First two weeks of school, been late EVERY DAY, HELP

[systemsaddict]

Please please help, I was in tears over this this morning. Ds has just started school, half days in reception, he's loving it but we cannot seem to get out of the door in time to get to school on time, we are consistently 10 minutes late.

I am getting up at 5.45, getting clothes ready the night before, kids are up between 6 and 7, we need to leave between 8.15 and 8.30. I am never late for anything if it's just me but I simply CANNOT get the kids to get ready on time (dd is just 2, ds is just 4).

It's a behaviour issue rather than an organisational issue; I can get them ready earlier but this doesn't help. Getting them dressed is always a real struggle. If either of them is dressed in good time, one will just get undressed again while I'm dressing the other one. Or there will be an ill-timed poo to be cleared up just as we need to leave. Or ds will refuse to do a wee and start to wee on himself and need changing. If we get to the car in good time, they refuse to get in their car seats, or one straps themselves out while I'm strapping the other one in. Or a major tantrum or fight just at the wrong moment. I guess this is fairly normal behaviour for small children; but then everyone else at the school has small children and seems to get them there on time. It didn't matter so much when they were at nursery (and fortunately my work is flexible) but it does now.

Dp is useless in the mornings - whole nother issue there - so let's assume it's down to me. I feel COMPLETELY powerless and really upset about this. Can anyone help??

Thanks Sidge, yes I think 'non-negotiable' is the keyword here! I do way too much negotiating with mine. Timechecks are good too. And also, it does help to know that you are managing it around your dd2's needs; a reminder that other people also have to cope with challenges! Really I need to get my head around the fact that for whatever reason it might be (and that's again probably a discussion for another time) ds is likely to be a challenge at these times, and I need to be prepared with strategies for it, rather than expect him to wake up one morning and suddenly no longer have any struggles with transitions.

Geraldine I will add your list to my checklist from Bluecardi! Good idea about the clear jar and will check out Wilko's this weekend (and matching the favours is so important - they had a fight this morning because there was only one tortoise left in the animal biscuits bag, sigh). I also need to remember that getting THROUGH the massive tantrum stage is sometimes needed to get out the other side, as I am easily put off by the tantrum bit.

good luck systemsaddict

All my kids have been carseat wrigglers & when they understand it gets them lots of attention it gets worse!! I used to get stressed, time would be running & it was awful. Plus my kids don't respond to star charts.

One day I just said ok & got into the front seat. Clipped myself in & put the car engine on. They started shouting but we're not clipped in!!!! All the car seat problems had been a big game.

So now I don't look them in the eye or start saying be good or appear bothered or stressed. I'm happy, confident and ignoring them & just clip them in.

If this doesn't work biscuits help. Sit in the front seat & look like you're going to eat their favourite non choc biscuit. They'll start shouting they want some so you say once I'm driving. They'll will focus on this rather than you going to clip them in.

Bluecardi, the pretending to eat the biscuit thing is fantastic. This is why I love mumsnet - guerrilla parenting tips from those who have been there SO much more helpful than all the parenting books and blogs in the world!

Am I the only one who never lets undressed children eat breakfast?

My small ones get dressed after breakfast - it's the only way!!

a friend of mine tells her kids that they leave the house at xx time. Whatever their state of dress or undress, they will be leaving the house. She once trundled her ds to school on his scooter naked (it was summer at the time) - she is one consistent woman when it comes to rules! It was only the once note... he got the message after that.

You might not want to go this far but if you make a rule, you stick stick stick to it.

yes lancelottie - mine generally eat breakfast in their pjs or half of their jammies and then get dressed otherwise you've got cereal all down the uniform and much shouting will ensue.

glad to see you getting so much good advice (and I'm remembering some of it in case things go down hill for us timewise, which wouldn't surprise me) I'm with the posters who suggest you may have too much time. We wake at 7 and he comes into our room till 7.30 - need to be out by 8.20. We don't have any TV in the morning, never do because it leads to meltdowns and refusing breakfast etc.

