PLEASE help! sensitive ds unhappy at nursery

[HellinArcher]

can anyone suggest ideas for how I can help ds, 3.8yo please?

It's just me and ds at home so he is used to lots of one-on-one attention. he is also utterly bonded to me - he has gps he loves and sees them every few weeks. my DH died when I was pg, so he has never had a father around.

Problem 1: he is v sensitive and not remotely assertive. If something happens that he doesn't like, he cries. a lot. For example we were in the park playing near 2 little girls, one roared at him and the other said he couldn't play with them because he was a monster. ds cried. Now I wouldn't like being roared at or told I was a monster, but he gets very bothered by this sort of thing, he can't cope with it or deflect it at all. Another eg - someone at nursery took his painting, and instead of taking it back, he cried, got himself very worked up apparently.

Problem 2: he has been going to his lovely nursery for a year and is getting worse and worse at being left. Not just crying when I go, but crying through breakfast, all the way there and then having absolute hysterics when I leave. He used to be fine. He can't tell me anything he doesn't like about nursery, his problem is that I'm not staying with him. He tells me over and over "but I just love you and I want you to stay at nursery with me".

I don't have an alternative, I am retraining at the moment, he goes to nursery 3 days a week and the other 4 he has me to himself pretty much - we see friends, but I'm with him the whole time.

He will start school in September so I don't want to change his childcare for a few months. and I have no problems with the nursery they are great.

What can I do to help him? Getting v and desperate here.

Firstly, great sympathies. I am so sorry about your dh. Your little one tugging at your heartstrings every morning must be so painful. Have you spoken to his keyworker at nursery? It can't be the first time they have encountered a sensitive child?

Oh bless him! (and you) It sounds as though something in particular is affecting him at the moment? What have the staff said? Does he settle when you've gone?

My friend's daughter cried every morning for 3 yrs at nursery. (her dh is abroad in the military) but the nursery staff said as soon as my friend had gone, her dd was fine) It was almost like she was wanting to assert to her mother that it was not OK for her to go off and do something without her. Has your little boy changed since you started the training?

It is really hard, I feel very sad for him and awful for leaving him, I keep questioning myself about whether I carry on with it. But that would mean giving up my course and also sends ds the message that if he cries enough he gets what he wants. Also I think it is good for him to mix in a group of children rather than it just being the two of us, or one friend at a time.

As to whether he keeps crying at nursery, no he does stop once I've left, but it takes a good 5-10 mins and then he is "fine" but not "happy" according to the staff.

It has got much worse since Christmas, but has been escalating since the summer really. Noise levels have gone up because younger children have come into the big room where ds is. Perhaps he doesn't get as much attention now. I will try and talk to the staff about it again I think.

bump.

another bump in case anyone has any more ideas about how I can help ds.

his keyworker and another assistant at nursery both commented today on how sad he has been this week, constantly saying he misses Mummy, and being very upset by very small things.

is he picking up on something going on with you, maybe? you are clearly in the process of making a transition to a new part of your life with the re-training (and sympathies on the loss of your DH, unimaginable); is he afraid that he's going to lose you? I'd say lots and lots of reassurance when you are with him, keep focussing on the fun things you'll do together - you are clearly trying to gently move him to being a bit more independent and he doesn't like it. Perhaps he's just not quite ready yet.

I'm sure that my comments are utterly useless and I am sorry if they are completely wide of the mark.

thanks drivingmisscrazy, all good thoughts but I can't see that anything is different for ds now than it has been previously. he's been at the nursery for a year, settled in well, I was at work but now training but he doesn't know any difference.

he has always been a bit sensitive but is much more so at the moment, he cries at the slightest thing going wrong for him. I comfort him to an appropriate level but don't give him loads of attention for crying, try to jolly him along or distract him rather than pander to the crying.

it is frustrating and worrying. sigh.

maybe it's a developmental change in him then - understanding things on a different level? he sounds lovely, by the way. Could he spend more time with his gps that he loves? just to take the pressure off you and your relationship with him - so that he realises that he can feel safe and secure with other people too?

has anything changed at nursery?

ah you are kind to keep thinking about this.

he has just had a weekend at his gps without me, he's done it before and enjoyed it, but perhaps it's been too much for him, he said afterwards he didn't want to go again without me. though in the next minute he's bouncing up and down telling me something exciting they all did!

fundamentally he seems to only want me, and me alone. exclusively. and forever. !

well maybe you should just go with it - soon enough you'll be on here all upset because he's gone off with his friends again! Do you have other family? Cousins for him?

