Okay, I need tips and strategies to turn this family around please.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I am here on my knees asking for help with my children's behaviour.
I need to turn this behaviour around becuase I can't cope like this long term.
If I outline the problems, could you suggest tips or your advice, I don't know what to ignore and what not to.

DS1 (6yr old boy)

DS1 has a long term medical condition, it requires a lot of very carefully managed medication/nebulisers and physio.
I also have to spend quite a bit of time in hospital with him.
He attends mainstream school and although it is improving he is quite immature compared to a 'normal' (I hate that word) 6yr old boy.

The problem with him is sheer sillnyess, babyish talk, inappropritae touching (rubbing his face/body all over me/teachers)

Also it is the fact he will go out of his way to wind up his brother and me with silly things, an example if him saying to DS2 'Were eating chicken' when there is quite clearly Pizza on the plate... or 'Your not 4' when DS2 is. Just things like that becuase he knows DS2 will snap.

We also have a problem with him repeating silly noises/faces all the time, still mouthing everything and his inability to keep his attention on anything or to make eye contact, his fine motor skills are also below average. We are waiting for a broard scale assesment for Autism/aspergers and adhd.

DS2 (4yr old boy) is a challenge, he either mumbles to the point that no one can hear him, or shouts really agressivley. We get lots of 'you idiot' when he cant get his own way.
He is fixated by computers and if one isn't availiable he is a nightmre, hanging on my leg, clinging to me ect... he might be pursuaded to colour in pictures for half an hour but generally has no imagination, his nursery teachers say this is a problem.
He cannot cope with being told no and it results in a full scale melt down, hitting, biting and screaming.
He will NOT walk holing hands or on reins and I fear he will be the only child starting reception in September still in a pushchair.

The boys cannot play together, as I say unless there is a computer involved they wander around bored and fight constantly, I cannot turn my head without them being all over each other, wrsetling eachother to the cround... eventually one of them will get hurt and start a proper fist fight.

I KNOW this is all my fault before I get a load of replys saying it, I also know its up to me to turn it around.
I am yet to find a punishment that they care about. We are in a tiny flat with no outside space, there is nowhere to have a 'naughty step' they share a bedroom and putting them there for time out results in it being totally decimated, the walls are a wreck already from them.
They don't respond to star charts unless the reward is something big like an expensive day out or toys.
They have to many toys and have been spoilt, they never play with any of them.
They have sweets and treats far to often.

I find myself just yelling all the time, I have in the past smacked their bottoms out of sheer frustration at not knowing how to combat this behaviour.

They have had unfortunatley through no ones fault had an unsettled upbringing, lots of house moves and thier Nan (my mum) died last year who they were very close to, their Dad moved out 3 weeks ago after a lifetime of arguments.
Help me please.

Wow - sounds like you need supernanny!

The playfighting / sillyness sounds quite normal to me. I would let it go to a point but reign it in when you feel it is getting out of hand / escalating to a point where someone might get hurt.

It does sound like they are a bit spoilt and like they get their own way too much.

With the rewards could you do them daily like offer a small treat each day if they are good. Or flip it if they have lots of toys etc. and take something away for a length of time if they misbehave. This only works though if you are prepared to see it through and don't give in for a quiet life - you have to expect some tantrums and 'its not fair!'

I would start to limit the amount of time your son spends on the computer. I find my DS gets worked up if he has been on the computer and he gets wound up more easily - so I limit his time.

I know you said you have no garden but if you try and get out and about with them to let them run off some steam it might help them to be more calm when they are at home?

It's not easy being a parent especially when you have DCs who are ill but it's easy to make that an excuse for letting them get away with things IYKWIM, but you need to try and be strong and let them know who's in control!

P.S. sorry to hear about your mum and the problems with your other half. Hope things start to improve really soon

I don't think you should say you know it is your fault.

If you are waiting for an assessment for ASD and DS1 does have it, his behaviours are not your fault.

And DS2 could possibly have some traits which might explain his behaviour, which would not be your fault.

