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Original poster

*Help* DD taking any sweets, chocolate, crisps without permission and then not owning up to it

49 replies

kath4kids · 21/09/2005 12:54

DD 2 11 yr old is taking sweets, crisps, chocolate biscuits and hiding the evidence in her room.

Sweets were going missing and have challenged both children about it previously and neither admitted to it.

But dd1 has just come home early from school as she just done a sponsered walk and i asked her if she had taken 3 packs of sweets/chocolate that we have discovered missing today and she said no but i know where the jelly baby bag is and took me to dd2 bedroom only to discover about 20 empty crisp, chocolate, sweet wrappers in drawers, storage boxes etc.

Now what am I going to do coz when i challenge her she will deny it, but when i present her with the evidence she will make some excuse.

Any ideas?

I have always taught them to tell the truth and they will get in less trouble than if they lie and the truth later comes out.

I don't think she is hungry so why is she doing this?

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Thomcat · 21/09/2005 13:00

becasue they are sweets, you don't have to be hungry to take them. Change where you keep them, put them somewhere she can't find and get to them or don't buy them at all????

Thomcat · 21/09/2005 13:02

Oh thought that said she was 2, but then saw it said she's 11. That makes a bit of a difference, sorry. I thought you had a cheeky toddler knicking sweets. hmmmm not sure why she would take food and hide evidence, it points towards deeper problems. I can only suggest you sit down and have a one toone chat about what might be worrying her.
Sorry.

IlanaK · 21/09/2005 13:08

I used to do this. I had one sister and we would both deny it, and then stash the wrappers in various places. For us, it was the beginning of a life long battle with food. I wish at the time that someone had done something about it.

I have nothing to base my advice on except what I think might have helped me at the time. No-one ever confronted us about it. I think you should confront her and say you have found them, but don't be angry about it. There has to be an underlying reason she is doing it. If you can try to get her to open up. Maybe she is unhappy about something and confort eating? If someone had helped me address the underlying issues in my life, I would have stopped hiding the sweets.

HTH

koalabear · 21/09/2005 13:16

IMHO, i would start by sitting down with her and reiterating the difference between lying and telling the truth (ie. do you know what a lie is? do you know what telling the truth is), and then say that if you lie, you get into trouble, and if you tell the truth then you will not get into trouble

having set the ground rules, i would then ask her again if she has been taking the sweets and say, looking into her eyes "before you answer, you should know that i know what the truth is"

hopefully then she will say "yes, i have been" and you could say "let's talk about why" " how can i help you" "are you unhappy?" etc etc etc - keep language non-personal, and without blame

if she says "no", then you need to confront her with the truth, and then try to have the same conversation in a non-confrontational way "mummy is not mad at you, but i am confused as to why you would lie to me - let's talk about that"

just a suggestion - hope this helps in some way

Original poster
kath4kids · 21/09/2005 13:54

she definately knows the difference between truth and lies as we have been here so often before.

She has always been one to eat all her sweets in one go, where as her sister makes hers last forever. And i know that at christmas/easter she has always ended up taking her sisters when hers have all gone.

I really don't think she is unhappy as this is such an ongoing thing.

Is it because they have never really had many sweets. Would i be better allowing her to have sweets everyday or would she still take more?

Oh i don't know if only children came with manuals where one suits all we would be ok wouldn't we

OP posts:
MarsLady · 21/09/2005 14:00

kath4kids, it's something that I am going through with my almost 11 yo as well. Unlike your DD mine can make her sweets last, but she still sneaks into the larder and scoffs extra.

Mine get sweets on a Saturday and the occasional treat, but she's the only one who does this.

I have confronted her and it stopped for a while, but it seems to have restarted. Also, she seems to be hiding sweets all over the place, much like an alcholic hides bottles.

I'm watching this thread to see if anyone suggests something else. Maybe it's time for one of our girlie shopping trips with lunch.

Here's hoping we both solve it.

Tiggiwinkle · 21/09/2005 14:01

My DS4 does this. He is just 12 and has been doing it for quite a while. In his case it is to do with us watching what he eats because he is a bit overweight. (He is the only one of my 5 DSs to be on the chubby side and we are tackling it with a sensible diet and exercise etc.) He knows we know about his taking the food, but he still does it and denies it.

Tiggiwinkle · 21/09/2005 14:03

By the way, we find wrappers all over the place as well!

Tinker · 21/09/2005 14:03

Don't have them in the house. I know that's not addressing the lying issue but she may understand it as a consequence of not telling the truth.

Tiggiwinkle · 21/09/2005 14:05

I dont think it is as simple as that Tinker, especially when there are 6 other people in the house as well. It does not seem fair to deny everyone goodies and I dont tnink it does address the issues either.

soapbox · 21/09/2005 14:10

I think this is to do with control rather than hunger.

You control access to the sweeties - and she wants to control them!

I think its the start of the shift to independent living I'm afraid!

Rather than keep the sweets in a central place which you control give your children all a lockable cash box where they keep their own stash of sweets for the week!

They can eat what they want when they want, but they won't get any more unless they work for a pay for them themselves!

I think you need to relinquish some control to her, but still keep some boundaries around her behaviour!

