more 11 year old boy problems - it's ruining our family :(

[dreamsofsea]

Sorry, very ong desperate post. Ds1 is 11. He used to be so good. So so good. Pleasant clever funny, friendly, a bit serious and sensitive.

In the last few months he has changed so much. He is so negative and spoilt and unpleasant to everyone and it is now really spoiling our family life. Now his standard way of talking to his brothers is an automatic rude, bitchy, condescending comment. Every time. It is depressing to be around them.

It seems to be infectious and very often all 3 automatically argue or disagree with each other just for nothing. Usually it's nonsense. "What's more powerful, the sun or a space rocket. The sun. No you're wrong, a sapce rocket is because...."

He cannot talk to his db with out being rude, sarcastic and unpleasant. eg this morning he tips all my tea bags on the work surface to take the box to school. I ask what he wants it for, he explains doing boxes, rectangle, cubes etc in maths. His db, ds2 exclaims in happy voice that's a coincidence, that's what he's doing too. Ds1 makes rude bitchy reply. No reason. Constant negativity and bickering.

Mornings are particularly bad for bitching and bickering. I am constantly repremanding them all and in the end usually have to have a talking ban just to stop them arguing. So every morning is miserable.

Ds1 got a letter home from school last week. Very serious warning from school. He's insolent, rude, cheeky, disruptive. (Unbelievable change since last year, which was totally the other end of the spectrum. He made it into grammar school and seems to have morphed into a smart arsed arrogant monster :( )

DH furious. He's on a 1 month computer and Ipod ban. Every now and then ds1 makes a sarcastic comment (none of his friends got punished for the same letter home from school), we've got no right to take his ipod off him.

It now feels like I am constantly fighting with him or punishing him. He is constantly fighting with his siblings. At w/e ds2 was away. For the first time in ages he played with ds3 loads, really really nicely. I even commented to dh as it was remarkable, and praised ds1 for behaving so well. I let him earn a half an hour go on computer as a reward. Later in week, ds3 mentions them playing. Ds1 replies he only played with him cos ds2 gone. ds3 crushed :( Nasty comment for no reason.

This morning ds2 looking for t-shirt. Dh finds ds1 physically attacking him. Dh extends the computer ban by 2 days. On leaving, ds2 says something to him , ds1 shouts 'shut your face' , dh extends the computer ban by another day.

Constant negativity, rudeness and punishments. A total change, like night and day in the last few months.

Home life is stressful and miserable. How do I turn this around? How do I stop the mean, bitchy, condescending comments and bickering?

My 11 years old son is facing some drastic changes in his life. He was a very silent, mischieficous, good natured, loving, caring, happy, bright child and use to regularly go to school. But since last 2 month there has been drastic change in his behaviour. He doesn't want to go to school, every morning he gets up and gets ready to go to school but as soon as I or my mom tell him to go he start wailing and crying for not going to school. I am really worried that why does he do so. This is going on since past 2 to 3 weeks. I enquired with the school authorities and teachers, with his friends in school there is absolutely no issues or problems. He wants to study but he himself is unable to understand why he does not feel going to school or sitting and home and studying. Even now he has stopped going to his daily tuitions. He says he doesn't feel like going to school but simultaneously misses his school and friend. People I know say since this stage is a growing stage there are some changes which appear in a child. All his teachers and principal had talk with him. He gives them assurance that he will come to schools from tommorrow but the other day again the same issue takes place.

I have no idea what is going on through him some say to show him to a good pshyciatrist, but i think when whole day my son is normal and there is no other mental tension which may reflect that he needs and pshyciatric treatment, afterall he is just a 11 year old kid. Since I am scared that if I keep pestering him to go to school he may lose his mental balance due to which I have stopped pressing him to go to school and have left every thing on time. Even his school principal has assured me that I need not worry about his school exams or studies since he is not in a high grade yet to take so much worry.

Please kindly give me some suggestions what am I to do in such a situation.

Hi,

Would desperately like to know how this all ended. I am now facing exactly the same as your DS1. My DS2 has gone off the rails in last three weeks. The atmosphere in the home is very intense and impacting DS1, DS3 and my 80 year old mum who lives with me.

I've read all the way through and didn't realise it was an old thread.

I hope the OP's still around to update us.

