Who's gospel should I follow?

[RoxieP]

I am 28 weeks pregnant and a mature student taking a year out of medical school to have the baby (not planned but I'm very happy!). I'll be returning to study when the baby is approximately 9 months and ideally I'd like to be in the position where the baby is weaned and in a good routine so I can leave her with grandparents e.g. while I'm at lectures etc. Studying medicine is all-consuming and incredibly stressful as it is and I am not good on lack of sleep! Is Gina Ford the answer? I have my misgivings after reading up about it, but is a strict regime like this the only way of getting a baby in a routine that is conducive to the mother not being with her baby 24/7? Also, ideally I'd really like to be at home and enjoying the baby as much as possible in those first 9 months rather than implementing a military-style timetable. I'll have lots of private study to do at home, so it's not like my working day will be over even when I get home, so it would be heavenly to have a well-behaved baby which allows me to plan my time well and dedicate time for her and for other things like study. Or is this being naive and selfish? Ultimately I want to finish this degree so I can provide the best possible future for my child but will they suffer for it ealry on? I do have a very supportive partner, but he will have to work full-time too to keep the money coming in...

Congratulations! Different methods / books suit different parents and different babies. I think the best you can do is read a few different books and see which ones 'click' with you best. But most important of all, remember that you should not try to follow any book to the letter! Your DC is unlikely to exactly fit the routine in any book and you will turn yourself grey trying to make them fit. Just use the books for inspiration.

Some babies seem to fall into a routine quite quickly. It is certainly possible to have a good routine in place by 9 months. Similarly many babies are sleeping through a good proportion of the night by then.

YOUR OWN. go with what works for you and your baby, unfortunately you won't know til you get there! The main thing is not to stick to the 'regime' to the letter - most people i know who used Gina Ford always add 'of course, we adapted it to suit us' - and that really is the point.

I have plenty of friends who followed Gina Ford and it worked. But you'll have to wait and see what kind of baby you get, if they have any problems like reflux, colic etc.

Be open-minded and then you won't get such a shock if you have a screamer. Do you know anyone who has completed a medical degree with a baby? They might be able to offer advice - your medical college might be able to put you in touch with someone.

You have 9 months so go with the flow and enjoy the time you have together, but you might like to look at the Baby Whisperer. You get to know your baby and see what suits it. Routine is good for all children. You'll need it or you won't cope. Even stay-at-home mums need it or they'd go mad.

Good luck, you have to finish your training. I'm sure there are plenty of medical students getting by on little sleep because of drinking and partying..?

I second what omaoma said. My HV once told me "No one has ever written a book about you and your baby". That was the best advice I have ever had. I have friends who did GF and were in tears that it was "not working".

I have never read a parenting book, just gone with the flow and worked out what suited us. DS was in a well established routine by about 4 or 5 months.

I think you need to see what your baby is like first.

"I'm sure there are plenty of medical students getting by on little sleep because of drinking and partying..?"

Yes but they are barely out of their teens!

I think I do want to try to follow some kind of advice/book firstly as I am a bit clueless and generally I do like to take quite a logical/systematic approach to things and tend to like to be organised/follow routines - mainly because fundamentally I am quite disorganised if I let myself be! But I'm not too dogmatic in real life and I probably will just follow it loosely if I do use one of these books.

I suppose I will try and give one of these "systems" a try but I worry that as some of the advice goes against the more official advice of antenatal classes/nhs/DoH etc I worry that by not feeding on demand etc I'll give my baby some long term problem like malnourishment/a weird relationship with food or emotional scarring! The main books I've looked into are Gina Ford and the baby whisperer - does the baby whisperer aim to get them sleeping through the night early on too? I also looked at Jo Frost's baby book as I love Supernanny, but she advises no set routine early on and the advcie is a bit flaky and non-specific in comparison to the stuff she says about older kids.

Not sure if this is any help but I did veterinary medicine and remember someone who had a baby in the first clinical year and did come back successfully.

In terms of routines I can only echo what others have said- some babies fit into them beutifully and others just dont't! My sister and I both had our first babies within a week of each other and had very similar approaches to parenting. My DD has always been a very good sleeper, easy going and would have fit into any routine I had tried to impose (although I didn't read/follow any books) whilst my sister's DD has been the complete opposite and refused to follow any routine at all. Good luck- hope you get an easy one!

your own gospel.

throw any parenting books you have - the way of the charity shop.

parenting books are evil.

