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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can I ask how much your 5 year old plays independently please?

48 replies

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 19:42

Because my DS doesn't very much. And maybe that is how 5 year olds are and I need to change my expectations a little, or maybe I have a full-on 5 year old..? I am curious.

So...he wakes at 6am and immediately wants to play 'little dogs' with me (ie I have to pretend to be his owner and stroke, hold, cuddle and 'train' him and generally ignore his 3 year old brother!) We eventually go down for breakfast, then after that he wants to play aliens with me and brother so we do that for 20 mins, then he wants to play doctors so I wrap bandages on him etc for 30 mins (again, brother on the margins), then he wants to play another game I cant even rememember of which I am an integral part...etc until at 9.45 he finally goes and plays just with brother for a bit.

Then telly for 30 mins (I want my brekkie!) then it goes off and straight away he wants me to play with him again...

If we have a day out, the second we walk thro the door he wants me to play with him. The only acceptable alternative is telly.

He has always been attached to my hip. If I take washing upstairs, he follows me. If I come down because I forgot soemthing, he comes down and up again. Sometimes I shout 'STOP FOLLOWING ME!'

Is this just how 5 year olds are...?

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:51

MmeBucket, probably not me, too many name changes ago for me to be recognisable, plus Dscame later than that! But he was tough from birth - premature and then colic from hell. Me and DH are still genuinely traumatised by those early months (but thats another story!)

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MmeBucket · 12/12/2010 20:56

I was on with an Oops, and I thought maybe you were her with a lengthened name.

It sounds like we had a similar start with our two, though. DD wasn't premature, but she had horrendous colic for the first 5 months, and other problems that she wasn't diagnosed with right away that resulted in her waking up about 10X a night average. DH used to come home from work, and I'd give her to him and go cry in my closet pretty much every day. It sounds like your DS and my DD have much in common.

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:56

Just read your other post MmeB and thats it - DS would rather be bored trailing around after me than play on his own. Except mine does throw a fit, blighter!

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fattybum · 12/12/2010 20:57

my ds1 is going thru a strange phase of not playing with any of his toys, lego, craft etc so most of the time bored. I keep telling him to get something out but he's got no interest at the moment. Wondering if its got anything to do with starting school...

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 20:59

Blimey, yes MmeB, done sleep problems too! I wasnt Oops in those days but otherwise we clearly have twins. DS has only in the last few weeks started sleeping through. has been anything up to 7 disturbances a night until now.

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FrustratedHippy · 12/12/2010 20:59

I am not sure what you could do to deal with it other than embark on a reward system whereby your ds is 'rewarded' with food or you playing with him for independent play

my ds is 4.7 and plays independently 95% of the time ... I have tried to instill this since birth as i believe it is good for imagination and ( my own weird theory) less likely to lead to ADD type issues

I like kids to have a high boredom threshold as i also believe this makes them more likely to 'drift off' into imaginative play I often think if I am involved in the play then they 'lean ' on me for cues and over a matter of weeks can start to be less independent - at which stage i try to pull back again ..

the reward system sounds odd but when it starts working it's like potty -training , you can quickly stop implementing the rewards as hopefully the desired behaviour takes over
this might all sound a wee bit clinical but it's just a means to a positive end!

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:02

fatty, yes, i think it is worse at the mo because he is too tired to sort himself out. But my issue I guess is that his default is always me, but I have another child as well as the housework etc as well as my own life (supposedly) Sigh.

But he is so bloody gorgeous too!

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mumbar · 12/12/2010 21:03

My friend DD also 5 has become like this recently. She will not play alone, or if she does comes back every 5 minutes or so to check where her mum is. Its so bad she will not sit in her car seat or shut her door until her mum is in the car and belted up, just so she knows mum will get in straightaway.

We're thinking some kind of seperation anxiety?

MollieO · 12/12/2010 21:04

Ds was prem, not expected to survive. Had reflux until he was about 8 months and also had lots of infections (continual antibiotics for first 4.5 yrs).

He has always had an incredibly vivid imagination, which I think helps with him playing by himself. He has had a whole host of invisible friends since he was 2.5 so even if he is playing by himself doing the sort of role play that your ds wants you to do with him, my ds just gets one of his invisible friends (complete with different voices). Makes my life a lot easier.

If he wants to follow you around can't you try getting him to do jobs for you? Ds loves dusting and hoovering!

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:05

Oh Frustrated, believe me I have indeed tried to instil it from birth. He wasnt having it tho.

