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Original poster

Is my 3yr old normal????

45 replies

PiaThreeTimes · 30/04/2011 20:05

Well, she's a month or short of being 3 years old.

People tell me it's just the terrible twos, but I'm thinking there might be more going on. I'm wondering if she has some sort of problem or special need.

DD is VERY demanding. She 'needs' constant entertaining and lately seems unable to play alone. She loves having stories read to her. This could go on all day. I think this is a lot to do with the fact that someone's entertaining her, rather than just a love of literature! Grin

Today was hellish. From the minute she woke up it was a battle, which resulted in me crying before we'd even left the house. I promised to take her to the cinema to see Winnie the Pooh, which I did. She behaved. I then took her to the soft play centre which is next door - cue meltdown. It's a treat for her to go here, but instead of enjoying herself, she demanded I went into the play things with her (which is not allowed, of course). She moaned and whinged. She sat at the top of the slide and refused to move, so two little girls pushed her down (understandably!). The only time she perked up was when an adult member of staff went in and threw some balls around.

When it was time to leave, she threw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen. It was embarrassing, stressful...well, you know! I ended up carrying her down the road to the car. I then burst into tears and couldn't stop for about half an hour, I think.

Back at home, she just wanted to sit and suck her thumb (she'd had a nap in the car for about 45 mins beforehand, so I don't think she was tired) and have more stories read to her. No real play with toys at all.

In the bath this evening, I realised that I've actually bruised (red marks) under her arms, from carrying her in the street when she was struggling and hitting me, after the soft play. If I hadn't held he that tightly, she'd have been straight into a busy road, so I honestly had no choice. God, I feel awful though.

I just want to cry and cry and cry. I want to make her happy, and want her to feel secure, but it just seems to be one long round of shouting and crying these days. :( Nobody's happy.

I don't know what I'm asking. Does this sound like some sort of pyschological issue? She seems to get on well with other children and playgroup etc, although she is very physical and boisterous. She seems to get on better with boys, for some reason.

Phew - apologies for the LONG post!

OP posts:
Original poster
PiaThreeTimes · 30/04/2011 20:50

Thanks poptying1. I do try to be specific, but will try harder with that.

I've never heard of Webbster Stratton, but will look into that. Thanks for the tip.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 30/04/2011 20:54

My DD is now 5.7. For the most part, she is sweet, gentle, and lovely but demands constant attention. Every sentence starts with "Mummy!" and usually continues with "Play with me" or "I can't do this, help me". And she talks All The Time. It's exhausting.

My only hope is that she is learning to read and soon (hopefully) she will be able to lose herself in a book and leave me alone for a little bit in the day.

I don't think parenting had much to do with this. It is her character. We have a DS (2) and he is the exact opposite - independent, happy to discover things & play on his own, generally content all the time.

winnybella · 30/04/2011 20:55

Did you try involving her in housework/gardening etc? Because my DD loves loading the machine or helping me hoover, for example.

I also don't let her sit in front of tv all the time, but tbh 2 sessions a day of 30 minutes of age-appropriate tv is not bad for them and lets you have a bit of time for yourself.

Great that she'll have get more time in nursery/playgroup from September- only a few more months! Hang in there and don't feel guilty-it really is tough for everyone, I think.

electra · 30/04/2011 20:57

I think that my dd was particularly tantrummy tbh! She has an older sister with ASD who had people working with her in the house all the time and I think she felt the need to compete for attention.

What you describe, my friends have all been through with their kids. At nearly 3 your dd is still so young. At the moment it seems like she will never change but she will. I think for a not 3 year old to sit through a whole film is very good actually. The other thing to remember (unless of course she is very articulate for her age). Is that she probably doesn't yet have sophisticated enough language to tell you how she feels, hence the behaviour at times.

poptyping1 · 30/04/2011 20:58

aticles taken from the website which may be of use.. the parents incredible years book will defo help

poptyping1 · 30/04/2011 21:02

www.incredibleyears.com/ParentResources/index.asp

Original poster
PiaThreeTimes · 30/04/2011 21:03

Thanks so much for your support winny and everyone else too of course. It's very much appreciated. Yes, roll on September!

We do bits of housework and gardening, but she gets into such a state when I ask her not to do something (weeding was a disaster) that it just turns into a big ordeal. I will try harder with this though. She has a little toy hoover, which she hardly notices. I'll try to encourage her with it.

CoteDAzur, your DD sounds very much like mine: "Mummy will you play with me/help me" etc, and the CONSTANT talking! When she doesn't have anything to say, she just says "Mummy, errr, nothing...Mummy..." you get the picture.

That's great, thanks poptyping1. I'll have a good look at that.

BTW, we're also having trouble with her teenage sister (big age gap, don't ask!), so that's taking its toll on us, although 3 year old DD is oblivious to it all.

Thanks again, everyone. :)

OP posts:
poptyping1 · 30/04/2011 21:07

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304193799&sr=8-1

this book is worth buying

Original poster
PiaThreeTimes · 30/04/2011 21:07

electra, I have a friend who's eldest DD has ASD and her younger DD tantrums to compete too. It must be very tough on you. I hope you're ok.

