Bribery with sweets? yes or no?

[Tigermoth]

I know some parents are extremely anti bribery with sweets. Both the 'sweet' aspect and the 'bribery' aspect can raise concern.

I do use sweet, treat or toy bribery sometimes - perhaps too often. I do feel a little uneasy doing this.

So I thought I'd throw it open for discussion....

Crunchie, you've hit the target when you say you buy yourself a treat when you've slogged through the shopping. Hands up here which of us doesn't? So, we ought to be consistent and fair if we do this. Off the subject slightly, our eating habits have improved because we don't keep junk treats in the house any more.
We don't use sweets to reinforce good behaviour but we do involve our toddler son in helping choose the shopping and he has a mini cheese on the way round (paper wrapper kept for presenting at the checkouts of course). Waitrose have tiny trolleys and wide aisles, just another reason why I love this shop so much, so it is feasible to escort one child at any rate. We load him up with a 2.5 kg sack of spuds to slow him down a little, mind...
Star charts/treats to help with processes such as potty training are endorsed by a wide range of childcare experts and they work really well for many children. So, we bribe/reward away, generally with stickers rather than edibles.
Suew, the Antipodes is so much more civilised, why did you come back...

imagine trying to drink wine on a picnic in a furniture store here!!! or F1 racing round the food department...

m & s must have much more space in their kiwi stores!

Robinw, I am really interested in what you say, and of course I don't think that the sweet bribery thing is to blame for my entire warped views on food. I just scared that it could possibly have the effect of putting connections between food being good early on in life rather than looking at it as a fuel for your body. Would be glad if they could prove there is something in the genetic make-up of a person that could influence their attitude to food - it would make sense and we could learn how to combat it easier.

oh, suew, sorry, i should have realised the quotes round "drinking wine on a picnic" meant you were pretending!

never mind. fun anyway. especially the F1 part!

Hmonty, wellies and a dressing gown to nursery! LOL. I'm just catching up with this thread. Glad I'm not the only one who uses bribery out there. Didn't ever think I was alone, but it's been most enlightening to see these views. My heart goes out to all those nursery staff, mindful of social services recommendations, who are asked to get through each day without resorting to it.

Emsiewill, I do sometimes do the shopping online, but I find I forget stuff and need things NOW and they can't deliver for 48hrs. When I was pg I did use it sometimes and I promised myself I would now to avoid spending my precious time with my kids doing bring stuff. But hail miss disorganised so Sainsbury's called on a saturday. I have found myself doing the shopping at 10pm to avoid the child trap, but then I'm knackered and forget even more stuff!

I see bribes as treat and since we only have fruit, breadsticks and raisins as snacks in the house. She only gets crisps or chocolate about once or twice a week, so I'm not worrying. Also she is far too little for her age, born at 27 weeks, that maybe high fat foods will help her grow!

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Whether we like it or not, and call it what one will, most of us need a little motivation from time to time, particularly when faced with something we hate bt have to do. How many of us reward a pile of ironing, hour doing the accounts, attending a PTA meeting, a visit from the inlaws etc...etc... with a glass of wine, a bar of chocolate, a facial? So long as it doesn't happen every day I think it has a place. On the subject of sweets (and chocolate). We ration them. They are 'treats', given once a week (when I remember) or for special occassions and as treats. In these circumstances they become a very useful bargaining tool on those few occasions when a little motivation is needed. Having said that my daughter will do almost anything for a jacket potato with cheese...(which is remarkably sad)

I'm with Allie on this one. We start to have emotional associations around food as children because of the way our parents behave - rewards for being 'good' with sweet food, having to finish all the food on your plate etc. It makes food into much more of a bigger deal than it should be and IMHO is directly related to the huge surge in eating disorders amongst young children. Thankfully most of us are now open to other ways than food to reward our children. But how often do we unwittingly pass on to our children our own hang ups about food?

I have just read all the messages and must say I'm filled with guilt that I may be leading my son to a possible eating disorder. He has just turned 3 and yes I do use the bribe/reward idea. Only today I made a pizza for his lunch, but had to "reward" each slice of pizza eaten with a sweet - he had two pieces. For dinner I made meatballs and spagetti in a tomato sauce(slightly diversifying from his staple diet of sausages and plain pasta), but he took one look at it and completely refused to try it. No form of bribery/reward would get him to eat it. He is a bright boy and he seems to understand "how will you know if you like/don't like the food without even tasting it" when I ask him. His response is to still refuse point blank. I have tried to remain calm and just remove the food, but he's so stubborn that I think he would rather starve. He has been a terrible eater since the age of about one, and I am contemplating taking him to see a Dietitian because his range of food is very limited, i.e. sausages, plain pasta, bread, fruit (one piece a day if I'm lucky)& yoghurts, oh and the occasional chicken nugget from McDonalds. Give him sweets, chocolate, cakes and biscuits and crisps and he would eat them all day. I just don't know how to try and encourage him to taste different things. I do like the idea of the star chart, so I may give that a go.

