help - on verge of giving up career after this week.....

[heyelp]

Long story. Will summarise!

I am mum of 2 DCs - DS age 4 (just) and DD age 2 (3 in April). Have been working for big multinational for 15 years - straight from University and have a big career. Am main breadwinner etc. After having DS I really didn't want to go back but went back for 6 months in stress free role and had DD very quickly. That was the plan. Then I had to go back for 6 months after DD to get my maternity pay - get 9 months full pay on condition of going back for 6 months after that. Couldn't afford not to do it.

Full intention of then giving up and moving abroad in my DH's homeland (my DH is from abroad in continental Europe). We spent years planning it. Bought a wreck. Rennovated it etc. Took 6 years. Had it all planned. Went back to work for this 6 months (that got extended to 14 months - which suited us more financially as well) but then I got cold feet about going. Loads of reasons. Didn't feel DH was sorting out the rennovation quickly enough, because the part of the house we were to live in wasn't finished I was nervous about cutting my job etc - remember I had worked all my life and rennovations can come in about double planned (the part we were to live in was the barn and the main house had already been finished - we rent that part out for income). We thought we could scrape by. But then 2 things happened. I really started to enjoy working again. PLUS a new amazing job came up BASED in his homecountry - we could live in the amazing capital city on an expat allowance and it is a dream job for somebody in my profession.

We decided that I would apply and let fate decide. I got the role. Same company etc as I had worked in. Basically we moved in May 2010 - we love living here, the perks are great. My DH looked after both DCs for 6 months to get them settled and he didn't work. Although he was miserable in that role - seeing me in my new role and loving it and him not being suited to stay at home etc. He got a job and started to work in Nov 2010. He loves it and I love it that he is working again as his confidence is a lot higher. He doesn't earn as much but that is not the issue. The fact is he is working and is a lot happier which also makes me happy.

So all sounds great right? But then I always have this nagging doubt about the DCs in the back of my mind. They go to nursery 5 days a week from 8.30am until 3pm. I drop them off and a nanny picks them up. I get home about 7pm. Play for a bit and put them to bed. My job is draining and hard work. I travel a bit - long haul - about once every 2-3 months - will be gone about 3-4 days for that. But the travel is not the issue - it is more the day to day not seeing them and KNOWING them.

Went away this week on hols with mum, DH, sister, sister's DH and her baby - DD age 1. My kids were not great with my niece. She is so sociable and lovely. She tried to join in. My two are very close and just didn't let her play with them. They were quite mean. I was shocked and embarrassed. I disciplined them quietly in private. But it carried on - they weren't aggressive - they just kept saying "no" and "go away" all the time and just said they wanted to play with each other.

My mum was a SAHM and has always thought I should not work as much. My sister works 3 days a week but lives near my mum and is a homebody - I have always been the thrill seeker in the family. Their faces will always remain with me. They looked at me in disgust at my kids behaviour - they don't see them THAT often because we are living abroad.

I don't know what to do. Serious dilemma. Did I make the wrong decision 1 year ago. Should I have not taken the job and stuck to original plan of jacking it all in. I cannot do my job on anything less than full on. It is relentless. I would really have to give up. I don't want to do another role in the same company. I would prefer to retrain and do something entirely different. All made worse because DH is now settling into his new role - but even he says we would really struggle to live where we are on his salary.

ahhhh - don't know what to do. Pls give me some perspective.

PPS They were so adamant that they didn't want to play with me that once they locked me in their cellar for several hours, and when I told the rest of the family they were never told off and everyone thought it was hilarious!

emy72 - our choice of wording has wound each other up, but I think we do essentially agree with each other. I was always the youngest cousin and always felt very acutely the sense of rejection at being judged to be boring merely as a result of my age. I have also watched my own children being ignored when they were too young to be of interest to their older cousins - and then watched the same thing being played out by my own children on their younger cousins. And watched the same thing again for my ds2 when he watched his supposed friends fawning around after his big brother (ds1), because the older child was of more interest to them, whilst self-same big brother tried to get them to go away!

Watching the politics of childhood relationships play out amongst your nearest and dearest is often painful, but it isn't a sign of damaged children, or selfish children, or working mothers, it's pretty normal. So long as you always work hard to show your children how you would like them to behave and why you would like them to behave in this way, you are doing all you can.

Yes we do agree and I also wholeheartedly agree that has nothing to do with being a SAHM or a working parent etc...

We always wind each other up rabbitstew but I do like your posts

ps shocked your family thought it was acceptable that you be locked in a cellar!!!!! The most it ever stretched to with me was being grudgingly allowed to join in with a play my cousins were putting on, but getting killed off in the first 5 minutes! At least I got to die on stage, though...

Hello everyone!

Yes - back from a tough first day back in the office and put kids to bed. Just sitting down reading all the posts. Thank you to everyone for your advice.

Romanholiday - are we the same person! I am in Rome as well and it sounds a similar situation. It is helpful reading about your experience and about everyone else's experiences on here. I love hearing about how everyone else manages it - it is not an easy one for any of us. Thank you all for your posts.

It is hard to know how I can get off the hamster's wheel but I agree with the post that said to make firm concrete plans now and then work towards them. That is exactly what I am going to do. Work towards finishing this contract and getting a balance in what I do and then think about what next. And I do think I would find it hard to go from this to a SAHM immediately - although I did used to like being on maternity leave (I had extended maternity leave each time). Although even on maternity leave I had a project or two going on in the background - you know, plotting starting my own business and doing all the market research for it, getting the rental website written and up and starting, starting to write a book, doing a house renovation etc. So I think (and so does DH) that it is totally unrealistic to think I can stay at home and do nothing business like. That just isn't in my character and in some ways my kids are going to have to grow up seeing my true character or I will be miserable. I guess in the end there isn't one answer - we are all utterly different.

