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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Interfering stranger when I reprimanded my DS at Post Office

71 replies

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 14:23

This has been bugging me and I don't know why

At the counter of the Post Office I was being served whilst sending a large parcel. My DS interupted to say he had put his rubbish in the bin. I sharply said to him 'No wait - I am talking to the lady'

The elderly lady next to me tapped me on the arm and said he was only trying to tell you he has put the rubbish.... I said 'yes but he shouldn't interrupt' DH and I are constantly trying to impress this upon him as we consider it rude and in time we expect him to learn this as he is only 5 and know that this is normal for a chuild his age.

Incidentally there was a mistake with the postcode which needed correcting.

When I finished she said again her was only trying to tell you, he's a good little boy.

I didnt tell him off as such but her comments made me feel guilty and then very self conscious as there was a que and I thought did I look like some sort of monster mummy.

I said to DS on way out of shop, now tell mummy what it was and he couldnt remember!

Whats so wrong with reprimanding and trying to instill good manners, its like she felt sorry for him.

OP posts:

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misdee · 14/12/2010 15:01

I can see your issue and understand.

However I would've 'that's great ds, but try not to interupt when mummy is talking' there by aknowleding he has done gone but reminding him of not inyerrupting.

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 15:05

crazycatlady

Yes I think this is what hsa bugged me as I feel judged and I never thought that she is of a generation of different parenting style and attitudes.

booy I dont understand your reasoning on this.

DS by side
I am talking to post office clerk
DS then speak to me which i break off my conversation to respond too -
I turn back to post office clerk then the old lady interjects

How can I have interrupted them when I was talking to post office clerk - bizzarre.

We do practice positive reinforcement for desirable behaviour and he is pretty good with tidy/close doors putting things in laundry etc so I didnt see this as a lost opportunity, however I do take on board those comments that have suggested I cold have tempered my response with a bit of 'ok thats great' but arguably if i had i am accepting the interruption.

I guess it depends what behaviour is more of a priority and I can say the interrupting is more of an issue for this but still - sometimes like what shatners said you have to bend your own rules so you dont look like a nutter!

OP posts:

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 14/12/2010 15:06

You do sound like you were bad tempered with him because he interupted your concentration with the post office clerk.

Sounds like teh lady felt very sorry for him and TBH I would have too.

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 15:07

Crossed post misdee yes I think your response would have satisfied both school issues.

It has certainly made me think.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 15:08

sorry not 'schoo' issues - I am thinking of looming school run

OP posts:

booyhohoho · 14/12/2010 18:02

if you read your OP you cut the elderly woman off mid sentence before she got finished, so yes, you interupted her. i see it doesn't actually say you interupted your ds so i apologise for that but you did interupt the woman. granted, she interupted you but if you are teaching your sonnot to interupt then you need to show him how not to interupt. you should have let the lady finish speaking and then explained why you had spoken to him so sharply. interupting her mid sentence as you did shows your ds that it is ok to interupt where you see fit and that what he has to say is clearly less important than what you have to say if you aren't able to wait until people have finished speaking before saying it.

i agree with others, i don't think this was about him interupting today, i think you were frustrated trying to get your parcel delivered and snapped. we all do it, but i think teh old lady embarassed you by saying what she did. i think that is what you have teh issue with.

rabbitstew · 14/12/2010 18:30

I think the old lady was very unhelpful and should have kept her thoughts to herself. She knows nothing at all about you, your child or how you normally behave with him, so is not qualified or welcome to make any comment. HOWEVER, I suspect she did not mean any harm, and probably thought she was being helpful in an odd sort of way (as in, not being one of those people who looks down on the bad behaviour of modern youth!) so, as with your little boy, the more patient and polite you could have been with her when harassed and stressed and surrounded by people being unhelpful, the better. Annoying of her to put you in that situation, though!

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 18:32

Ok I can see hiw my OP can read like that, and I hin you are right re last point re my issue, as its made meuestion my parenting style.

I dont like to think that this women thought what awful mum as i am not, she only saw a snapshot of us.

Nevertheless as i said in an earlier post it has made me step back and think a bit about how we all interact as a family.

OP posts:

rabbitstew · 14/12/2010 18:32

ps it was not unreasonable of the lady to feel sorry for your ds - he was stuck in a very boring queue, after all! Not your fault, but not wrong of her to feel sympathetic.

booyhohoho · 14/12/2010 18:35

i highly doubt that she thought you were an awful mum. at most it comes across as a frustrated mum who snapped a bit too quickly. if she has children i imagine she knows exactly how you felt and was maybe trying to diffuse things. i know my own mum recognises when i get frustrated with dses and will try to say things like " he's only playing" but sometimes, because i am already wound up i would rather she didn't say anything, it feels like she is picking on my parenting. she isn't but that's what it feels like.

