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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

9yo DD ruined new bedroom wall

53 replies

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 18:54

DD1 is 9 and has always had a temper and little impulse control, coupled with a complete disregard for consequences.
The most recent thing has been shouting "FINE!!", storming up the stairs and slamming her bedroom door. She shares with DD2 (4) and now DD2 has started copying this exactly. I warned DD1 that if she didn't stop slamming the door I would take it off the hinges. Predictably the warning had no effect and I took the door off yesterday.
She then scrawled in huge letters across her newly painted wall
I CANT SLEEP WITHOUT MY DOOR!!
And just to make sure, she even went over it again in a darker pen so it stood out. I didn't see it until this morning.
(For the record she slept very soundly last night and was flat out.)
She knows how hard I have worked to get their bedroom looking nice, it involved stripping the whole room of woodchip, patching/skimming the walls and repapering, painting, new pictures, new curtains etc. I had plans for her side of the room (bed canopy, new shelves, new lights) and she knew all this. I had even drawn her a plan of how it would look and she was excited. Now I can't even speak to her, I am so angry and disappointed.
I don't know what to do now. Any thoughts anyone? I am so sick of banging my head against a brick wall with her :(

OP posts:

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belledechocchipcookie · 19/02/2011 18:59

I would leave it as it is. Has she apologised?

Sequins · 19/02/2011 19:01

Bet you are regretting the door removal, now!

But since you are on that road, I'd suggest taking some else out of her room for now e.g. her new pictures or something else she likes. Not her bedlinen, pillow or curtains though as then she won't like going to sleep. But make it very clear how she can earn back:

her door
whatever else you end up taking out
her wall being repainted

I wonder if not tantrumming for a week could = replacing the door?

And in the future maybe she could earn pocket money through good behaviour?

muggglewump · 19/02/2011 19:02

No help, sorry, but my 9yr old is like this too, with definite issues.
She's not a tantrummer generally (though there have been times), more a sulker, and refuses to talk, and stiffens up while shutting down.

What your DD has done, is the kind of thing that DD would do.

You give her the earth, she throws it back in your face and demands more, only to find that not good enough either.

It's hard, and it's wearing, and it's trying.

I will be lurking too hoping to get some tips and advice.

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 19:02

Does she know you've seen it?

what transpired after your discovery?

Original poster

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 19:05

I have offered her pocket money for keeping her floor tidy before but she refused!
She has not apologised. She said "But we can just paint over it" I said no, we can't, because the next time you want to scrawl on your walls you can just expect me to make it nice again.
I took the door off because I don't want DD2 slamming her fingers in the door because she wants to copy DD1. As well as the damn noise. I have elderly neighbours on both sides and she made such a racket with it.

OP posts:

Ingles2 · 19/02/2011 19:05

Wow! I have a 9yr old ds and I would be livid if he did this.
I would take anything nice out of her side of the room for now,... then work out what jobs / behaviour is going to happen to earn them back!
Really, she is far far too old to get away with this

Original poster

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 19:06

Oh when I saw it she just said "But I CAN'T sleep without it!!" after sleeping like a log all night. No remorse.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 19/02/2011 19:06

ahhh when i was about the same age i wrote "I HATE YOU ALL" across my wall with purple marker

i suspect what was going through her head at the time was simply "you've taken my door away, i'm going to let you know how cross I am"

and she found an excellent way of doing so!

i think that punishments/rewards can become a vicious circle tbh, and certain children just don't respond well to it. perhaps your DD is one of them?
I know it sounds all hippy and permissive but have you actually tried talking to her and coming up with solutions together with her rather than just laying down the law and trying to make her stick to it?