The lying is not good, but I would think not untypical at this age

Original poster
kath4kids · 21/09/2005 14:12

If it wasn't sweets it would be biscuits, tbh we don't buy many sweets it usually when grandparents visit and bring a few things for each of the 4 of them. They both live 150 miles away.

Reassuring to hear there are other children doing this though

OP posts:
MarsLady · 21/09/2005 14:15

that sounds a better for me soapbox. I don't keep sweets around the house (nor biscuits, but that's cos of my urge to scoff them all). She gets sweets on a Saturday and hides them about the place. If one of my sisters come visiting they bring the largest amount of junk food you can imagine. I give much of it away (sssshhhh don't tell).

I'm pretty strict, but will have to give some thought to the control thing. The last thing that I want is for sweets/food to become a control issue.

Thanks.

Tinker · 21/09/2005 14:16

Hadn't read your message tiggiwinkle. If I had an overweight child whose weight I was trying to tackle, I wouldn't have crappy foods in the house to tempt him, sorry.

Tiggiwinkle · 21/09/2005 14:27

Sorry tinker, but you do not know my circumstances, do you?
I also have an autistic child who has a very limited
diet and who needs high calorie foods to keep his weight up. Ditto my coeliac DS who also has trouble maitaining his weight. And who said anything about crappy foods? I personally am talking about high quality foods with a high calorific content that are inappropriate for this particular DS. So keep your snide comments to yourself!

Tinker · 21/09/2005 14:30

The thread title is "sweets, chocolate, crisps." How am I supposed to mind read that your boy is stealing "high quality" stuff? Jeeze!

soapbox · 21/09/2005 14:36

Tiggywinkle - whoa!!!!

Tinker was not replying to your message in the first place so how the hell was she being snide - she was replying to the OP!

And why should anyone know the ins and outs of your situation, FGS - MN has a big population!

Tinker's solution to the OPs problem was quite reasonable.

Tiggiwinkle · 21/09/2005 14:41

Sorry Soapbox but in her 2.16 post she is replying directly to my 2.05 post-and it is that reply I am referring to. Of course I do not expect her to know everyones circumstances, but her reply seemed like a put down to me.

soapbox · 21/09/2005 14:43

Tigglewinkle - I'm sorry but for the life of me I can't see why anyone would find that offensive. It is just a practical solution to a weight problem! Your circumstances aside, which Tinker clearly didn't know about, kids won't die without sweets will they???

Tinker · 21/09/2005 14:47

Thank you soapbox.

tiggiwinkle - not getting into a slanging match, can't be bothered. But in no way is my post "snide". It is not at all clear from your posts that your child eats too much "high quality" food.

Original poster
kath4kids · 21/09/2005 15:11

wo how can something so simple get so complicated. Surely any normal house has some amount of high calorie/junk food in it. All i was after was some advice not a fisty cuffs

OP posts:
Socci · 21/09/2005 15:17

Message withdrawn

Miaou · 21/09/2005 16:23

I was just like this at your daughter's age kath, am trying to think back now as to why. Tbh I didn't steal much stuff, partly because I was scared of my mum, and partly because we didn't have a lot of sweet stuff in the house.

However I was absolutely obsessed with chocolates and sweets, and had no control over myself with them. If my easter eggs (we usually got about three) lasted beyond easter day I would congratulate myself! And not much has changed sadly - I'm still a complete chocaholic and would happily eat four or five bars of chocolate per day. For that reason I keep very little in the house. I'm also very fortunate that I don't put on weight easily!

I think if I hadn't been so scared of my mum (and I'm not suggesting you should be scary!), and if there had been more sweets about, I would have taken more. I used to be sneaky about it though, it would sometimes be a piece of chocolate cake, or a bowl of ice-cream and chocolate sauce, or I'd mix up some chocolate butter icing and eat that - anything to satisfy my sweet tooth.

Btw my brothers were brought up just the same and neither of them were like this - must just be in my genes.

Not sure if any of this ramble is of any help, just wanted to give an insight into the behaviour. Feel free to ask me questions if it will help.

Original poster
kath4kids · 21/09/2005 21:18

Right sorry not ben around. talked to her when she got in from school and she denied it which i expected. Even when i took her to her bedroom and showed her the evidence she still denied it.

In the end i gave up trying to get her to say she done it and tried to get her to say why, does she need it

  1. to make her feel good?
  2. because she's not happy and it makes her feel better
  3. the thrill of getting away with it

And prob a whole lot of other things, but the only answers i got was don't know and nothing.

Eventually she said that she liked them

But tbh its not what she's taking its the fact that shes doing it and am afraid that it will lead to other things when she's older, (money, things from shops etc)

Also the fact that she seems to be a compulsive liar. There are other things she has lied about now and in the past.

Am i a bad mother?

OP posts:
MarsLady · 21/09/2005 21:30

NO! You are NOT a bad mother. Maybe it really is just a stage. I never had this with DS1 and don't know why I'm having it with DD1.

I know what you mean that it's not WHAT but WHY and that's what bothers me.

Maybe we just have to watch them and keep asking open questions about how they are doing to make sure that it's nothing more sinister than just a phase.

I wish I had the answer, cos then I'd help us both.