Obviously I am not diagnosing them but please don't blame yourself.

Thanks. I'm determined to sort this out.

It has got better since ex left, he was very agressive (vocaly) towards them ut also very protective and paranoid so they wouldn't be allowed to do anything or go out anywhere that was busy ect.

When they ar by themselves they are a LOT easier to manage.

In regards to DS1 the school psych team are saying yes deffinatley ADHD and they think there is something else there to but waiting for an actual assesment from CHAMS is talking an age.
DS2 is completely different it is all sheer agression with him where as DS1 is insecure and clingy.

I say its my fault as I have allowed it to go on for this long and I give into them in regards to sweets and treats and the computer for a quiet life

I am deffinatley going to start doing more with them and we are awaitng rehousing to a bigger place with a garden but it is taking a long time.

Any advice or tips big or small is very welcom at the moment.
I need to make a plan of action of what I'm going to do when they hurt each other or DS2 gets violent.
Im not sure wether to react to DS1's babyish talk and his constant noises, it sounds like nothing but when you here an irritant noise from moring to night it is enough to make me weep and fequently does.

Titsalina

I recognise your desire to take ownership of how this has evolved but step back from that a bit.

Having a child with extra needs does not simply call upon your ability to manage those needs. It also gucks up your parenting because you feel guilty, you second guess yourself, you make excuses and over compensate. And you worry and you feel responsible.

I say that not just to be nice but also to tell you to accept that you do not have an average parenting scenario. You are going to struggle to parent in a routinevway because thevtruth is you don't have routine children.

Feeling like if you do better, they will do better, is very attractive but only partly true. And the bad side of that is that you just end up with more guilt and more frustration.

My advice would be to chose a reward system.
For ds2 time on the computer and presents are Huge inducements to comply.
So if ds1 stops teasing when told (eventually just stops teasing full stop) he gets a token for computer time or for a treat.
Work that with a clear negative. Find one. Make thatvyour priority. They will have one. Find it.

Once you start to feel a bit more in control I suspect they will calm down a bit too.

Yes I could do that, I'm not sure they would be that botheresd, If i put them in the room they just come out, I can't physically hold the door shut, I hvae hypermobility syndrome and last time I trid to hold onto DS2 when he wanted to run he yanked my wrist out the socket.

I need to know how to talk to them, with DS2 If I want to be heard I have to shout becuase he will just scream over me if I don't. Pathetic huh?!

They are just both so full on all the time, I find myself thinking JUST GO AWAY!!!!

How on earth to I respond to being called an idiot several times a day.

Yes I feel really out of control of it which is the hardest part.

It sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment :(

I think the best advice I can give is to pick your battles. Don't try to tackle everything at once, but instead work out what is the one thing you want to change most and focus on that first. Let the other stuff slide for now. Then when you have the first one sorted out you can focus on the next. Trying to change lots of things at once can feel almost impossible.

For example with DS2 maybe you should just focus on the walking safely with you thing, because that would then mean he is out of a buggy, so you can go to the park more easily, be away from the computer and he can get more exercise which may help with some of his other behaviours (I think boys often needs lot of exercise to make them too tired to be aggressive!) So that one thing may help with some of the other problems.

So perhaps you can offer a reward for walking nicely holding hands to the end of the street, then to the end of the next street, then all the way to the park etc. It could be something like 'if you walk nicely holding hands to the end of the street then I'll push you on the swings/ play hide and seek with you' so he has something to look forward to when he gets to the park safely. If he doesn't walk nicely then you have to make sure you don't do the thing you promised - so no push on the swings if he didn't behave.

Obviously there may be another behaviour you want to tackle first, or the rewards may need to differ for your DS, so just take that as an example of what you could do.

Good luck. It's very brave of you to decide it has to change, particularly given you've had such a rough time recently with losing your mum and their dad moving out, and to post here for advice - to me that says you're clearly a good mum to your boys however bad you might feel about things at the moment.

