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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

ok..need alternative to smacking a 1 year old

51 replies

cathncait · 19/08/2003 13:21

i really need some ideas here. i don't really want to smack my 1 year old (I'm talking about a tap on the hand though not a 'real' smack). She is just getting at that stage where she's trying things repeatedly to see my reaction, throwing little wobblys and being very very wilful. I know this is very normal.. just need some tips.
Anyone with ideas would really be appreciated. does distraction really work and at what age is that not effective. Does it really teach them whats right and wrong?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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katierocket · 19/08/2003 13:22

cathncait - there is a very recent thread all about alternatives to smacking. Computer is running slow at the moment so can't search for it but try under behaviour/development.

katierocket · 19/08/2003 13:30

ah her you go
smacking

Original poster

cathncait · 19/08/2003 13:37

THanks Katie rocket. Appreciate that!

OP posts:

Original poster

cathncait · 19/08/2003 13:38

This parenting caper is hard work!!

OP posts:

FairyMum · 19/08/2003 13:48

Some good advice on this page too (+links):

www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk/

aloha · 19/08/2003 13:58

Can I suggest my favourite book on toddlers - and I'm not on commission It's called The Social Toddler, published by The Children's Project, and it is all about understanding toddlers, why they do the things they do and ways to manage behaviour without smacking. It's not patronising and theoretical as it illustrated all the way through with real toddlers and their very normal parents. Type the words into google and their site should come up. I also found it really, really helpful to read books about baby and toddler development. Once I knew why they do things the way they do I was more sympathetic to my ds. Distraction does work, so does steadfastly ignoring. Don't worry at this stage about teaching right from wrong - it is far too sophisticated a concept for babies IMO. I think it works better to think of it more like dog training you can effectively teach a dog not to bark at strangers or not to poo on the carpet without his having to understand why it's not on. The same goes for babies. The rest can wait!

aloha · 19/08/2003 13:59

I don't think a tap on the hand is harmful, BTW, just for me, not something I wanted to do, and anyway my alternatives work - most of the time

Boe · 19/08/2003 15:12

THE STAIRS - still instill fear in my DD and she is 3!!

If she is naughty or is going to be naughty all I have to say to her is do you want to sit on the staors and lo and behold perfect angel back again (yeah right - most of the time anyway!!)

oliveoil · 19/08/2003 15:15

Boe, my brother uses that one too and it works wonders!

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 15:16

Hmm, interesting thread. We are currently trying strategies with our 12 month old DD, who keeps knocking on our new £3500 tv screen. Incidentally none of them are working. She just looks over her shoulder at me and says 'No!'. Willful little sod !

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 15:17

The stairs isn't an option for a 12 month old IMO.

Boe · 19/08/2003 15:19

Oh - always used it for my DD but then she walked b4 10 months, suposse if child was not walking and kept trying to climb stairs would be a problem but DD realised that she was being punished and just stayed there for a few minutes before she realised she had to behave.

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 15:22

Ah ! Yes, the stairs would simply be another place to cause mischief / to hurt herself for my DD !

aloha · 19/08/2003 15:34

wsm, have you tried ignoring it? Not being funny, just that I doubt she could actually break it and because tapping on a bit of glass isn't much fun, it's clear that what she's really interested in is the fact that by doing X she can achieve Y (mummy saying 'no', which is obviously a fascinating concept to her! I found with ds that keeping my nerve and just acting as if I couldn't see him at all made him give up quite quickly. I literally didn't look in his direction, maybe read the paper or carried on talking to dh until he lost interest. I did this when he became fascinated with an electrical wire that went up the stairs. He'd pull it while looking at me to see what I did. No had no effect at all, but after doing it and getting no reaction, he stopped. You have to be quite brave! I did ignoring until ds started to stop what he was doing, and then distracted him by changing the subject - ie not mentioning the wire pulling but saying, "Look, there's the cat!" or soemthing.

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 15:39

You're right Aloha she couldn't break it but she really doesn't seem to look around at me until I speak to her. She seems to genuinely get something out of knocking on the tv screen !

I've tried distracting her but she just isn't interested. I've tried moving her away and not mentioning it. I've tried shouting at her. I've tried shouting at her and tapping her hand ad moving her away. I've tried as many combinations of the above as you could possibly imagine and none of them seem to work! Perhaps I just have to ride it out until she finds something new to knock on ?!

prufrock · 19/08/2003 15:49

wickedstepmother I have exactly that problem with dd (15m) She loves banging the v. v. heavy remote control against the v.v delicate TV. I take the remote control off her first, then if she continues to bang I pick her up and move her away. If she goes back I pick her up and take her to her room (easy for us as we live in a 2 bed flat) and leave her there. Do you have a childproof area where you can dump her and ignore her if her behaviour is "bad"?

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 15:53

Yes, I suppose I could put her in her room. But then I don't want her to associate her room with being bad, as I have worries that it'll open a whole new can of worms for her with bedtimes etc. I just worry that 12 months is a bit young to be enforcing this sort of discipline ? Don't get me wrong, I do discipline her on lots of other things and she mostly responds to that but this TV thing is the crux.

FairyMum · 19/08/2003 16:03

Does she knock with her hand? My ds tried knocking on the tv and the window with a little plastic hammer and I took it away from him. He soon realised that if he knocked on the tv with the hammer, the hammer would go. Now I only have to day "No or I take hammer (or other object) away" and he won't do it. I find that the threat of a toy being taken away works well for us!

Agree that putting tot in bedroom would be bad idea as they could come to associate bedroom with punishment.

wickedstepmother · 19/08/2003 16:06

She does knock with her hand (as if knocking on a door to be let in) and so taking the offending item away isn't an option !!!!

Boe · 19/08/2003 16:12

Convert the cupboard under the stairs - line with egg boxes or some other suitable sound proof material!!

Only joking!! My understairs cupboard is stricktly for the ironing board, hoover and DP when he is being particularly grumpy!!

elliott · 19/08/2003 16:12

I think at this age you don't have an alternative to just taking her away from it every time she knocks on it - imo its unrealistic to expect her to 'remember' that it is 'wrong'. Ignoring could work if you sense that it is your reaction that provides the motivation. Agree completely that it is akin puppy training at this age - I always remember the scene in the last series of 'child of our time' where they were training a dog not to jump up - simply by ignoring 'bad' behaviour and providing instant positive reward for the 'good'.
But to be honest, my nerves would be frazzled if I was trying to protect a £3500 tv screen - can't you put it somewhere that is adults only?? I personally wouldn't keep anything that really mattered in a room that ds played in!

prufrock · 19/08/2003 17:09

Hmm - hadn't though about that association. Although she has plenty of toys to play with in their, and its only a 3ft corridor away - I don't shut the door or anything, it's more about removing her from the scene of the "crime" and putting her somewhere she can't get into trouble.

aloha · 19/08/2003 17:17

Can you just ride out the knocking?? I find the v short attention span of a baby quite useful in this regard...

GeorginaA · 19/08/2003 17:34

I thought I read somewhere that punishment doesn't tend to get associated with the room or cause sleep disturbances? Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green I think it was in. He generally poo pood the idea and pointed out that you then couldn't use the dining room for time out in case it affected their eating, the stairs for time out in case they never wanted to climb the stairs when they were older or the living room for time out in case they never wanted to watch TV again...

... honestly, there's so many cool things in their rooms I really can't see it's ever going to be a problem.

Lil · 20/08/2003 09:40

I do wonder that if you have to resort to smacking a 1 year old, where does that leave you at 3-4yrs?

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