12 year old stealing from us...what the HECK do we do?

[clouiseg]

Hello everyone

Please help. we don't know what to do.

My eldest DD (12) has been stealing from me & possibly DH. Not sure how long its gone on for but had difinitive proof this morning.

Had money and odd bits of jewellery/make up going missing for a while but never suspected DD as I idolise her. We are very close, have 2 other DDs (8yo - autistic & hard work, & 22 month old) I just put the missing bits down to me being scatty as I'm expecting DC4! She is very well behaved aside from normal teenage moods at times.

We've just moved area/school & shes gone from an all girl grammar school for higher achievers, to a normal mixed high school. She loves it there and has settled really well But the missing bits have been going on since WELL before we moved. She has however, already changed in her attitude. She lies readily & seems to disregard mush of what we say.

Went to collect DH from night shift this morning and DD stayed home for 20 mins to get ready for school (straighten hair etc!). When I arrived home I went to use our en suite and her make up bag was on the carpet in my room. We have a strict rule...NOBODY is allowed in our room, its the only place thats ours and we can relax in. So shes been in there while I've been out. Had a sneak peek in the bag & found MY make up, nail varnish & money which was in DHs bedside draw. None of which she has a right to touch.

I am steaming angry. Hurt. Shocked. And not sure how to deal with it. 2 things I won't tolerate are lying and stealing. We are a strict household in the sense that she has to do her chores in order to earn the £20 pocket money & £15 phone credit each month. We do punish bad behaviour by taking away her mobile, giving her more jobs etc. But I am so angry I actually wanted to give her a smack ...something we NEVER do. Thank god DH was here to calm me down.

PLEASE does anyone have ideas of how to effectively deal with this? I want her to get the message hard and fast that we will not put up with this, and put the shockers up her to deter her in future.

PS...I stole when I was 8, a packet of mini toffos from the corner shop and I had the shoeing of my life from my dad all those years ago. Never stole again! lol. I wonder if the world is too soft now....

Sorry for the long post x

I was naughty at that sort of age & went through a spate of nicking my sisters stuff.

A chat with her should snuff it out - just explain how hurt you feel, that the trust between you two has been bruised & that she should reflect on her actions & come talk to you again when she has had time to think. Encourage her to find the guilt within, that should do the trick.

Then when she does 'get it', you can hug her, tell her she's still learning what's acceptable & what's not & you'll help her every step of the way.

I know when my Mum busted me for it, I needed a massive hug afterwards!

I was also naughty at that age, stealing the small change from my parents bedside drawers....and we were forbidden from going into their rooms. I think some of it was the adrenaline rush of being in the room, when I knew I'd be in trouble if I got busted and it was good to have some extra cash to splash.

Maybe try approaching it with some humour...ie, if she is taking money/makeup/things from the same place each time....put a post-it note there with a message like 'Sorry, someone was here yesterday and took all the money...'. Might be enough to let her know you are on to her, and guilt her into stopping :)

This must be really difficult for you.

I'm sure sure i have any real advise, only when i was a little older than your DD about 14, i did similar things, possibly i didn't understand quite how wrong it was, taking things from your parents didn't seem like stealing to me. I'd also gone from a top school to a local mainstream school. All i can tell you is that i was bored at my new school, and i wanted so much to be like all the cool children who were going out and doing those things my parents wouldn't allow.

All i can say is approach the subject gently with dd, Obviously make sure she gives back anything she's stolen. Including any money. If she's spent it, then ask her to either do extra chores or take a little out her pocket money each week.
My mum came down hard on me, too hard, bought a lock for her bedroom door (which my younger sister also had a key too) so i was the only one who couldn't get in there. It totally broke the relationship i had with my mum.
I'd suggest maybe seeing if you can find out why she's taking things? I know you'd probably want to fly of the handle and ground her for about a year, take away her mobile & tell her she's never have pocket money again (yes i'm exaggerating)but i really think that a sensitive approach will help. Talking about it should do the world of good (i hope)

I really hope you get back on track

I have name changed for this

I stole lots of money from my parents when I was your DDs age. I did it mainly because I wanted the money to buy sweets and magazines, we (us kids) were very restricted in what we were allowed to buy/have. Pocket money was almost non-existent.

