controlled crying-did it work for you?

[NButt]

I have a six month old baby who will not sleep when I put her down in the evenings. I got her into a bad habit of feeding her to sleep when she was first born and would put her down and she would sleep well through the night. This recently stopped working as she wakes as soon as I put her in her cot. I have tried so many things to get her to soothe herself to sleep and now resorted to controlled crying. I initially tried the checking in and consoling her every 10 minutes for a week with little improvement. She was crying for over 3hours some days and still not settling herself. Then I tried the method of checking in on her but avoided her seeing me. I did this for 10 days and was the hardest and the most horrible thing I have had to do since becoming a mum. She was crying up to 2:40mins (and me, not much less) before settling to sleep. Once asleep she would sleep until 3am then have a feed, then up at 8am. I just don't know what to do and feel awful about having to put my daughter through this. Today I am trying this other method of doubling the check-in times, starting with 2mins, then 4, e.t.c. It's so hard and emotionally exhausting.Can anyone please give me some advice as I don't I can go on much longer.
Thanks

Others will say this but you really really don't need to put yourself and your DD through this. Read the baby sleep book by William and Martha Sears for a different perspective. I don't believe in following any parenting book to the letter but the Sears books gave me confidence in my own instinct that can be overwhelmed by all the baby training stuff out there. Babies need their mums/dads at night. These months will pass quickly I promise but it is far easier to go to them, stay with them, co sleep or whatever than try to do this.

No, I tried it just the once and it was awful. DD screamed for 2 hours (with me checking every 10 mins) while i paced the floor, sobbed and hated myself downstairs until I couldn't bear it any longer! Some babies release tension by crying and the technique works for them. Others, like my DD, get more and more distressed by crying and controlled crying doesn't work for them. They might eventually fall asleep but it does nothing to estabish a positive bedtime experience. My DD gradually woke less and less at night from 7 months, and slept through (I gave her a bottle and her dummy and rocked her to sleep) from 8 months. At 9 months she started to wriggle in my arms instead of going o sleep so I started putting her down awake and, to my surprise, she settled herself. She's 12 months now and always settles herself - sometimes she goes to sleep immediately, sometimes she burbles and whinges for 30 mins then drops off. I don't leave her if she screams.

I do know exactly how you feel - i was at the end of my tether at 6 months when DD was waking a minimum of 10 times in the night. But just when I thought I couldn't cope any more she improved and it has been better and better since.

I really don't think it's a big deal if they can't self settle at 6 months - they are still only babies and it does get better. Sounds like CC hasn't worked for you - you'd expect some improvement by now if it was the right method for your child wouldn't you? Hang in there, it will get better.

No it didn't, does for a lot, didn't for us. DS got more upset, not less. He cried for upwards of 3 hours every night for a week, became hysterical at the bottom of the stairs, at bathtime, when put down during the day etc during the process. We stopped. Some children aren't suited to it. Nothing but nothing works for everyone.

We co-slept in the end. We have a mattress on the floor of DS's room.

I will never be convinced that CC is anything other than cruelty. In desperation, we tried it with our son when he was about 10 months to try to get more than 1 hour's uninterrupted sleep. The child honestly screamed for 4 hours, not just grizzling but full on screaming. We'd go in, pat and shush him and do all the things you are supposed to do, lie him down, he'd start screaming again straight away. I frankly believe that the only way CC works is by making the baby abandon hope of being rescued, which imo is not a good lesson to learn for a tiny child.

I second the recommendation for co-sleeping. They sleep, you sleep, problem solved. You miss them when they start sleeping in their own beds (which they do sooner than you'd think).

CC dd work for us but we followed it to the letter and i got DH to do it - just couldn't do it myself. We definitely didn't have baby crying for as long as you say so I wonder if there might be something else -one possible idea - we found ours started to wake up more at five or six months and that starting solids helped - have you tried starting or increasing solids in the day ? might help

CC worked for us but DD was 15 mo. I would certainly not have contemplated it any younger, despite being very desperate for sleep. I wouldn't have let her cry longer than 10 mins and it never even got that far. But she was much older and had a lot of understanding.

