At what age do you think a child should be able to do simple things on their own?

[TooMuchCaffeine]

DSD was 11 in November. She lives with her mum and visits occasionally for a few days. She needs to be told to do everything and does not seem to have any self motivation at all. Is this normal for an 11 year old?

DS is 7 and loves making his own jam sandwiches and getting himself a drink and almost every day asks to make breakfast. ALthough we do not let him use electrical equipment or hot water. He picks his own clothes to wear and seems to want to do things like make cakes, pancakes, load dishwasher, help with hoovering - to the extent that we have to say no to him (particularly when we are in a hurry).

I find myself getting fed up with DSD just sitting there waiting for instructions and showing no motivation at all and wishing she would just DO SOMETHING! At the moment they are both watching TV downstairs. If I don't go down, DSD would sit there in her dressing gown all day and let DS tell her what to do. When they are playing DS gets very controlling and takes the lead because DSD hardly has and ideas about what SHE wants to do - and sometimes I have to intervene on her behalf to give her a break.

She sounds lacking in confidence. Do you encourage and praise her when she does get something done?

Yes - but she doesn't really do anything. Seriously we have to tell her to do everything. We are worried about the way she gets attention through saying she has different allergies (nuts, fish) which have never been tested. Or weaknesses. She says she has "breathing difficulties" which is not true. She is not asthmatic. Yesterday within earshot of me she said as they were about to watch TV "Oh I must go upstairs and get my glasses I can't see without them". Today I was upstairs when they switched TV on, and so far they have been watching CBBC for over an hour without her glasses. . She does not initiate conversation and will sit there in silence until someone else speaks, at which point the interaction is relatively normal.

When we have tried to speak to her mum (who is very similar to her)but she is so defensive where DH is concerned she just sees it as an attack and gets defensive saying "she's only young". We have her for such short and infrequent time, it is difficult to have much influence on the way she behaves.

She doesnt seem to be very comfortable in your home, I would work on that.Make sure she feels welcomed and valued. You do seem to be comparing her with your son and shes coming out worse :( what are her good points ?

My ds (also 11) is quite initiative-free (except for getting on the computer). He's generally rather passive and noticeably doesn't do as much in the way of initiating conversation as others do. We're not stifling parents - we also have dd (10) who would rule the universe if she could! - so it isn't necessarily how her mother treats DSD that has made her like that.

So - unless you've got other worries about your DSD - I'd say it was just one extreme of personality.

Ds responds pretty well to lots of encouragement and has got, for instance, good at making me cups of tea on request. I also talk to him about how initiative and engaging with the world is in his Own Best Interests - as in, among other things, it will make us pleased with him & thus more likely to let him get at his computer games. Does DSD have anything she likes that you can use as that sort of reward/encouragement?

If she only visits occasionally for a few days then she probably doesn't feel comfortable enough to be able to do her own thing.

My 4yr-old likes to help with breakfast, pour her own drinks etc. My 11yr-old would happily sit in a chair all day and do nothing. Different personalities and different interests.

Poor little thing, she obviously has no confidence at all, and it is quite unkind to keep comparing her to your own child like that.

How does she respond if you ask her if she would like to bake with you or something?

I presume she is a NT child? I only ask because I have a second cousin who needs to be told to do everything, including putting deodorant on, washing, brushing her hair etc. or it won't happen. She is outwardly fairly normal but she has SN. Her brother more obviously has SN and needs more care than she does.

It may just be as others have said, she either lacks confidence or is a person who has no initiative and is happy that way.

the thing is you son has been bought up just to do these things (make breakfast etc)and she hasn't. Why not show her how to do things and encourage her? It will be in her benefit to learn in the long run. You could also explain that you want her up and ready at X time to go out for the day and that she has to get ready off her own back. I'd be tempted just to leave with her in her PJ's/breakfast free if she didn't bother to get ready.

can you pay to get her tested for allergies so you all stand together on the subject - sing from the same hynm sheet? also speak to the gp about her breathing just to clarify to DSD that she is fine.

I think you are being very harsh, OP. Your DSD is not in her own home when she is with you and your DH. If she is only ever with you for a few occasional days, she needs entertaining, not to be treated as a child of the family.

I agree with Bonsoir.

Me too.

We do entertain her Bonsoir - but the frustration is that the more we do, the more withdrawn she gets

Yesterday I took her and DS to pictures to see a film they both wanted to see and when she got home she stayed in her room (which is why I could not post as she sleeps in the same room as computer!)and was brusque with DS and barely said a word to me.

DH and I have tried not to pander to this moodiness and that seems to have worked yesterday and this morning.

In a couple of minutes I am taking them both to town and will treat her to a top or something she likes, and DS too.

Cinema and shopping are good and kind; how about giving her a pedicure or blow drying her hair or making her father's favourite cake together?

being independent is a skill to be acquired

I agree that she does not feel comfortable in your home, and I am thinking of ways that you could help her feel more of a family member than a guest

things like

involving her in laying the table for meals

consulting her about films/DVD/TV progs to watch as a family

taking photographs when you are out and about as a gang - she could have the camera, and direct you all

Any good?

