Dummy or no dummy?

[Empress]

What's the current opinion on using a dummy? When I had my babies I thought they weren't good for them, so we never used them. Has that changed now? Are they in or out of fashion?

[trinityrocks]

I actually sucked my thumb untill I was 8 and I have nothing wring with my teeth at all. I'm not saying that for any other reason than to illustrate that some kids teeth will be affected and some won't. I hope that my DD2's won't be but at the mo she is absolutely in love with her thumb and I am happy for her!!!!!

[marthamoo]

Oh I did love sucking my thumb - and I also don't believe you can make them stop once they start (short of making them wear boxing gloves or amputation...) I hope your dd takes after you teeth-wise!

[bosscat]

Roxswood, you say you were with your baby 24/7. What would you do if you had another child, or even children to deal with. On a practical level its just not possible to be with them 24/7 unless its at the expense of the eldest. If you don't have any other children you really should try and imagine that not everyone is in the same postition you are and try to be a little more open minded. You say your baby slept right beside you and fed whenever she wanted to. Well, that isn't everyone's idea of good parenting actually, it suits some it doesn't suit others. Its certainly not the way I would choose to go but horses for courses. Finally, you say that a dummy is a substitute mother object. No it isn't actually. Its giving a baby the ability to SELF SOOTHE which is an entirely different concept. To see it in terms that you stated, that you want to be the only comforter your baby needs is not only unrealistic, its also a bit silly.

[bosscat]

didn't mean that to sound aggressive by the way if it came across like that!

[Roxswood]

Its a pity that its not okay to express a different opinion on this site.
I can not believe how defensive people are about their parenting on here.

I have a wonderful supportive husband who has enabled me to parent the way I wanted to do and I know that others don't have this. I also know that not everyone would choose to give up everything for their child for this beginning time but I think of it as an investment.
I actually believe the first person to say anything negative about another's parenting was you Bosscat with your comment just then.

This topic is entitled "Dummy or No?" So although you all seem to think I'm wrong I believe that means they want opinions from both sides of the fence?

To the person who said it isn't possible to parent this way with older children without depriving the older children I just have to say that a baby in a sling breastfeeding hands free leaves the Mum plenty of time to do things with an older child and co-sleeping often means the whole family gets more sleep so how can that be bad?

If you want a better explanation of my methods try reading a Deborah Jackson book.

I posted in reply only because someone asked how I managed at night and in the car without a dummy and I told them.
Nowhere did I say everyone should do it the same, I didn't say dummies were evil or that your children will suffer because you use them. I said I found them unnecessary due to the way I parented.

[Roxswood]

And how can you think a fake nipple is not a substitute mother object? For gods sake its a copy of your breast for them to suck on instead of your breast.

I believe the healthiest adults are those who rely on other people for comfort not those who go it alone or reach for a comfort object..

[SleepySuzy]

Who is Deborah Jackson? Please.

[Roxswood]

Deborah Jackson wrote Three In A Bed, When Your Baby Cries and Letting Go as Children Grow among others. She's a Mum of Three who has parented them all using similar techniques to the ones I described and has some wonderful evidence based information and personal experience of caring for babies the way they would want to be cared for rather than the "baby training" techniques advocated by many authors. Its definitely worth a read, even if you don't agree with everything she says, she has done a lot of research and has some really eye opening stuff in there.

[SleepySuzy]

Which would you recommend first?

[Ericblack]

I must admit I didn't really think Roxwood was judging, just giving her own experience. Bit concerned about her breasts though if they are the same shape as a dummy. Not usually a fan of plastic surgery but ...

[weesaidie]

Roxwood

'I believe the healthiest adults are those who rely on other people for comfort not those who go it alone or reach for a comfort object..'
'
So does that mean my dd will be an unhealthier adult than if she hadn't sucked a dummy?

And what if your child choses to suck their thumb? That is not a copy of a breast surely but something that comforts?

I never said you were not welcome to an opinion but that doesn't mean people won't argue with it.

[Roxswood]

No weesaidie, I was just responding to the person who said babies should be taught to self soothe.

If your baby gets comfort from you as well as a dummy, they'll grow up just fine. I don't think a child left with a dummy all day in place of human contact will grow up healthy, but that is obviously a different subject than the one we're discussing. I have never said they are harmful and I don't believe that they are (except in the early weeks of breastfeeding when they can cause supply problems and nipple confusion but thats another topic). I just don't believe that all children need them, though I'm sure lots of parents need them.

I enjoy debating a subject and am happy to receive other people's views. Thats how we learn, from others experiences that are different to our own, I only objected to everyone claiming I was judging them or not being open minded. I don't believe my original post was in any way judgemental.