There's a book that was recommended to me '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child' - which gives you strategies on how to deal with this sort of behaviour. It gives you insights into what is going on with your child, and shows you how to modify YOUR behaviour, in order to change your child's behaviour.

I found it really good - although I didn't follow the 10 day malarkey. I read half the book one day, took some inspiration from the ideas and implemented them, and then read the other half over the next few days.

Ah sod it, didn't realise it was an old thread either!!!

I'm a secondary school teacher and see these children transform. He will get better. It's all just a 'phase'! It could be hormones. It could also be something else like bullying? Wishing you lots of luck- trust me you are not alone.

Bumping an older thread, but advice relevant to me here.

I was at doctors today with 11 year olds similar sleep problems, and the limited hour on Xbox after school was way to go per GP.

Exercise though doctor said should not be over stimulating. I was surprised at that advice, but on reflection now he takes even longer to get to sleep after being out at football training in the evenings.

Was advised no calpol or any medicine, as kid would come to rely on it, and stress about it if not got one night. Also advised to encourage kid to put light on himself after 30 mins and to read for 10 minutes, then try again. Told to go in every 10 minutes and then every 20 mins to check on them, and hope they nod off between checks.

Just passing on doctors advice, and wish you all luck tonight getting DC to sleep.

OLD THREAD.

Would like to know how this all worked out for others.
I am now facing similar with son aged 11 years old.

He sounds unhappy.
Can you spend some 1:1 time away from the house with him.
It could be hormones but if it's at school too its extreme x

Good idea for 1-2-1 time and did that going swimming yesterday and had fun and nice calm chats.
Back around the house though, it's usual warzone now.

Bit young for teenage hormones? He so cheeky and aggressive throwing stuff at his parents almost daily.

Worst blow up ever tonight. Will spare you the details, but I would put him out house it was so bad. Captured clips on mobile phone as fear folk would think we exaggerating otherwise.
3
Any advice from teachers or others to explain!

I'm reading Get out of my Life book and it's really good.

It's so easy to get confused as a parent and think that it's just your kid behaving this way. That it's something extraordinary, unacceptable and 'to be fixed'! After all, your child's mates never talk to you the way that your own teen does! But in fact, every teen behaves differently at home and outside home, and it's their behaviour outside home that is more telling.

Lots of great insights. My kids not teens yet (but will be very soon), and I have a teen niece so recognize a lot of the challenges!

Great thread.

True, every kid behaves differently at home and outside home.

This indeed is a great thread. I going back now to read first 3 pages as need any advice going!

Would love to get an update! My da is only 3, but it's still really interesting (and terrifying) to read about these experiences.

In case the OP is still around - I have read zagazoo!! I am at the elephant stage I guess, with occasional dragon.

Hi, I've just come across your post as I'm at the end of my tether with my 11 year old son. He used to be so loving and caring and knew right from wrong. Now he seems to of lost all of this and I'm worried about where this is going.

I'm blaming myself and not sure what I am doing to cause this and am very stressed by it all.

I found your post and can see is a few years old. .......would love to know if things improved?

Thank you

Am not the OP, but went through a similar miserable wet-blanket time when ds was 10-11. It was like walking around with your own permanent rain cloud: everything was misery and bitterness and cynicism.

The good news is that he has grown into a mature and pleasant 16yo. I think it was a combination of 2 things:

a) hormones

b) a feeling of powerlessness; wanting freedom and independence but not being able to handle it, seeing that there are lots of things that are wrong in this world but feeling unable to do anything about them, being too immature and impatient to understand the small and subtle ways in which adults do work to change the world or keep it ticking over

now that he can make more decisions about his everyday life and sees that he has a choice his future, he is much happier in his own skin

I think a lot of it (apart from hormones) is fear: will I grow up into an adequate adult? do I have to become my parents? (do I want to?), what are my parents really like? (let's poke them and see how they react)

Hello! I realise this is a very long time since you first posted... but I’m intrigued to know how things turned out. I read your post from 2011 and I’m going through almost exactly the same thing with my 11 year old.

My 11 year old is the same been so tierd from starting high school. You know how Iv had to do it is writing out some house rules. Shower by 7pm, in bed by 7:30 reading till 8:15 then sleep. Has worked so far surprisingly!! And he can be extremely difficult.