I got home from work tonight and DS had drawn me a gorgeous flower and waited until the nanny had left and got me by myself and gave it to me. He had drawn it specially for me. I guess he knew I was upset at the weekend. So that warmed my heart that I can't be doing that bad a job.

Oh and my mum rang last night - but at the moment I really cannot face talking to her. She wasn't there for me when I really needed her last week and know that when we talk she won't say anything about what happened. It will all be swept under the carpet. I am going to hold my own this time and have some boundaries.

PS emy72 it is nice to hear your side as well. I agree totally with you - it was horrible for me to watch my kids do that. And in some ways that was what made me most upset. That my kids were doing that to my sister's gorgeous little baby and were so mean. The children I had brought up so kindly were being so mean and horrible. It was awful to watch.

And that is why I was SO upset when my sister then said "why don't you say something" because it was as if she was saying that I DIDN'T care what they were doing and thought it was OK. Because I DIDN'T think it was OK - it was just that I had spent 4 days telling them not to do it and they simply didn't take any notice - well they did when they were alone with her but not when together. And that is why she then said "well they obviously don't listen to you then" - which I guess is true - they DON'T listen to me. But it isn't because I am a working mum - it is simply that they didn't take any notice and reverted back to their old natural ways.

Well they DO listen to me most of the time - just not about that thing!!!!

the only thing that would concern me if I were you, is that you don't know your own children well enough to know that at 2 and 4, they are perfectly capable of mean-ness.

Hi have only just read your post but wanted to say it's got nothing to do with you being a working parent.

All dcs can be unsociable, mean, embarrassing at times.

And all mothers and sisters can be judgmental.

They caught you off guard - be ready next time! I go to my mothers ready to snap an appropriate response when required.

4 and 2 is too young to have empathy - empathy is what's required for them to play nicely with a 1 yr old - unless they happen to be really into babies.

Agree that meanness in children of that age is not related to being a working parent. And it is very hurtful to be judged by other family members.

The thing that stands out in your OP is " it is more the day to day not seeing them and KNOWING them." The one thing that got me through many a long day of SAHM-ing was the knowledge that nobody knew my children better than I did. It is a very big deal, IMO. But I know others wouldn't agree.

Sounds like you can't really afford to give up work as you are the breadwinner, so it's a non-issue really. And you like doing it, which is a plus.

Putting kids in nursery from very little isn't my thing, but I honestly don't think your kids' behaviour is anything that different from any other normal kid stuff. All children can be a bit snappy with their peers, forget to say please and thank you.

OP, your life sounds great!

You have a good job that you enjoy, your DH is working, you have relocated to a part of the world you enjoy living in. You get to travel. but not too often.

Yes, you work a long day, but you can afford a nanny and you have some time with children in the evening and time at weekends, I'm sure?
Your life sounds utterly charmed!

There is NO perfect balance. you have to do what works the best...for you and your family. You don't sound like a SAHM type, so embrace your work-life balance and please don't beat yourself up about your kids being mean. Kids go through all sorts of phases, and it has sod all to do with being a working mum or not. Stay firm with your ground rules for behaviour and ensure the nanny does the same...and enjoy yopur life! You are blessed!

Just to add some thoughts ... from another ex-high flier now living abroad with a 4 year old and a 2 year old..... see there are a lot of us about :o

My life was pretty much along the same lines as yours, worked all my life, very well paid job in multinational, a bit of travel before and after kids, 2 short maternity leaves. But then it was my DH who got the once in a lifetime chance of a role abroad and so I gave it up and became a SAHM (and MN Addict - the two are related I fear!) DS who is 4 is in FT school and DD has just started part time nursery as we use french schooling so she will start FT in September and I wanted her to get use to that type of envrionment and in fairness she loves it, even stay at home days she asks about school and her friends there. So thats the background...

On to the feelings, sometimes I love being a SAHM, I have a group of friends in similar situations who I see much more than I saw my friends back home (the expat thing unites you) and I can be closely involved in how the children are brought up. But dear oh lord am I bored! Its a standing joke here that if anyone needs something organised give it to me to do. We're moving again in the summer to another Asian country where it will be much easier to work and I have to confess the first person I called after my own mother, was my ex boss!

If you decide to leave - and btw I think its done me the world of good as a mother, and as a professional in terms of new skills and awareness of what I really want out of a career - then keep an open mind about what you could do project wise. And just an observation but your list of projects on maternity leave sound a little bit clutching at lots of straws and not focusing on one thing - forgive me if I've got that wrong.

Good luck and keep us posted, feel free to PM if you want to chat

Oh and PS your family sound a right pain - we always stay in a hotel or rent a nearby house so we have our own space when we holiday near ours ;)

you are way overthinking this. you have a great life and you want to throw it in because of one week where your kids misbehaved?fwiw we spent a week with two girls of a similar age who were horrid to my one year old and their mum stays at home. But they are all sweet children - its just how kids interact sometimes. Never occured to me to judge their mum's choices on that behaviour.

Hello all

It is so lovely to hear all your experiences. So interesting to hear all your lives and opinions! Interested to hear also about other mums living abroad and others who have made different choices. Yes I DO have a blessed life. I know that. Am so so lucky that we both HAVE work and kids are healthy etc. I have slotted straight back in this week and things are fine. Am spending time with kids in the morning and evening and loving it because DH still away (very unusual for him to go away with his job for this long so I am making the most of time on my own with them in the mornings and evenings). Not even thinking of giving up everything now. I think last week was just a bit of a family nightmare and it is heartening to know that others have the same family issues and simply don't allow themselves to get drawn in. Definitely the new line now.

So I am going to stop fretting again, enjoy what we have and the time we have together and beautiful Rome!