Interfering stranger when I reprimanded my DS at Post Office

[namechange100]

This has been bugging me and I don't know why

At the counter of the Post Office I was being served whilst sending a large parcel. My DS interupted to say he had put his rubbish in the bin. I sharply said to him 'No wait - I am talking to the lady'

The elderly lady next to me tapped me on the arm and said he was only trying to tell you he has put the rubbish.... I said 'yes but he shouldn't interrupt' DH and I are constantly trying to impress this upon him as we consider it rude and in time we expect him to learn this as he is only 5 and know that this is normal for a chuild his age.

Incidentally there was a mistake with the postcode which needed correcting.

When I finished she said again her was only trying to tell you, he's a good little boy.

I didnt tell him off as such but her comments made me feel guilty and then very self conscious as there was a que and I thought did I look like some sort of monster mummy.

I said to DS on way out of shop, now tell mummy what it was and he couldnt remember!

Whats so wrong with reprimanding and trying to instill good manners, its like she felt sorry for him.

What's weird is that you are still bothered by this now. Perceived slights are rarely worth holding onto. You will do what you think is right regardless of whatever anyone else says. FWIW I think you were both wrong, you didn't give your child a quick acknowledging smile and raised a finger to say 'one second' and the little old lady was wrong because it was none of her sodding business.

I don't think it is weird to be bothered by an incident like that. It shows that you are not so self-centred and thick skinned that you are convinced you are always right, and you are willing to take lessons even from people who have, frankly, been a bit offensive (albeit in a sweet, interfering, not-meaning-it-like-that elderly lady sort of way). Now you've clearly learned your parenting and coping with interfering do-gooders lessons for the day, you can relax about it, knowing that you are on the right track, after all!

who its not weird that I am bothered at all, it's because I care enough about how I am parenting my child to reflect and the comments on here constructive or otherwise have helped me reflect further.

Thanks rabbit crossed posts there

I think namechange this is one of the areas of parenting where people do not agree.

I actually agreed with your reasoning but having followed this thread I will be using the more positive 'zip it I'm talking approach'.

Personally I have found Goblinchild to be very insightful re behaviour. She has come to my rescue many times about how to get my 'quirky' DS to understand things.
Shes blunt but very annoyingly-- usually spot on.

Sometimes as a parent our principles are right but the way we portray them may not be the most constructive.

Some times the laid back does work most effectivly. The difference is laid back not 'not dealing with it'.

EG One day when out swimming, me, DS 6, my friend and her dd's 5&6. I was talking to her DD1 about her upcomming school disco. She showed me her new earings and I commented how lovely they were. Her DD2 literally appeared 2" from my face asking at the top of her voice do you like mine too? I said 'oh yes, I'll have a closer look in a minute I'm just talking to DD1'. Her mum, my friend, then reached out to the DD2 and said in a really baby questioning voice 'cuddles'. 1) shes 5 FFS and 2) thats how you give a child a sense of entitlement.

Well hopefully, after this thread I'll be a more patient mum and when hell freezes over DS will become less impulsive.

Hi mumbar, I have discussed this with DH and about how our parents taught us this particular aspect of manners. He also pointed out that if we wer'nt as 'tough' or on at him re this sort of thing he would walk all over us as he has strong chatty little nature about him! I should point out that DS is an only child too.

Since posting before I have read DS a bedtime story and he interupted the last line of the story to ask for the next book! I just said night night and came away before I burst into tears. I have given myself a hard time over this. I have decided having spoke to mum, DH and all comments on here that I would still have reprimanded him for the principle of good manners but done it differently.

Mumbar when we were at the school nativity last week I was speaking to a TA afterwards about my DS as he had been poorly, and a child who knows me came straight up and burst in saying my name, I said 'just a minute I'm talking with XXX,' mum never said a word to her child.

It is irritating when children interrupt, but I do think you can remind them not to do it without being "sharp".

btw if your kid is talking loads and loads and cannot seem to get the patience to deal with situations that are slow please get him/her tested on a range of intelligence tests - super bright kids will not only talk a lot but quickly rationalise why talking a lot is acceptable even if boundaries are set - before they realise they are intelligent and have to hold back for other's sake (circa 9-14) you need to be aware and manage this, by either a) tiring them out intellectually (stimulating and encouraging them before the period of concentration) or b) tiring them out physically(or c) both.

