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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I need MN like never before.

63 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 19/04/2011 17:47

I have to post and run as my cat is due at the vet and this will be long but need to tell you everything. If you know me in RL please don't out me but send me a PM.

My son is a surviving twin after I lost his twin while pregnant. He had cranial osteopath treatment and was told by the man things he couldn't have known if he wasn't getting them from DS. He had shut his body down and wasn't hearing/reacting to noise due to the stress of losing his twin and the birth which was also traumatic.

DS has issues, he is very loving and likes to be close physically, sits near me always touching/stroking me arm for example. He doesn't yet understand about personal space but we are working in that.

He has had several hearing tests, some failed, some passed.

He has just had treatment from a different osteopath who sensed a closedness about him and a sadness. Physically there are issues but he will be fine as he grows. I will be talking to her in 2 weeks about taking him back.

His siblings know he had a twin but we haven't told ds2 yet. He is 5 and he is emotional and tbh I think he wouldn't understand and he would be really sad. He cried when he heard I had had a needle in my back to have ds1 and also when I told him I had fallen over. I thought I was giving them a laugh. He is very affectionate, emotional and caring. The osteopath said I need to tell him, and we will, but when and how? DH and I feel he is too young, it is too soon.

Any advice at all would be great.

Back later after the vet trip, hopefully with my cat.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BlueberryPancake · 19/04/2011 18:14

I think that you will feel it when the time is right. If you have doubts now, dont do it now. Give yourself (and him) another 6 months. Could you try asking this question on the twins/triplet board, maybe for opinion from people who might have had similar experience?

mamaz0n · 19/04/2011 18:20

Sorry but i don't really understand your post.

Your sons osteopath has said that your son is shutting his body/hearing down because of the trauma of losing his twin. and yet you say he doesn't yet know he was a twin?

Im sorry you will have to clarify. But no i don't think that a 5 year old nees to be sat down and given an in dept discussion about a partial miscarriage.

notrightnow · 19/04/2011 18:28

I know absolutely nothing about this issue, but having been involved with a family where 'secrets' came out later in life, I think it would be devastating to discover this at an age where one could 'understand'.

I'm sure your osteopaths are lovely people, but I really think you should get some professional advice on how to broach this subject with your son.

Very :( for you, and your little boy.

deemented · 19/04/2011 18:32

Hi Fab,

My DS2 is a single twin. His elder brother died shortly after they were born. TBH i never made a concious decision to tell him about C, but i've never hid it from him either. He's 6 and a half now, and knows that he had a twin brother called C, and that C was very ill when they were in my tummy and that when they were born C's body was too ill to make itself better and he died.

Your DS sounds much like mine, he;s very affectionate, and likes to be near me, or touching me at all times - i've never really seen it as a problem tbh.

I do often wonder if DS2 actively misses C, he does seem lonely sometimes, but he is a happy and pleasant little boy and it's not been too much of an issue.

I bought a really good book which explains death very well to young children and is age appropriate called 'When Dinosaurs Die' by Laurie Kransy Brown - i'd highly reccomend it.

What i would say is this - you know your son best. If you feel that it's in his best interest to know, then you'll find a way of telling him. Just don't be co-erced into it by anyone.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 19/04/2011 19:02

His body isn't shutting down now, this was when he was a newborn but the affects are still with him now.

It isn't the right time now, it has just upset me that I realise we will have to deal with it at some point. As usual I want to be in denial.

I hadn't even realised there was a twins/triplets topic.

Thank you.

OP posts:

coogar · 20/04/2011 12:09

Not sure an osteopath can be so precise on emotional or mental health issues. Find this a bit strange tbh My ds has had cranial osteopathy and they only ever talked about the physical effects of stress/behaviour.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 13:02

And there is the negative post I was expecting. You are entitled to your opinion but they got things from my son they could not possibly have known as only 2 people in the world knew.

OP posts:

dickcheeseandthecrackers · 20/04/2011 13:21

He had shut his body down and wasn't hearing/reacting to noise due to the stress of losing his twin and the birth which was also traumatic.

I don't think an osteopath can get to this conclusion either. It sounds like your son is very sensitive. So is my DD btw, and she hasn't had any loss in her life.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 13:29

With respect, I am not bothered if people don't believe me. I know what my son and I have been through and fyi it was a cranial osteopath who treated my son.

