ok so how does a normal "pick up your boots please" conversation go?
i mean, how does it end with her slamming the door?
is she arguing in between or is it a "pick up your boots".... stomp stomp SLAM
i am just wondering if there is anything you can do in between to stop the angry bit from starting?
I do think for some children that they just really do have trouble seeing consequences and all they gain from punishments is the feeling that the person dishing it out is trying to make them miserable.
I was like this as a child, as is ds1 and it's very hard parenting him, but we're getting there.
sometimes it's no good being harsh and waiting for the remorse... because it never comes!
I can see quite clearly when i get angry with ds1 and he stomps off up to his room that the only thing he gains from it is this whole "mummy hates me" thing. he isn't learning to alter his behaviour at all
i've just been reading a book a friend lent me called "the explosive child"
if you can get past the really stupid pretend conversations between adults and their explosive child it actually makes a fairly good read and we've had some success with it already with ds1
i think the biggest things that have helped me are
modelling behaviour- acting how i want him to act. if i shout at him when i am cross then he will shout at me when he is cross.
if i slam a door he'll slam doors.
If I say i'm not listening when he is being rude then when i am cross with him he'll say i am being rude and he isn't listening to me- and it works with good behaviour too. so when i am angry i'll say "wow, i feel so angry with what you've done ds1, but i'd like to explain why i feel angry so i'm not going to shout... etc etc"
giving him a chance to have his say. so if i ask him to do something and he starts tantrumming I count to 10, take a deep breathand let him do it... i let him get it ALL out, without interrupting, before I ask him if we can come up with a compromise.
don't get me wrong, i don't always have the patience for it, but when i do it it does seem to work
asking him rather than telling him. so as we come in the door from school i'll say "boys can you please put your shoes on the rack?" or even just "remember shoes go on the rack"
- doesn't always work, but it definitely works better than a plain old "put your shoes on the rack"
coming up with compromises. children don't need to learn to obediantly comply with everythi9ng, they need to learn that it's ok to say if they're unhappy with something, and more importantly they need to learn how to co-operate and figure out ways of doing things that don't upset other people. this is a good way of teaching it. it shows them that you are willing to give a little on certain things, if they do too
I guess going back to your original problem now with the wall i would go to her tomorrow and have a talk about it.
she gets to tell you why she did it, and why she feels angry/upset.
you tell her how it makes you feel after you've spent so long making it nice, and re-iterate that she was warned about it, and that slamming doors is not ok...
then ask her what to do about it. you have to come up with a solution that works for you both tho, so her saying "you paint it again" isn't a valid choice... you need to come up with something that pleases everyone.