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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What would you have done in this situation re homework and tiredness?

29 replies

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:21

DD is in yr7. Bit of background - she really struggled in the first half term in secondary, didn't want to leave her primary and her friends, but she struggled gamely on and is now happy and settled and doing well. She is in the top set for everything and a really hard worker. HW is normally done the night she gets it or soon after and done well with minimal input from DH and I. She is a perfectionist and hates being given a poor mark or being told off.

This weekend she was at the riding stables all day on saturday helping out and she had an hour long hack too. Then I let her friend stay over afterwards. That was my fault.

Consequence was that by SUnday night she was dog tired - to the point that she was crying over her history hw. I told her I'd help her but she didn't want me to. I told her to leave it and explain to the teacher. She cried even more at that. I managed to persuade her to go to bed but she was trying to carry on in bed. I turned her light off and told her quite sternly to go to sleep. Cue total hysterics and sobbing fit to break her heart. Nothing comforted her and she couldn't sleep.

This took place over about 2 hours. I kept DH tried and failed to calm her and persuade her to go to sleep too.

In the end I told her she could stay at home today and finish her hw then. It was the only thing I could think of to calm her down. DH didn't approve, and I agree it wasn't ideal, but I honestly didn't know what else to do.

I know that long term the solution would be to ensure this combination of events doesn't happen again, but what would you have done instead? And how do I make her more laidback - we are far from pushy parents, in fact DD is a bit of a surprise to us!

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BluddyMoFo · 04/04/2011 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:26

Yes bluddy I admitted that would have been sensible but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I did suggest a note to the teacher but that caused more hysterics.

OP posts:

purepurple · 04/04/2011 12:27

I would have sent her to school and let her deal with the consequences of not doing her homework.
Then, next time, she will have the motivation to do the homework before going out.
Why couldn't she have done the homework on Sunday?

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:30

It wasn't a case of making her deal with the consequences, it was a case of calming her down she could sleep.

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ExitPursuedByALamb · 04/04/2011 12:35

Difficult one Ormirian. I have made my DD leave some maths homework as she had loads to do. She had missed a lesson for some reason and did her catching up work before her homework and it was late and she was tired. I emailed the teacher to tell her and all was fine - but my DD was happy with the solution.

Your problem seems to be your DD's reaction to not doing her homework so in your situation I would have done the same thing. Or maybe send in for the afternoon?

upahill · 04/04/2011 12:36

I would have and indeed have done the same as Purple.
I have told the kids on Friday nights that we have a busy weekend planed and said rmemeber Saturday morning a is happening and then this that and the other . We are out all day Sunday. Do it now.

If they make no moves to do it it is not my problem and they can deal with it.

(NB sometimes they never learn though!!!)

pgpg · 04/04/2011 12:37

You probably would have struggled to get the "right" answer - though I suspect the one you chose was not the best! Easy for me to say that at this point isn't it!? It's not a disaster though, you will all have learned from the experience so don't beat yourselves up about it. I wouldn't have been courageous enough to have been honest, I'd have said she wasn't feeling well... Is that what you will say to the school?

I think I would have been inclined to say on Sunday night :"don't worry, I'll wake you up an hour early tomorrow and you can do it before you go to school". I did my homework on the bus on the way in to school a few times!

She sounds like a normally anxious studious type to me!

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:39

"Your problem seems to be your DD's reaction to not doing her homework"

Precisely! I would have had no trouble sending her in to her doom this morning if she hadn't been so upset and had gone to sleep as DS1 would have done.

And this is so rare - she always overreacts when she thinks she's going to be in trouble but the hw is almost always done in plenty of time.

How do I teach her to chill a little bit?

OP posts:

upahill · 04/04/2011 12:39

Sorry x-posted.
Most say it seems an over the top reaction from your DD.

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:40

"don't worry, I'll wake you up an hour early tomorrow and you can do it before you go to school"

Tried that tack too. Didn't help.

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HattiFattner · 04/04/2011 12:42

my DD has been threatened with early morning homework if she doesnt get it all done in the evenings. This is a fate worse than death apparently - her dad get up at 5:30am swimming, so she is threatened with getting upwith the sparrows with him.

I think I would suggest this as a good compromise in future - not letting her take the day off as she now has loads of catch up to do - and homework on top. She would have been able to go to sleep and would have been tired but on top of the work.

bumblingbovine · 04/04/2011 12:43

does anyone else not think that this behaviour over homework not done is worrying? I think if your dd ususlly does her homework on time she would probably be given some slack by the teacher, especially if you wrote a note. The fact that your dd was SO upset over not having done her homework is actually what I would see as the problem here.

Your dd's reaction was disproportionate. Perfectionism is not always the best trait to have.

Now that the decision is made and she is calmer, can you talk to her and ask her what was so terrifying about not having done her homework?

Stricnine · 04/04/2011 12:43

I have been in this situation several times, having a similar DD who hates not being prepared for the next day... I've found over the years it's less stress all round to let her do the homework (or whatever) late at night as she relaxes and sleeps better without being stressed about everything.. the 2 hours that you effectively 'wasted' trying to calm her down to go to sleep would probably have been more than sufficient to do the work in!!

We've even had showers at midnight, cos her hair is in such a 'state' that one couldn't possibly be seen in public the next day :)

But I now accept that what stresses her is completely different to me and if we just let her get on with it then everything usually all pans out in the long run... (she's now 14 though!)

I certainly wouldn't have opted for a day off school though just to catch up with homework.. she'll now have another batch of lessons missed that she'll need to catch up on .. and the circle will repeat!

bumblingbovine · 04/04/2011 12:45

I don't think practical solutions about how to get her homework done in the future will help her once she is in the throws of a melt down (and this most definitely was a meltdown).