I just think that sometimes you're onto a loser from the word go. you cannot physically stop her from slamming a door (aside from removing it, which hasn't worked)... so you need to get her to agree to a different tactic altogether.

firstly you need to pick battles. does it matter if she slams the door? does it matter if dd2 does it?
what is triggering tantrums? if you note down for a week anything that precedes her slamming the door and shouting fine, what would they be?
because if you can fix the causes of her frustration then the door issue fixes itself.

on occasions when you can see she is getting het up you need a solution to that BEFORE it gets to door slamming stage

It might be a good idea to talk to her about this.
explain why you don't want her slamming her door, and ask if the both of you can think of something she could do instead to let you know she is unhappy with something.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 19/02/2011 19:06

Have a , some chocolate & a hug.

I think a lot of 9 year olds really have problems with puberty, their hormones can be all over the place. I didn't realise until last year how awful it feels to be that out of control.

(I went through a patch of having very bad PMT - I could have happily done serious damage to someone/something - never had it before, never had it since?! I didn't even realise what it was for a few months I just knew I was angry .)

I'm not saying this excuses her behaviour as she needs to learn 'impulse control' :(

I assume you have the girls in the same room because there isn't any other option? I guess that's quite hard on both of them, but hey, that's life.

Have you talked to her today?

How has she been when you have talked to her in the past?

Original poster

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 19:07

And she has been upstairs all day tidying her floor. So far she has come down about 50 times to 'ask me something' or 'show me something' and I have quietly said "Please go and tidy your floor." Her punishment is not participating in any family stuff.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 19/02/2011 19:08

this also stands out to me

" I warned DD1 that if she didn't stop slamming the door I would take it off the hinges. Predictably the warning had no effect and I took the door off yesterday."

specifically the "predictably"
you knew she wouldn't/couldn't stop herself from doing it, and yet you implemented a fairly extreme punishment in that knowledge....

if she genuinely has impulse control issues, and you knew it was likely that your threat would bear little or no weight then cajn jyou not see it from her point of view at all?

Ingles2 · 19/02/2011 19:08

x posts
really? no apology? didn't you insist?
Don't let her walk all over you fgs.

ImFab · 19/02/2011 19:09

DD has had a hole in her wall for months now after slamming the door against it in a temper after dh had filled it in when she had done it before. it will stay like that until we get round to it. we have also threatened the door removal and have taken the handle off when necessary (that is ds though).

Dumbledoresgirl · 19/02/2011 19:10

I am not suggesting this as a way forward, but I would be tempted to write "TOUGH!" under her words.

I would be beside myself with livid if my child did this, particularly after all the effort you have gone to to decorate the room.

She is 9, not 3. I think her behaviour is entirely inappropriate and you must stand firm or else she will not learn. I guess the ultimate solution I would want to see is the child painting over her message and making good any other damage done. Then, and only then, the door might be replaced.

Ingles2 · 19/02/2011 19:12

you're taking the right approach I think, I would be very heavy handed with the "I am disappointed in you" tack.
It won't take too long before she is ashamed and embarrassed of her behaviour.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/02/2011 19:12

I sympathise. My DS regularly destroys his room. He has SN so its not straightforward bad behaviour but we still try to manage it.

Last time I did over his room I decorated it around a huge canvas of an old fashioned superman comic. It looked lovely and took me all week to finish.

I showed him and he was delighted. I picked up some stuff and walked out of the room for five minutes. By the time I got back he had sprayed the canvas with cleaner and totally ruined it. I had to chuck it away.

The celing is covered in food, crayons and whatever else he can throw at it.
The wall next to his bed has the paint picked off it.
He cant have curtains because the wall has been damaged so many times I cant put a pole up.
He has to have a flush light fitting because he pulls lampshades down.

His brand new bed was dented and drawn on within days.

Its so disheartening. I have got really upset in the past.

We have tried lots of things and nothing seem to work.

So I will be watching for any good tips.

skybluepearl · 19/02/2011 19:12

just let her live without a door and with pen on wall for a week. then chat - ask her what she thinks s a good way forward? i'd suggest that she repaints the wall and then she helps you hang the door. warn her that door will be removed for saftey if she starts slamming again.

