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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am quite upset but don't know if it is normal/I am worrying over nothing.

27 replies

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 17:28

I have 3 children who for a lot of the time do not get on. I would say they argue/fight/shout at each other more than they play nicely together or talk nicely. I know it is normal for siblings to have tiffs, etc but it hurts me that they seem to actively dislike each other at times. I don't know what to do about it . They are 10, 7 and 5.

I see other families and the children get on a lot better than mine do.

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TheVisitor · 11/03/2011 17:29

You don't see what happens when they've shut their front door! My kids fight and argue and appear to hate each other sometimes. Other times, they'll be lovely to each other. The latter is less than the former. It's very, very normal.

wendylovesbob · 11/03/2011 17:39

I was reading recently (In 'Nurtureshock' I think) that siblings who get on well will generally spend 10 minutes of every 60 arguing. If you have three kids each child is going to spend 20 of every 60 arguing.

MightyAphrodite · 11/03/2011 17:40

Unfortunately very VERY normal. Mine are 12, 10, 7 and 4 and the 2 older ones hate each other big time most of the day and then suddenly they're playing Uno or something. Actually Uno last about 3 minutes until one of them inevitably loses. DS (12) is having all the pre-teenage hormone stuff and even I find him unbearable at times. I just try to keep my mouth shut and make sure no one gets seriously hurt. Actually, it's supposed to be healthy for children to go through this within the bounds of the family - they're better adjusted when they go out into the outside world, or some such nonsense. It makes sense, though, now I think about it, because even mine are quite civilized around other people.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 17:59

Should I be trying to get them to like each other/get on better and can I even do that?

I am failing as well as DS1 has just yelled at DD and I think that is because I shout.

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MightyAphrodite · 11/03/2011 18:16

Yep - our kids are definitely mirrors - that's why we don't like what we see! I shout, get angry and am often unreasonable so I can't really expect my children to be any different. As a family we're making a conscious effort to change though. DH and I started seeing a child psychologist to help us through DSs adolescence - I just wanted ideas on how not to make the situation worse, I think. I wanted him to tell me that, yes it's all normal, grit your teeth for the next 6 years and you'll be fine. Turns out DS has mild depression though. This is also quite normal apparently, especially for the oldest child in a family. I think it helps to know where the anger and apparent hatred are coming from. Sometimes someone on the outside sees things we don't, and can give us tools to deal with it. I'm not suggesting that children are put into therapy - the psychologist is a friend of a friend and he offered to have a few sessions with us - but it really is good to talk. Also doing stuff together as a family is really important, even just sitting down all together to eat or watch a film. And giving each kid time on their own with each parent. It's all really obvious, it's what my parents did with us, but nowadays there never seems to be enough time to be there for everyone.

Chundle · 11/03/2011 18:24

Can I say that I really really argued and disliked my sister as a kid, there's 18 months between us. Now as adults we are very close x

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 19:31

My husbands boy/girl cousins were like that and are very close now too. I live in hope...

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astragirl · 12/03/2011 15:08

Well I have 2 other siblings and we were never allowed to argue at home, we wouldn't dare, and now we all hate each other!!

sam12 · 12/03/2011 15:24

I don't think there is much you can do to make them like each other tbh. But I'm another one who fought constantly with my db. He once hit me that hard I passed out! But now we truly are the best of friends. They will grow out of it.

NickNacks · 12/03/2011 15:38

I think just because people are siblings, it doesn't mean that they are any more likely to like each other than two people of the street. Sure they will love each other as they have bonded through growing up together but all personalities (whether they are very similar or very different) have the potential to not get on and siblings are no different.

AngelDog · 12/03/2011 20:52

Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? I've not read it myself as I only have the one DS but I have heard nothing but good about it. The author's other main book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen So Kids Will Talk) is really good.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 12/03/2011 20:53

I have read some of it. Need to make time to read the rest of it.

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RoseyB · 14/03/2011 11:48

Oh, it's so good to read this string. I'm copying it to my husband too. We tried an experiment this weekend with our two DSs 4 and a half and 2. We were nice to each other and I didn't shout. It was so hard for me. When older DS said No we all said come when you're ready. When he started to hurt his brother we separated them and didn't punish. Just said something mild and soothing. It was so hard for me. Did I mention it was so hard for me? I'm such a shouter. I fear I'm the problem but reading this string is so helpful. We'd love them to get on and the little one loves the big one but the big one seems jealous and rude to the little one who he rarely talks to never plays with. The experiement went 50/50 we concluded so we'll keep trying. I must keep my temper, I must keep my temper...

