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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can I ask how much your 5 year old plays independently please?

48 replies

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 19:42

Because my DS doesn't very much. And maybe that is how 5 year olds are and I need to change my expectations a little, or maybe I have a full-on 5 year old..? I am curious.

So...he wakes at 6am and immediately wants to play 'little dogs' with me (ie I have to pretend to be his owner and stroke, hold, cuddle and 'train' him and generally ignore his 3 year old brother!) We eventually go down for breakfast, then after that he wants to play aliens with me and brother so we do that for 20 mins, then he wants to play doctors so I wrap bandages on him etc for 30 mins (again, brother on the margins), then he wants to play another game I cant even rememember of which I am an integral part...etc until at 9.45 he finally goes and plays just with brother for a bit.

Then telly for 30 mins (I want my brekkie!) then it goes off and straight away he wants me to play with him again...

If we have a day out, the second we walk thro the door he wants me to play with him. The only acceptable alternative is telly.

He has always been attached to my hip. If I take washing upstairs, he follows me. If I come down because I forgot soemthing, he comes down and up again. Sometimes I shout 'STOP FOLLOWING ME!'

Is this just how 5 year olds are...?

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jamaisjedors · 12/12/2010 19:52

My (now 6 year old) is not at all like that.

He plays with his brother or on his own most of the time.

I don't really get involved in their games apart from a couple of suggestions - today they wanted the telly on and I said no.

I suggested they make a lego volcano for their dinosaurs and so they did that for a good half hour until we needed to go out.

Maybe you need to have a telly ban to force him to find ways to play alone or with his brother.

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 19:58

But he doesnt watch that much telly - thats the problem (or rather, thats MY problem!) I have refused to go the telly route, unless Im desperate, but just can't seem to teach him to play without me.

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:05

No one else similar then? Bugger. What do I do to save my sanity (whats left of it?)

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zapostrophe · 12/12/2010 20:11

This reply has been deleted

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fattybum · 12/12/2010 20:18

my nephew is like this. He's also 5. Drives my sister mad because the minute they get in its constant "will you play with me"? My ds1 4.6 is not quite so bad, but thats because i just refuse to play. He therefore spends a lot of time bored doing nothing. Im hoping eventually he will learn to get on with it! Ds2 very different and keeps himself occupied brilliantly. I think it might be a first child thing.

chivers1977 · 12/12/2010 20:19

I have one of them too Oops..........possible dyspraxic, can't sit still always wants attention and to play with me. he is an only child and will be staying that way!

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:19

Advice then someone pleeeeeze!

I often feel I have the most demanding child in the world, but assume Im just feeling sorry for myself, so someone must have some tips surely?

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:23

Thanks Chivers..DS is so bloody bright and on the ball that dyspraxia is not something I have ever considered. Just googled it tho and its wierd how much applies.

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heymango · 12/12/2010 20:25

DS1 was pretty much like this - although perhaps not quite so extreme. He still likes to do stuff with me a lot (at the age of 8), and as you say, when we walk through the door, he wants to know what we are doing next. He was never particularly bothered about TV either - much more interested now.

DS2 is 5 and is completely different - he is really independent and will play lego etc on his own for hours. (Phew!)

I just tried to play for a period of time, then set up something for him to do (colouring, lego, puzzle) and go out lots. I think you have to learn to say no sometimes too!

MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:28

You need to try and wean him off you! Start slow and build up. Ds (6) has always played by himself but I've actively encouraged that (single parent so don't have lots of time to devote playing with ds). Mostly he plays by himself and may occasionally ask me to help him with something. He has a lot of invisible friends. When we do play together it tends to be board games - eg monopoly, chess etc. He doesn't need me for role play as that is what he does with his invisible friends!

fattybum · 12/12/2010 20:29

what does he do if you refuse to play with him? I do think sometimes you just have to let them get bored. My ds used to need constant attention but now just knows im not always going to play with him. He may not always do anything constructive, but at least he complains less.

MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:30

Can't you start by suggesting what he can do - eg building something with lego, a house, car etc or drawing a picture of something you suggest?

At 5 ds would get up, make his own breakfast and play without any input from me. Did (and still does) mean that I may go downstairs to find toys all over the place but at least I get a lie in.

