I'm so exausted!! Please Help!!

[Needsupportbadly]

Sorry about this rant but I have no one else to talk too.

I have a 7 month old son who is extremely difficult to settle. He still wakes in the night 2 - 3 times and it is aweful. I feel like I am going insane. Myself and his dad can't agree on what to do as he doesn't want to try the 'cry it out' method and I want to try it. He thinks he will sleep through in his own time but at the moment I see no end to this nightmare!! (He does help a lot with the baby as he is unemployed). We only give him a bottle through the night very rarely so I don't think he is waking for food. He has 2 teeth on the bottom and I now think 2 are coming through on the top. He has only slept through 3 times in 7 months.

Also I leave our son to try and settle himself during the day at nap time but my partner goes to our son and rocks him to sleep. Our son does get very distressed and goes purple, breaths funny and it is aweful to listen too so my partner can't leave him. Once he is settled he sleeps for about 30mins - 1 hour. My partner thinks this is easier than listening to him scream for hours but I think this is contributing to him not sleeping through at night. We can't agree on what to do!

I am at college as I want us to get off benefits and I am tierd of not having enough time to do homework and to get rest!! I come in from college and see to our son, give him his tea, bath, story, bedtime routine and get him to bed while he is sleepy but awake. Once I have done that I do my homework so most nights I don't have time to eat.

We have no one that is able to support us so we never get a break from our son. I have tried speaking to both grandparents about how I need help, even just one night a month (which means one night every 2nd month for them) but they are reluctant to take him. They think we should manage as my partner is unemployed and I am only in college 3 days a week. Both my mum and my partners mum had no help at all with their kids so they think I should just get on with it. I have tried but I am totally exausted! We both are! Our house is a mess and our relationship is too.

I just wish that he would sleep through the night then our lives would be loads better! I feel like I can't cope and that I am going to completely loose the plot if things continue this way. I feel like I am a useless mother and sometimes think that my partner and my son would be better off without me.

Any advice people can give would be greatly appreciated.

co-sleep and cuddle to sleep. he's too small to understand self settling imo and it's natural to cuddle to sleep, animals don't leave their babies crying in bushes on their own.

i agree with your dh, he will sleep on his own when he is ready.

ds is 2.8 and is still cuddled to sleep, he is out like a light within 10 mins and sleeps all night.
much better than spending the entire night shushing and patting.
ds will be in our bed until he decides to go into his own one as it makes our lives so much easier.

Hi, sorry you are having a crap time.
With DD1 I tried to do everything by the book and ended up spending hours and hours going in an out of her room every night and drove myself to distraction.

With DD2 I didn't want to go through all that again so to be honest I just did whatever meant we could all get a nights sleep. Co-sleep or rock your DS to sleep. Do whatever it takes because I think your sanity and health is more important.

Wow!! Thanks for all your replies.

I know I just have to be patient but right now it seems like it is never going to end!!

We did co sleep for a while but even that doesnt settle him anymore. I think he really must be in a lot of pain with his teeth so I think we just have to ride it out.

If he is wet we change him, if he seems thirsty we give him watered down milk. Sometimes we even use the hairdryer to settle him (I know it's not ideal but it's a last resort).

I live in Edinburgh and my friends are all in Aberdeen (that is where I am from). Some of my partners friends girlfriends have offered to help but I don't really know them that well and worry they won't be able to cope. (None of them have kids).

My midwife refered me to sure start and I went along but all they do is watch your kid for and hour while you have a cup of tea with other mums. I need time on my own at home to do college work etc and I meet other mums at baby and toddlers groups so I didn't find it very useful.

I wish someone would just take him occasionally so I could get a nights sleep! I know it's all part of being a parent but I really thought by his age he would be sleeping through more frequently.

Could you and your partner take it in turns to be on night duty? Then at least you could get a nights sleep each.
Do you have Homestart near you? Its a charity for supporting families with young children and it sounds like they would be ideally placed to help you. Google it or ask your health visitor about support from them if you think it would help.

And finally - you're not useless and they certainly wouldn't be better off without you. This is an incredibly hard time for a new family and you're both just doing your best to get through. It will get better and remember all those other mums and dads you see out with their babies looking like they haven't a care in te world are probably struggling just as much behind closed doors.

And eat properly! Even if you just have a sandwich or something when you get in.

Poor you - sympathise massively. My DTs didn't sleep through till well after that and would wake 2-3 times a night (and they were poor nappers, too). It's hell. My heart goes out to you.
Just wondering, reading all this, whether your DS has fallen into a spiral of overtiredness - hence the short naps. So agree with those who say that for now, it's best to cuddle/co-sleep until he's in more of a routine and starts to extend his naps/wake less frequently (in fact, the more I think about this the more I think he is overtired). Try to get him sleeping longer/more peacefully by any means necessary, and then - once he (and you!) are less exhausted, you can start trying to help him to settle to sleep by himself. Agree with the poster who recommended The Baby Whisperer (her pick-up-put-down method really worked for us). Much less hard-core than Gina Ford, and less 'tough' at this age than controlled crying.
I know what you mean by the lack of support: DH and I don't really have much family between us, so were pretty much on our own - like you! But DO take up offers of help, even from your partner's friends' partners - just 30 mins of them playing with your son when you have a power nap will help.
Believe me, this hell will pass. Sure, you'll go through pockets of sleep deprivation in the future (illness etc), but nothing like this! It may also be that he's approaching a developmental milestone (is he attempting to crawl/sit up etc?), which can screw babies' sleep up completely.
So, to summarise: do anything it takes to get him (and yourselves) some rest - and that means rocking/co-sleeping. Once things start to settle and he and you are less exhausted, try the pick up put down method in the Baby Whisperer book, and gradually help him to settle himself.
There will come a day, when, at 3.5 he'll say: 'I'm tired, mum. I'm off to bed'. I never, ever believed that day would come, but it did. And it's bliss! Hang on in there (giving you an unmumsnetty hug).