After 2/3 years of doing this, I upped the amount I was taking, to notes instead of coins. I knew they knew, but since they didn't tackle me over it, it turned into a 'game' for me. Maybe they were trying to 'give me rope' sort of thing, but I didn't care. I was getting free money and no-one cared. I looked on it as since they didn't care what I did, then I would 'pay myself' in love and kindness

I regularly stole until I was 16. Varying amounts of cash. I bought cigarettes, beers, Pernod. All this time no-one said a thing to me!!!

Eventually, mum left me a note in my bedroom. She explained she had known about my 'habit' (which it was by now) and the financial implications of it.

But by this time, it was too late for me. I had spent the last 4 years believing my parents didn't care enough about me to stop me.

We have an appalling relationship still now.

I know this is purely anecdotal, and these sort of posts aren't always the most helpful, but please OP, talk to your DD in as open and as honest way as possible. People don't always steal because they want the money and the reason isn't always obvious.

hth and good luck

I suspect that DS1 (nearly 14) has been taking bits of money out of my purse.... It wasn't a huge amount of money, a couple of pounds here and there, but all the same if you are expecting to have change in your purse and then it is gone...

My handbag always used to be in the dining room - easily accessible. I have now moved it out of sight.

Btw, he doesn't go without, gets pocket money etc so I think it must be a teenager thing?

Thank you so much everybody for your replies.

It is so tough to know the correct course of action as I don't want to mess it up by being over-hard or be too leniant and give her the impression that its not serious.

DH is furious and is demanding that we take all of her luxuries away and let her realise how lucky she is to have them. Or get our friend (a police officer) to talk to her about the consequences of stealing! He had a very strict upbringing as did I and it certainly didn't harm us. But I'm a little softer.

She has 'helped herself' to my things before and I've always said its disrespectful not to ask, and how would she feel if her sister took her things. I've also said if she asks me I'll likely say yes, but she also needs to realise that she can't always get what she wants. I think they need boundaries! She is aware of my feelings over stealing and I've told her many times that I can deal with most things but that stealing can hurt others and damage trust. So I am certain that she knows her actions are very wrong. She has her own money & make up so its not that she needs to steal them. But she will lie if I ask her about it, i'm certain!

I just wonder whether a little firmer action is necessary given that she is not a 'young' 12 year old and talking to her about this sort of behaviour has obviously not had any effect.

I suppose I want her to realise that there are consequences for the actions we activley decide to carry out?

Or am I just expecting too much wanting her to respect her parents...god knows

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. I'd second what other posters are saying about talking to her about it up front and honestly. Can you and your DH take her out, just her, and talk to her about it? Explain that you know what she's doing and that it has to stop.

I have to admit that I was always more affected by the 'we're not angry, just sooo disappointed' treatment when I was treated as an adult rather than a child.

She probably thinks that you aren't noticing what she's doing. Can you tot up how much she's pinched and talk it through with her, working out how she can 'pay you back'? Perhaps a serious talking to, and some consequences, will help to put a stop to it? And if it doesn't, then you can escalate your response?

cakeywakey I may try that actually, and sort of mix all the approaches suggested by everyone! I feel there needs to be a consequence so getting her to do extra chores is an option. She is due her pocket money Friday, town with her friends shopping on Saturday and has a birthday meal to go to and I'm so tempted to cancel it all this time.

I do feel that if she does this, its addressed and then I go and give her immediate money & freedom to go out and enjoy herself, the opportunity for her to reflect will be lost as she'll be more focusing on having fun?!

My DH is also going to be hard to calm down ! He's very old school and is fair but very firm when someone breaks trust. lol

I have had similar problems with DD. She is also a "star" child: very bright, popular, confident, athletic...

When I nicked stuff as a kid (and I did) it was almost a pushing boundaries thing, becaus I was such a "good" girl in other respects, I wonder if my DD is like me, just giving in to this one naughty impulse.

My thoughts are:
makeup, nail varnish: does she have money to buy her own, are they valuable? I wouldn't make an big issue about low value toiletries. Still scold her about going in your room, and try to find a way for her to make amends (she could pay for replacements?), but they are probably not a huge deal.

Money: that is a big deal and a complete violation. I wonder if you could dock her pocket money for everything you think she stole. She needs to make amends both in actions and words (a verbal apology); but once she's done that (and try to make sure she can finish the making amends within 6 weeks or so) then try to give her a chance to start afresh (with a clean slate).

The thing that really stands out here is how much you need her to be the one without problems because you have enough on your plate already and how hard it has hit you that she is not.