But also thought on reading this that you have a much more stressful problem than just the morning, which is DS tantrumming etc, sounds like he's just noticed that this kind of behaviour in the morning will have maximum impact. Every child goes through phases of this, and I'm sure that you will be able to find a way through it, but perhaps to focus on the wider picture and let up on yourself about being late (maybe talk to the teacher to explain first) or if it suits your style better think of getting the morning in shape as a measure of the wider problem.

Ah well.

I've always thought of school tops as kind of sacrificial garments -- the things you wear to get mucky in, a bit like garage mechanics overalls, not things to fuss about keeping clean.

You need to do nothing except getting the kids and yourself ready. No chores, leave the dishes, no laundry. You can work this back in ONCE YOU ARE ON TIME.

Have you thought of putting all the clocks ten minutes fast?

I know lancelottie but its the tie (that we only have one of) that annoys me if it gets dipped in cereal - specially as all the others in his class look so damn perfect.

I am still remembering his very first term when some other mum looked at ds, then down her nose at me and said 'you do know that the blazers can go in the washing machine dont you?'

Acanthus - you are absolutely right. Household chores for when we're ready, for the evening (or delegated to dp). Yes.

Witlesssarah - yes, the tantrumming thing is the underlying issue, and it's not just a phase, it's a constant struggle, in fact dp has just apparently had severe difficulty getting him home safely. Talking to the teacher so she understands what's going on is probably a plan, actually, though I'm not even sure when we are allowed to do that - dropping off / picking up time doesn't seem to offer that opportunity!

Hmm, well, got home from work with new resolve: I am the parent, we will set clear boundaries, reward and praise the good stuff while simply not putting up with delaying tactics (yes, mealtimes and bedtimes are an issue too). Result: within 5 minutes of me getting home ds had thrown a mug of hot coffee across the kitchen because I had started to prepare the 'wrong' dinner for him. We did manage to get them ready for bed a lot earlier than usual, actually making progress with ds by being a bit more consistent than usual, but then dd screamed for an hour because 'it's not dark', to the extent of making herself sick, and climbed out of her cot every time she was put in - new trick. Oh and she threw a torch at her brother's head.

This is why I struggle to get them to do stuff on time in the mornings. Don't know where we've gone wrong. They're enchanting a lot of the time, but when they're tired and crossed it's mayhem. Can't imagine what the neighbours think.

You poor thing, it can be so exhausting. I think tiredness is the root of all evil - in adults as well as kids. Have you read 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'? I have to say its helped me feel much better, and while it hasn't stopped tantrums, its made them shorter and less explosive.

good luck and be gentle on yourself

It's on my list witless! The most recent thing I read was 'the explosive child' and have been trying his technique of empathising with their experience - then stating your concern - then collaboratively working towards a solution. But ds seemed to find even the empathy step incredibly threatening and provoking a lot of the time though, so after several weeks of practising that we're back to the drawing board.

Tbh tonight we did have some real wins with him, by being completely firm and not angry and very clear about both consequences (good and bad) and what behaviour would lead to which consequences; he ate his dinner so he could get pudding, did a poo in the right place (hurrah!), and we talked about tomorrow morning - he liked the idea of 'racing the pips'. Just a pity his sister - normally the easier one - kicked off so spectacularly! Neither of them had napped today, this makes a huge difference.

I am, though, getting things ready for tomorrow morning even as I type ...

Oh well done, as challenging as it is you will see results soon by being firmly consistent.

My DD3 has just turned 4 and is completely hideous when overtired. She can throw some spectacular tantrums that actually make me want to applaud her dramatic prowess but I find giving her a damned good ignoring is the best management.

Tomorrow is always a new day.

Absolutely true sidge, fresh day, every day

Well done for getting him to think about it (i think they are getting old enough to reason with) and best of luck for the morning

Leave the 2 year old in her pyjamas as other people have said. Wehn my children were small I would alays leave the youngest in pyjamas until I got back from the school run

systemsaddict I might have a few strategies that will help. I have 3 children (4.9, 3.1 and 17 months). The eldest has SN and needs assistance with dressing, and has behavioural problems as a result of her SN.

