostly what I do is try to get them involved with what I do. So rather than 'entertaining' them, it's "who wants to load the washing machine?" or "who wants to help me make scones?"

Agree though, you're sounding like you need a break. I mean this nicely, but - Why's one morning's tantrums with one kid upsetting you so? Are you getting enough sleep? The dc's crack me a LOT faster when I'm tired. Any way you can get a morning or even an hour off, to clear your head?

Thanks again for your replies.

Apart from DP, I don't have anyone to help. We moved here three weeks before DD was born, and as she was such a demanding baby, I haven't really made any friends. I know a few really nice people through toddler groups, but nobody who I could really talk to about anything other than children really. I know this is my fault though, and I should get out more. DP works nights a lot at short notice, so regular evening things can be a bit of a problem.

Family's all a long way away, and not very helpful really.

Sorry for not answering about nursery. She goes to pre-school playgroup one day a week, which is when I'm not there. She gets on fine, but was told-off for fighting with an older girl. In September, her hours will increase, so that should really help.

She loves having friends over to play, and I do try to encourage this as much as possible.

I do try to reward positive behaviour. The cinema trip was because she'd eaten all her dinner last night (a meal she's not keen on). This was a big treat. Usually it's more like something nice for 'afters', or similar.

I will continue to ignore the tantrums when possible. Thanks for that tip.

I will take her to the GP soon for a check-up and mention this.

Thanks again everyone. :)

Hi. I have twin girls almost 3 1/2. One is as good as gold the occassional cheekiness but the other one tantrums non stop, cant bare to be away from me needs, constant attention and is generally naughty but worse when she is tired or hungry so I try and read the signs and stop it before it escilates.

Not abnormal apparently I was exactly like her at 3 but its still draining. it was so bad today i had to get a family member to take them out for a few hours.

Thanks again - sorry I'm a bit slow at replying.

I need to slow it all down, by the sounds of things. I'm putting too much on her and expecting too much.

Yes, tomorrow's another day. We're heading to DP's parents tomorrow (which is stressful as they're very houseproud and don't like a lot of noise - ugh). It will be nice to have lunch cooked by someone else though!

Thanks very much again for all of your replies. Just seeing that someone's read my very long post and taken the time to reply is really wonderful - thank you. :)

Dd was like this up till age 4, she still has her moments but is loads better now.

I don't agree with terrible twos, more like terrible threes, I was on my knees with despair with her at times. I remember driving back from the supermarket crying my eyes out while she screamed and howled in the back, kicking my chair, it was awful and it happened more than once.,

It sounds normal to me - children of this young age do not yet have the emotional maturity to reign in knee-jerk responses to how they feel. One of my dds was very tantrumy as a toddler (more than the other two) and only really grew out of it properly about a year ago. But at the age of 7 there are no more signs of it. Don't worry - it will pass.

Poor you. I'm glad that things have improved.

Sorry, that was meant for farkthat

One more thing is that she needs a set of rules that she needs to follow and sutable concequences when she doesn't ... she also need rewards and praise that is instant and in proportion to what she has done.. It also needs to be specfic so instead of just good girl... good girl you ate you dinner, played on your own etc as she will know and learn what she has done right.. Sorry if this sounds patronising I didn't meen to .. ask your GP if there is a Webbster Stratton incredible years parenting programme in your area as this would help

I don't honestly think I can last much longer with this though. The thought of this going on for years is truly unbearable.

Anyway, enough of my wallowing. I'll going to make sure she's not tired out, buy and egg-timer and enforce some time alone for her, and will involve her more in the activities that I need to do (but never can because I'm stuck reading stories all day!)