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Original poster

ok..need alternative to smacking a 1 year old

51 replies

cathncait · 19/08/2003 13:21

i really need some ideas here. i don't really want to smack my 1 year old (I'm talking about a tap on the hand though not a 'real' smack). She is just getting at that stage where she's trying things repeatedly to see my reaction, throwing little wobblys and being very very wilful. I know this is very normal.. just need some tips.
Anyone with ideas would really be appreciated. does distraction really work and at what age is that not effective. Does it really teach them whats right and wrong?

OP posts:
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judetheobscure · 20/08/2003 10:13

No probs at all with time out in bedrooms - it's not really a punishment (after all there are loads of toys in there) merely a distracting / defusing device. If you don't smack and don't time out you're not left with a lot else. Having said that I would say 1 is a bit young for either. But if ds aged nearly 2 is being naughty we do "time out" to the play room - it's got a gate on it and basically means he is deprived of me for a while. There's nothing he could damage in there.

wsm - is your expensive tv in the room he plays in? If it is then the only options left, as previously suggested, would be removing him from the tv every time (very wearing) or ignoring it (nerve frazzling). Sorry - not much help.

wickedstepmother · 20/08/2003 10:22

Yes, the tv is in the the lounge. We can't put her in the dining room to play as it is our 'grown ups formal dining room' and so there are lots of fun things to break (our wedding china for one ) The kitchen is more dangerous for her, as she has developed a penchant for pulling the oven door open and also grabbing at the cats bowls (ick !). The hall is ok I suppose as we have stairgates and the downstairs loo is just too horrid a thought (is perfectly nice and clean but wouldn't lock a toddler in there) !

Basically our house is fairly toddler unfriendly ! I know it's not ideal but I just wasn't prepared to live in a squishy, padded, primary coloured plastic filled house for the first 3 years of her, and subsequent babies lives !

Selfish maybe, but you know what ? I'm not bothered, I don't go out often I don't drink often etc as a result of having her. I would never change a thing and believe me she is the centre of my universe, but the nice things in my house are 'for me'.

prufrock · 20/08/2003 10:23

jude - why would 1 be too young for removal from the scene? (Not trying to be arsy btw - genuinely interested in your reasons)

wickedstepmother · 20/08/2003 10:26

Just a guess, but I would assume that a 12 month old baby/toddler is too young to make the connection ?

elliott · 20/08/2003 10:29

I agree that a one year old won't understand the use of 'time out' as a punishment - physical prevention by removal at this age is simply to protect the object in question at that particular time, I would have no particular expectation that they would stop trying to touch it - though eventually I think they would get bored and be on to something else.

wickedstepmother · 20/08/2003 10:31

Here's hoping, Elliot !

FairyMum · 20/08/2003 10:58

I don't think timeouts nor smacking is a very good idea for a 1 year -old. Again I would suggest reading some books on child development, because it might help you to understand how much you should be able to expect from a 1 year old. To be honest, I am quite shocked that people even think about smacking a 1-year-old. A 1-year-old baby is too young to necessarily remember that they were told off last time they knocked on the telly. They live in the present, and don't worry about the past or future consequences of their actions. Also, they are not mature enough to understand why they are being smacked. They do not make a connection between their action and the smack. Of course they will learn the difference betwen right and wrong, but it is our job as parents to gently guide them through the first couple of years. Tell them "no", remove them from the situation and distract them. Do it again and again and again. Don't expect too much from your baby. Things Take Time.
If your house isn't child-friendly then you will obvioulsy have many more of these situations. It's as simple as that really!

wickedstepmother · 20/08/2003 11:05

Hmm, think I'll pop to the library.

The problem I find with child development books is who do I trust ? There are so many books giving conflicting advice. For instance, I have read Gina Ford and would NEVER attempt to live by her rules, but I'm sure that there is a book giving the complete opposite advice to GF. Just because the authour has had a book oublished doesn't mean that they are right ! ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

wickedstepmother · 20/08/2003 11:06

Sorry, 'author'

Note to self - Must preview !

FairyMum · 20/08/2003 11:27

I know what you mean. I thought Gina Ford was a fruitcake until someone told me she doesn't actually have kids of her own. That's sort of explains her book ,-)
I tend to read books with different perspectives and take a little "wisdom" with me from each book. Perhaps you'll find one which suits your child and your family better than others?

elliott · 20/08/2003 11:37

Also if you look for something specifically on child development, or at least that refers in a reasonably scholarly way to research evidence, rather than a populist book which is obviously spinning a 'line'. You might not get a clear set of instructions but you can use the knowledge and understanding to devise your own way forward. Before aloha beats me to it I would like to suggest the book she raves about - 'the social toddler' - though it is really most relevant for 18 months upwards I think. It is a good way to start 'getting into their heads' IYSWIM.

btw I do think it is possible at this age to 'train' them not to touch something - but you have to be prepared for it to take time and not interpret it as 'being deliberately naughty' when they keep testing it out. I'm just remembering that there were a few things we persistently stopped ds from touching (speakers and hi fi) and I don't think he even bothers now.