Have you read "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..."?

I'm sorry I can't offer much more having not been in your situation, but you did say any suggestions big or small. :)

I'm prettysure it had a section on how to deal with children insulting you or saying "I hate you" etc as well - including how to manage your own feelings when they say these things.

Good luck. I hope things improve for you soon :)

I cant offer any constructive advice but just wanted to add a few words of support. You've all had a LOT to deal with and even without any ASD issues I wouldn't be surprised if DS2 in particular was "acting out" re his father.

If nothing else look on this as your starting point - onwards and upwards and I wish you all the best.

No I haven't read it, I will, anything that might help!
I hate the idiot thing becuase it slips from his moutn almost naturally, it's his response to everything and I just think if he is this disrespectful of me at 4 how is he going to be as a teen?

I want to be able to relax in my home, have fun and laugh with my kids. I want to be able to take them places knowing they will behave at least reasonably well.

pagwatch is right.

you need ot find their "currency"

there will be something that will work, nd that does not mean dislocated joints (been there, done that).

tackle one thing at a time. you cannot tackle it all - there is too much.

what is the one thing you need changed? focus on that, and (for now) ignore everythign else.

be clear, be calm, and above all be consistent. make sure they both know the rule, the reward, and the consequence. and focus on that.

the one hting you need to focus on, for yourself, is to stop giving in. they will react, of course. but you need ot have a plan, and to stick to it. if you ever feel like you don't have the energy to stick to it then give in before it is apparent oyu are giving in, iyswim? take the time ot regroup, and come back again when you are up to it. but holding out and then giving in just shows them that if they are louder, for longer, or hit harder, they will break you in the end.

but no guilt.

there's no point.

and, moreover, no need. you have had a tough time of it, but you care neough to try to sort it out.

Speak to your HV about the possibility of some parenting courses AND about the possibility of having a homestart volunteer. There may be other help out there that she can access for you. You're taking steps now by admitting that you're not coping. Good on you and the very best of luck. xxx

We have a volunteer already through the community nursing charity that works with DS1 so I do get a break luckily.

Okay so with DS1 I would like to tackle the teasing of his brother so I need a plan for that.

DS2 - The violence and that means the screaming and hitting.

WIll you guys help me make a plan?
DS2's currency is his DS, it is the only thing he cares about.

DS1 is harder, he doesn;t seem to care about anything really, not sweets, ds, toys, maybe I could go back to a weekend treat for him, our local Cinema is only £1, or a kick around at the park, he is mad on football and good at it to, I wish there was a club he could join!

Can I say titsalina, how fantastic it is that you are just looking so clearly at this.
I hid it for ages, ashamed and feeling isolated..
You are quite impressive in my book

Thanks Pag, clear and logical is the only way I can function!

Ummm I'm not sure what DS1 doesn't like, thats the problem, there is nothing there that he cares enough about.

Im going to start bedtimes I will be back later. Thank you all so much.

Well done for tackling this OP.

Can i just say that I have found dealing with TODAY and not worrying abou the future helps a lot! I used to get so worked up with my DD when she was cheeky and disrespectful because I would start imagining how this was the beginning of a spiral from out of control child to terrible teen.

I had to take a step back and think about how to deal with the current situation, and stop worrying about an imaginary future of trauma!!!!

I agree that two key things to sort would be the computer time and the holding hands whilst walking issue. If you could suss this as the weather gets warmer, you could all fill the nice (hopefully) summer weather with plenty of fresh air, sunshine and exercise, which would make a huge difference I'm sure.

You should feel very proud of yourself that you have the courage and determination to tackle this. What is past is past and you should not dwell on what you could have done then but look forward to what you are going to do from now on.

I have no practical experience to offer but wondered if there might be family therapy available and found this link
here. I hope it is helpful and wish you success.

With regard to the hand holding - maybe you could introduce an in between - e.g. both of you holding on to something else - maybe a wrist rein (loop around your wrist and theirs) so that you are close but not actually touching?