-I find that giving too much time is a recipe for disaster - as you have found, it gives them time to undo what I have done. So, I leave getting dressed and hair until just before leaving. Literally, no discussion, just single words to keep focus. So, "Pants". "Socks", "trousers" "push", etc. DD1 can get wound up if I use too many words - it is just too much to focus on.

-I don't know what kind of car seats you have. Mine are still in 9mth-4 year seats. I find that the key is not to fight them. Make the straps as loose as possible, click the straps together, then hold the tail of the strap ready to tighten, distract, push gently on the tummy and pull the straps QUICK. If I fight DD1, she 'stair-rods' and it is impossible to get her to bend in the middle. A quick distraction and a gentle but firm push on the tummy makes them almost reflexively bend, and before they realise they are being strapped in, the straps are tightened. Also, try not to have a coat on them because it is much easier to do the straps up without.

-I don't know if you have a driveway, but I do. I always take them one at a time to the car, so that I am not trying to deal with a circus act. I take the youngest, strap her in, go back for the middle one, then the eldest.

-I find that "1, 2, 3 magic" is very effective. A quick explanation of what I want them to do, then count to 3, then consequence. No discussion. It took a little while for them to realise that I will ALWAYS follow through (trick is to make sure that you choose the consequence carefully - even a very simple one such as "if you don't do x, I will have to do it for you..." seems to work). Again, I find that too much discussion adds fuel to DD1's furnace.

Keep going, it is hard work

OK so this morning:

• bags and clothes ready and breakfast things out last night. Last night's bedtime struggle was really horrendous, but it was worth it to get them in bed and asleep in good time and give me the time to get things ready for today.
• me up showered and dressed as usual at 6, kids up about 6.20
• they watched TV with hot drinks while I emptied dishwasher and made coffee
• TV and computer went off with the pips at 7. Ds liked this - treated it as the start of a fun game. Could we get it all done before the pips at 8?
• Breakfast.
• No biscuit till he'd done a wee / she'd had her nappy changed. Struggle-free wee ensued - absolutely remarkable.
• Then complete focus on getting them both dressed, no TV / computer till they were both completely ready.

I realise this is the key sticking point. Lougle I will try your single-word strategy tomorrow (am going to stick with this at weekends too, to reinforce it), as he really does struggle here. The little one found her clothes and dressed herself, but ds is HARD WORK to get dressed, it needed a very focused, full-on combination of bribes and threats. At one point I found myself talking extremely firmly to a sofa as he hid behind it giggling. At another point he absolutely had to know what ten plus ten was before he would put on another thing, and it all nearly went out the window when I counted fingers right to left instead of left to right. It took a long, long time but, they were both dressed and completely ready at - drumroll - 7.45!!!

Which meant:

• I could nag dp into getting up in good time to take over dd
• I could clear up breakfast
• I could EAT breakfast myself!! What luxury is this!

Used the promise of a jelly sweet reward to get ds into the car and strapped in - again, quite hard work as he kept getting distracted but it worked in the end.

And the result?

WE WERE AT THE CLASSROOM BEFORE THE TEACHER!!

I cannot believe it, we have never ever been early for anything before. Thank you all you wonderful wonderful people!! Good job too as there were complicated instructions about drop off / pick up next week which I would have missed.

Will check in again next week and let you know how we get on!

Well done systems addict - impressive.

and before the teacher! What did she say?

Don't think teacher even noticed to be honest - I had time to realise how stressed she looked - in fact it is all so manic at the moment I realise she probably didn't notice us being late the past fortnight either, now I'm feeling a bit more rational!!

Well done !!
Feel for you .. have dt's age 3 and dd 6 to get out of door by 8 am . Today they were strapped in in pj's as no nursery !

:)