2 weeks in reception and being mean to others, how to stop this?

[thehairybabysmum]

I've also posted this in primary....

I'm absolutely gutted, had first parents evening tonight, basically a 5 min chat about how they are settling in. He has been at school for 2 weeks exactly and is realy missing his nursery and friends there. Every night and morning he tells me he doesnt want to go to school and misses nursery etc (he didnt know anyone at he school when he started). I did however feel that he as OK whilst actually at school and was making friends and happy.

However the teacher has told us that he is hitting, poking and shoving other children a lot; he even made someone's mouth bleed yesterday. He has also had to have a couple of playtimes stood with the teacher as other kids have said he has been not been playing nicely.

Teacher did also talk about positives and spoke to him about having 'kind hands' so i dont have an issue with how she has handled it or anything like that. It is just that i'm absolutely gutted as had no idea that he was behaving like this. He can be a bit 'shoving to younger brother at home but he does get told off and does understand this is not acceptable. He came in from this after DH talking to him about this in the car on way home and clattered his brother before he'd barely got in door!!

I am basically stumped as to how to stop this type of behaviour...we have had a 'chat' tonight and i have said we will do a chart...if teacher says he has had kind hands all daY At schol then he gets a star, star every day = friday trip to sweet shop on way hom

Any advice/tips anyone??

Am also now paranoid that he is going to be the 'naughty' boy in the class..after 2 weeks

any ideas anyone??

Great that teacher is 'on board' and handling it in a good way

Poor little chap just acting out his difficult feelings re Nursery/new school/knowing nobody etc

I think your idea sounds good

And keep daily communication going with teacher

Remember, it has only been 2 weeks

I think, unless nursery has mentioned, is purely related to starting school, and that as his confidence develops it will subside>

I would have a word with the teacher about your worries that he will become the 'naughty boy'.. or start to think of himself as such. Say you understand that he has to learn but could it not be too public, so to speak? Standing with the teacher is a bit of a public punishment, isn't it?

I know how you feel!

DS has also just started reception. Yesterday as we were hanging up coats another boy said to his mother "that boy tried to hurt me" I asked my son what happened and he said that the other boy had tried to hurt him first. I told him that if someone tries to hurt him he should get a teacher, not try to hurt them back. Then we went to his teacher (the other boy was in a different reception class) and I told her what had just happened, so that DS would know it was important for the teacher to know.

But like you I'm dismayed at the thought that DS could be 'the naughty one' already. His teacher said he was generally good at coming to them, and didn't seem worried, but I am, and I'm slightly dreading our 'settling in chat'

I'm hoping that it is mainly a settling in thing. Though he was not always an angel at nursery.

Am a bit stuck over whether to be 'strict' about this as in naughty step or similar if it happens at home or go the reward route? I have recently been reading 'How to talk...' in an efort to be less shouty myself so have been moving towards its 'gentler' approach of just reiterating that certain behaviours not nice etc. Thought it wa working a bit (well it is for me anyway, i have defo been less shouty and have a longer fuse as a result). Am now less convinced by its softly softly approach??

Oh, I'm with you on the 'how to talk' idea, and I don't think these problems invalidate that. Perhaps we should both look again at the book and think through the problem. Its really tough trying to deal with behaviour that you aren't witnessing. I'll let you know if I get any ideas on rereading

Thanks v. much...ill have a slim in bed tonight. Will reconvene tmw!!

I think your phrase that 'these problems dont invalidate that' is exactly what i as worried about just couldnt phrase it as well, thanks!

Hi, just quickly, (I'm trying to stay off MN during the day) I was thinking about the problem from the empathy point of view and I realise that for my DS I wasn't giving any time to deal with his emotions, or to help him deal with his own. Assuming that its emotions (fear of the new?) that are driving the behaviour I have to get back to those - instead of jumping straight to trying to change the behaviour. So I'm going to try with some of the empathy techniques from how to talk this evening. I'll let you know how I get on.

My DD was exactly the same when she started reception and I was at my wits end. She hadn't gone to the nursery and knew absolutely noone there. She was kind, sweet, articulate and well behaved at home and turned into demon child at school. I lost so much sleep - I was constantly getting 'called in' - she even swung a bat at the head teacher! Her nursery had never had a problem and noone else had had a problem with her and I just couldn't understand it. The school even suggested a counsellor or there was a deeper probem - I was distraught. She didn't seem to mind going, she just couldn't behave when she was there. I was soooo worried she would be labelled the naughty child.

Anyway, she is now in Class 2 and it is a long distant memory. She is will behaved, is learning well and loves school. She is popular and treats all her friends with respect. Me? I'm so mad at the school for not recognising that it was settling in problems and seeking attention, but instead working her and her parents up into a frenzy. They are only 4 for goodness sake and it is a big ask that they behave immaculately in a group of similar age peers that they don't know??

My advice - make sure you DS knows he is doing wrong. However, if you know that he is normally as well behaved as you can expect a 4 yr old to be, I would ride it out.. honestly, it will just be settling in. Kids won't label him - they have very short memories. If the bad behaviour is still continuing say after half term, then maybe go see the teacher again.

I now take what the teacher says with a pinch of salt - you after all know your DS better than anyone else.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the reassurance EvaAnna. I spoke with DS this evening and he said he sometimes felt overwhelmed in the playground. I think it takes time to learn what the unspoken rules are, as well as the ones that everyone agrees too. Nice to hear a happy ending

Thanks so much, especially for your take on it 2 year sdown the line EvaAnna.

Well i have had the worst day ever wiht DS1. He hadnt quite manged togo all day at school without a bit if roughness though he had obviously made a big effort.

He then proceeded to have a massive strop on the way home. Went the whole way kicking, hittting, shoving, pulling my clothes and even biting....was awful. Anyway he did calm down at home. Then had another at bedtime...badly handled by me this time it went on longer than it should and not proud of myself as i lost my rag a bit.

