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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Sending to room as a punishment

37 replies

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 20:41

I have an 8yr old son who is very well behaved but has a real issue with eating and although is fussy even makes mealtimes difficult at times when there's food he has eaten before (chicken breast, 5 peas and a potato)

The other day, after not eating dinner he's eaten before he went directly to bed as a consequence and faced the remains in the morning and when he ate the chicken without tackling the 2 remaining peas and potato he was sent to his room, where he remained for 3 hours.

All this was done with high tone, no mood, no aggression. He was checked on regularly and was taken some drinks. We then went out for an hour, he had another drink, we had some fun and when we came back he was back to his room for half an hour while I prepared what he selected from a favoured choice, salmon (served with two peas and a potato obviously).

He obviously knew he was being punished, but as a sense check, did I overstep the mark and would anyone consider these sort of actions to get results?

Any other suggestions would be welcomed.

OP posts:

earwicga · 21/02/2011 20:45

Seriously? You brought out yesterday's dinner for breakfast? Are you WANTING your child to develop an eating disorder?

This was old-fashioned when my mother did it to me. Doing it these days is unbelivable!

If he doesn't eat dinner then he goes hungry. Move on. Involve him with cooking dinner.

2cats2many · 21/02/2011 20:46

That seems really quite OTT to me. Sorry.

If it were me, and I was really sure he was just being fussy, I would have cleared away the plate after having made it clear that that would be all on offer for the night. If he didn't want to eat, then that's up to him.

I certainly wouldn't have served it up for breakfast the next day.

Just a question, but how would you feel if someone treated you like that? A bit bullied maybe...?

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 20:52

Appreciate the comments and it's good to get a sense check.

When time allows I do spend time looking through cook books with him and we've made some things hes identified, together.

Someone suggested we go shopping....and he does the shopping, anything he likes and if it's a fairly balanced lot then to just go with it, which I thought was good.

Do I need to relax on the subject a bit? Do kids just start at some age to be more adventurous?

The more comment the better. Thanks.

OP posts:

addictedtofrazzles · 21/02/2011 20:53

I don't understand two things:

If he has food issues, why would you make him 'face' his cold dinner from the night before? If he didn't like it when it was fresh, he is not going to want to try to eat it again when it is 12 hours old. Surely he should be having a heathy relationship with food and at breakfast time, eat breakfast! I feel genuinely sorry for him - he ate cold chicken and then was punished further for not eating 2 peas and a potato...

I personally have an issue with children being punished and sent to their room. I really feel that a child's bedroom should be their sanctuary and a safe place where they can rest and have personal space. I feel it should not be a place of punishment.

Perhaps you can make your sanctions more immediate and then move on? Take the food away, without fuss and then he will eat when he is hungry. You could use a positive tactic of rewarding what he has eaten rather than what he has not? Off the top of my head, you could agree what is half his plate and what he will eat (rather than insist he eats all of it) and then if he does that in one day, he can watch 10 mins of tv before bed/get a football magazine/choose a book.

I think you need to tackle his relationship with food - get him to cook it, do some baking, get friends over for tea, get him to make the family supper.

In short, you are far too harsh and your post has saddened me.

earwicga · 21/02/2011 20:57

Ok, when my 8 year olds don't eat what they are given they go hungry. They do try to be faddy eaters from time to time - they are little people trying out boundaries - but they get short shrift from me.

I don't have extras here for snacking/afters etc, other than fruit.

Please, please never make a big thing about eating or bring out old dinner for breakfast. You will only develop an unhealthy relationship with food in your son.

I do get that is bloody annoying that a child refuses food when you have gone into the time and effort of preparing food. I seriously hate cooking. But you have to breathe deeply and let it go.

I don't get the benefit of sending him to his room for not eating either. Mine only go to their room for ott fighting.

MogadoredMemoo · 21/02/2011 20:57

Woa! You really need to just let the fussy eating go. Making a child eat left over dinner for their breakfast is cruel!

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 20:57

Thank you addictedtofrazzles.

There are often rewards and there are often deals made.

Not meaning to sadden, I do appreciate the comment.

OP posts:

earwicga · 21/02/2011 20:58

No, no, no. No sanctions or rewards around food at all!

scurryfunge · 21/02/2011 21:00

You are turning food into a massive issue and I would say it is quite abusive to present last night's dinner as a punishment.

thisisyesterday · 21/02/2011 21:03

so... he had to go to bed straight after dinner?
then, having eaten half a cold dinner for his breakfast you punished him again by sending him back to his room for another THREE HOURS??

i feel incredibly sorry for your son and i'm not surprised he has issues around food.
if he doesn't eat he gets sent away, if he does eat he gets sent away

this has made me quite upset

has it actually occurred to you that if what you;re doing isn't making him eat that it isn't perhaps the right thing to do?

MogadoredMemoo · 21/02/2011 21:17

I can't stop thinking about this. I think your treatment of your son is appalling and bordering on abusive.

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:23

I don't think it's going to help OP much if we all keep banging on about abuse.

It's an unpleasant way to behave, true, but not really abusive imo. But I remember it happening and it felt shit as a child.