We did three sessions of cc. First time at 6 months as ds was not resetting after a feed. It worked after 4 days. Didn't get him to stop waking at night, nor did he ever learn to self settle, but it got him to cut a few of the night feeds and not wake so often.
Did another session at 10 months, when his night wakes increased and resettling took hours. Sort of worked reduce wakings and settling times. He never slept through. He never has.
Final last ditch attempt was at 15 months when he was again taking hours to resettle after waking. We did 8 nights of cc, eventually giving up after he continued to cry for 4 hours - getting no sleep at all that night. We co-slept from then, but only if dh would give ds cow's milk everytime he asked for milk from me (constant pestering for milk was what prevented me from co-sleeping before).
Co-sleeping was the best thing we ever did. After a few months we started moving bedtime back to his room. But bringing him in with us whenever he woke. He's now 2.4 and wakes between 1 and 5 then comes into our room. Occasionally he sleeps till 7, then we still bring him into our room if it's a weekend (and we love the morning cuddles). We're all very happy with this.

Yep, did it on both, nothing wrong with it at all, DS2 was very demanding and the minute I picked him up he stopped.

In the end I put his cot in the furthest place possible shut all the doors and let him cry, within a couple of days it worked. I did it from a few weeks though so the older the worst however he is nearly two and he will do the same at bedtime but we dont give in. works!

Absolute rubbish that a baby learns bad from this - did the same for DS1 and he is a perfect sleeper and brilliant personality (most of the time) and another thing years ago they had to do it because women had large familities and housework had to be done and dinner had to be on the table.

Co-sleeping is not for us. Showing the baby who is the leader is the best way for us. Hard at first leads to it being easier later on. Know what I prefer!

Worked well with dc1

Failed miserably (went on for years...) with dc2. Didn't sleep through the night til he was nearly 5.

Best advice is give up if it hasn't worked fast (which it did with my first). Might also have helped that didn't start til she ws over 9 months. Second was a miserable experience; I still regret I let it go on so long.

I've been really lucky with all my children, and they have responded well to cc, but I couldn't in all honesty leave them for hours crying, mine have taken minutes to settle themselves.

Nope, I think you need to find some other method.

I would never countenance it (well I lie, I did think about it briefly when the frequent waking and breastfeeding was bad at 14 months) and consequently never got much sleep for 20 months. Suddenly she went in her own bed from ours and slept through the first night! She's still tricky to settle, however.

But my good friend did it with all three children bang on six months she jokingly says she's hardened to her children crying now and she says it worked very well for her first, not at all on her second, and mixed success with her third.

I did a type of cc when DS1 was about 10 months old. He'd wake lots during the night and not settle again and basically we would be up and down about 8 or 9 times each night.

Enough! We decided on a strategy which was as follows...

He woke and cried - we made sure he was clean and not hungry then settled him. He cried again as soon as we left the room. So I waited 30 seconds and then went back into his room, lay him down, shhh'd him and went out of the room again. He cried. I waited 60 seconds this time. Then went in again, lay him down and shhh'd him and went out of the room again. He cried. I waited 90 seconds then went back in to him. Do you see what's going on? I just increased the time between settling him very slightly each time.

I just figured that 30 seconds is not that long and i just went and showed him that I was still around but this was not a time for cuddles and interaction, it was sleep time. I could not go 5 minutes immediately, it's an eternity when they are screaming, so that's why I went for 30 seconds and increments of 30 seconds each time.

The first night it took a fairly long time and we had to get up and do it a few times. The next night it happened again and things improved slightly.
Now this is about 7 years ago, so it's difficult to remember how long it too (plus I was delirious with lack of sleep at that stage) but I reckon we had it sussed by the end of a week.

My advice, is get a strategy to deal with it and then agree that you and DH/DP stick to it for at least a week and support each other. I never thought we would break the cycle, but we did and now DS1 can sleep for Britain - he's the heaviest sleeper I know!!

Good luck, it's a nightmare but hopefully you'll get it sorted soon.