Boys Are Like Dogs - we do all of those things already. When we go and visit her in London we do fun stuff together, take pictures, etc but it is always met with passivity - almost resentment (that's how it seems sometimes.

It was my idea for her to come here this week and be with DS (DH gone back to work)but it would have been the same if I had been at work and he was home with them.

Just got back from town and packing her case - she has torn out pages of her journal and has written "Can't wait to get home to my (caring) mum and my two beautiful kittens" Then on another page she wrote "It is obvious my step-mum doesn't want me here". I was flabbergasted - it was my idea for her to come here after all!

SHe has clearly bought into the evil stepmother thing big time then, so it doesn't matter what I do does it. BTW - her dad and mum split up when she was a baby so they never lived together as a family.

Just be as kind and as warm to her as you can - she'll come out of it.

It may be hard for her as she is stepping into your ready made family when she visits - and she is so different from you, she doesn't know where (or even if) she fits in. Also she may be upset that your ds gets her dad living with him all the time, and she has to make do with bits and pieces of him and his 'other family.'

I am a stepmum too and I think my dsd has found it difficult for the same reasons - especially as me and dh have a dd together, have been married for ten years and we are very different to her and her mum's family.

Just do the best you can.

Toomuchcaffeine, this is a tough one.
BUT whatever happens, you have got to remember that she is 11, the start of one of the hardest times of life. YOU are the adult so it's up to you to keep trying. Phrases like "it doesn't matter what I do" aren't helpful. You have to keep trying for everyone's sake.

My parents split up when I was 15 and I was quite happy when they did, but I still didn't like it when they each had another partner. Id have HATED it if either of them had had another child.
She sounds insecure and jealous. You and dh have your own family, and it sounds like she feels like an intruder in your house. As previous post said, you have been treating her like she lives in your house, but she doesn't feel that way, so make her feel like a welcome visitor - that's what she is.
Why does she only come occasionally?

I think you are being rather hard on her . ds is 12 and it is only really in the past 18 months that he has started to initiate things, like making his lunch or offerng to make a cup of tea. Maybe she isn't asked to do stuff at home or gets yelled at if it isn't done in a certain way and finds your ds' assertiveness and maybe even you, and the pace of life in your household, daunting. She doesn't know the "rules" of your house and isn't yet relaxed enough to just test them out. Is it her room or a guest room, can she decorate it, leave her things around and what particular "stuff" is there for her to do. Does she like crafts, toys, games etc which you could help her start off and supervise. She may not always appreciate your ds' efforts to play but is not know how to break it to him !

Thanks Nemo - we have been together 10 years too and like you are very different to her mum's family. I am finding this whole thing very frustrating - like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I think that DH and our life is just too estranged from her life now and his old life (his mum and sisters do not speak to him because of the split from his ex - and there was so much acrimony that they did not see each other from DSD was 1 until she was 6)and that makes things harder, plus we live so far away. It is such a horrible situation and I'm worn out with it all, especially seeing that note. I am not an evil stepmother and I resent being painted as such. I do everything I can to accomodate her - she always goes into frosty mode, then accuses me of not wanting her around - sounds like it is her that doesn't want me around.

I give up and I am not going to try anymore, really I know that sounds harsh, but nothing has improved in the 5 years she has been seeing her dad again - and the thing to remember is relationships are reciprocal not all one way.

Thanks for all your comments anyway.

That's really sad. It sounds like she is putting up the defences before you have a chance to reject her. :( She won't open up easily but I think all you can do is say that you are happy to have her in your home. Maybe you are trying a little too hard to entertain her rather than allow her to fit in ?

You are right LIZS - about the rules thing etc. In the past when she has come here, they do painting and crafts etc. Currently she sleeps inthe spare room/study. She is here so infrequently (ie parts of school hols) it would be difficult to have a whole room to herself because of space. When we move to a bigger house, she will be able to have her own room. She is a very good artist and loves to draw but in the past few visits doesn't do much of that. I sew, and was going to teach her how to make some simple skirts, etc.

Have you tried reading the step parenting topic? There is lots of advice and support there.

She may also feel that to feel at home and enjoy her time at your house would be a betrayal of her Mother.

I would try and lower your expectations and just try to be kind and interested in her.

If all she wants to do is sit in her room-well that's fine and fairly normal for an 11 year old.

My theory about the whole thing and this is going by a previous visit when things got so bad she went home earlier than planned - the more nice to her I am, the more guilty she feels about betraying her mum.

Please don't think that I stand in front of her like a Butlins red coat or something, forcing entertainment on her - it is much more easy going than that. Usually I leave her and DS to it and am just around in the background - often found dancing in the kitchen singly very loudly and very badly actually which she seems to enjoy and we all have a laugh and a joke about it. We usually have some activity planned like the park, cinema, theatre or something, then they do their own thing, sometimes we play a game, then they have their showers, story and go to bed - no pressure.

I cook nice food that fits in with her various allergies and that we can all eat. But by the second day of this she goes into a sulky silent withdrawn mood, then I end up getting really fed up and ignore her because her moods just suck all the energy out of the room - even DS gets fed up with it eventually. It causes an atmosphere and is really horrible.

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