I recognise this because I have been in a very similar situation. My dd has always been an extremely demanding child: physical disability, anxiety, depression, panic attacks. When her younger brother was diagnosed with the same condition, my first reaction was "no, I can't be doing with this, I need you to be fine, you mustn't!". And then I remembered my own childhood and how my Mum always needed me to be the one who could cope, because she had her hands full with my younger brother and my elder brother. She was very very loving towards me, very appreciative of me, but all the same it did put a strain on me- I felt I simply couldn't be allowed to be difficult because that niche had been filled.

It may be that your dd is simply being naughty and a straight talking to will sort her out. But it could also be that she feels under pressure and resentful of her position as the child who always has to be the rock.

Whatever you do, I would not push the broken-trust talk too far: you do want to show her that this behaviour is bad, but you do not want her to get the idea that trust is now irretrievably damaged: that can be very dangerous for a child her age, she might end up thinking it doesn't matter what she does now.

I'd probably be firm and pragmatical about the sanction, then have the gentle talk about how we all make mistakes and that she is still learning. And make it absolutely clear that once this is sorted, it really will be a clean slate.

I agree with cory re: clean slate. That's so important (assuming she stops of course).

I really feel for you

I would sit her down, show her the things you have found and then tell her that this is her opportunity to come clean about anything else she has taken. It is also time for explanations and genuine apologies.

If she is not totally truthful- you know her well enough to be able to tell- then I would come down hard because she would be trying to wriggle out of taking responsibility.

I think you would be right to cancel her plans for this weekend.

Seeking attention is understandable in some circumstances, but she knows that stealing is wrong.

Then again, if she is not totally truthful it could be because something is really upsetting her.

Well I dont think taking the make-up is a big deal - quite honestly I dont see the big deal in that - at least she isnt stealing it from boots or something. She is nearly a teen, and maybe feels more mature wearing the make-up you wear - afterall we all emulate our mothers at that age dont we? Try not to focus on this when telling her off.

Stealing money and jewellry, however, is a big deal for me. That is unacceptable. You need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. I think you need to have a stern word with her, and ask her why she feels the need to steal money, when she has enough already? It's a tough one - but definitely dont treat this lightly.
I dont think asking a policeman to talk to her is a good idea - she is at a very vulnerable age, and may get even more out of hand knowing that you've told an "outsider" about her naughty behaviour- I know I hated it when my mother shouted at me or told her friends I had been naughty - once I even cut up her clothes when she told me off infront of her friends because I felt so victimised and angry .

Having a stern word with her and asking her to open up will be the best way forward I think. Teenage girls are very hormonal and can get rebellious (i know i did). Just tell her to explain why she's doing this, and tell her this is her final warning. Next time something goes missing and you find out it is her who has taken it, there will be serious consequences, like no mobile credit or money for 3 months.

Good luck

There is so much good advice for me to work with. I'm just glad I didnt deal with it this morning when I discovered it. I think I'd have been too cross to be calm, as it is DD has no clue that I know! So there is ample opportunity to create a situation where I can discuss it with her calmly. Much better for my bp too!

ragged thats a good point about the makeup etc, but she uses the same as me! I often pick up bits for her when I stock up & if not she gets bits for Birthdays etc. I'm most annoyed that she has nicked my bloomin Touche Eclat so I'm walking round with eyebags thinking I've misplaced it!!

cory as much as its tough reading one or 2 things you say do hit home if I'm honest . She has a hard time of it in terms of DD2s problems but I also make sure she is prioritised enough, i.e. going out shopping/to dinner with just her, allowing her priveleges the others don't get. She also has support & involvment in excellent activities via the carers service for siblings of children with disabilities as I worry about the effect on her .

marriednotdead I agree with the approach of giving her a chance to redeem herself by being honest and I hope I can spot if she lies!

Whilst I agree that certain rebellious behaviour is acceptable I just have a fear that if its not sorted it may well escalate into shops etc. I also have a huge problem with her going in our room. The draws she has been through to take my make up also house some 'personal' items of mine and DHs and I don't feel I should have to allow our privacy to be broken. Like I say our room is our only haven where we can be unclothed, have some time together etc without kids barging in!! We barely have 2 mins together anyway, hence the rule!!