OP posts:

NormanTebbit · 20/04/2011 13:32

Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings over the loss of your baby?

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 13:33

Just my husband.

OP posts:

NormanTebbit · 20/04/2011 13:37

I'm wondering whether it might be helpful to your son if you are able to see a counsellor to work through your feelings about what must have been a traumatic experience for you and your husband.

frakyouveryverymuch · 20/04/2011 13:40

I'm a surviving twin - feel free to message me as I don't want a lot of what I could say on a public board as people will probably think I'm crazy.

All I will say is that on done level I'm sure your son knows and it probably wouldn't come as a shock to him.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 13:54

I think I am still in shock tbh.

Plus my dd and ds have physical issues.

I wonder what is coming next. I am fed up of coping.

OP posts:

NormanTebbit · 20/04/2011 14:35

Perhaps you could consider a visit to your GP, discuss your concerns for your son etc and ask if some sort of counselling is available for you. It might help just to talk it all through.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 14:38

My GP dismissed the CO so would have to think about seeing someone else. I have never really considered counselling for the loss of my babies as it seemed a bit pathetic that I can't just get over it. We have had worse issues with the children we have got but it still feels like there is something missing.

OP posts:

elmofan · 20/04/2011 15:23

I think he is too young to understand yet fab

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 16:00

Me too elmofan.

OP posts:

sleepingsowell · 20/04/2011 17:06

I think you are projecting alot of complex, adult feelings on to your DS. Tell him about his twin. He will accept it in a simple, childlike way and he needs to know now so that throughout his childhood he can process it with the knowledge and development that each stage of childhood brings.
If you don't tell him, when you eventually DO tell him, it will assume greater importance and anxiety than he would naturally give it.
For him, it is simply a fact of his life. You are the one for whom it is and has been devastating and complex.
I really think you should have some counselling so that you are able to seperate your own feelings on this from your DS's development.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 17:40

I disagree but then I know my son and you don't and it isn't the right time to tell him.

OP posts:

BarbaraBar · 20/04/2011 17:43

If you don't think this is the right time then don't tell him yet. Once you've told him you can't untell him, IYKWIM.

You are his mother, you know him best.

Do you think SANDS might help and give you some advice?

Northernlurker · 20/04/2011 17:44

Now may not be the right time for you to tell him but he isn't too young to know. Tbh I think you should never ever have hidden this and I would start talking about it now in a very matter of fact way. However if you feel you can't do that then I think that's actually more to do with you and your reaction to your loss. That's a whole other kettle of fish and you don't have to face it if you don't want to but if you don't you will carry on struggling with the issue of your ds.

Artichokes · 20/04/2011 17:48

How far into your pregnancy did you lose his twin?

I do think there is merit in telling children the truth from early on. Keeping it secret and then having a big talk suggests to him it's a huge deal that you expect him to handle badly. However, it's a bit late to give that advice as you haven't told him. When you do tell him I would keep it as low key as possible. And make sure you are ready to tell him without getting upset.

Original poster

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 17:52

How on Earth would it come up in conversation though if I was trying to be matter of fact about it? It was before the 12 week mark.

OP posts:

PeachyAndTheArghoNauts · 20/04/2011 18:04

Fab , must be worrying for you.

Hs he seen any profesionals for a developmental check up? Chances are he's fine but that pattern of pass-fail is quite common in children who have a very mild spectrum disorder and it would explain the some of the rest (specifically closedness and hyposensitivity) too. Now I know I am going to panic you saying that and sorry, I really don't mean to: A) because the chances are it will simply rule out an avenue of concern and not anything else; B) i've never met your child so am relating it to a few things with my own and you may well know things that make that dx impossible, and C) seems to me, that you can get on a list and cancel but if you get more worried you cannot skip to the top. more significantly in many ways I think, after 5 a lot of areas prefer toa ssess via a psychologist who could chat to you about when to tell him about his twin.

I remember the exact moment Mum told me she had lost 4 babies before birth (28 weekers) and another one to rubella sisters and I babies 6, 7, 8), I was 24 and it was at a strawberry picking farm. She has never mentioned it since so I understand why it was too hard to her to tell me, but I was more astounded she'd chosen not to tell me than anything else and given that Mum had been on ADs most of my life, suddenly aware that here was the final puzzle piece that explained a lot of my childhood. I would always tell early but only the parents truly understand what their child is ready for so go with instincts.

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