Sleepysuzy, I would recommend reading Three in a Bed first, this has most of the basics of her philosophy and the history and results of verious parenting methods around the world. Letting Go as Children Grow is kind of a sequel for those dealing with older children as opposed to babies.

Thankyou EricBlack now you've got me giggling!

[Roxswood]

I meant various.. see I'm stupid as well as judgemental now..

[Roxswood]

Sucking a thumb for comfort is something a child chooses to do themselves and I don't think there is a whole lot you can do to change it. I believe many babies do it in the womb and I don't think its a reflection of parenting style particularly. Though I think if it continues to teenagerhood maybe we should be asking why.

[aloha]

Is a thumb a substitute mother? A muslin?
Actually there is research that shows that children who use objects to self soothe may be more mentally healthy than those who can't.
Breastfeeding is not the same as sucking. Sometimes very sucky children need to suck but dont' want more food. They would be sick and distressed. Of course if you child doesn't want or need a dummy it's easy to be smug. My dd doesn't have one - never has. This is NOT because I am a different person/better mother than I was before. It is because she is an entirely different child. And you can't know that until it happens to you. I presume you have never driven a car, pushed a pushchair, put your baby down for five minutes? And even if I had put my son in a sling, co-slep (which he disliked actually) and did all the rest, he would still have wanted a dummy. He loved the action of sucking. It was psychologically important to him. And you know, you can actually cuddle a child who is sucking a dummy. It's surprisingly easy.

[aloha]

Precisely. Babies suck in the WOMB. Is this because they are feeling neglected and lacking human contact? Hardly! It's because the need to suck is very profound in some babies. And not just connected with getting milk.

[aloha]

Also, babies choose to suck a dummy. Aside from taping it to their mouths, it has to be a choice.

[Ericblack]

I am old-fashioned no need to call me it but a dummy is aesthetically displeasing to me. Therefore my kids don't have them. I was very excited when my second started to suck his thumb so I could get more stuff done. Like Roxswood I think it is so brilliant to be able to breastfeed for comfort as well as food. And lucky too as I know some are unable to do it. And I sucked my thumb until I was 13, only stopping when an infection filled it with green puss making sucking a horrible thought. Even worse was when it burst onto my pillow. I threw up and never did it again. And I am deeply insecure and a sometime smoker.

[aloha]

You see, you should have had a dummy!

[marthamoo]

With ds1 I was with him 24/7, co-slept, breast-fed exclusively on demand, carried him around in a sling...and he still had a dummy. He was such a sucky baby (as aloha says, some babies just are) and even when he didn't want to feed any more he still wanted to suck. I think I would have lost the plot if I hadn't had the dummy - as it was I used to go to the toilet with him in the sling because he wouldn't be put down. Actually, even with a dummy I did lose the plot - but that's another story.

Ds2 wasn't at all like ds1 and with him I did use a dummy more for my convenience, I guess. When I had to put him in the pram and take him out because it was time to pick up ds1 from school - popping a dummy in his mouth soothed him and sent him off to sleep more quickly and with less crying than if I hadn't used one.

With ds1 though I believe he really did need something to suck - but not to be fed constantly. Even with a dummy I still did a hell of a lot of pacing up and down, rocking, singing and shushing at all hours of the day and night.

Dummies don't look great in a baby's mouth - if only because they obscure their gorgeous faces, and they look pretty grim in a 4 year old's mouth when they talk 'round' them...but they are bloody useful and no-one should be made to feel guilty for using them (I never did, actually - it's only since discovering MN that I've read such vociferous hatred of them - not this thread, before anyone leaps on me from a great height).

[SenoraPostrophe]

never wanted to use a dummy, but the mother of the woman in the next bed gave her one on her first night (couldn't complain - she offered to look after her for a couple of hours while I slept).

they turn out to be humankind's greatest invention.

ds spat his out at 6 weeks all the same though.

[weesaidie]

Agree marthamoo.

Some babies are offered dummies are not interested.

And I also agree Roxwood that babies left all day without human contact and only a dummy will be affected badly but I think this very rarely actually happens.

I don't like older kids with dummies, as then it is not so much a suckly thing,which is why I am weaning dd now.

[marthamoo]

No, I didn't take any dummies into hospital with me (well, apart from dh), then I was in for 10 days and one of the MWs fashioned a 'dummy' for ds1 out of a bottle teat stuffed with cotton wool because he absolutely could not settle, no matter how much he was fed/soothed/cuddled/walked with/sung to...

Ds2, I put a two pack in my hospital bag.

[spidermama]

Did you get buck teeth from sucking your thumb for so long ericblack? I sucked mine 'til I was about 9 when the dentist wired a nasty sharp trap across the top of my mouth so it would be agony if I tried to suck my thumb.
I do have a characterful overbite, but I'm not sure if the thumb-sucking is to blame.