Something else has sprung to mind as it happens...we had a conversation last week about her friends...she had been for a 2 day sleepover and when she arrived back she mentioned how her friends all have iPhones, flatscreen tvs in their rooms, free 24 access to facebook & one of them gets £100 per month pocket money. I asked how she felt and she said it wasn't fair.

The issue is, as I gently explained to her, WE can't afford all those things!! We've just bought a brand new 4 bed house & a 7 seater car! I'm on maternity leave highly pregnant with DC4 and we have 3 children! She has a laptop, touch screen mobile, lovely new clothes & boots (often the same as mine!) all new bedroom furniture and freedom. But she does have to earn her money as I want her to grow up with good morals and strong work ethics. Could this all stem from jealousy of her friends???? I'm not prepared to get into debt so she can 'keep up' with her friends. But I honestly can't think of any other reason.

Hmmmmmmm

Frankly she sounds very lucky! But everything's relative, I suppose, and if her friends have masses of "stuff" then she might feel hard done by.

Touche Eclat for a 12-year-old! What's wrong with Rimmel Hide-the-Blemish ?!

I am sure you do everything you can to support your dd, clouiseg. At the same time, sometimes they will feel under pressure for reasons that can be hard to do anything about (thinking of dd who hit ds hard with her crutch when he was diagnosed, because she couldn't bear the thought of him needing attention that she felt she needed- and yet she loves him dearly- she was about your dd's age, too).

You need to clamp down on this behaviour, but at the same time I don't think you need necessarily worry that it is going to escalate outside the home, it may be a need to get back at you.

As for her friends' spending money, I don't think you have any choice but to stick to your guns, though at the same time acknowledging to her that it must make life awkward.

I would probe about these friends, though. Could it be that they are semi-bullying her or even putting her up to it? How much social pressure is she under to conform, is it just jealousy or could it be a fear of losing her position in the group? You still can't give into it, evidently, but if you knew a bit more you might be able to help her deal with it if there is a problem.

lol gramercy!!!

Exactly my point...if I have to work my backside off to help support my family & wait til I'm in my 30s to get Touche Eclat she DAMN well isn't using it! She does have her own cheaper version (collection 2000...!) She had a lot more than many of her friends in the last school as they weren't allowed to wear make up etc...very Hogwarts!

But in response to you cory I think you're spot on. She is now at a school where quite honestly they can do what they hell they like! An issue for parents like us who still like boundaries and a little old fashioned moralistic parenting . She has only just moved here so I would put it down to fitting into the new group except that as I said I had noticed things before, just lacked the proof to approach her. I feel that the position in the family is perhaps the root of the problem. That said I had a HIDEOUS upbringing but never stole after my toffo foray lol. And she is truly blessed in comparison I have just called her support worker with the carers service to make her aware and see if she can maybe get DD to open up a little more.

Do you think that the older generation are correct in what they say that kids today dont realise how lucky they are?

Once again thank you all for taking the time to help me. x

I don't think this is at all to do with how much material things her friends/she has... this is about attention- you said she had a sibling with a disability, a toddler sibling, and about to have a newborn too!

I think she is feeling pushed out, resentful of having to be the well-behaved child, the responsible child, the high achiever etc and wants the attention that this behaviour brings- negative attention is still attention.

"Do you think that the older generation are correct in what they say that kids today dont realise how lucky they are?"

Nope, I think I was incredibly lucky compared to my children: no disability, no chronic illness, no stress, no constant pressure from school about performance or attendance because they would lose money if I failed to come up to scratch. I'd do anything to give my dcs what I had

But obviously, it's all about individual experience: I was lucky in being healthy and having supportive parents and a stable family life. My dcs have the supportive parents and stable family life, but not the rest.

What I don't think does anyone any good is the expectation that they have to be thankful and extra good because they haven't had bad experiences that the previous generation had. That kind of expectation breeds resentment. I have always felt that any bad experience that I've had is mine to deal with, not to affect how I think about my children. Otherwise I'd end up permanently guilty about my own happy childhood, because it was much easier than that of my parents.

Horrible for you.

When i was 12 I started stealing coins from my mums purse. My parents were very strict on what we spent our pocket money on (no sweets, no make up), and what i really wanted was sweets (and later make up).

We were never allowed sweets much (a digestive was a treat), my mum cooked lovely home cooked meals. But I just had an overriding hunger for sweets, and also the freedom to have some money for me to spend how I please without having to justify it.