I think I feel for you because my mother was widowed very young and had only me (I was a good bit older) - and it does put all sorts of pressures on both parent and child. But you sound very sensible and grounded and like you have his very best interests at heart.

my totally honest answer is that i would seriously consider deferring the re-training and taking him out

I know I am probably in a minority in this, but you know, you only get this time once ,life is too short for him to spend all this time being unhappy

yes, he'll start school eventually... but he may well have changed a lot by then. He actually doesn't legally have to be in school until he is 5, which is a long way off

I don't think it gives the message that crying gets you what you want. the message it gives is that when you're very unhappy your mum makes it better....

Hellin I wonder if your DS's normal emotions are being compounded by a normal development phase? My DS (4.2) has recently got a lot more emotional from , for example crying at Lilo missing her family in Lilo and Stitch and when he thought Mickey Mouse was in danger. Maybe they are developing more in-depth emotions and imagination and are not sure what to do with them.

That aside I think you're doing the right thing to try to tackle this now before he goes to school as this is a massive change in itself. I can't agree with thisis because I think if you don't find ways of making him more secure it will just become harder. I'm not advocating letting him be unhappy but I'm sure there are ways you can build up his confidence to let you go occasionally.

You mention his attention from you, I'm sure he misses that at nursery. Could the key workers help by giving him a special job or responsibility that is just his. Could his GP's have a regular time with him every week - not as much as a whole weekend - but a couple of hours regularly. Or can you do swap playdates with a friend with a DC of a similar age - you drop him off for an hour's play and the other DC comes the next time. Just ways of teaching him that he can have a little bit of fun without you (but of course not too much!). HTH

thisis, I have thought about it ... but I don't think I would be a better mother for spending 7 days a week with ds. I am just in the process of trying to rebuild my life, and having a child totally alone from day one can be so relentless - the course has really given me a new direction. I know that sounds selfish and if things get very bad then yes I can put everything on hold, but that really is a last resort.

Mercedes great idea about nursery and the playdates idea, so far we've just done them where the mums stay too. gps don't live near enough for short visits alas.

driving - I'm so sorry about your dad. I do worry about the pressure both on me and on ds. being a family of 2 people was never the plan

you sound like you'll handle it fine (and thanks! it's a long time ago) - but I am sure you find that people do make irritating assumptions (I know my mum found this as hard as the isolation, what I assume must be an ongoing sense of loss). Anyway, I am wandering off topic, but I wish you and DS all the happiness in the world

There are a whole lot of different ideas in the No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. It covers 6 months to 6 years.

I have just ordered that book! thanks AngelDog. Even if it doesn't provide an ultimate solution at least it knows where I'm coming from!

thank you everyone for helping. just "talking" on here is a relief

Just wanted to say that I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.
Regarding him saying he doesn't want to go to GPs etc again without you , my DD did this regularly but everyone ( parents, nursery teachers , other mums that bumped into DD when I was not around etc ) ALL told me that she was perfectly content when I was not there . But I got the same situation/ complaints , "I only want to be with you mummy ... "
I think it simply was that mummy was her preferred option so she would try to wangle that ! I think you DS could be the same .

PLEASE PLEASE do not feel guilty for sending him to nursery, it really will benefit him in the long term and I truly feel that it was the making of my DD . You also need a break away from 24/7 childcaring. You are doing a very difficult job in such difficult circumstances.

As others have done, I wish you the very best for the future.

