12 year old stealing from us...what the HECK do we do?

[clouiseg]

Hello everyone

Please help. we don't know what to do.

My eldest DD (12) has been stealing from me & possibly DH. Not sure how long its gone on for but had difinitive proof this morning.

Had money and odd bits of jewellery/make up going missing for a while but never suspected DD as I idolise her. We are very close, have 2 other DDs (8yo - autistic & hard work, & 22 month old) I just put the missing bits down to me being scatty as I'm expecting DC4! She is very well behaved aside from normal teenage moods at times.

We've just moved area/school & shes gone from an all girl grammar school for higher achievers, to a normal mixed high school. She loves it there and has settled really well But the missing bits have been going on since WELL before we moved. She has however, already changed in her attitude. She lies readily & seems to disregard mush of what we say.

Went to collect DH from night shift this morning and DD stayed home for 20 mins to get ready for school (straighten hair etc!). When I arrived home I went to use our en suite and her make up bag was on the carpet in my room. We have a strict rule...NOBODY is allowed in our room, its the only place thats ours and we can relax in. So shes been in there while I've been out. Had a sneak peek in the bag & found MY make up, nail varnish & money which was in DHs bedside draw. None of which she has a right to touch.

I am steaming angry. Hurt. Shocked. And not sure how to deal with it. 2 things I won't tolerate are lying and stealing. We are a strict household in the sense that she has to do her chores in order to earn the £20 pocket money & £15 phone credit each month. We do punish bad behaviour by taking away her mobile, giving her more jobs etc. But I am so angry I actually wanted to give her a smack ...something we NEVER do. Thank god DH was here to calm me down.

PLEASE does anyone have ideas of how to effectively deal with this? I want her to get the message hard and fast that we will not put up with this, and put the shockers up her to deter her in future.

PS...I stole when I was 8, a packet of mini toffos from the corner shop and I had the shoeing of my life from my dad all those years ago. Never stole again! lol. I wonder if the world is too soft now....

Sorry for the long post x

Cory I agree with you there. And also have heavy involvment with CAMHS for DD2, constantly find my self reflecting upon how I can improve as a mum, but then to a degree I wonder if I expect too much of myself as well lol.

An update on the situ, I havent approached DD about it yet, really trying to get it straight in my head how to proceed iyswim.

Had a large debate with DH the other day as he wanted definitive proof that she has stolen money recently, this is more important to him than the make up! After trying to resolve things I relented, tbh I haven't the energy to argue at the moment. I'm big & pregnant, tired & hormonal etc and would rather focus on how to effectively deal with this.

Anyway, DH put my purse on the kitchen side before bed with a set amount of money in it. When I went for a shower this morning and came back down it was gone. £5 in coins. I checked DDs pocket while she was in the loo, it was all there. Very hard to put it back, but I did as I dont feel dealing with it just before school is a good idea. I have tallied up what has gone missing and in money alone its 30 odd pounds in 2 weeks between DHs £2 coin collection in his draw, and my purse. So at least we have a figure to work with & absolute proof. Will be dealing with it this pm

Ah you poor thing, it is going to be hard, isn't it? Hopefully a good long talk can come out of it.

If I think what would have stopped me, it would have to have been to be able to earn some money in some way. Money that I would not have to explain HOW I spend it and that wouldn't have to be spent on clothes or school stuff IYSWIM. I got pocket money, but my mum knew how I spent it, and "controlled" it really. I couldn't use it for sweets or make up.

Problem is, 12 is very young. If I could have earned a bit of cash helping someone in their garden, walking the dog, or doing a paper round like some of my friends did, that would have probably stopped me.

I was desperate for some independence and most of all for not having to justify how I spent the cash I had. It's not an easy age to be, really, is it? Not a child anymore, not a grown up by far, and cutting lose from your parents bit by bit...

good luck clouiseg with the chat.

maybe it is good to have a chat about having found it out, and how cross (a bit of anger is fair I'd say!) and hurt you are, ask why does she do it etc.

And when it has sunk in a bit, maybe later this week have a talk on how she could earn some money for herself...?

Hope you have a good chat.

I was stealing at that age - my parents, grandmother and friends parents too. I think I was stealing love - my Dad was authoritarian, my Mum was ill(she died when I was 17), my brother had behavioural problems. I remember police being involved, and the school.

It was as if I was emotionally disconnected. I had no empathy and no conscience. I still dont fully understand the person I was then.

What completely changed things was the child therapist I saw (recommended through SW I think). Dont know what he did, but he was wonderful. He somehow enabled me to see that my actions had consequences, and that they hurt people I cared about, and how much would I like it if it were me?

These days if a shop assistant gives me too much change, or I accidentally walk out without paying for something I have to go straight back

So - to sum up for you OP - IMO it seems your DD is stealing as a means of expressing some unhappiness, instead of outright bad behaviour - that was the way I went about it. I was a "good" girl, polite and helpful, well compared to my bro anyway.
Could your DD be feeling a bit marginalised by the arrival of DC4? FWIW It does seem like you have a good relationship with her and will be able to sort this out!

