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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to 'discipline' a 16 month old?

35 replies

PartialToACupOfMilo · 21/04/2011 20:30

My dd is 16 months old and is proving to be a very vocal and active child (which I actually love). Most of the time she is into everything and wants to help me with whatever I'm doing. A couple of days ago we planted some flowers in containers in the garden and she really loved it, got all messy and covered in dirt, watered the flowers - it was great. But now she keeps on getting handfuls of soils out of the containers and throwing it around the decking. Today she even pulled one of the plants out, I looked at her said no and she looked as though she knew she's done something wrong for a split second before pulling the soil off the roots of the plant and throwing that around. I've been saying 'no' in a firm voice and if she repeats the behaviour, taking her inside the house and sitting her on the carpet saying ' we do not take the soil out of the pots' and walking away from her, but it doesn't seem to be having any effect. I also bought her a trolley with sand in this afternoon to try and distract her but she just started throwing around the sand instead. What am I doing wrong?
PS we're in a terraced house with decking up the side return - this is where the pots are, so she walks past them whenever she goes into the garden and we can't really move them at the moment as dh is currently laying turf outside. I want her to be outside when it's nice weather too as I want her to get some fresh air. What do I do???? [buconfused]

OP posts:

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everyspring · 21/04/2011 20:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrspedro · 21/04/2011 20:45

Oh sorry but I find this quite funny :)
No way my 16mo would leave a plant alone...he's learnt not to eat it but couldn't resist playing with it (think my 4yo would but the 2yr old would be right in there too )

MrsJamin · 21/04/2011 20:49

I think given she "helped" you plant the plants in the first place it's a bit confusing for her to realise she's no longer allowed to touch them. Distract, remove the objects, or realise you're going to have to keep saying "no" "NO" "No we don't touch those" a million times.

girliefriend · 21/04/2011 20:49

I think what you are doing sounds about right, say no firmly and physically remove her until she gets the message!!! Agree with above posts that its useful if you can say no but here is an area that you can play in iyswim?!

monkoray · 21/04/2011 21:48

You need to think whether this is really a battle you want to make a big deal about. I trend to agree with mrsj that as she helped you plant them you've kinda given her permission to play and now you are taking that away.
But if you are really determined that this is something you do not want her to stop doing you could try time outs. We did this with our ds (who sounds really similar to your dd) from about 14 months. If he did something we considered really naughty, for us this was hitting, kicking or touching laptops, we'd put him on the bottom step of the stairs and shut him out of the livingroom for one minute. We had to do it about 3 times before he understood that that was what happened if he did x. After that he really stopped doing what ever our was. It was very effective. But we really limited it to when we consider something to be really naughty/dangerous/really bloody expensive to fix, so as I said do you really think this is something you care deeply about, or is it just a bit annoying.

Original poster

PartialToACupOfMilo · 21/04/2011 22:29

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I kind of did give her permission to play with them, but from my (adult) point of view we have spent much more time telling her to not touch them, than it took to plant them (and inadvertantly giving her permission to touch them at the same time...) toddlers are tough!

Moving the pots is difficult at the moment because of the turf being laid, as is finding somewhere else to play. I guess I'm going to just continue with saying 'no' and removing from the situation. We did also shut the door to the garden at one point this afternoon so I guess that's a bit like shutting her out of the living room like monkoray mentions. Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon and she'll find something else to destroy play with. Or the weather will worsen...

MrsJ - the 'we don't don't touch those' made me laugh (which I guess means it's not an issue we really want pursue with dd). Dd only has a handful of words - tickle, mummy, dada, up, but she does say very clearly 'don't do that' while shaking her head and continuing with whatever she's been doing

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 21/04/2011 22:34

you aren't doing anything wrong. She is being a normal 16 month old. DS2 is 14.5 months and is a total bugger and into everything. After a bit of chaos, it is always time for his play pen or high chair with Baby Einsteins on the DVD. This OMO is the worst age. Loads of fun, but chaotic

MeantToStopAtTwo · 21/04/2011 22:37

I too think that's a lot to expect of a 16 month-old. Most haven't developed the necessary impulse control by that age to resist the temptation to touch and they are too young to understand a verbal explanation of how the plants need to be left alone to grow, etc.

It's a shame but you may just have to abandon the idea of growing plants for this year if there is truly nowhere you can put them so they're out of her sight (or at least where she can't get at them). No doubt it's an activity she'll love and gain masses from in future years though.

Sorry not to be more helpful.

AngelDog · 21/04/2011 23:05

Most toddlers find it hard when you tell them not to do something - they don't process the 'not' and just hear the thing you're telling them about, so it can sound like you're telling them to gp and do the thing you actually want them to stop doing IYSWIM. So I tell my 15 m.o. DS to 'leave the books on the shelf' rather than 'don't take the books out'.

Phrasing what you want them to do positively is a better long term strategy, although I'd agree with everyone above that it's unlikely to change her behaviour in the short term.

It's hard for them to understand that rules don't apply consistently across situations. DS is used to the fact that the freezer door should stay closed (he used to try to open it) but he now gets cross if I have to get something out of it, and tries to shut the door on me.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 22/04/2011 00:09

I agree with others that this is asking a lot of such a young baby.