MooMooFarm · 14/03/2011 11:53

I would imagine all siblings argue and fight - mine definitely do. Yours are close in age too, which means there's probably rivalry going on too which doesn't help.

My only tip is to keep out of it and don't get dragged into every silly little argument. IME, the more you jump in, the more children will start arguments to get the other in trouble. Obviously if somebody's getting hurt I don't ignore!

BaggedandTagged · 14/03/2011 11:55

My sister and I both have physical scars from our sibling spats- I kid you not. However, when not fighting we did play together a lot. My mum was like the UN- basically just stood there and let the bloodshed continue

Anyway, we still argue quite a lot tbh, but what I really value is that she's probably the one person in the whole world with whom I have a 100% honest relationship with and that's definitely worth something.

MarineIguana · 14/03/2011 11:56

I was put under a lot of pressure by my mum to get on with my siblings - she even wanted us to play together in the school playground (she was an only and totally idealised having siblings!) It was horrible and basically we've never developed a proper relationship anyway. I think it's important to let siblings not get on and have their own space. If it makes you sad that they don't like each other, please don't lay that on them - they didn't ask for their siblings, they just get the luck of the draw and they could be completely different people.

Pagwatch · 14/03/2011 11:57

I grew up in a home where we all shouted at each other and my parents just let us get on with it. I can't stand half of them now. Funnily enough the one I loathe is closest in age to me and the sister I adore is the biggest age gap.

My children get on really well. They hug each other and care about each other. Of course they fall out. Ds1 tends to be bossy but hecwalks his sister to school and kisses her and takes care of her.

I think it is a mixture of things. Firstly, while I accept arguments I don't tolerate name calling, shouting and nastiness. And dh and I don't shout, swear or call each other names. Just don't allow it.

Also my dcs have big age gaps. I think tension arises when children are competing for the same attention.

But I should stress, arguments are normal. And I know I am lucky with my three. I don't post to be smug ir pretend it is easy.
But I do get annoyed when people suggest that children always fight and are vile to each other - that simply isn't true.
And children can get on. They don't all want to kill each other behind closed doors.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 14/03/2011 11:58

Yesterday's trouble was ds2 told a lie and said his sister had hit him. DH was dealing with it and when he couldn't get the truth he sent them both to their rooms. He was sure it was dd that was lying. It wasn't. I have told them not to lie as that makes them in twice the trouble (not twice the punishment, we only really use the step).

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MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 21:44

Dsis and I fought like cat and dog growing up - but woe betide anyone who upset or hurt her and then I as the big sister was in there like a shot to defend her.

As adults now we are incredibly close.

DS is the same with DD - they squabble and bicker but do love one another very much and stick up for one another / protect each other.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 15/03/2011 08:07

Mine say they don't love or even like each other sometimes .

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AtYourCervix · 15/03/2011 08:11

mine loathe each other. they can barely be in the same room together for half an hour without bckering. i think the last time they actually did anything nice together must have been about 6 years ago. I referee and ignore and let them get on with it. They are too different to ever choose to be friends or spend time together but I hope when they live apart as adults they may get on better.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 15/03/2011 08:15

That makes me feel better AYC, so thank you very much for posting.

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AtYourCervix · 15/03/2011 08:24

They are so different I am always amazed that they are from the same genetic stock and have been parented in the same way.

cory · 15/03/2011 09:34

I don't think you should do anything to make them like each other, that is bound to misfire. However, you can insist on certain basic manners in the house you have to live in: to me, that would mean no name-calling, no swearing, no hitting and not too much loud shouting. Not because I am trying to control their relationship, but because I have a right to a pleasant home. In the same way as dh and I have to control ourselves when we have an argument, because dcs have a right to a pleasant home.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 15/03/2011 10:44

My boys have come from the same mould in every way. DD, dunno where she is from .

I asked the children this morning to think before they speak and it is mean, rude, cheeky or unkind to stay quiet. This was after more vocal bad behaviour.

AYC - tips for what to do if they don't???

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