I have read every ones posts with interest and i wonder about the age and development explanation.
My son was 4 in December, he started nursery when he was 3. For 6/7 months he went happily no problems then all of a sudden he started crying when i left. 3 months later things were getting worse not only would i leave him distraught but he would start on about it as soon as he got out of bed.
His only explanation was that he misses me and he also wanted me to stay.The staff would tell me that once i had gone he was ok.
He has just started school and although we started that way, each day he is getting better.
I wonder if they get to a point where they out grow nursery? My little boy is quite a hand full into everything etc. but he is also a mummys boy and a sensetive soul, I truely sympathise because it really breaks your heart to see them that way, and i really considered taking my ds out of nursary at the time but i decided against it, for my own sanity i needed a break and i dont think that is something we should feel guilty about. Best of luck with your studying
claire

mcv1 sounds as though we have very similar children. I do think ds will enjoy school - bit quieter (well I know it will have plenty of noise, but at the moment he is in a room at nursery with a big age range and the littlies (2.5-3) are very noisy and full on) and more focus on structured activities which he loves.

will just keep ploughing on and see how it goes. thanks for the support! it is good to know ds is not the only one like this.

Hi HellinArcher I agree about this being a developmental stage but I also wonder if he has started to understand more about losing daddy and fears he may lose you. I hope you don't mind me saying this. Only my DS 3:3months has started asking what 'die' means (I think from hearing the word at nursery). I also think they become more aware of dangers/cause and consequences at this age and therefore many things become stressful which didn't before.

How have things been in the past?
Does he enjoy the company of other children?

argh. well today there is no nursery so ds is delighted to be with me... but he's taking it a bit far IMO. went to a great soft play this morning, he insisted I came round with him the whole time (he can manage it all physically himself). I did for a bit then said I wanted to sit down for a bit, he got upset and said "But you are my friend you have to come with me" and wouldn't really go and do it on his own. Plenty of children in there racing about happily by themselves, only the littlies had mums with them.

now we are at home, had lunch and played a bit etc. I am determined to have 20 mins to myself but he can't last a minute without coming over to ask me something, try to get me to play with him etc. he was just sitting looking at me and asking me to come and play so I gave him 3 very specific ideas of things to do and he is finally (taken 20 mins) doing something by himself, about 2 feet away from me! I have a timer on and it's going to beep any second which will obviously stop him in his tracks which is a shame now he is absorbed in his task!

Hellin - this will get better.

My ds is 4 next month and was exactly how you describe. It can be exhausting and I think that you are doing the right thing trying to do something for yourself.

Things finally got better when I started really beieving that me going to work and ds going to nursery was a really good thing for all concerned and started talking about it in a much more positive way. I also went into nursery, found out the things they were doing and tried to encorporate that at home.

E.g they were doing displays around space so we did space pictures, talked about it etc so that her had interesting things to take to show his teachers / friends and felt he had an interest that closed the gap between nursery and home. Might be worth a try.

Boys do seem to be so much more sensitive and I think he sounds a lovely little boy that he will get through this. I would say let him have a cry and say you understand that he gets upset about you not being together but that you can do fun things when you do spend time together. Don't feel guilty. It's okay for you to want to spend time for you but it's also okay for him to miss the best friend he has! Lots of cuddles together and ensure he knows that you are not sending him away because you don't want to spend time together but more because this is a good thing. Maybe try some play dates with children from nursery so again it doesn't seem like friends he has at nursery never get seen out of nursery environment. Gives you more to talk about in a positive way

Thinking of you x

Hope that this has been helpful.

Just an idea....but have you tried a visual timetable? Lots of child ones on line I can link you to.

You could set it up each day, talk it through, this is mummy and you play time, this is snack time, nap time, play on your own time etc

It might make him feel secure as he knows whats coming and when and you may get 20mins.

Let me know if you want a link. xx

marypoppins - yes please, I am willing to try anything, so a link would be great thanks.

www.sparklebox.co.uk/classman/routine/timetable/home.html

good luck xx