Thanks Scootergrrrl,

I think it was home start not sure start :S, I will have to check, but they didn't let you leave the premises so I found it unhelpful.

We do take it night about but we live in a small home so you still hear him crying even if it isn't your turn so we are both disturbed either way.

Sometimes we are really good with our shopping and have loads of food in and stuff we are able to cook quickly but sometimes we have nothing in and no time to go to the shops. (we live about 2 miles away from the nearest shop so we have to ask my partners mum for a lift which she seems to grudge). We were doing an online shop until recently but it is about £5 for delivery in our area and that is a lot of money when you are on benefit.

Thanks crapsuzette it's good to know we are not alone! Sometimes you feel like its something you have done to cause the problem but I think it's just babies in general.

He is starting to crawl so I guess this could mess up his sleeping. I think I will take up my partners gf's offer, even to just get an afternoon to study or to do housework so I don't feel so behind with everything!!

I can't see the day that he will say 'mummy i'm off to bed' but I'm sure it will happen!!

Thank you for the hug - I really need it today! xx

Sorry to hear about you struggling. I have no hardcore advice to give, but you may feel better knowing that there are quite a few people on the Feb 2010 thread who are also still up during the night quite a few times. So you are NOT alone. Feel free to come and join us on there (look under postnatal clubs and you'll find us).

Oh, and it will get better. Honestly, it will.

This is a minor thing - but do tell the college you're in this situation. Write them a letter explaining you want to let them know that you're in a difficult situation at the moment and know you're not working at 100%. That way, at least they'll know and it may also help if you have exams and so on in the future - they may be able to give you some special consideration, or extensions on papers. (Not sure as I don't know exactly what you're working towards).

I hope you're feeling better now, there's no way I'd be able to do what you're doing right now! You take care, and I hope it gets betters soon.

I think Sure Start would be the group you tried because Homestart normally pairs families with a volunteer who visits the family in their home to provide whatever support they needed. I used to be a volunteer and i did things like look after the baby so the mum could some jobs in the house, give her a lift to the shops and just be there to talk. It's not a babysitting or housework service (!) but i really think it might help you and your partner. The only thing is that they're normally quite busy so there might be a wait but it's worth a go.

Do you think it might do your partner good to get out of he house with the baby? If he is looking after him all day and then up all night it must be hard for him. Could he get he baby in the buggy and walk to the shop or park? Are there any dads groups near you? And there's no reason he shouldn't go to whatever baby groups are near you.

You mentioned that you use the hairdryer to help settle him sometimes. Our DD is 10 months old and has slept through the night probably 3 times (from 11 - 7) and never ever from 7 - 7. However we use white noise playing in the background which allows her to self settle so we just put her down and she will go to sleep herself which is much less stressful than the months we had of rocking her to sleep. I think she is a very light sleeper and so the noise in her room is a sleep cue for her and also cuts out any of our noise that used to wake her up (we leave it on all night). We use a white noise CD downloaded from itunes playing on repeat all night, but other parents I know just use a detuned radio, or water noise CDs. might be worth giving it a go to see if it helps him self settle?

Great I will try home start and remember it's different from sure start!! We will try to leave the white noise on all night for him to see if that helps. Also I will speak to the college about things as I know I am not performing as well as I could because I am exausted.

I will try to find the feb 2010 ppl as it would be good to speak to other parents who have the same age of baby.

Thank you so much everyone!!

Hope you feel better soon. My youngest is six and a half months, so I'm a March 2010 rather than February but I'm here if need be.

Thank you :D

i've had a thought. how do you feel about dummies?

ds and dd both settle really well with a dummy, they spit it out when they are asleep so it may be something you could try if you haven't already.

Just a thought, but perhaps you could ask your partner's friends' girlfriends to take baby out for a long walk in the buggy to give you an hour's break sometimes (rather than asking them to look after baby indoors which as you say they may not have enough experience of).

just to say do talk to the college, i did my first year while pg and ended up having loads of time off in hospital due to complications, and missed 2 exams. i am now onto the 2nd year with a 5m old. (she was prem and still isnt sleeping through either) i kept them informed and they were massively supportive - they let me onto the 2nd year without having to resit. (and i get a lovely quiet private room to express in)
good luck, shamelessly exploit any help you can find.

It's a difficult one with no right or wrong answer but we did controlled crying with our DD when she was 8 months as we had got to that point of breaking and I was about to go back to work. It sounds harsh but I don't think it is as you only leave them for e.g. 1-2 minutes at a time to start with, building up to e.g 30 mins. After 3 nights (hell but worth it) we were all sleeping much better and now (shes 22 months)she knows the routine (you have to be flexible however if e.g. they've been sick, teething). You also both have to agree and do things exactly the same way or it won't work. Just a thought but I know you can hire a 'nanny' for overnight if things are really bad - don't know how much; my health visitor told me about them and I had a friend who used one. Money is likely to be tight for you though...perhaps grandparents could help? Probably a better option is to share the nights (as already suggested). We did this (read it in a book) so I had 2 nights off (with a lie-in included) then 2 nights on and slept in the spare room with ear-plugs! I really hope things start to improve for you soon.

Dummy, white noise, co-sleeping - anything to get you through this awful time. And really suck in the great times to get you through the bad ones. I think babies are only ready for sleep training once they turn one. I had 2 poor sleepers and was completely alone during the week, hubby only home at weekends as worked away. Hell. Take it in turns to sleep, during the day if necessary while the other takes the baby for a walk - a long walk! This is a tough time for relationships, but it does pass so be understanding for each other.