My other son, who is 13 months old, will eat most things so I understand where Lizzer is coming from, and this is why I am panicking.

I am tempted to try two things but have been too scared. Firstly, to just take food away if he refuses and let him starve and see how long it lasts (but this would break my heart). Secondly give in to him and give him what he wants, i.e junk food all day, in the hope that he'll get bored of it eventually. Help!!!

Starsbb, DONT give in to him. I know how hard it is, my five year old has never been a good eater, in fact he hardly eats at all! Your son has a varied and balanced diet compared to here. There are so many things to try, but the most important thing is to remain consistent. Present him with supper and say this is it, if he feels that there are alternatives in the cupboards or fridge, and you are likely to let him have them, then of course he will resist it and not try it.

I know you feel cruel doing this, but they are NOT going to starve and he will have some bedtime milk (perhaps? - we do hot choc) before bed so you know there is something in his tummy and then eat lots of breakfast.

I havent received any help from Drs or health visitors as they say he looks fine and is growing and is bright etc. (although he is very skinny). This lack of support has sometimes made me very frustrated, but I learn to go with the flow and hope that one day things will change ....

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starsbb, i agree with bloss and ems too, except that in the situation bloss describes i wouldn't offer him any snacks, healthy or otherwise; i would just say "you are hungry because you didn't eat your tea, but that food has gone now, bad luck, you can have extra breakfast".

or - if you really can't bear not to feed him - have you ever thought of presenting him with sausages and plain pasta at breakfast, lunch and tea for a few days? saying since this is what you like to eat best, i'm going to let you eat it all the time? (make it sound like a treat!) he may well start thinking that something different would make a refreshing change...

it really isn't just about food - it is partly a power struggle - so removing the reason for the argument, and removing yourself from the scene if he still seems as to want to argue, takes both issues out of his hands. don't get upset - don't beg him to eat - don't offer rewards for eating - it is hard but try not to get emotional about his eating behaviour.

if he carries on eating the sausage/pasta meals, but wants snacks too, stick to bread (eg french bread?) or yogurt or pieces of fruit and NO SWEETS!!! (not as a snack, i mean.)

good luck...

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Starsbb, I agree with what everyone has said and I have a (very) young sister who is just as picky and sometimes it's impossible to get her to even try, let alone eat different foods and she just geniunely doesn't like a lot of things ( now that she's 8 she explains that even the texture of some food as well as the taste makes a difference)
It's been a struggle for my Mum to feed her, but she has never been down the 'food reward' road as she learnt her lesson from trying that with me! My sister is how Ems describes her son, growing fine (though age 8 legs, but age 4 tummy makes trouser buying a nightmare for my Mum!), happy and bright. I think that you've made an important step forward just by realising that there may be a problem with the way you handle food struggles. My friend (who suffers from an eating disorder herself) is, quite frankly, terrible with feeding her own children - she worries that they aren't eating well (and I mean every scrap off their plates - where's the sense in that!) so uses 'you can / can't have sweets unless...' every day. It's hard for me as a friend to know whether to say something but I'd be interested to see if you make some progress with your son and possibly I could mention it to her in a 'I know of someone who..' if you have some success. Good luck

I completely agree with the suggestions of Ems and Bloss etc. I have two boys who are excellent eaters whereas their cousin is the fussiest, skinniest kid I've ever come across. I used to put this down to us being lucky but I think it actually has more to do to the attitude we've adopted at meal times. We also have the 'here's your food. If you don't like it you'll have to wait until the next meal for something else' attitude basically from day one. And snacks are very limited. However, their cousin had completely different treatment. Je tended to be quite sickly when little so my sister-in-law had the attitude of anything is better than nothing. She's since harded up a litlle but my Mother-in-law is a nightmare. She will regularly chase the child round the room with a yogurt and spoon! She was amazed to find that I don't have biscuits and crisps in the house....but we don't eat them! The power struggle at meal times is obvious to see and drives me mad. I can't actually take my nephew out to eat with my sons because he is so out of hand. If he's at my home I have to leave the room while he's 'eating' or the constant refrains of 'I don't eat this' drive me mad. We all went on holiday together last year and said cousin was left in our care on numerous occassions and his eating definitely improved over the 2 week period....I also became known as the nasty aunty but I wasn't complaining!