Yes CC did work for us but wouldn't dream of trying it on a child under 12 months old as I think that's way too young for them to understand. We waited until DD was over a year, and we needed it only because she had got used to being breastfed to sleep. She became a nightmare as she had to learn to settle herself. We gradually found a CC routine that worked, however, we never let the crying go on for more than 20 mins and in fact we could usually tell within 5 mins if it was going to work, so crying tended to whimper down rather than ramp up. If she worked herself into a rage after 5 mins we went in, as we usually knew she was not going to settle herself without another visit from us. HTH.

The baby sleep book is brilliant and really helped me to trust my own instincts. It's well worth a read.

Yes, quickly and painlessly. When dd was about 11 months, ds a little younger.

Controlled crying will create an anxious child - don't do it!!!
Learn the difference between their crying and 'protesting' but don't let them cry. Each child is different, so for some they may 'get it' in a night or two, but for some never. It may just take your child a few more months to feel secure enough to fall asleep alone. If your child is crying, they are not secure, so leaving them to exhaust themselves to sleep rather than drift off to sleep happy will make matters a lot worse. I agree with one of the first posts about the Sears book on sleep. The Baby Whisperer has some good ideas too. You wouldn't leave an adult to cry themselves to sleep would you? Why a baby? Work out the issue how ever long it takes, it's worth it. Feed them, rock them, sing to them, pick them up, put them down again and again and have a solid bedtime routine - they'll learn in the end. It took us 8 months, EVERY night for an hour, but now he smiles at lights out and sleeps contentedly. If you've ever cried yourself to sleep you'll know how horrible it is, don't do this to your little one.

Dear all, Thank you for all your responses, advice and reassurance. I decided last night that I couldn't go on any longer. My DD fell asleep after about an hour and ten minutes of crying, slept for about half hour or so then woke up screaming. I was distraught and couldn't take it any more and held her and sobbed. It was horrible. I will order the the baby sleep book that some of you have recommended and see how I get on. Currently, DD is wide awake in DH's arms smiling and having the time of her life!

One other thing, did any of you do CC for day naps? I find it very hard to get DD to have a nap in the day and struggle to get her down for an hour. Any tips will be appreciated.

We recently started cc with our 6month dd, first night was bout 45mins, now 10-5mins sometimes less! It took about 3 nights tthen the third night she woke about 10 times and you have to be consistant so i did it through the nighht as well!

She has a cough again so if she wakes crying in the nught we co-sleep if i cant resettle her...

From birth she was put down awake (learnt lessons from dd1!) but a holiday and illness threw her completely since then she wpuld cry going into her cot, still does that now but settles quickly now i hate the fact thatshe cries herself to sleep but i dont want my life to be ruked by ,y child as it was with dd1!

Dd1 cc at 10 months did t work as she wouod get so worked uo she wouod make herself sick! We did gradual withdrawn after the her falling alseep on our bed then miving her stooped working! But until she was 18 minths or so putting to bed could take anything from 1-3 hrs!!

Good luck!

Ive not used cc during he day we have trouble getting daytime naps onoy way they happen is in car or pushchair or sling or in arms! Wakes as soon as moved so id be interested in hearing how people get onz with daytime naps and if cc works during the day?

Lack of a daytime nap can affect night time, so you need to try and work this out too. Follow the same night time routine during the day so that whatever you do signals sleep time. For instance, we say night night to the birds, shut the curtains, snuggle up, bottle of milk, same lullaby etc and its become the cue for sleep day and night. Sounds like your child may just be a Spirited Child (see Baby Whisperer reference) so you'll need to work out different techniques for her. Please don't let her cry, just cuddle her, feed her and respect what she's telling you she needs, its a slog, but it'll work out in the end. Don't let yourself get upset either, trust your instincts to nurture and mother rather than trying to 'be strong' and uphold some ideal. She'll pick up on your relaxed attitude and that will also help.

NButt, I too had problems with daytime naps. For her first 19 months I breastfed her to sleep for naps or slung her (had to walk outside though, at a steady pace!), except for the days when I worked (from when she was about 15 months old) and my husband used to sling her.

But from then on I didn't have that tool so I slung her for naps in a Boba carrier. I really recommend slings and I've never ever used a pram and don't aim to get one for my next.