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 18:40

Thanks rabbitstew for a wider perspective. I should add - just been telling my mum about this and I pointed out to her that upon collecting DS from school we cam home first to get a snack for him as he was hungry and I had a drink in my bag, I did see to his needs and FGS he is 5 and needs to understand that runnng errands is part of everyday life and that sometimes it is not his 'turn' to do what he wanted straight from school.

I would also add that he has a very outgoing chatty personality and is often described as very sociable and so needs to understand there are times when when it is required he is quiet. For example the dinner time staff at his school have told him not to talk as much so he has time to eat his dinner - I was not suprised at this as he is exactly the same when we eat at the table as a family.

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 14/12/2010 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 14/12/2010 18:59

Irritating but the old lady was paying you a compliment in a way - she approved of ds's behaviour. Shame it came across as criticism of you, though.

I do sometimes snap at ds when he interrupts me while I'm trying to put in my PIN. At that precise moment I really do need to concentrate for a second and it's amazing how often ds decides he needs to speak or tug at my sleeve right then!

Goblinchild · 14/12/2010 19:00

You may need to develop a thicker skin if you are going to be grumpy and snappy to your 5 year old in public.
YABU to fuss about coming across as a grump, that's what you were.

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 19:03

Well I guess I will just have to try harder.

Thanks for you empathy edam

OP posts:

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 14/12/2010 19:08

I tend to agree with iPaddle. I wouldn't of sounded sharp had it been my son I would have answered 'Well, done, now you remember what I asked you about interrupting?'

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 19:10

All the same goblinchild when i see someone so chilled out and smiley smiley and their kids a running amuck being rude I will think of your post.

I will try harder to a) acknowledge his littel achievement re rubbish and b) telling him he has to wait as I want him to learn some manners.

I still stick by my point of not letting him interrupt at any given moment in any siutation, it is not good manners and I do not want him to do this when older.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 19:11

Yes like thebreast just said this is how I will try harder.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 14/12/2010 19:14

'All the same goblinchild when i see someone so chilled out and smiley smiley and their kids a running amuck being rude I will think of your post. '

I'm a teacher, and parent to a teen with Asperger's. To be patient and civil to your irritating child, or other people's irritating children takes practise and patience.
Not being sharp and snappy doesn't mean out of control children, there are different ways of teaching social skills.
But by all means feel pissed off at my smuggery, I have a thick skin.

EatingAngelPie · 14/12/2010 19:18

Yanbu to be annoyed. the old lady should not have undermined you in front of your son.

Original poster

namechange100 · 14/12/2010 19:23

Ah goblin whats being a teacher got to do with it? I was a secondary school teacher for many years until recently and being in a classroom is completly different to parenting your own child.

FYI I wasnt in a grumpy mood either. This is about how I chose to respond to DS and added input from a stranger.

The parents I referred to re laid back are those that I have seen who don't intervene when their children are being rude or causing a fuss. I see this all the time at the gym family area and leave their kids to pester other parents who they know of for drinks, toilet visits - I have a regular little girl who comes to me instead of asking her mum.

OP posts:

SJisontheway · 14/12/2010 19:41

I think your response was fine. Old dear shouldn't have interfered. I bet your kids will have good manners and you don't come across as cold at all IMO

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/12/2010 19:43

I would try not to get too worried about it. To me it's a matter of principles (the principle that he doesn't interrupt - which is a good one - and really important to instil in a very chatty child) VS recognising, in that moment, what he was trying to tell you - ie - "I want your approval because I have done a good thing".

I can see how an observer might feel a bit upset on his behalf because he did a good thing and didn't get your approval, (you were prioritising your needs over his feelings) BUT we none of us are perfect. In a perfect world, you would have said "Well done, but next time please say "Excuse Me". In the real world you had loads to do.

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/12/2010 19:54

BTW - I possibly would have thought the same as that lady, in this situation, but I wouldn't have SAID it. So I can see that is annoying.

But it doesn't mean she was wrong, IYSWIM

Kewcumber · 14/12/2010 19:56

My DS is exactly lke your OP - 5 (just started reception) and is having a very hard time at school learning to stop talking when its not his turn to the point that he talks over everyone all the time. AS a result I am (very patiently) trying to teach him some impulse control and expect him to wait if I'm talking to someone. It is important for him to learn this because he's beginning to get into trouble at school over his inability to control his impulse to talk and interrupt all the time.

I'm not cold with him or abrupt (generally!) but I;m sure others would take the same umbrage at me doing it as when you do it because he's a sweet boy but they aren;t dealing with a child who has been threatened to be walked off the stage during the school play because he can;t let anyone say their lines. What was cute and enthusiastic as a 3/4 year old is becoming more of a problme in a 5 year old and needs addressing even if little old ladies don;t like it.

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