Bribery with sweets? yes or no?

[Tigermoth]

I know some parents are extremely anti bribery with sweets. Both the 'sweet' aspect and the 'bribery' aspect can raise concern.

I do use sweet, treat or toy bribery sometimes - perhaps too often. I do feel a little uneasy doing this.

So I thought I'd throw it open for discussion....

Spot on Batters. Sweets are a treat, and what is wrong with a treat to reward good behaviour?

Hmm, yes, but is there a difference between a bribe and a reward? Or am I splitting hairs?

I suppose what I'm getting at is how do you stop a child from automatically thinking 'if I do what mummy or daddy wants, they'll give me sweet'

tigermoth, would you feel less guilty if instead of sweets it was a banana or some stickers or something?

i am a great believer in bribery (or rewards if you'd rather) (i don't think there's a difference) but not keen on using sweets...and i don't do it routinely - more for out of the ordinary stuff, eg, most recently, not having the screaming ab-dabs when the dentist was filling his back teeth (prior to fissure-sealing - he has deficient enamel on some of his teeth). that reward was pokemon stickers. (and, when he had his pre-school boosters, i told him beforehand it would hurt a bit and he could yell if he liked but that we would go straight out and get a twister afterwards - it did make him a bit more philosophical about it!)

i think you just have to watch how often you do it and backpedal a bit if you start to feel manipulated!

Don't give them a sweet!! Seriously, though how about other types of reward, something your child enjoys like extra time in the bath, a special trip to the park etc etc. I know I should be able to remember by now Tigermoth but what age are your kids? Do you think that without the reward incentive they definitely wouldn't do what you want them to?
It is a tricky area. At the end of the day most of us wouldn't go to work if we didn't get paid. Most of the household chores we do are out of necessity rather than choice. However, there can also be much pleasure gained by knowing that you have done a task to the best of your ability, which I'm sure children share too.
I'm probably talking tosh as my son is not quite two yet and we haven't reached the reward stage but I have this romantic notion that even young children can get pleasure from being responsible for something: helping set the table, organising their schoolbag and small jobs. Am I completely deluded?

I would just like to clarify the difference between a "reward" and a "bribe".

A reward is given when something good is done. It is given AFTER the behaviour and is a suprise to the child. In other words, it is not mentioned to elicit the behaviour. For example, "Well done for putting all those toys away. Now you can watch a video"

A bribe is something that is used to elicit a behaviour. "If you put all your toys away, you can watch a video".

I am not saying that one is better than the other, I am just clarifying the difference.

By the way, Social Services frowns on the use of bribery in Nurseries, but encourages the use of rewards. (I own two nurseries).

Janh,yes, I'm a believer in bribery, too. But an uneasy one. Bananas, ha ha! My oldest passed the banana stage years ago, unfortunately. I almost have to bribe him to eat one. I hadn't thought of stickers, though - that's a good idea, especially when the 2 year old grows up a little. I suppose a Pokemon card might satisfy the oldest. He's also heavily into jewelery and tatoos at the momement. Both small and portable sweet substitutes. Though we run the risk of him looking like a mini hells angel if he's very good.

Batters, I go down the same route as you at meal times. No sweets or pudding unless you eat your proper food. I don't feel guilty about this at all, since it's encouraging good eating habits. I have seen the Blue Parrot cafe carrots so might try them on my sons soon.

Bugsy, my children are aged 2 and 7. The youngest isn't quite at the reward stage, though I do give him sweets on occasion to keep him quiet at crisis moments.I'm more concerned about the oldest - and perpetuating a sweet bribery pattern that the youngest will follow. Reading through the messages we all seem to agree that bribery and rewards mean pretty much the same thing to a child.

However here's a story to illustrate my unease:
One day last winter I met my son from school (not a regular activity for me). It was bitterly cold, but he hadn't got his coat on. He was standing next to his teacher in the playground. I aske my son to dress and there was the beginning of a slight ruckus as he loudly refused. To avoid a scene I bent down and whispered 'put on your coat now and I'll take you to the sweet shop on our way back'. His very laid back form teacher gave me a long look and said, 'I would never bribe with sweets'.