Some tips to add to the list: Make sure the child is sitting at a table and is not allowed down until the meal is finished (either eaten or discarded). Don't let them fill up on fluids first. Don't allow toys/tv etc whilst eating - it just becomes a distraction. If you say no, stick to it. Be consistent from one meal to the next. No attempt to eat the main course means no pudding. Even if the meal is eaten watch the amount of snacks given as this will effect the next meal.

Rant over!

ooh, hmonty, i forgot about drinks.

1. milk is more a food than a drink, fills them up and can take appetite away.
2. ordinary pop is full of sugar, diet pop is full of chemicals, save both for special occasions only. (if you buy cheap sparkling water you can make nice fizzy squash!)
3. squash etc only with meals, not in between.
4. when thirsty between meals, try to allow water only ("if you don't want water then you're not really thirsty.") (my kids find me SUCH an annoying mother!!!)

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One thing that I have found to be very important is that we adults should eat with our children. Apart from the cliche of leading by example (I believe the most important tool we have as parents) it makes the whole thing much more enjoyable and social for the child.

A big thank you to all of you for your advice. It's amazing how obvious the answer seems and I can relate to everything that has been said. I understand about the power struggle thing and have realised that I have fallen into the trap of "anything is better than nothing" and I've ended up in a vicious circle. The biggest guilt trip I've got is that I know he is like this because of me, so I'm determined to put things right. Actually I've have realised a lot of things by just facing up to facts and admitting that there is a problem. I also think that I became fed up of throwing away tonnes of food that wasn't tasted or even looked at, and went for an easier option.

Going back to your advice, I have always made a point of eating breakfast and lunch with him (we have dinner late) and now that he has a younger brother, we don't have the time to do anything else but eat together. But in most cases Thomas and I finish our meal and Jack is left complaining he doesn't like it or doesn't want it. I also realised about two months ago that he was drinking lots of water at mealtimes and I did begin to limit his fluid intake at mealtimes. He never drinks fizzy drinks and the only time he wants milk is just before bed. It did have the desired effect for a while but things seem to have gone back to square one.

I am still a little confused as to whether bribery/rewards would be a good thing, but I guess if I reward with something other than food that would be ok wouldn't it?

I know it's going to be a long process and I really am not looking forward to it, but I will keep reading your messages for morale support. I also feel like I am starting from scratch because I don't even know if he genuinely does or doesn't like certain food.

One other difficult area is when we meet with other children. We meet on a regular basis with other kids and they quite happily munch on snacks between meals. I presume from your previous advice that under no circumstances would snacks be allowed if he didn't eat his meal. I really don't know why I wrote that because I know the answer already.

You have given me some good tips and I am determined that things are going to improve before he begins his school life next September. I will let you know how I get on after a few days of being cruel mum of the year. I don't know who is going to feel worse, him or me!! Thanks again. Watch this space .....

Hmonty (and Starsbb), although I agree with everything you have said about helping the eating problem, I think picky eaters are born, not made. My eldest dd eats very well, will try most things, but will refuse to eat certain foods. We have never forced the issue as she has a good varied diet, and will always try it first. Youngest dd however, has been a nightmare since weaning. She would only eat food from jars, not home prepared, and if she didn't/doesn't like it then nothing on earth will get the food into her mouth. She now regularly waits until food is put in front of her and then refuses to eat it. We have never got overly stressed about this, as although small she has never been especially skinny. If she refuses to eat her meal, the only other thing on offer is bread and butter. She quite frequently pecks at meals, and then eats b&b later. I think she is just one of lifes 'grazers' she prefers a little food, often. What we don't do is allow filling up with sweets and crisps instead of 'healthy' food, at 4 she is quite aware of the difference, but we allow in-between 'snacks' of carrot sticks & b&b etc because this is the way she likes to eat. She also prefers drinking plain water, although occasionally asks for coke. I have been told by a nutritionist that she actually has a much better eating habits than many adults, who have 2 or 3 large meals a day as the food is easier to digest in small quantities.

Debs,
Point taken. I did think afterwards that I should have said that the kids are obviously allowed likes and dislikes. I saw something on TV recently about childrens development and there was a taste test performed and they labeled some kids as 'hyper tasters' or similar.....For instance my eldest won't touch carrots. Can't blame him as I hate them too! Sometimes we get the 'I don't like that' refrain when a meal is placed on the table...and if they try a mouthful and still don't like it then I will swap for something else....but if they won't even try it then there's no replacement. I know of one child of 4 plus who will only eat baby food designed for 7 month olds as she can't swallow the lumps....but who will happily polish off sweets/crisps/biscuits etc.....Genuine likes/dislikes I can understand but that drives me mad! Ooo I sound so hard!