Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

O/H insists on Forcing my Toddler to eat :(

35 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 23/04/2011 13:04

OK, so my LO is generally a good boy (does have killer tantrums & bouts of aggression but hey, he's 2) but has become a bit of a fussy eater since he turned 1.5...

My husband is ADAMANT that the "tough love" approach of forcing him to eat by telling him off / sitting there for hours, using bribes & threats if he won't eat & the naughty corner as a last resort is the way forward. I HATE this & can see it leading to eating disorders etc. He says I'm undermining him if I don't support his methods.

What do other mums think???

OP posts:

IslaValargeone · 23/04/2011 13:15

I would never dream of using this approach over food.
You'll end up with an anorexic or obese child going down that route."Tough love" at 2 years old over eating. FFS your oh needs to get a grip, he sounds like a bully.

HerBEggs · 23/04/2011 13:16

Your OH is an absolute idiot.

Whre the hell has he been for the last 30 years. Everyone knows this is the way to ensure that children have eating disorders, food issues etc.

Tell your HV about it and get her to talk to him or if that isn't possible, to give you some info about the right way to treat toddlers and food so that you can show your OH.

His methods are simply wrong. He's making food a battleground, that is such a stupid thing to do as well as being upsetting and frustrating for all 3 of you.

You should be undermining him because waht he's doing is beyond stupid tbh.

HerBEggs · 23/04/2011 13:20

Why does he think that he's got the right to not be undermined himself, but he does have the right to undermine you when you say you HATE this?

Katy1368 · 23/04/2011 13:20

No no no I really think this approach is fraught with dangers - the best approach I have found is just shrugging my shoulders, removing the meal and not providing an alternative. 5 mins later I will get " mummy lunch" because she realises that she won't get snacks as a replacement. Your OH will turn this into a major issue and some toddlers can be very stubborn. I know it is difficult to negotiate this with your OH as he clearly has his views but do try.

QuintEggSentialPaints · 23/04/2011 13:21

Your dh sounds like a bully.

KatieMiddleton · 23/04/2011 13:23

Agree with Isla. There is no benefit in this approach. Many toddlers are fussy. It is a phase many of them go through and I approach it with from the viewpoint that forcing a child is worse than a child going without. However, your dh is not going to stop because some women on the Internet say it's potentially damaging if he's not listening to you, the child's mother.

I expect some clever person will be along in a bit to recommend some books/articles he could read to see proof of what you say.

I am curious as to how your relationship evolved to a situation where you must support his parenting decision but he can disregard your wishes?

coccyx · 23/04/2011 13:25

your OH sounds awful. who is he that he can't be challenged??

floradora · 23/04/2011 15:14

My parents used this approach - forcing me to eat, making me sit at the table for ours, spanking me at times. I wet the bed until I was about 11 - it became a total battle of wills and made me completely furious that no-one listened to me or understood what i wanted . Try to explain to DH you can't force a toddler, making it a battle is so totally counterproductive and it will do you as much harm as it does your DS

moondog · 23/04/2011 15:18

It's sickening to think of people doing this with children.
Storing up sooo many weird food issues for the future.

Leave him be to eat or not as he wants. He won't starve. Just don't pander with alternative and snacks.

With my kids they have (or don't have)0 what is on offer but there are no alternatives and i have never had cause to battle with them about it.

RitaMorgan · 23/04/2011 15:18

I wouldn't allow someone to bully my child like that, how horrible!

How would your husband feel if someone forced him to eat things he didn't like, or eat when he wasn't hungry?

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 15:21

What HerBEggs said.

Who made him the King Of All The Rules in your house?!?!

gorionine · 23/04/2011 15:22

I agree with everybody, very wrong to force him, it is going to cause issues with food for sure.

Janoschi · 23/04/2011 15:24

I had a similar experience to Floradora. Being forced to eat by my mother. Screamed at, hit.... it's horrible and I became a very thin, sickly child until mid teens. I also wet the bed, though out of stress, not rebellion.

Your OP might well be making one hell of a rod for your backs if he carries on like this!

MILMania · 23/04/2011 15:28

This approach is so wrong. It can only cause harm - whether that is food phobias or some other manifestation of anxiety.

Your DS is two. He is tiny. It is especially wrong to be so strict with such a young child, who I am assuming is barely verbal? It is just not on to be creating a big issue like this around food.

It is possible to be firm with children about food without resorting to being cruel. For example, you could offer him a healthy meal you think is acceptable and if he doesn't eat it, there is nothing else. That is sending the same firm message, but without the forceful and nasty elements.

Blu · 23/04/2011 15:30

This is a completely inappropriate way to treat a 2yo over anything, and a child of any age re food and eating. Sickening and cruel.