MadameOvary

Thankyou for your reply. We talked about DC4 very early on and she was sooooo excited, has had a lot of involvement, coming to scans, MW appts etc. Something she loves doing! She also got to choose babys name & she seems more excited than me! But to be fair this doesnt mean that she is not feeling a little fearful so will see if she brings it up

cory thank you x

Chandon I think you have a fair point. Before we moved a hairdresser friend of mine used to let her help sort her trolley for money. But then she complained that she wasn't getting enough!! lol

What we do at home is I put £15 a month on her mobile (gets £45 on a triple credit tesco thing! And uses EVERY penny chatting to her mates !)

Plus any extras from grandparents, special occasions etc.

She also gets her set pocket money monthly, which was increased when she went up a year in sept. HOWEVER...she has a list of jobs she has to do to earn the money (as I said I think a good work ethic starts early!).

She washes up, empties the bin & keeps her room clean (sort of!). She knows that if she doesnt she gets pocket money reduced. She also gets extra if she volunteers to do a job for me/DH/GPs i.e a bit of gardening etc. I did recently dock some of her pocket money... I'd bought her a new coat from Next which she liked - and after 3 weeks DIDN'T like anymore! So she lost it (but I found out after she had done it on purpose!) so I docked £15 from her towards the cost of a new one as I felt she had no regard for what I had spent on it! I would love to think that this action could have been partially responsible, but the stealing has been going on for much longer .

She is due home from school soon and I am a little nervous (stupid I know!) about confronting her....!! But in a sense am looking forward to getting things out in the open.

Incidentally saw my MW today and Bp is sky high!! She told me to try to reduce the stress in my life & relax more....hahaaaaaaa!! My response was a tight smile & a comment of "now if I could JUST remember where I left my magic wand...!" Grrrrr!

Update for everyone...

We had 'the chat' last night and firstly I wish to commend myself on how calm I was!! lol.

I had collected up all of the bits I found that she currently has and put them all in a bag on the dining table...and sat her down away from everyone in the dining room. I had actually caught her in my room (!) about half hour before so it was the perfect opening to start the chat!

I basically asked her to be honest with me and tell me everything. She fairly quickly realised that I had a collection of things in the bag which I bought out one at a time so she had to come clean as she was unsure what else was in there!!

She absolutlely denied everything several times but my assurances that the consequences would be worse if she lied soon sorted that out. She admitted everything.

She has been stealing from us for well over a year . I truly had no idea it was that long. She admitted she has stolen from the car, the house, my purse, DHs wallet, our draws, everywhere. I feel really stupid because I truly had no idea how much she had taken. She even admitted to an incident where DD2 was punished for stealing some money 6 months ago...she said she lied to get away with it & planted the money on her sister. I feel so bad for DD2

I did ask her the reason for why she felt the need to steal. I said it was an opportunity for us to talk and share if there was anything bothering her so we can sort it out. But she plainly told me that the reason she stole from us was because she wanted the make-up / money. Apparently the first time she did it was when I had a bottle of D&G perfume bought for me. She wanted some too (I remember the convo!) and I said I couldnt afford to buy such expensive perfume but I said she could use mine on special occasions provided she asked. That bottle went missing and I thought I had misplaced it!!! She says that after that she thought she could take whatever she wanted even though she had her own money/make up etc but she was aware that it was wrong when she was doing it.

I told her how hurt I am etc. She has been issued with a punishment of paying back the money she has taken by doing the jobs we give her. She has also had all weekends with friends/parties/etc & pocket money stopped until afterwards. We'll buy her anything she NEEDS. She'll take a packed lunch to school with snacks/drinks etc instead of money. Plus NO access to our room at all! It may seem harsh but given the length of time its gone on I think I needed to up the ante slightly!

I also assured her that once the punishment is complete, we will move on from it and never mention it again. She did look very guilty. And came to me & DH to give us a kiss afterwards. DH was great as he let me deal with it but after she had gone I had a good cry!! lol.

To be honest I am shocked I didnt notice it before. I asked DH if its a sign that I dont have enough time to pay attention to what shes doing but he feels its more that I 'refused' to see that she would do anything like that and I issued him with an apology. He has tried to tell me a few times that he suspects her of stealing but I have fiercly protected her and argued with him . So humble pie all round! But at least he's supporting the way I dealt with it bless him!

So a HUUUUUUGE thank you to you all for your advice, it really helped shape an effective way of dealing with her. I appreciate it so very much. XXX

I think you handled it really well!

Glad you've done this, not least for your peace of mind! Hope everything works out

chandon & madame thank you so much. X

Well done you! And yes lkke chandon said, you have handled it very well

bellavita....ty!

Haven't read all the posts but 'teenagetealeaf' made me cry! Also made me realise we have to do something right now.

We suspect that my 11-yr-old MS is stealing money and also has a habit of 'swapping' fountain pens, as he seems to come home with a different one each week from school.

Yesterday I put a load of coins into a coin sorter we have in our room for holding loose change. I wrote down how much of each coin was in there and lo and behold, there's already £9 in pound coins missing!

He keeps going on about how much he has left to save for a toy he really wants. As well as the suspected stealing, he does seem very entrepeneurial as he is now walking the dogs for me twice a day for 50p a time [£1 if it rains!!] and has sold some video games too to raise cash. I want to punish his stealing, but encourage his business acumen! Maybe I need to sit with him and explain that we suspect him and also to explain the difference between the right way to raise cash [working] and the wrong way [stealing]. I also worry that he will be expelled from his school as they take a very dim view indeed of such behaviour.

Time for a heart-to-heart...

clouiseg - just read your last post - I definitely need that chat!! Well done to you both!