You need to talk to her when she is calm and to help her come up with how she can avoid this problem in the future and also to have an "emergency/crisis plan", ie a plan for what she does if she really does not manage to get all her homework done for some reason.

Lollybrolly · 04/04/2011 12:53

I am wondering if this was all about the homework at all. Her reaction was a little extreme but totally in keeping with an overtired hormonal teen.

She may have started to get worked up and peed off about the fact the homework was not done but then spiralled with the overtiredness as well.

My almost 13yo DD is the most laid back person ever (wish I could be as chilled as she is) but we have had 2 incidents similar to what you describe (though nothing to do with homework) with her in the last 6 months. After speaking to others - we have put it down to age, hormones etc.

Hope she is feeling more positive today.

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 12:58

Thanks everyone.

She was not in a state to do her hw even if I had let her.

I have asked her and all she says is she would have been told off. I said that isn't the end of the world and she replied that it was We've had a chat about making sure it's all done in advance so this doesn't happen again - the only other time we had anything like this was about maths that she didn't understand and she was too tired to let us explain it to her. That time she had a few days to go so it wasn't so dire. I didn't check that she has any to do because she doesn't need to be harried about her hw normally - she just does it. I will need to be more proactive I guess.

hw was the spark but sheer exhaustion was the fuel.

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pgpg · 04/04/2011 13:18

In that case, it sounds as if she really did need the time off school! At least she can get back on an even keel now. I can remember getting very het up about homework and none of the solutions my parents suggested were any good (of course not, they were my parents for heavens sake, what did THEY know?).

When my children were at school, I knew one family that every now and again kept a child away from school through "tiredness". I thought it very odd (and explained to my two that such a suggestion wouldn't wash with me!). However, this particular child is one of the brightest I have ever met. She did superbly well at school and now has an excellent degree. Perhaps we just need to accept that we do the best we can and that a lot of the time our instincts are right for our own children, even if they seem odd to other parents.

I hope she soon feels better.

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 13:21

Thanks pgpg. I do wonder if she is suffering from a little burn-out. She works so hard and care sooo much it must takes it's toll and it's nearly end of term.

She is calm today but looks so tired still - big dark shadows. Roll on the Easter holidays

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stripeytiger · 04/04/2011 13:55

Hi Ormirian, I think you did what you felt was right for your dd as you obviously care about her very much. Maybe it wasn't ideal, but as you say, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don't be too hard on yourself or your dd. I haven't read through all the replies, but one thing that occurred to me, how old is your dd, 11 or 12 I'm guessing if she's in year 7. Do you think she might be about to start her periods and maybe this sparked her being very sensitive, tearful and tired?? Just a thought.

Hope you manage to smooth things over as she sounds a lovely girl. My dd is 9 and sounds very similar.

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 13:56

Thanks stripy - she's been having monthly mood swings for a while now but nothing else. It isn't going to be long though. Poor kid!

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seeker · 04/04/2011 14:08

I have a perfectionist, conscientious dd too. One of the most helpful things we do is to have a "rolling timetable" on the kitchen notice board. Every time she gets a bit of homework she writes it on the board, with when it's due in and a rough guess about how long it will take her to do it. That way I can keep half an eye on it when I'm planning family things, and she can too. We're still doing this and she's in year 10!

In the circumstances you describe, with dd i would have probably let her have half an hour's telly, or a bath, or something to calm down, and then approached the homework again. In year 7 it shouldn;t take more than 30 minutes or so - so she'd still have been in bed sooner than she was. But that's what would ahev worked with mine - they are all so different!

cory · 04/04/2011 19:41

tbh I think once you've got yourself into one of those situations you have to deal with the dc you actually have in front of you- not the one other people have

if it's any consolation, my dd sounds worse than yours for getting in a state, and there is no way she can calm down in 30 minutes

of course, there are times when I wish I was dealing with other people's dds instead- but I have to do my best with the one I have

sound like that's what you did too

Original poster

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 19:46

Thanks cory, I did. She is the most wonderful child I could wish for but blimey I wish she had an off switch when she gets into her panic zone!

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Roo83 · 04/04/2011 20:09

It sounds like she works hard when she's at school so one day off isn't going to have hurt her. Yes in an ideal world she'd always do homework on Friday and then have the whole weekend to relax, but life isnt always like that. She's still only a child, it's not as if she's doing GCSE's or anything. I had odd days off school when Id had a hectic weekend competing (also horses) and I'd just catch up the work I missed when I got back. Still got all A's so it really didn't have a detrimental effect

trixie123 · 04/04/2011 20:57

its been a long term and a lot of the y7s I teach have been clinging on by their fingertips for a while. I do have concerns about some of them (very academic private school) who get overly worked up about hwk and have had conversations with parents about how they do extra curricular stuff, hour long bus journeys home followed by hwk expectations. Its hardly surprising they have the occasional melt down but I would agree that missing days from school that she will then need to catch up is not the way to go in the future. I would suggest using the upcoming holiday to do the following:

email form tutor before friday flagging up this issue and ask her to keep an eye on things at school - this can be circulated to DD teachers.
Make sure you are familiar with the school's homework policy and timetable so you know when your daughter should have the various subjects and what the consequences will be if its not done.
Have at least one conversation with your DD about the whole situation when she has had time to wind down and relax about why she reacted the way she did (I would have to at that age - I still hate being in trouble) and to consider the best way to avoid it in future. Most teachers are quite reasonable people and give a bit of leeway if a missed deadline is a one off - I certainly do.

Best of luck - tell her to enjoy the holiday

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