But will indeed try a reward system, he so needs to be weaned off me.

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MmeBucket · 12/12/2010 21:08

Oh, that's awful. I'm going to show DH this thread, because I think it will offer him the same comfort as me that we've always had such a terrible sleeper. DD is down to coming in to our room several times a week wanting to sleep with us. She always gets kicked out (unless she's sick), and still comes in anyway. We had to put her in a regular bed at 13 mo, because she had learned to climb out of her cot, and would come out the minute we put her in, because she was determined to be with us.

I'm lucky because when DS is home, the two of them play brilliantly together. But now that he's gone 7 hours a day, there's a lot of time to fill without him. I've always said that she just seems to need "more love than the average bear".

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:09

Mollie, yes my DS is very imaginative too. Amazing stuff he comes out with sometimes!

When he was younger he would help out happily, but has his own agenda these days!I think he is a bit of a control freak quite frankly. Has to be his game, his way.

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FrustratedHippy · 12/12/2010 21:10

I am lucky to have a sort of kitchen/sitting room and another trick is to put tired and fretful/clingy chid on the sofa under a rug with a pile of books - whilst I get on with things in the kitchen ( you could always shove a beanbag or something in a corner if there's room) I OFTEN find he will start of=ut grumpy of whiney that I am not actually reading to him or even get up and cpme to me but again ( a bit clinical) but keep popping them back on it - maybe refreshing the books and pretty soon he may start 'reading' the books independent of me. If it's a big pile I may get an hour!

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:14

MmeB, tis bloody hard this parenting lark.

Somehow we managed to get away with not having the children come in with us (DS2 followed on nicely by having a 4.30am getting up regime) ...but at the expense of being summoned repeatedly in the night I guess. Maybe having them in with you isnt so bad?

yes to the 'more love than average' being needed. Thats so my DS.

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fattybum · 12/12/2010 21:14

i think maybe wean him off for your own sanity, but dont expect him to become brilliant at playing by himself. Maybe thats ok, we are all different after all! My two are so different. Ds1 still wont complete a jigsaw on his own, whereas ds2 has been since just turning 2. Much easier for us if they'll keep themselves occupied, but unlikely to affect anybody long term!

Oblomov · 12/12/2010 21:20

Depends on the child.
Depends on the parent.

Ds1(6) has always required little entertainment. I am so busy putting on a load of washing etc, I have to remind myself to play with him. I get down on the floor, and go 'rooom, roomm', with the car and suddenly realise that I can't remember the last time i was down there. Ds2(2) also amuses himself alot.
Whereas my sil is the worst kind of helicopter parent I have ever met. Her 2 children ds(6) and dd(4) needs consatnt, 24 hr entertainmnet.
Makes me drained , just watching them, or when they phone to say what they've been up to.

Aint, nought as queer as folk.

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:20

True fatty, in ten years time I will have forgotten it all. Good to have perspective. (Hope that doesnt sound sarcastic, I mean it!)

So long as I dont throttle him in the meantime, that is!

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:23

But Oblomov that sounds like you think I want it like this. So not the case. I would very very happily benignly neglect.

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MollieO · 12/12/2010 21:25

The other thing that may work is try and get him to understand that he is the big brother and help out his younger brother with games/play etc.

Whatever ds does he likes to be in charge, which I know has caused problems at school as he doesn't always like it if the others won't play his game. He is getting better though I sometimes think he is a bit too independent for his own good.

Oblomov · 12/12/2010 21:25

No no OP, I didn't think that.
Some parents do, I'm sure. Fullfills their needs. But many, just have a child who just is. whatever name we want to call it. high maintenance ?
not going to sudddenly change personalities, are they ?
so other than a bit of weaning, gently, what can you do ?

Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:29

Brain has imploded, too much role play today you understand but will re-read this all tomorrow and will be trying many of the ideas sugggested. thanks all for the advice and understanding.

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Original poster

OopsDoneItAgain · 12/12/2010 21:36

Just a last thing having re-read - MmeB - my 'maybe thats not so bad' comment about your DD climbing in was meant as a 'sounds you've handled it fine'.... but when I re-read it sounded a bit like 'my life is so much harder because I get up' which so wasnt what I meant.

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InkyStamp · 12/12/2010 21:39

Fattybun - just wanted to pick up on your comment about them not being 'into' anything. My DS 5yrs is at that stage too! Made Christmas presents hard! I am waiting for the next phase to begin!

But he is like another posters DS - give him scissors and paper and he is off!

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