I think you're right about articulating. She's started to ask me and DP "Are you happy/sad/cross?" a lot, and I think she's trying to work out if she's being a 'good girl' because she'll ask it at times when she's starting to play-up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiaThreeTimes · 30/04/2011 21:10

Thanks again for all the links, poptyping1. It looks really interesting. I need to get to grips with this before I miss fun of having a small child. It's passing me by at the moment!

OP posts:
Parietal · 30/04/2011 21:18

One thing that might help a bit - my DD age 3 also loves books and stories and talks all the time. So I started encouraging her to tell her own stories. I start off "once upon a time there was a little girl who went to a castle and she met a ..." and she will continue with all sorts of animals and adventures and parties. She needs prompting but it is much less tiring to just prompt a bit, and let her act out the story with toys than to have to read books all day.

Hope that helps.

suebfg · 30/04/2011 21:22

My son is 3 and an only child. He needs pretty much constant entertaining too but I think that may be because I have given in to him too much in the past i.e. stopping what I'm doing to read a book to him for example. The upside is that he has a fantastic vocabulary and knows so much as he's had so much time spent with him.

wheresmytractor · 30/04/2011 21:26

Just wanted to say you are not alone, i know how you feel! My eldest son is slow to adjust to things, can get quite anxious and is very demanding of attention ALL the time. I set up a game, he gets frustrated and wrecks it. I set up stuff in the garden, it lasts 5 minutes. He regularly gets frustrated and hits me, either in anger or to just see if he will end up on the step (time out). He constantly has to test me, push me and is very verbal and demanding, he has just turned 3 and tries to argue his way out of everything! Its exhausting isn't it? I am now 25 weeks pregnant with number 3 and practically on my knees. I am finding that firm boundries and very clear expectations of the day are working. For example, Mummy will make cakes with you now, and that will be fun, but then mummy is busy for 20 minutes and you will need to look at your books or play with your garage. If you can't do that i'll put the cakes away till later... you get the picture. Hope that helps. Just remember it will pass and get better - it has to eventually!

Good luck x

missmyoldname · 30/04/2011 21:29

OP she sounds very like my DD was at that age.
My DD was 'high maintenance' as a baby right up to 3.5yo. As a baby, she would be the only one crying constantly at baby group/clinic, and as a toddler I used to marvel at my friends DCs who would play nicely on their own and draw and look at books for ages.

My DD wanted my constant attention ALL the time. She rarely picked a toy up, wanting to be by my side chatting 24/7. I swear the summer she turned 3 when there was no pre-school/playgroup respite and DS was a newborn, nearly did me in. I was in tears a good few times every day!

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My DD is nearly 5 now, and she plays in her room sometimes for up to an hour on her own, and will spend ages drawing and painting. It helps having DS to entertain her as well, but she does like her own space too.

Hang in there. Try to set some boundaries re. the amount of 'entertaining' you are prepared to do! One main activity a day, some scheduled 1:1 time, but also make it clear that for some time every day you are to have some peace whilst she does something on her own. Good luck!

SmethwickBelle · 30/04/2011 21:30

I'd say it could have more to do with her personality than your parenting - DS1 was this intense at times, his terrible twos were dreadful, his tantrums required his physical removal...needed constant stimulation. Whereas DS2 would rather I went away and left him to play with an old coaster under the table.

At nearly 4 DS1 still gets clingy at times (e.g. he often won't sit and do colouring in but LOVES to watch ME colour in Confused ) but he's loads better at initiating play and reading social cues of a group, joining in with a group activity and so on. I get complimented on his manners which is hilarious when I think of the ding dongs he used to have.

So go easy on yourself and hang in there.

Wigeon · 30/04/2011 21:42

You've had loads of really good advice here, but just wanted to add that it doesn't sound that unusual to me and definitely doesn't sound like a behavioural problem or anything like that. My DD is 2 yrs 9 mths and has an insatiable appetite for adult attention - and the more you give her the more she wants.

I think it really helps if you change your expectations from "why is this child constantly talking / bothering me / wanting me to play with her / why won't she leave me alone for 30 seconds while I clean my teeth" to "she's 2 (or 3), she is desperate to learn things, she loves being with me, she has just discovered the joy of constant conversation, this is just what she needs to be doing in order to learn". I totally appreciate that it can still be exhausting if you have the kind of day where she hasn't stopped talking or wanting you to play the whole time, but at least you aren't feeling like the whole world is against you.

I work part time and look after her the rest of the time and also found it really helped when I stopped getting frustrated that caring for her was stopping me doing something else, and decided that my "job", on days I am with her, is to look after her, not "achieve" a whole load of things to do with the house etc. So it's fine if we spend an hour getting up because we have been pretending we are on a train in our pyjamas, and then it's fine if it takes 30 minutes to do the 10 min walk to playgroup because we are looking at every single garden gate on the way. And so on.

Finally, does she have a rest or nap still? We thought my DD was dropping her lunchtime nap, so we now put her down in her room, with the curtains closed, and a story CD playing quietly, and amazingly she stays quietly in there for the hour that the CD is playing. Sometimes she wants us to make a little den on the floor with her duvet and she snuggles there with books and cuddly toys. And just recently she has started napping again (in her dens, not her bed!), after weeks of almost no naps. If you aren't doing rests / naps anymore, it might be just what you need for both your sanity and hers.

I think if you try to embrace the attention she wants, you might find that you are both happier. You wouldn't be "giving in", you would be making life much more pleasant for you both, and she would probably thrive on it.

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