Original poster

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 19:13

I didn't shout when I saw it. I explained that I was very disappointed and angry because I am trying to make the bedroom special for both of them.
Thisis, I have the "How to Talk" book and have been following the tactics as best I can; we had a 'meeting' about her bedroom a couple of weeks ago (where we both came up with solutions and wrote everything down). So far, it's all gone down the pan again. I really do try and talk to her first and understand but she honestly doesn't seem to give a damn. It was the going back a second time to go over it again, so planned and thought through, that made me most angry.
She will go and slam her door for anything, usually very minor things like 'Please take your boots upstairs/pick up your dirty laundry".

OP posts:

rinabean · 19/02/2011 19:13

It sounds like attention-seeking. So... you don't give her enough attention and so she misbehaves. Then, as a punishment, you're withholding attention? This could turn into a nasty cycle - to be honest, it sounds like it already has. Make her tidy up, yes, she does need to learn that the fairies don't keep things nice, but why not go and sit with her? Can it make things worse? :)

muggglewump · 19/02/2011 19:14

I wish being livid worked Ingles2.
If it did, DD would be the best behaved child ever.

She is going through puberty and I can see is struggling with her own emotions.

That doesn't make me accept the behaviour, and I do find talking her out of it can work, but it's not possible at 8.15am on a Monday when I have to get to work, and I shouldn't always have to at 7.15pm on a Saturday when I want to relax.

Of course, I plough on, I love her, more than anything, I want her to be happy but it's just not as simple as being livid, or saying no, or taking things away, or grounding, or in fact, anything.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 19/02/2011 19:14

Ingles you have a DS - it's one of the times you can be a bit smug about that!! 9 year old boys and 9 year old girls are not the same creature at all. Not all 9 year old girls are created equally either... some have more hormonal imbalances than others - however, the more Peerie says about her DD the less I think it's all hormonal...

She sounds like she has a case of spoiltlittlemadamitis - love will generally cure it. Try 'soft' love first (talking, explaining, empathising, listening, hearing, helping etc) and if you don't get anywhere 'Tough Love' where you lay the rules down, take everything away, don't put up with any 'madam' behaviour at all, make things as clear cut as possible.

Start with the 4 year old while you are about it - crack down on any backchat, door slamming etc and do not blame DD1 for DD2's behaviour (well not out loud!!).

Earlybird · 19/02/2011 19:15

What really matters to her - ie, what does she enjoy? Perhaps you could offer her more/warn of less of whatever it is based on her behaviour - sort of carrot and stick.

But, I am sure you have tried everything you can think of by now.

I have a just turned 10 year old dd, and it would never occur to her to behave in this way, so am at a complete loss as to what to suggest.

It sounds horrible, and I would be very anxious to get this under control before she is a teen - but no idea how....

laosvher · 19/02/2011 19:18

Is it marker?
I'd make her scrub it off, though the paint/paper would probably be ruined.
No new things until she can respect things properly?
Point out that if she didn't slam the door, she wouldn't have difficulty sleeping.
If she just has extra energy that she's burning off by having a temper tantrum (my DD1 did this) then starting a new sport might help.
It sounds like she wants your attention, so I'd be doing a SuperNanny and ignoring her.

laosvher · 19/02/2011 19:21

Oh yes, maybe a special activity for just the two of you. DH and DD1 go cycling up in the moors, is that of any interest to either of you? Swimming?

Original poster

peeriebear · 19/02/2011 19:22

I knew somebody would pick up on the 'predictably' as soon as I pressed post!
I wanted to give her the chance to think about her actions. She has slammed the door in DD2's face on occasion. I explained to her that door slamming is dangerous if DD2 is copying (DD2 has started slamming the living rm door too), also the dog follows people round the house all the time so she could slam it in his chops too because he doesn't move very fast.
I stand by removing the door, because it is the sort of thing she could have stopped doing. I used the word 'predictably' because I'm pissed off and full of ill feeling, not because I expected her to fail. She has managed to modify her behaviour in the past with other things.

OP posts:

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