Personally i would remove them/the situation.

I don't use the "firm no no no" thing. It drives me mad. I would never speak to anybody else like that and wouldn't want ds turning round and saying it to me or anyone else.

There is no way i would use time out at this age. They are far too young to understand about consequences and why they have temporarily lost your love (as they see it). Iirc even the psychologist who came up with time out discarded it as an idea.

It's easier, and fairer to remove the child/situation while explaining what's going on, than to expect to have a positive impact on such a young ones behaviour through "discipline" (by which i take it you mean punishment)

Try and imagine what every you do coming back at you...would you be happy?

BeeBopBunny · 22/04/2011 10:16

Sounds just like my DD (16mo). We don't do time outs - it would never have occurred to me to do that to someone so young. We saw 'no' firmly and distract her. This can result in mini tantrums, but I can usually find something to distract her with that is sufficiently interesting to obviate any serious tears! Like your little one, mine is very vocal and active. Can make us a ittle conspicuous int he supermarket etc but great fun at home!

MillsAndDoom · 22/04/2011 10:21

A 16mo throwing mud and sand around sounds perfectly normal behaviour IMO. If you really don't want her doing it then you need to move them where she can't see them. You allowed her to play in the first place so in her eyes she wants to have the same great fun all over again.

pommedechocolat · 22/04/2011 10:23

I have some similar things with my 13 month old. I either stop her getting to the things she is destroying little by little by moving them or locking a door.
I offer her an alternative toy.

If she has a tantrum about not able to do dangerous/house wrecking activity I have started to just ignore her or leave her to it.

'No' doesn't work yet it would seem.

QuickLookBusy · 22/04/2011 10:32

I'm sorry but "time out" for a 14month old???

I thought time outs were for older children not babies.

OP as she helped you plant the flowers, and she loved doing it she just wants to do it again

Could she have a littel sand pit outside or, my DDs used to love playing with a teaset at that age. Just put some water in the teapot- they love making cups of tea for teddies, dolls etc. You just have to be on hand to keep refilling the teapot. She'll forget about the flowers in no time.

MrsJamin · 24/04/2011 10:07

Moonfacemamaargh you're talking rubbish. You can't just remove children from situations toavoid saying No. What is wrong with showing where the boundaries are? As soon as they are 12 months they will get a sense of what it means. 14 month DS2 will shake his head at things he's not allowed to touch (like the fire place). How ridiculous to only say things to your children which you would like said back to you. You're the parent!

Laquitar · 24/04/2011 10:18

You are not doing anything wrong. This age is difficult.

When you tell her 'we don't do this', can you add 'but we do this instead' ? i.e. give her a small water can and show her how we water the flowers, touch them, smell them etc....

nethunsreject · 24/04/2011 10:20

She's far too young for 'time out' fgs!

She thinks the soil is a play thing because she got to play with it. Move the pots!

ScroobiousPip · 24/04/2011 10:22

Agree this is perfectly normal and also that you are expecting too much. You taught her that gardening was fun and now, for no logical reason as far as she can see, you want her to stop.

Instead of focussing on stopping her, why not give her a section of garden or a container or two of soil that is hers to do what she wants with? Tell her that this it is her garden and if she tries to dig elsewhere, take her back to her bit and remind her that it is hers. But don't expect it to work every time - her memory just isn't up to it yet - so be patient.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 24/04/2011 15:34

well mrsjamin, i hope you don't get too much of a shock when your lo's tell you you are "talking rubbish" or something equally rude.

Kids learn by example.

I don't speak to ds in a way i wouldn't want him to speak to another person.

I think we have differing ideas on acceptable way to speak to people.

HansieMom · 25/04/2011 02:07

I think the best thing to do is distract her.

I'm unsure of what a trolley is. But I'm sure she would delight in a sand and water table. My grandchildren love theirs. One side holds water and one side holds sand, but not for long! If you don't have much room, these are great. I bought one for my oldest grandson when he was ten months old as they only had a small patio. You can check them out on Amazon, or google and try to get free shipping.

MrsJamin · 25/04/2011 14:43

Moonfacemamaargh you have to say "no" to children when it means that they may hurt themselves or other people. Babies won't understand the threat of danger if you just say in a nice way "darling rupert we don't stick our fingers in the fireplace, do we?!". If I was just about to do something dangerous I would want someone else to stop me quickly too.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 25/04/2011 19:30

That is why we have things like fireguards/stair gates etc.

Or we move them out of the way.

DO you mean to say that you expect the word no to stop a child doing something you know is dangerous?

You can still have a tone that grabs a childs attention while you explain WHY we don't touch fires while moving them away (or putting up the fire guard maybe)

It's the use of the word no as some sort of tool of power that I don't like.

I say no, so no... that sort of thing.

Rather than providing a distraction/removing from danger/explaining fully and discussing (as age/situation appropriate)

It's just bad manners to bark orders at people. And children are people.

celadon · 25/04/2011 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 25/04/2011 19:48

Celadon I guess you are asking the op...but I also used the word discipline in inverted commas and am happy to explain why if you don't mind

It's because discipline, as a euphamism for punishment, is a relitively recent usage for a word that is more to do with learning, (as in disciple/academic disciplines etc)

celadon · 25/04/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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