I could be wrong, but if your kid has high intelligence and you block and restrict him/her you are in danger of teaching him/her that no only is his/her behaviour wrong, but they themselves are wrong, and it will take them a long time to recover.

I think the old lady was an interfering old bag who should have minded her own business!! So you snapped at your child whilst you were talking to someone else because they interrupted you? So what? We all sometimes snap at our kids and those who say they don't are imo either lying or too holier than thou!! I bet your DS doesn't remember you doing so and is therefore NOT scarred for life!

He is 5 fgs! He put rubbish in the bin! Woopy do - as someone else said, he should be doing this as a matter of course and should not need praise for doing so. You should not have to give praise/attention to your child for every single action they do. Unless of course you are a perfect, patient mother who never looses her rag and is not living in the real world of course!!

Don't worry about it OP. Give those who think you are a less than perfect mother a wide berth and stick with those of us who think you are just a normal mum dealing with LIFE WITH A SMALL CHILD!

And ps, I would have probably have told the old dear to piss off and mind her own business!

x

silly.. the purpose of praise is not to do it until the little bleeders should know.. the purpose of praise is to consistently create good feelings about doing an action that has no other benefit at the time (putting litter in the bin is an effort and has little reward until you understand collective benefits - (about age 14 - 20 sometimes later...!) Praise substitutes and at 5 putting something in the bin when you are doing something else is a triumph in a) independent decision-making b) being responsible even when not observed c) bin-finding - quite difficult even for adults(!) d) courage - post offices are pretty daunting to kids when they are full of queues.

blimey... talk about over analysing things!!

silly......

nice poppyella....

you sound a bit angry

about what exactly?

Poppyella, yes people snap at their children when stressed, but if you read the OP, she felt that she was being judged for being snappy and she felt that she hadn't been.

What's so wrong with reprimanding and trying to instill good manners? It's as if she felt sorry for him.

So she isn't asking for sympathy as an overwhelmed parent who was snappy, she is seeking support from people who agree with her disciplining techniques.

Its great you have your DH on side. I still agree you did the right thing, as I say I do it doing every 5 minutes when DS interrupts.

It is what young DC's do but if no-one teaches them its rude theyt'll grow up with a sense of entitlement that they are more important than others.

I could just be talking rubbish - but my experience of the child in my example above is that she feels she is and should remain top dog, even above her sister.

poppyella
about people discussing Parenting on a Parenting thread

Most of us agreed the old lady shouldn't have said anything (although I hope none of us would swear at her in front of a child). I've been in that position and it's really upsetting. But the OP came on here because she wanted to discuss the issues. None of us is perfect and we all do things in the heat of the moment. Here is a place to think a bit more about it.

As it happens, I don't think 5 year olds necessarily know the right thing to do always. If we ignore the good things they do (and reprimand the bad), then the danger is that we end up with children who don't see the point of doing the good things and try to get our attention with the naughty things.

Children learn a great deal more from your behaviour and not just your words and orders than we give them credit for.

I try to remember this myself when I'm being testy with either my husband or my toddler.

They don't simply learn how to behave in society because of the things you constantly say to them.

I agree otchayiniye - that's how most of us get by with being less-than-perfect

Well, you could say that the problem with Society is that we have one rule for our children and another for everyone else. All you have to do is listen to our politicians, watch TV or read the newspapers, and we hear a bunch of grown ups talking and behaving like self-centred children in the playground - refusing to listen to others' points of view; interrupting; finger pointing; shouting; demeaning those different from ourselves; refusing to acknowledge mistakes; testing out who has the biggest weapons... How many adults genuinely practice what they preach to their children, 24 hours a day? Or is it enough to try to practice what we preach when our children are directly watching? How do we explain the double standards in our national press?...

You want to teach him not to interrupt?

Then, by your own admission, you then interrupt the old lady in the queue?

Come on! YABU!

And chill out ever so slightly. I hate it when my DC interrupt, but you don't need to be so aggressive with your DS (who was only trying to show you that he had done something good/helpful or whatever).

I think you need to be a teensy bit more flexible love!

It's good to teach your child not to interrupt but at the same time he needed to be praised for having put the rubbish in the bin. A quick smile and "Good job!" would have been fine, surely and then you could have swiftly returned to your own task. It would have taken you a second.