A tired child in a good wrap should go to sleep easily. I say 'easily' as sometimes nothing worked. I spent the first 2 years of her life trying to get the stars in the right alignment to get her to sleep.

Now, many people will recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution. I had it and have read it, as has my husband. It's a lovely book and helps to make you feel less like a fool for what other people regard as 'pandering' to your insomniac child. But I and others didn't find it worked as a quick fix. I think in some cases it reassures you, keeps you going while you ride the worst phases out. Nevertheless, there is good stuff in there about sleep associations. Looking back of course that was what the issue was.

Have hope. My child went from our bed to her toddler bed at 22 months and I refused to feed her to sleep but stayed and cuddled her to sleep (and she cried on and off for an hour on the first nights, but it was angry crying, not desolate 'abandoned' crying) and she slept through. She sleeps through 10 out of 12 nights. Compared to waking 8 times a night, this is a miracle.

She's still slung for daytime naps (although I'm now pregnant so that's going to probably end)

Sorry you had a tough few days. Heartrending, isn't it. And please don't, like me, think you're doing anything wrong. This is so common, and largely down to your child's personality. Try to drown out all the friends and family who seem to disapprove or who ram their 12-hour sleepers down your throat.

Yes we did with both children after we exhausted all other techniques such as the baby whisperer, millpond books.... I was on the baby whisperer forum for months great support but nothing worked! It was v hard & you have to be able to cope with the crying that ime got worse!

Anyway now 4&2 both sleep fine and are not anxious children as pp has suggested! Infact I think a child who does not sleep well who have sleep deprived parents are more likely to be anxious children & have anxious parents. Basically long term sleep deprivation is so painful and the long term effects of what the parent will project onto the child and dp and other dc from tiredness & vice versa is not healthy, so cc for us was short term pain for long term gain. Also did this for daytime nap, dc2 naps in cot no contest! Dc1 needed to be in pushchair napping, thankfully starting nursery sorted that out! GL

Jay Gordon night weaning. We're doing it now and it is literally incredible. DS slept through for the first time since he was a newborn last night after just six nights of my DH doing it. And we've not had to lift him our of his cot or had any more than 40 seconds of crying from a boy who could weep for hours the one time - and one time only - we tried crying it out after all else failed. The news you won't want to hear? DS is 16 months old. But it literally took that long for him to be old enough to settle himself again after night wakings. But touch wood it's been such a calm process, despite DS being a dreadful sleeper, am so delighted we waited. Really. Before then I'd bf him to sleep and he'd come into our bed after the second night waking. It worked for us until DS was ready to try sleeping through. Oh and Dr Ferber the man who 'invented' cc specifically states that the technique should not be used on babies under 9 months. Until then they don't have object permanence so truly believe you've gone for good, and also are still building a secure bond with you and you don't want to mess it up.
And people didn't by and large use controlled crying in the past. In the past they bed-shared. The teaching baby independence weirdness we have these days is strictly a victorian idea.

NButt can your DD roll both ways? Have you tried putting her down on her front or side drowsy? She might settle faster that way. DS certainly did - he didn't self settle regularly til 7 months (started at 5/6 months) and only slept decent stretches once he could flip onto his belly. He has silent reflux which was probably why.

We tried pick up put down for three nights but stopped after he was horribly snotty and crying and hiccuping. Not "releasing tension"! In the end we used to put him down drowsy on his side and pat him with one hand and holding him gently with the other. Then I gradually started to put him down awake and step away from the cot and he'd fall asleep after flapping about.

I ditched the books and went with my instinct and realised that he wouldn't self settle if something was wrong. Now at 14 months he's fine unless he's teething or ill. The time has flown by and I wish I didn't worry so much (he was waking every 2 hours for months so I felt like death a lot!)

i really recommend co-sleeping as well. Baby sleeps, you sleep, problem solved. And you may well end up with a more emotionally secure and happy child.

I would also recommend William Sears books, i bought his 'baby book' and although i wouldnt follow it to the letter a lot of it does make perfect sense. At the end of the day if something makes you feel so bad (CC) then why do it?