I started taking bigger amounts and was found out, I must have been 13, and always such a "good girl" (this idealised image my parents had of me actually grated sometimes, oddly as that may sound).

My parents had a serious chat with me: "Your father and I are distraught! Our daughter a THIEF!". I wish the earth would swallow me up and I thought I would never be able to undo the bad...

After that, I stopped taking money for a year, but the habit crept back in. I ended up wanting make-up and earrings (my mum hates girly girls so I wasn't allowed any)and also junk food and masses of sweet (I was the kind of lanky kid that never put on weight an always hungry).

I knew I was bad but couldn't stop it. I still feel embarrassed about having done it.

I have never stolen from anyone else ever. I am your average law abiding citizen.

I cannot really explain it, so I am not sure this post helps. Essentially I wanted more autonomy and freedom. And bloody sweets. they were like an addiction. ( Maybe sugar is a drug...)

CaptainNancy I do see where you are coming from without a doubt. Perhaps that is an issue but in a sense I don't feel that would be the sole cause iykwim? I have a (very dear) friend who is a Social Worker with one daughter. She has every material item you could imagine, but she has no time for her!
The poor girl literally spends all her time in her room or with friends. In comparison - despite having the other 2, soon to be 3 (!) I spend every evening with her alone when the other 2 are in bed. Once a month we go out together, and we have a good chinwag & giggle everyday. I feel she has a good deal of my time. I will bear it in mind though when we have a chat...!

Cory again I see your point but I was leaning more towards that fact that many of the previous generation(s) didnt have the vast material goods available now. I.e. mobile phones, laptops etc. I used to get by being occupied with the most mundane passtimes but I was a very grateful child despite the poor parenting I experienced. Luxuries were not something I had access to but a lot of my friends did! Whilst I agree I also think that my childhood experiences shape who I am as a parent, and it can be a good thing to use examples to impart some of your knowledge upon your children. I'm just clueless in this particular area of expertise which is why I find your responses so valuable!!

chandon ty for your honesty. Can I ask, in hindsight, is there anything that you feel WOULD have stopped you in your tracks?

I do feel a little miffed that I try sooooo hard to be a good, balanced mum and yet I struggle with something so common . There is always the underlying instinct though that regardless of the reason behind the stealing, the message needs to be made crystal clear that it is not acceptable or excusable. This is where that non existant book of how to be the perfect parent would come in handy lol!

x

Hi there,

Just a thought that occurred to me when reading your post, not really in regard to the money but to the make up and jewelery.
When I was younger I had a really bad sense of what 'possession' meant. I guess I was working it out for myself but was particularly bad at understanding what it meant for others. This lead to misunderstandings with relatives when ,for example, I would think I was borrowing something (like makeup, clothes etc.) from someone when to them it just seemed like I was stealing it. I found it very hard to get my head around why they would be upset when I knew that I had every intention of giving the item back. I also felt no sense of ownership about my own possessions (I still don't actually!). It has taken a lot of growing up for me to realise how other people feel about the things they own.
Now, perhaps this has no relevance at all to your daughter but I know that neither of my parents ever thought to talk to me about the concepts of possession and ownership and theft and it was something I found deeply confusing. Talking to them about it might have helped.
Personally I would think that avoiding being too accusatory until you have talked seriously and understood her motivation is very important. The erosion of trust between myself and my mother over things like this has been so damaging to our relationship and we are only now starting to iron it out.

I see what you mean about earlier generations not having the same things, but then it's all relative. My generation was vastly overprivileged compared to my grandfather's - but tbh I don't know how much humility that taught me. The other way you might look at it is that my generation was overprivileged because there were fewer things to feel pressure about: nobody could tease me for not owning an IPad or a laptop, because nobody else did either.

Either way, I am trying to accept that even being the very best mum I can be doesn't necessarily mean that dcs are going to be without problems. I had a very privileged childhood with firm and loving parents, I think I learnt a lot from them- I still have one child who has been self-harming and another one who is about to start CAHMS treatment for low self-esteem issues. I can't protect them from everything in life, nobody ever can. I can only do my best to help them overcome any problems.

I too was stealing small change from my parents bedside draw at that sort of age. Again I think it was the freedom to buy sweets and stuff. I never actually got caught and so was never reprimanded but I grew out of it fairly quickly (I think when I got a paper round) and would never dream of stealing anything now.