Perhaps it would be more useful to come up with other ways of dealing with a child refusing to eat prepared meals.

Ps - have you ever watched Spring & Port Wine?

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 21:26

Thank you earwicga.....

No, but I've found it on Amazon and will buy it tonight......

OP posts:

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:27

It's not a parenting film, and you'll prob hate me for suggesting it now. It's just that there is a scene where a refused meal is brought out for every meal, and it is a bloody brilliant film.

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 21:31

There were a few others I was going to get anyway earwicga.....

Karate Kid, the origonal as we started Karate on Saturday, and Two Brothers (a feel good movie)....so, dedicated to you.....can my boy watch it with me....by then he might be able to laugh at his experience?

OP posts:

piprabbit · 21/02/2011 21:32

Most people implementing some sort of 'time out' approach would go with one minute for each year of the the child's age (and not in their bedroom - as that confuses the sleep/relaxation are with punishment plus it's likely to be full of toys to play with). Then draw a line under th eissue and move on.

You did say that your DS was 8 and not 180 didn't you?

Othersideofthechannel · 21/02/2011 21:32

I agree with previous posters.

I had to eat the previous night's dinner for breakfast when my mother served food which contained a particular ingredient which I did not like the taste of.

I don't have an eating disorder. But even now, 30 years on, I still have a hang up about the taste of that particular ingredient. I can eat it to be polite but I really don't enjoy it. Worse, it is one of those things which people often serve when they want to spoil you.

"Do I need to relax on the subject a bit? Do kids just start at some age to be more adventurous?"
Yes! I only liked bland food as a child despite having one parent from a spicy food culture so regular exposure. Now I love spicy food. I started getting into it gradually from age 11.

I wouldn't punish or reward what is consumed. Think long term and focus on the being together and chatting around the table.

scurryfunge · 21/02/2011 21:33

The OP did ask quite clearly whether she had over stepped the mark and needs a reality check, tbh.

I am sorry if it affects your sensibilities but it really is not on. I suggest you do not use food as either a punishment or a reward.

Do not comment on refusals but make it clear that there is suitable food available. Take it or leave it, no negotiations.

No snacking junk in between meals. Reduce portions if they are overwhelming and do not bargain about mouthfuls or get into counting peas - It smacks of control on both parts and becomes a battle.

Take your child to a doctor if he becomes very underweight or is failing to develop.

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:34

I can't remember it well enough to judge if it is suitable for an 8yo tbh.

Perhaps if you talked to him about it and apologise (if you can) and have a talk about why you were upset. i.e. you would like him to have a good diet, and that it takes time and effort and money to provide meals.

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 21:35

Thank you othersideofthechannel

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 21/02/2011 21:35

i agree earwicga (which is odd as I recall that we don't often agree on here!? lol)

anyway, this did upset me and I kind of avoided the thread then for a bit, but you are right that constructive advice is far more useful

if it were me i would take a whole different tack.

I would write a list of things he will eat. he can help with this. he may surprise you!
you use this to see exactly how limited his diet is... sometimes it' surprising how much they actually eat

then perhaps write a list of things he might like to try (he will help you with this), you could maybe make a list of 5 things to start with
these will be introduced, a small amount at a time. He will have chosen them, and so for instance if one of the things is sweetcorn then one dinner time this week he gets a teaspoon of sweetcorn on his plate. You can encourage him to try it, but not force him

he is plenty old enough to understand that our bodies need different types of food to use, and that it's important we eat a balanced and healthy diet. that means cakes as well as veg tho!!! everything in moderation n all that

anyway, I think I would also try and get to the bottom of why he doesn't eat certain things. are there any other issues? my brother is dyspraxic and had a very limited diet as a child as he could not stand certain textures. perhaps your son is similar and it's how things feel that he dislikes?
interestingly my brother will still not eat cooked onion, tomatoes or any veg. yet he will happily tuck into squid in a restaurant!

I digress... you need to present things as a brand new start. a new way of having food. there is no pressure to eat. there are no rewards because you eat when you are hungry and you stop when you are full. you don't get a present for eating because it's something you should do anyway.
it's very low-key. it's here is our meal, let's all eat.
if he doesn't eat that's up to him.
you do the same the next meal time

might it help if you had serving dishes on the table so he can help himself?

I just think you need to totally take away all the pressure. it must be awful sitting at a dinner table knowing everyone is watching you. knowing you;ll be in trouble at the end of it...
take that away and things might start to change?

has he always been fussy?

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:36

Plus, appetite varies a lot at times here. There are growth spells, and times when less food is actually needed.

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 21:40

Thank you scurryfunge.....

and earwicga, I will be apologising on Wednesday.
I'm a male mum and have my son 30% of the time and feel I overstepped the mark here and so am very thankful, yes, even for the less positive responses, but more for the positive ones......

OP posts:

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:43

Good to hear it. And welcome to Mumsnet.

Original poster

shakeyjakey · 21/02/2011 21:44

excellent thisisyesteday!

You make some very useful points, thanks.

OP posts:

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