There's a bit of me that agrees with this. And isn't bribery of any sort, sweets or toys, a lazy way out of a tricky situation? And is it a long term solution? But then I do wonder if there is anyone out there who can truthfully say they never bribe their child.

Also, doesn't sweet bribery make sweets into even more desirable objects than they already are and help encourage adult sweet addiction?

But then, as has been said, and I'd go along with it too, life is all about rewards.

Bloom, I have just seen your message. That difference does make sense. Are you able to elaborate on why social services do not condone bribery in nurseries?

but rewards are advertised for, eg, finding a lost dog - "LOST!!! REWARD!!!"

should it say "BRIBE!!!" ?

my own distinction between the 2 - in general rather than for handling kids - is that there are overtones of the illicit about bribery.

in your cold-day-no-coat situation, i would say that getting cold would be his problem rather than yours, and a "logical consequence" - i forget which book i read it in but one of the child development ones was a great believer in letting things like that happen as long as there was no danger involved. don't eat your tea - ok, you'll be hungry later. leave your toys lying around - if something gets broken, tough.

this doesn't actually address your original question though...you obviously aren't too comfortable with sweetie bribery so don't do it! and on occasions where it really doesn't matter too much if they won't do as they're told right away, let it go. but if it's something important, or you have to let them down over something you've promised, or have to make them do something they really don't like (eg my dentist thing) or something they weren't expecting (like having to drag them out shopping after school when they were planning to come home and watch tv) then i don't see why they shouldn't get compensation.

does that help at all?

I now bribe with anything but sugary food. I think it sets up a very bad connection between sugar and fun/love/comfort/approval/you name it. Seeds of weight problems later?

Tigermoth,
I'm with Janh on the cold-day-no-coat situation. If the consequences aren't harmful then you have to work out if it's worth the battle. For example my youngest went to nursery in wellies and a dressing gown yesterday! He looked a sight but was perfectly happy (and warm) and a big scene was avoided all round. (and the nursery staff had a laugh). having said that I'm a great believer in bribery. Always said I wouldn't but....I'm only human. Luckily my two are still at the stage where bananas and videos work. I figure you use whatever means you need to get through the day with your sanity intact (and try not to bribe infront of anyone who would think the worst of you because of it!).

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Bribery, rewards who cares what you call them. If it works, go for it!!

My eldest is 2 1/2 and we are now at the stage when bribery works brilliantly, she understands if she is good, she will get something she wants. I think it is a bit much expecting her to be good when it is so boring for her. I mean today I had to do the major Sainsbury's shop so I tod her when we wnet in 'if you are good you can have a packet of crisps in the car on the way home'. I also let her chose the crisps and she watched me put them in the trolley, and kept reminding me that 'if she was good she could have the crisps' Well she was perfect (for a change) and I was really grateful, since I also had the baby of 6 months with me.

Now 6 months ago, if she had seen those crisps or sweets or whatever she would have yelled and screamed, not that she would have been given them then. But she is not at a stage when bribery is teaching her that one thing leads to another, and a sense of timescale, not just NOW!!

I know I bribe like this whenever we go shopping because it adds to the peace of the day. I mean who really wants to go at all! Bribery certainly improves her behaviour over extended periods of time, and I do withdraw offered treats if she behaves badly. The reward doesn't have to be sweets, crisps or chocolate, but since we don't have any of these in the house she only gets them on occassion I am not going to worry.

When she is a bit older I ma sure I will do something different, but anything for a quiet life!

They should be behaving without being made to.

I quite agree with you, Jbr - in a perfect world. ;-)

This seems to be endemic in society now though. In the region where my Mum lives, there are schools giving Cds, gift vouchers and other treats to kids who turn up to school!

I'm a great believer in sticker charts. Woollies do great stickers for about £1.00 a pack and I let Jenny (just coming up to three) choose a new packet every few weeks and we've got a great big 'ongoing' chart drawn on the back of some wallpaper stuck on the fridge. It's been used specifically for potty training,sleeping in her own bed, dry pants at night etc and I've a secret stash of cheap jigsaws, books etc hidden upstairs. Every now and then we put a star on the chart and when the stickers reach the star, she gets something from the 'stash'. (One day she helped herself to the stickers and reached the star a lot quicker than she was meant to!). Both Gran's give her more sweets than I'd like, so I rarely give them (we've still got Easter eggs hidden upstairs as well!)