MmeBucket · 12/12/2010 20:34

That's how my DD is. She drives me absolutely bonkers. Both DH and I have tried things to try to get her to play by herself or not "need" us all the time, but it never works. It has really been a shock, because DS (2 years and 9 days older) has always been good at entertaining himself, and she's just his polar opposite.

I have her with me all the time, because were in the US and she's not in school yet. I am really looking forward to next September. Basically I've just resorted to telling her if she's going to follow me around, she has to help me with whatever I'm doing.

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:34

If I ignore him he kicks off and will follow me around whining and crying about me ruining his life (he is 5 FFS!) until I a. play with him b. manage to distract him or c. put the telly on. He wont even play with his dad. It has to be ME! yes I know Im being manipulated but hes 5 and I still havent worked out how to deal with it. It started the day he was born.

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:36

What I meant was he has always been high maintenance. (Tho is lovely and some too of course!)

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MmeBucket · 12/12/2010 20:37

Oops, I think I was with you on the Aug. 2005 thread. (I was some other name, can't remember what it was) If I was, maybe it was just a particularly needy batch of children that month?

MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:37

I think it is hard and will take time to change his expectations especially if you have always done it. I have friends who have done the same with their dcs and they are amazed how hands off ds is. Difference being I have never had the luxury of being able to devote all my time to him so he never got used to it or expected it.

Could you try a reward chart?

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:39

Should add, thanks for everyone's comments, I am reading them all with interest.

He does plenty of bored tbh. I feel bad about it, but Im afraid I cannot physically entertain him all the time he is home.

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MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:41

Ds is high maintenance in the sense he is always on the go and never gets tired. He will never just sit and be, even if he is watching tv (he gets to watch certain fav CBBC programmes). He has struggled to master the getting one toy out to play with at a time idea but we've got there now.

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:44

MollieO, yes I have always done it, but at the same time a big part of me has always been desperately looking for space and I fear he has picked up on that and it has made him worse. So dont know whow to correct it. Indulge him, or get a bit strict? No idea what he really needs from me.

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Tgger · 12/12/2010 20:45

My son is similar (age 4). But there is hope!!!

I think a lot of it is habit. Yes, personality too, but over the Summer holiday I really managed to tweak things so that I had time when I played with him and time when we did our separate things. I would also watch out for him getting into his own flow and sneak off to do my own things!!!

I think maybe some boys are more intense than girls and as littleys it is tempting to give them lots and lots of attention, however at some point this just becomes TOO MUCH .

You have to sit out the reaction, or at 5 you can probably have a calmer chat about it and then remind him...... he's not a baby though and don't be manipulated if you can manage it!!!!

As pp said gradually wean him off you- can you get friends round for him? This is what I do sometimes and DS is much better and plays with them and not me (hooray!!!)

fattybum · 12/12/2010 20:46

its really hard i know! I just think that most children do something that drives you mad. I played with ds1 for about 90% of his waking hours til he was about 3, then just realised it was driving me mad! Having ds2 also pushed me to do less with him. Nobody told me you could say no to playing. It meant that he was used to playing with me all the time, so it was a struggle to stop, but i think you just have to go cold turkey and say no and stick to it, regardless of tantrums or emotional blackmail.

ShanahansRevenge · 12/12/2010 20:48

Mine is 6 now...I play with her at least once during the day...not so much in the week when sheis at school...but it's more like we will do a craft project together..my 2 year old loves pretend games and I often have to be someone else!

MmeBucket · 12/12/2010 20:49

I've always encouraged mine to play on their own ever since they could sit up. (I'd leave them surrounded by pillows and toys and every so often disappear into the next room for a few minutes) My problem is DD would rather be bored following me around than having fun playing with anything else. She won't throw a fit or anything, she just keeps showing up and plops herself by me.

MollieO · 12/12/2010 20:50

In terms of playing he doesn't actually need anything from you at all. I have a friend who will show her dc how to play with whatever toy they pick up. I've never done that with ds. If he asks me I will show him but usually he works things out himself.

You can't suddenly stop playing with him but you can limit the time to when it is convenienent for you. For example if he wants to play first thing but you have things to do you could set a timer and suggest what he should do for that time. Reward him with a sticker. At the end of a week if he has X number of stickers you could suggest a treat as an incentive.

You also need to encourage him to play with his brother. That should get easier as his brother gets older - 2 yrs is not too much of a gap.

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