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Original poster

Negativity and whinge-festing. How do I deal with it?

30 replies

caligula · 03/09/2005 15:04

That's it really. DS is 6, very very negative - a born pessimist. If I say "right, that's it, you can't have an ice-cream" his response is " does that mean I can never have an ice-cream ever, ever again?"

Drives me doolally.

And the worst thing is, it reminds me so much of his father. I am relentlessly, tiresomely cheeful. So is DD (3). But DS is like xp - negative, pessimistic, suspicious of new experiences. Needless to say, I never say any of this when with him (I don't want to emphasise his negativity even more and I don't want to push him into the role of family wet blanket) but God it drives me mad. Yesterday we had a lovely day out spoiled by DS's unremitting looking on the dark side of life. It alarms and saddens me how negative and pessimistic he is and makes me wonder if I'm doing something to exacerbate it. I try not to. But he knows I hate it. And I was reading a thread about negative friends or relatives recently where someone said something along the lines of "It's so wearing to live with someone who is relentlessly negative - it pulls you down - get this person out of your life". Well obviously, I don't have that option and don't want it either - I don't want to get my sweet little boy out of my life! I just want the little sod to be a bit bloody cheerful sometimes! Any comments?

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colditz · 03/09/2005 15:08

Don't have a 6 year old, but...

When he says, "Does that mean I can't ever have an ice cream again?" how about helping him think about what he is saying? Ie, replying "Is that what I said?" or "Do you think that's what it means?"

Then talking him through from his responses.

Just an idea though.

Original poster
caligula · 03/09/2005 15:09

Tried that!

"What do you think?"

What I actually want to say is "Yes, that's it forever, you lunatic."

But I restrain myself, like the good mummy I am!

OP posts:
colditz · 03/09/2005 15:14

Maybe if you did say "Yes, that's it forever, because when you asked me if it was forever you gave me ideas," it might make him think twice about asking....

I am very mean though. I told my son there were crocodiles down drainholes because he wouldn't keep his hands out of it

Needless to say, he was delighted by the idea.

SenoraPostrophe · 03/09/2005 15:17

Caligula - lol at never having ice cream again!

I think he's very imaginative.

But anyway is it really natural born pessimism or his way of getting attention? If there's a possibility that it could be the latter, maybe showing him other ways of getting attention?

cod · 03/09/2005 15:17

Message withdrawn

colditz · 03/09/2005 15:19

Cod strikes again with her Polish riddles!

SenoraPostrophe · 03/09/2005 15:21

dramatic is a good way to put it. Send him to drama classes?

Original poster
caligula · 03/09/2005 15:25

Hmm. It could be an attention-seeking device. But I deliberately try to ignore him when he does it, so as not to reward him! Yesterday I wouldn't buy him a mask in this country park we were in (said he'd have to put it on his Christmas list) and he whinged for about half an hour solid about how awful his life was and how he never gets anything he wants, and nobody ever does anything for him... etc. etc. Most of the time I ignore it totally, but there are times (like yesterday) where I felt guilty and thought, Oh God, is that how he sees his life, and is it my fault because I give the impression of saying No all the time? And then I thought but I can't reward him for whinging by buying him something, so I did try and talk to him about it and reason with him, pointing out that he's had a lovely week with lots of outings to the beach, country parks etc., and that I've gone to a lot of trouble to make the last week of his holiday fun. And then his response is "I'm such a bad boy, I'm always wrong, I don't appreciate things" - which is not the response I wanted at all! (I think I should have ignored him, shouldn't I!)

OP posts:
Original poster
caligula · 03/09/2005 15:25

cod - she's his soulmate.

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NotQuiteCockney · 03/09/2005 15:42

Does being silly help? My DS1 (nearly 4) is prone to a bit of this sort of behaviour, and we have a current game where I try to grab the whiny voice out of his mouth, and throw it to the floor and stamp all over it. So once he starts whinging and moaning, I shout "open your mouth! open your mouth!" and run at him, to grab the voice. He starts giggling, and forgets to keep whining.

This game is probably too old for your DS1, but something similar might help?

WideWebWitch · 03/09/2005 16:16

With whingeing I refuse to reply or do anything unless a normal voice is used so my ds doesn't really do it much now. He is older though but 'use a normal voice please' said very calmly used to work to stop whingeing. Gosh, I don't know what to do about the negativity, I would be tearing my hair out too. Do you always tell off and then forget about it? I'm sure you do but just thought I'd check in case that's why he thinks punishments go on for a while. I bet you don't though, sorry, I'm not much help on that one.

cupcakes · 03/09/2005 16:28

wish I could offer advice but can only emphasise that I'm in the same situation. My ds is 5 and his whining really winds me up sometimes. Especially when it's along the lines of 'I never get to do a/b/c'. Got really angry with him whilst on holiday and listed all the things we had done for him over the holiday period. Don't think it really helped but then that was always going to be obvious.
I know a lot of the time he is put out by his younger sister getting attention - she also doesn't get into trouble as much as him. I wonder if he feels hard done by and this whining is a side effect. It always get my attention (if in a negative way).
Really hope it is something he is going to grow out of.
(He is quite insecure though, especially compared to dd and I wonder if this is part of it?)