I am interested in Allie's point of sugary food as bribes leading to an unhealthy connection between 'sweets' equalling 'good'. I really want to know if there has been any research into this as I'm fascinated to know why I have such a food obsession! The reason being that both my younger brother and sister are quite different in their approach to food from me and I have been the only one who has had weight problems. As I was the eldest my mother handled me far differently from her other two and I distinctly remember being told that I could have a boiled sweet everyday IF I was good and didn't throw a tantrum (I was a terrible toddler!) It didn't work to control my behaviour, but I remember trying really hard to get the sweet and feeling mortified if I had ruined my chances of it during the day. I was also not often allowed chocolate and sweets in the course of a normal day and they remained as treats or bribes throughout my childhood. My sister and brother were treated differently as my mother realised this wasn't working for me and they now have no problems with food and were allowed to choose exactly what they wanted from an early age, often going for a chunk of cucumber over a kit-kat for example as it was what they really 'wanted'. I also remember hitting my teens and being given control over what I bought for my own dinner at school and choosing the worst type of food imaginable and hoarding sweets and biscuits in a stance of independance against my Mum's judgements. It's unfair of me to blame my entire eating patterns on my Mother as she was doing what she thought was in my best interests, but just to give you something to think about...

Funnily enough although I am aware of the possible problems I still try the 'if you sit nicely in your pushchair you can have a lolly' trick on dd - surely once in a while it is a useful tool to keep all parties happy, but perhaps only using it when all else fails - like everything it's all about balance, maybe?

Jbr, good in theory, but please tell me how??

I mean my toddler is perfectly capable of behaving well when she wants to, and just as good at being a pain in the b** if that's her fancy. Now she is also very good with other people (her childminder/nanny etc) but with me she see it a licence to play up.

So say I have to go to the supermarket (very boring for her) I try to make it a game, let her find the shopping on the list, get her to help write the list and see if she can help, if she is in the mood she can scream all the way round (yes I do ignore her tamtrums). So please tell me HOW I should get her to behave when I want her to, when she would rather be at the swings, or playing with her toys! If you have a good answer I'll try it, but in the meantime I let her choose one treat as we go round, and she can have it on the way home if she is good. (sometimes she'll choose fruit more often crisps or chocolate - but she doesn't get them at other times).

In fact I always buy myself a treat too, as a reward for doing the dreaded chore! perhaps that's where she gets it from.

Interesting! I havnt got to the stage where bribery of any kind has become useful (son approaching one next Sunday). But do we use sweets, leading from what Lizzer was saying, because we think that is what they like the most, say over a TV programme, football outside?? My son the other day was eating a biscuit but decided he would prefer a banana he was being given for later instead. So maybe, if needed, I would have had more of a result taking away the banana than the biscuit.

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Suew. I know I should do this, but as a working mother with 2 children, who has the time!!!! I try to plan it that I don't need to take them both with me, but sometimes this fails. We also often go to the village shop if it's just for a few things, but sometimes needs must. I can see it's only gonna et worse over the next few months as my husband will be working evenings and nights and I will be working during the day. I mean he'll have to do it sometimes.

However the original thread was bribery, and I am going to stand up and say yep I do it and it works for a 2.5 yr old. It may be different as she gets older and I will expect good behaviour when I ask for it, but at the moment I am trying to ensure she knows what good behaviour is, and if bribes help, then great!! When she is older I can see myself using similar but with less direct reward, ie a video at home later or a favourite outing at the weekend. Who knows we are not there yet

Crunchie, I know this is off the subject of the original thread, but have you thought about doing your shopping online? I, like you have 2, older than yours, but I'm afraid that just makes it worse, as they wind each other up or egg each other on! I do my main grocery shopping online with Tesco - they charge £5 for delivery, but to me it's worth far more than £5 to be able to do the shopping at home, not have to load onto checkout, load back into trolley, load again into car, and unload once again at home. The only bit I still have to do is put it away. Other supermarkets offer this as well, and I've really found it a godsend