GeorginaA · 20/08/2003 11:45

I don't think it counts as a time out just to remove her immediately she starts tapping. I seem to remember "training" ds not to eat sand in the sandpit about this age just by removing him immediately he put any in his mouth. It didn't take him long to associate putting sand in his mouth with something unpleasant (being removed from the fun).

Removing her immediately she starts tapping to somewhere boring for a minute (even if she immediately crawls back) might be tedious and might take a while, but I think it should work eventually. (Either that or your arms will drop off from constantly picking her up )

aloha · 20/08/2003 11:47

wsm, I also enjoyed How Babies Think by Alison Gopnik, Andrew Meltzoff and Patricia Kuhl. Two of them are professors of psychology, specialising in babies and children and one is a professor of speech and hearing sciences. They are all American, but very pro-child and clealy find children absolutely fascinating. I read it when pg and wuite often go back to it for reassurance and help in understanding what my ds is capable of and what his mind is up to now! It's not a behaviour book at all but more an 'understanding' book IYKWIM.

aloha · 20/08/2003 11:48

Elliot, so glad you liked the book

aloha · 20/08/2003 11:49

Elliot, so glad you liked the book

Original poster
cathncait · 20/08/2003 11:55

Thanks everyone for the contribution. I feel a lot better just knowing that other people wonder about this stuff too. Theres some great stuff here and I will defineately check out some of those books - thanks for the help, it makes a lot of sense/

OP posts:
prufrock · 20/08/2003 12:09

OK - what I do isn't a real "timeout" then - it's removal from the scene, not a punishment, and I do think it works. As soon as dd could crawl she tried to go behind our TV to play with all the lovely wires. Every time she did I removed her and said why don't you play with this book, toy etc. Within only a few weeks she had stopped trying to go there - she now does it very occasionally but always with that sideways look at me first - I only have to say her name in my "teacher voice"for her to giggle and move away.
I actually think that at 15 months she is making connections. For quite a while now she has known that all kitchen cupboards are out of bounds except her special cupboard by the step. It doesn't stop her trying to open the others - but she definately knows that she is doing soemthing wrong by doing so. And she only ever tries to open the forbidden cupboards when I am there to watch - attention seeking boundary testing behaviour or what!

Angeliz · 20/08/2003 12:21

Sounds really simple and doesn't always work but i've started counting to three with the promise of @no treats...no telly...if she doesn't stop. My dd is 2 and half though. As long as you follow throgh i've found she now does beleive me and usually stops whatever she is doing when i get to two and a half.........she likes to test me

aloha · 20/08/2003 12:36

Prufrock, funnily enough they have quite a bit on why they look at you when doing things in both books! Sometimes it's just to check they've done something properly and to gain your approval (though we tend to notice those looks much less, sadly), but it's really because they are trying to make sense of the world. They are also beginning to understand for the first time that her desires and your aren't always the same - which babies do appear to think. So he or she tests this new theory by testing out situations where you want different things - eg she wants to put her fingers into the electrical socket, and you don't want her to! "The terrible twos reflects a genuine clash between children's need to understand other people and their need to live happily with them. Experimenting with conflict may be necessary if you want to understand what people will do, but it's also dangerous. For two year olds, finding the truth is a passion and that passion may sometimes make them sacrifice domestic happiness" (from How Babies Think)
The book also points out that learning that other people's feelings aren't the same as yours is the beginning of empathy, which is why a two year old is able to cuddle you when you are sad, or try to cheer you up. So it's not all bad!

prufrock · 20/08/2003 12:59

Ordered the social toddler yesterday aloha!

FairyMum · 20/08/2003 13:03

Have just ordered both books you recommended aloha. I also like and recommend Christopher Green's "Toddler Taming". Gives a lot of good general hints on how to live with toddlers.

Any other great books you would recommend?

aloha · 20/08/2003 13:31

Yikes! The responsibility! If you don't like them send them back and blame me...

tomps · 20/08/2003 14:29

I love the Social Toddler too (bought ages ago on you-know-who's recommendation ! Also recommend Child Behaviour by Francis Ilg etc. Apart from the stuff about body shapes whcih is sub-Jackie quiz nonsense. But most of it's really fascinating !

willow2 · 20/08/2003 21:12

Agree that both smacking and full on time out are just too far along the line for a one year old to understand. I know it's boring, but repetition is the key at this age. You just have to keep stopping them doing whatever it is you don't want them to do and remove them from the source of danger/scene of the crime, time and time again. Hopefully, by the time they leave home, the messages you are trying to get across will have sunk in.

misdee · 21/08/2003 12:55

i have gone now almost 4 days with hardly any shouting at my baby. she is 11months old, as we speak she is removing 'safe objects' from my desk and screaming at them and me. she is also trying to get under the desk where she knows she isnt allowed to play with the fone. cue long tantrum from her.
i do tap her hand as said in the other thread. i find what helps is to keep things consistant. dont allow her to tap on the tv one day, (even if u ignore her doing it), then the next day for it to be 'naughty'. id she starts doing it either stay with the ignoring it way of dealing with it, or ALWAYS remove her from the tv.
hth