I have mixed feelings about these books. I didn't use any myself but some friends used successfully but others not so.

my friends who followed GF:

• Didn't manage to breasfeed as a mother's milk supply doesn't seem to provide enough if 'forced' into a four-hour schedule. Aome might think the opposite, but I only base my judgment on friends' experience. Milk supply is plentiful if feeding on demand. Also, I don't know anyone who has been able to express milk very early on (within the first few weeks) as recommended in GF.
• my friends followed it 'generally' but didn't get stuck in the details. So if it didn't work, they were constantly thinking that they didn't do 'as the book says' and felt terrible about themselves especially in the early days.
• If you miss the first few hours in the routine, the entier day goes to pots. Let's say, your baby wakes up at 5 am because of trapped wind or something, and stayed awake for one hour then fell back asleep, do you wake him up again at 7 if he is sleeping peacefully just so to stick to a schedule?

My own advice would be to really give it the first three months as feed on demand (both if you decide to bottle feed or breast feed), sleep on demand, lots of physical contact, his own schedule. Then start writting down his 'natural' schedule and try to fit GF around it if you want to. By 3 mo, your milk supply should be well established. I know that for many many mums sleeping through the night is an absolute necessity, and I feel for you because your will be studying very hard. I do know children who slept through the night at 3 months with GF and others who slept through the night at 6 months old without GF. And I also know one baby who slept through the night on the first night he was out of hospital and did ever since !!!

It is important to read a lot about stuff but there is a lot of conflicting advice out there. The best advice I would give regarding night time feed is to feed on demand for the first three months, then
not to rush in and feed as soon as your baby will be crying. Live him only for a couple minutes to see if he might settle down again.

I found parenting books helpful, but I did read them in a non-dogmatic way and took out bits that I found helpful. Gina Ford has a bad name because she has a tone of 'nanny knows best' and 'only my way will work'. When you've had little sleep and you're following everything she says and it's not working, well it can cause real anger and demoralisation.

I don't know how it's possible not to be baby-led at the beginning. With my second child I had to get my baby up at 7am every morning to get feeding etc. done in time to take my eldest to school. Life can sometimes force a routine onto you. But I wished I could just let her sleep as she wouldn't go to sleep till 3am in the first few weeks.

You sound very anxious - but you also sound like you have a good feel for how you want to go, so follow your instincts along the way and relax. You have 9 months to get organised.

I think you have time enough to play it by ear for the first few months. You might find a routine develops of it's own accord during that time? Why not read lots of books and pick the best bits? I always liked 'the baby wisperer' as it seemed more in tune with babe maybe.

Another point. Most of my friends who used GF or Baby Whisperer found it very frustrating and ended up saying things like 'why doesn't my child do what it says in the book'? and when they took a step back, they realised just how unreasonable the expectation is. If you bake a cake and you put in all the ingredients exactly as it says, and cook it for the right time at the right temperature, you know that the result will be a success. But with babies, you might do all the things it says in the book, but chances are, it might not be successful. That can be very demoralising and depressing.

I would wait until you have given birth and then decide.

In my experience giving birth and having a new baby will knock you sideways (in a nice way)and suddenly all bets are off.

I can remember reading the Gina Ford book before giving birth and thinking Aaah yes this is the way forward.

I ended up co-sleeping, feeding on demand and not going back to work for over a year. I never picked up another "baby manual".

Yours, yours and yours..

I suppose it's no harm to read, a bit of everything, but please don't have any ideas of what YOUR child will be like before he or she is even born..

Gina Ford and the like can sound incredibly reassuring and commonsensical while you're pregnant. Then you have a baby and realise how impossible it is that any one child should conform to their regulations! I'd say you're better off with Mumsnet, TBH - you'll get a range of opinions and the most likely thing is that you'll find out whatever your baby's doing is entirely normal - even if it's not in any of the books! (No idea whether the MN published guides are any use, of course!)