There is LOADS of scientific evidence to demonstrate that 2 year olds become far more suspicious of food, especially fruit and veg. Tell your DH it is inbuilt instinct and developed because fruit and veg are much more likely to be poisonous than other foods - so it's an evolutionary defence mechanism. He will enter a new phase eventually and become more adventurous and eat a wider range of foods. My DS ate all sorts until about 1 to 1.5, then, just like yoursm started refusing many foods. Since he has been about 4 he has eatne almost anything - but certain fruits and veg are still firmly off liits. It isn't the end of the world. Tel your DH that this stage of refusal is nORMAL and TEMPORARY.

I don't quite know how anyone can BE that horrible to a 2 yo, it must be very distressing. You need to find a way to do more than undermine this horrible behaviour!

colditz · 23/04/2011 15:33

Undermine him. Refuse to comply. You can't leave a child on the naughty corner if his mother picks him up and takes him out. You can't leave a child sat at the table if his mother gets him down and gets the playdoh out. Tell him you are undermining him because you don't support his unhealthy attitude to toddler eating habits.

HerBEggs · 23/04/2011 15:46

"Tel your DH that this stage of refusal is nORMAL and TEMPORARY."

The thing is, though, it won't be temporary if the OP's LO insists on responding to it the way he is doing. That's the irony of it - he's actually making a problem where there isn't one and it's a problem that could go on for years, all of his own making.

There are so many real battles to fight, dn't waste time creating new ones you don't need to.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2011 17:30

My mother did this to me all through my childhood.
I'm still fussy.
And I've never forgotten sitting at the table heaving and sobbing being made to eat food I hated.

Make him understand the damage he could be doing.

Gemtubbs · 23/04/2011 18:11

My little boy, now 3, went through a phase of not eating things. I just said ok, and calmly removed his meal and let him go play or whatever. I didn't offer him any thing else and eventually he grew out of this phase and now eats pretty much anything you put in front of him. My mum also made me sit there for hours and shouted at me to try and get me to eat my dinners as a child. I would get so anxious about meal times that I would feel sick and even less likely to eat the dinner. I also wet the bed until I was about 8, and was quite skinny until I was about 11 when my mum had backed off and I was able to eat and try new things at my own pace. It's not a good way of going about things I don't think.

ednurse · 23/04/2011 18:15

I still remember my nan shoving a forkful of broccoli into my mouth as a child...its my earliest memory.

I love broccoli now though.

Bucharest · 23/04/2011 18:16

Agree with everyone else.

Your other half is clueless, really really stupidly clueless. Tell him I said so.

Allegrogirl · 23/04/2011 18:25

My parents forced me to sit at the table and eat. I hated it and was utterly miserable. I have food issues. I can't regulate my appetite and it is impossible to leave food on my plate. I've had a weight problem since aged 8/9.

To be fair to my parents they had strict parents themselves and grew up with rationing. They thought they were doing the right thing. They totally relaxed with my DB as they couldn't face the battles again. He is tall and skinny nad only eats when hungry.

What your DH is doing is so wrong.

bamboobutton · 23/04/2011 18:30

i feel so sad thinking of this poor 2yo sat at the table for hours on end.

your dh is an idiotic, ignorant, bullying arse.

mrsravelstein · 23/04/2011 18:38

nannyogg, mine did too, and has tried it on a bit with my 3dc for some bizarre reason...

SilveryMoon · 23/04/2011 18:40

My parents used this approach with me and I have food issues. I'm not anorexic or anything, quite the opposite. I am a compulsive eater but of crap. I will eat dinner with or without my family now but will then shut myself in the kitchen to eat what I want to eat. I even get up in the night to pig ut on chocolate/crisps/bread, whatever is there.

I have a 2yo ds who is in a phase of refusing to eat. I do get worried and especially if we've had a bad day I find myself shouting , but I really don't think it is the way to go.
I much prefer putting the dinner on the table, him yelling "No want dinner!!!!!!" and throwing a tantrum whilst I eat and ignore him.
The way I see it, I've done my bit, I've cooked dinner, I've put it on the table, I've asked him to sit down with us all and from there it is his choice. Sometimes both boys get a cake or biscuit if they eat it nicely (staying at table, using fork etc) but they don't get anything if they don't eat it.

I know this sounds really awful, but there have been a few times where I have told dp that I want our ds's behaviour to be tackled in a certain way and that I won't have him doing anything other than what I am happy with I know that is awful, but it is for key things that I feel will create lifetime issues, like eating, or when the boys cry, he yells at them to stop crying, to stop being silly and so on, where I think it's important that they feel able to express emotions and feel safe and still loved whilst they do that. Does that make sense?
We are here to teach, shouting as firsst response is just not good enough IMO (although I have done nothing but shout these past few days )

Flip

1 2