Original poster
caligula · 03/09/2005 16:42

Yes the whingeing is a big PITA, but the negativity is my real worry. It's like he really enjoys wallowing in feeling hard done by. And I do wonder if I'm doing something to make him feel pessimistic about life.

Doesn't help that DD is charming, funny, control-freak and attention-seeker and gets lots more positive attention from others when we're out and about.

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cupcakes · 03/09/2005 16:44

hmm - I would say that his negativity might well be a reaction to the positive attention your dd gets.
Can't see how you can change that though.

cupcakes · 03/09/2005 16:46

sorry, that didn't sound very supportive!
At best I would try to bite my tongue (takes an effort sometimes!), give him lots of hugs (whether he wants them or not) and keep reiterating that you love him.
I've just ordered that "Raising Boys" book from the library in the hope that it will give me some tips. I just feel if I could make him a bit more secure he might become more positive.

cod · 03/09/2005 17:13

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 03/09/2005 17:57

my family are all terribly negative, suspicious of new experiences etc. they feed off each other, and congratulate themselves on being realistic.
ds2 is slightly like this, although we are generally positive as a family. Reading this thread, Ive just realised it must be hereditary!
I once got the tears and a loud wail "Ill never have my favourite Bounty ever again...." across Asda, making me look like Mummy Scrooge.
I must admit, the sort of response he gets from me is "Dont be so wet. Of course you'll have it again. Just not today."
He is a very honest child, and always takes everything absolutely literally, unlike ds1 and dd1, who have more guile.
I think as he gets older, I won't accept negativity, any more than I would accept selfishness or yawning without putting his hand over his mouth while speaking to his teacher, or any more unsuitable ways to behave.

Original poster
caligula · 03/09/2005 22:33

Makes perfect sense Cod - that's why I said Finbar's DD is his soulmate - she sounds like she could give him a run for his money in the "my life is worse than yours" stakes.

How old is yours Nightynight? Because the negativity is really wearing, but I don't know if I can just treat it as another form of naughtiness, iyswim.

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Nightynight · 03/09/2005 22:44

Mine is 5. I am down on negativity and on excessive crying, because I grew up with it myself, so I know what its like to arrive at adulthood without having sorted it out. My mother used to speak braceingly, but it had no effect, because I thought I was the victim, not the one who was doing something wrong.

I was 29 before I met dx and he kindly pointed out all the things that made me so difficult to live with, and said he wanted a divorce.

Nightynight · 03/09/2005 22:44

must be bracingly? doesnt look right with an e in the middle. oh well.

Finbar · 08/09/2005 14:14

Hi caligula - Cod put me onto this thread!

My DD is certainly your DS's soul mate . We too have the 'that means I can never have/do.x..again' - and I too have tired the "that's not what I said " response.
The worst psrt ws when she stared to smack herself whenever I told her off - and we aren't a family of smackers really!!. Thankfully that seems to have passed .

The whole thing drives me nuts and like you - I just want my DD to be positive and resonables

Original poster
Caligula · 08/09/2005 14:38

pmsl at her smacking herself. Maybe you should buy her a sackcloth and ashes costume.

Yesterday we had the coming out of school crying because he hadn't been chosen to play some game or other. 28 other children also hadn't been chosen, but he was the only one who came out wailing that he never gets chosen for anything in life.

We also have the wailing if he doesn't win musical chairs/ statues/ bumps etc. at a party. Oh God, it's embarrassing!

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YeahBut · 09/09/2005 09:00

Slightly different slant from me - I have a very negative child (6) who is also very anxious. A lot of this stems from her problems with language but mostly I think it is a part of her character. I've tried the bracing and terribly firm approach but realised it made the anxiety worse. She stopped talking about the things that got her down but didn't stop thinking or brooding about them. It actually made her behaviour worse when she felt she couln't express her worries. And they are real worries, even if they do sound utterly ridiculous to me and dh. The thing that I find effective is trying to break the cycle before it really gets going. When dd is anxious or negative about something, very quickly EVERYTHING starts becoming a trauma. We sit down with her and practise breathing slowly and thinking about positive things rather than negative things.

Some children just aren't full of the joys, bouncy kind of kids.

aloha · 09/09/2005 11:01

Distraction might work - ie not dwelling. And humour and jollying him out of it (I also have named a character Willie Whingebag and when ds does his moany voice, I shriek, 'I can't believe it! Willie Whingebag is back and he's stolen my lovely boy! Give him back this minute' etc etc, which often lifts the mood and makes ds giggle. Actually all this gloom does sound hilarious from the outside but can imagine it being deeply wearing if it is constant. But don't a lot of 5/6/7 year olds go through a huge martyr phase - 'nobody loves me/everybody hates me'? Most come through it, and of course, not all kids, like not all adults are positive little rays of sunshine. And I think that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He's just more of an Eyeore than a Tigger (I LOVE Eyeore, he's my favourite fictional character). More of a Hancock than a Donald O'Connor.

ANDREAJANE · 09/09/2005 11:04

I was expecting my 9 year old son to grow out of this negativity but it's getting worse. His dad is a 'Doubting Thomas' about everything and everyone, whereas I am positive - I think because I am the one who decides the discipline measures as his dad works long hours, he thinks I am horrible and dad is great so he wants to be like dad! I am now in the process of trying to re-program the DAD! - in the hope it catches on....