Anyway, firstly has been a good lesson to me as to importance of not losing rag. Also have had a good chat with DH. Think DH is a genius he has said we need to talk to him about how to play at playtime and suggest games that are not likely to get too 'boisterous'. Also that we will have a consistent strategy of reward chart and lots of attention as it is clearly a settling in issue (i hope).

WitlessSarah (though you are clearly not)...i like the non-punishment theory of the book, but cant quite relate it to agressive behaviour...what are the natural consequences of him doing this? Im struggling to just say to him that it is unacceptable and leave it at that??

Sadly, I think the natural consequences of aggression are exactly what we are trying to protect our children from - other children will avoid them, teachers won't trust them. And while I know how bad it feels when you lose it, perhaps letting him see that he'd really upset you is the natural consequence of how he treated you- I don't know. I struggle more with the natural consequences side of things anyway in that book but I find the empathy section really helpful - it helps me to remember that my DS isn't 'being naughty' he's handling an emotion badly - now all I have to do is help him handle it better - I think his problem in this case could be jealousy, who is his friend etc, so maybe we'll talk about that some more.

hope you have a better day today

Well we had a good day Friday, OK behaviour at weekend and (only) one incident at school yesterday.

Have jsut had a nightmare morning with him....big strop about getting dressed though he did do it in the end. Natural consequence was he didnt get breakfast at home....ate a hot cross bun on the way to breakfast club and at least he can get something there.

Unforseen consequence is that i feel like an emotional wreck again this am!! Will need to indulge in some retail therapy in my lunchhour i reckon!!

Ther was a thread yesterday about school starters reverting to toddler tantrums...im off to look for it now as that is basically waht i had this am>

I've never read this book, and I'm not criticising, just curious - does it REALLY say not to punish aggression? Does it say the child should apologise?

I think if another child hit mine and the parent said there would be 'natural consquences' I would be !

thehairybabysmum, I hope it all settles down soon. Interesting about reverting to toddlers, DD has just started school nursery so a bit younger, but we're getting a lot of baby voices and behaviour at home, which is ANNOYING!

It seems to advocate non punishment methods, which i am also about and also not mastered. Have reverted back to using step/time out plus no telly for unacceptable behaviour...as well as praise etc for ood behaviour.

Really hoping it is just a settling in thing as it is turning me into an emotional wreck!

Does he have friends to play after school? Then you'd be able to see how he is acting with others & step in at the time. Also, don't tolerate any 'fighting/shoving/poking' with his little brother as that will send messages that its ok, quite often brothers can be very rough'n'tumble & think thats ok as long as its not a problem elsewhere.

I dont always get him to stay on step, i just keep putting him back on it. I have also put him on his top bunk and taken ladder away but i know that is hideous of me so have stopped that....hence i read the book to look for an alternative approach as i felt i wasnt behaving in a way i should or wanted too.

Trouble is book doesnt have any useful examples of how to treat agression. I also might not be interpreting book correctly?

I didnt cave either this morning on the getting dressed thing but after 40 mins of strop i had to wonder why i even cared about whether he got himself dressed or not.

DS1 is going through similar issues - bit physical at school. We have a reward chart that he gets stickers for good behaviour and we draw a black cross on for bad behaviur. He hates a black cross spoiling the chart. He misbehaved at the weekedn (fighting with DS2). Tried to put himon step for time out. Wouldn't do it. Gave him a warning that if he didn't then he would get a black cross. he still didn't. I proceeded to kitchen and drew black cross on his chart. DS1 on floor in pieces about this 'no mummy, rub it out'. Told himt o go and do his time out. He returned and sat on the step (all the while moaning about wanting the black cross to go!).

To keep him motivated, we do allow him to earn a sticker to cover the black cross.

We've also bought big stickers and little stickers to reward extra good behaviour (such as getting through lunchtime without getting in trouble for being physical at play). It worked yesterday (only day1 mind you!). Sent him to breakfast club with a reminder about the big stickers so fingers crossed.

I think there are a lot of mixed messages going round in his head at the moment - school class ANY physical contact as bullying whereas at the breakfast/after school clubs they are a bit more relaxed as long as it is within reason i.e. playing tag - OK after school, bullying in school!!

Love sticker charts! Our 'I ate my dinner nicely' one is keeping me sane at the moment!

I have to say I was a bit skeptical as we've tried stickers in the past without huge success. It's the black cross that has really worked!

I fel for you. My ds is now 8 and has always been a physical child, at it's worst in reception and Yr1, once we got to Yr 2 it was tailing off.

I had no idea what caused it, in his head he was always perfectly justofied for lamping/thumping someone (they were sitting his in spot/before him in the queue etc) not good reasons to us, but to him a reason at least.

he knew it was wrong, we do not tolerate it at all but he was just so impulsive and had no way of controlling himself. It really spoiled his first years at Primary school.

I have no advice, other than, it will pass, it will get better. We read lots of books such as 'Don't be a bully Billy' and a few others I can't remember the names of. I will look them up for you.

In a warped way, I'm really glad to hear that others are struggling with this too. That combined with the two year update is calming down a lot. With regard to the question of punishment, that is only one part of 'How to talk...' which is mostly about communication - which I think is the weak point for many of us with our children. What the book says about punishment is that it may flag that the behaviour is wrong for a child, but in terms of their interaction it mostly makes them feel that the punishment is unjust (even if it isn't). And the book argues that the 'its not fair' response in teh child gets in teh way of any real learnign to take resopnsibility and have empathy for others. It doesn't say that you should ignore aggression - but I am certainly hoping to deal with the whole pattern of behaviour and emotion in my DS, not just get him to stop hitting people.