It all depends on your baby. Some babies sleep alot from early on. Some, like mine, don't nap at all for the first six months which makes it difficult to get anything done during the day. But nine months is plenty of time to become an expert on your baby and find a routine that suits you both. I first started leaving my baby for a few hours a week at nine months and he was fine, except that he was still breastfeeding wouldn't take a bottle so I couldn't leave him for more than four hours at a time.

I too read a bit of baby whisperer when pg and thought it sounded ok...but then I knew very little else to compere it to. Now I am pretty much attachment parenting (ebf, cosleeping, blw, ec, the lot) ...though it took me a while to realise this is what it is called. SO that was a journey.

You'll have lots of time when youur lo is here...nine months is a long time to a baby and they change so much week by week. By then they will quite likely be able to be left with snacks and a cup of milk (and an adult [hwink] )regardless of what you do when they are a newborn.

Good luck [hsmile]

I read GF when I was pregnant and it scared the crap out of me! We ended up putting the book away as we found it all too overwhelming at that time. But funnily enough, when DS was about 8 weeks old, we had another look and it decided to give it a go. It worked really well for us, and he was sleeping from 7pm until 10.30, having a feed, then through until 7am. He dropped the 10.30 feed as soon as he went onto solids at 16 weeks (different advice back then to now!). I'm not necessarily advocating GF for everyone at all, I'm just trying to illustrate how you just don't know how you're going to feel once the baby comes and it really is a case of horses for courses. Same as having a birth plan really - mine went completely out of the window!

I wouldn't read any of them! If you do then be very open minded and take only the bits that suit you.
I'm afraid that a baby is a life changing thing, (said by one who thought it would be a doddle!)and they don't read the books!! You can try Gina Ford but there is nothing to say that your baby is going to put up with it!

I bundled through for the first 6 weeks then read Baby Secrets which was a loose feeding routine and great advice about getting them sleeping through the night. I would really recommend it as it's not too regimented but gently leads you through areas where you might need help.

Mahalia Jackson. Definitely. Of course there's also Elvis...

i am also a student and have to work too, i'll be back soon and by then i hope to have a sort of schedule...

i didn't bother reading books, just listen to mum and sisters experience, even that, take with a pinch of salt...
i don't follow routines, my baby slept through the night since 6 weeks, suits me well, i also do badly on sleep deprivation... he is also very calm and hardly cries, quite happy to entertain himself with toys for about 20 min, now, my niece is 5 months older than him, she still doesn't sleep through the night, fuzzy eater, and cries a lot, not very different parenting styles, wait till you see what kind of baby you get, by nine months you will know when she is likely to sleep, be hungry, etc... and then again some babies do adapt to the new situation when mum gets back to work/study...

oh, if you worry about lack of sleep now, wait to junior doctor years, with 80 hours a week workload... take it easy, you know it will be hard, but you'll do it

When pregnant I read Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer and What to Expect in the First Year. They all had useful stuff in, but only the latter managed to avoid the somewhat evangelical 'you must do this or you're a terrible mother and will scar your child for life' tone. I've got the MN Guide to Toddlers and love it - if I was pregnant now I'd definitely get their Guide to Babies.

Also - babies change a huge amount in the first 9 months. You might have a baby who struggles to sleep to begin with, but by 6 months has a solid routine and good sleeping patterns, so try not to worry too far in advance. I wish I had been less worried about 'getting it right early on' and focused more about just responding to my child without fear of causing long-term problems.

I recommend Sidge's gospel -

Feed your newborn baby when it's hungry, not when the clock says xxx

Let your tiny baby sleep when it's tired, not when the clock says xxx

Keep your baby nearby, love it, hold it, enjoy it. You can't spoil a baby.

Go with the flow for the first 2-3 months, then you'll probably find you fall into a routine that suits you and your baby.

Babies of 9 months are massively different to newborns, so don't fret at 2 months because it's not eating/sleeping/pooing/playing on schedule.

Enjoy those early months because they go in a flash.

I second what Sidge said. Babies fall into a routine in their own time.

Thanks everyone. I was a high-maintenance baby and have stayed that way, whereas my DP is placcid and easy-going and always has been! Guess I'll just have to hope she takes after her Dad!

Here's one for you all - do you think babies are just born with a certain personality type or do you think it's how we bring them up that shapes their personality/behaviour?