Where am i going wrong :(

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

i have 2 children DS1 (5) DS2 (3), we had had on going behavioural problems, mainly with DS1 he has been through an awful lot in his young life and as a result is very young for his age and is behind with emotional development.
After a lot of shed tears, pulling out of hair and patience i thought i had cracked it, i took things back to basics and had to really relax all my silly rules and learn to really pick my battles.
As a result we had a really lovely 6 week summer holiday, i really enjoyed being a Mum again for the first time in maybe a year.
However as soon as School started DS1 has reverted back to the way he was, really constant silly behaviour that he will 'up his game' until i have to react he is doing this at home and school, and as always it has rubbed off on DS2 who is a lovely well behaved child until we pick DS1 up from school.
I am gutted i really thought we had turned a corner but now im finding myself in tears and my nerves are up to their limit with DS1.

I really do feel your pain and I can relate.

I only have 1 little girl of 3.9 but let me tell you, she's a handfull. I sometimes wonder why i'm considering a second.

I really understand about your nerves being tested to their limit. My DD is obviously still at pre school and I will often get pulled to one side and told that she's "not had a good day". I never see anyone else being pulled to one side.

I can also relate to feeling like you've turned a corner and then it feels like everything comes crashing down again. DD had 9 sessions in a row before the holidays where she didn't put a foot wrong. Thought we were out of the woods or at least heading for the exit, but she's gone back again. Her last session was good having said that. Fingers crossed.

What do school have to say about your DS? Does he make friends easy? Has he been diagnosed with ADHAD or something similar?

Chin up. :)

Thanks.

DS has Cystic Fibrosis, he has been through a real 'roller coaster' journey since he was diagnosed at 2 1/2.
We are current,y waiting for a 'team around the child' (TAC) meeting involving DS's hospital team and the school to try and solve the issues, we would all like him to be seen by the Child Development Centre and CAMHS but both are refusing to see him and fighting between themselves to try and palm us off.

We also lost my Mum in April we were all really close and DS1 in particulr was like her shadow, he hasn't said anything much about loosing her but i wonder how much it has really effected him.

The school agree with me that he is very emotionally immature for his age and has a real problem with whats appropriate and whats not in social situations, he just cannot cope with anything slightly overwhelming.

I just really thought we had made such progress only to regress to this really silly behaviour.

Its a case of 1 step forward 2 back and i don't know how to make headway. It just doesn't register to him what he is doing and what is acceptable.

Oh god... another morning like this and i could easily walk out the door and not come back.
I am starting and ending the days in tears, ints not right.

Please tits remember he's not only young for his age he IS young; don't give him the power to upset you so much. The schools have ridiculous expectations of 5yr olds IMO a lot of DS's can't concentrate for long.

It is so hard, isn't it. I have had yet another morning where I start crying because of the constant arguments, outbursts, reminders to get dressed, eat breakfast - I have two - DD, 5, and DS, 2. Talking about school makes DD really touchy and tearful sometimes - and I think there is a lot of pressure coming from there. Don't know what to say really - but at least you have a team helping and also it helps to know you are not alone.....I sometimes feel all the other parents at the school are just swimming along nicely, but probably that is not the case.

Also as an ex teacher,nanny CM and mumof 3. Silly is NORMAL IMO. His development is (as you said)slow it's best not to compare DCs.

I know i shouldn't let his behaviour effect me so much but it is so wearing, its hard to explain unless you know him but its not just normal silly behaviour its from the second he wakes up he will make noises, nothing in particular, he might repeat a word he has heard or click his tongue or clap but it is continuous, all the time he is at school and at home, he will constantly be pulling silly faces or talking with a fake pronounced lisp. He puts his mouth all over me and grabs at my chest and bottom, that just a little bit of it but its why i say he doesn't 'get' what is socially acceptable because he does it to teachers as well. he cannot concentrate for even a minute, a lot of the time he still has to sit on a teacher knee or have a named mat on the floor that he has to sit on, he is often just rolling round the floor though while the other children are sitting quietly.
Any response to anything is very dramatic and extreme, if he is asked to stop doing something he will dissolve into floods of tears or laugh hysterically in mine and the teachers face every emotion is amplified by 10.

He development is slow but i guess he has been so busy with having operations and treatment he hasn't had the chance to develop normally, i have given up comparing him to other children it just upsets me, god i love him i really do but im just exhausted from living like this.

Have you had him checked by the ED. psych? Of course you know yr child best and he doesn't sound normal. Sorry

Well i am hoping that this TAC meeting will help to get these things pushed through.

I just need to know if this is an actual behavioural/SN problem or a secondary thing from his very difficult life so far, does that make sense?

He is a LOT better at school but they have their concerns and although he is a YR1 child he is being kept down in the Reception Class to get the extra support.

I am wondering if anyone has a child similar that has gone on to get a diagnosis of anything or extra help from somewhere.

Thanks for your replies please anymore input would be great.

I understand when you say that you've stopped comparing him to other children because it upsets you. I get really upset when I see other children look at my DD with this sort of "what's wrong with you?!" expression. It kills me.

She also will repeat the same words or sounds over and over again. She has a really good memory and will often just speak an entire script from a disney film for example. With all the right voices and everything. The rest of our family think it's just clever, but it bothers me.

We've not had a good day today actually. I had my hair pulled to the point I thought it was going to come out and my face badly scratched. Lots of tears today actually. Oh the joy of it all.

Did you say whether or not your little boy has made any friends at school, cos that's really important isn't it.

How have things been today? :)

I've just read your other thread. Do you have any family or friends who would be able to take him of your hands for an hour or 2 here and there. It really does do a lot for your sanity, even if it's just a 5 min break so that you can get things straight in your head.

Like I said before I really do relate and i'm quite concerned about how you are coping with all this.

Just remember though, he is in your words a LOT better than he was. I think that when he settles back in to the routine things will improve. He obviously will sometimes struggle to an extent, it sounds anyway, but as long as you all get the support you need and he is happy, which in turn will mean that you are, then that's the main thing.

Chin up and a big hug. :)

Thank you Suzy, yesterday was pretty bad, i ended again in tears. Today will be better DP is here for the extra support.

DS has made a few friends but they only seem to be for a day or 2 then the 'friend' will get annoyed and move on as DS is very physically and touchy/feely and as i said he doesn't understand when to stop.

Usually i cope fine i am a coper in general its just the fact that we were doing so well and have gone a complete turn and are back to the bad again that was the really frustrating thing.

I don't have any family that will take him, i have very little family anyway, the ones i do have help all they can but have their own children and various problem to contend with.

I'm really hoping this meeting will prompt and assessment for various things and provide some support for me and DS1.

Thank you again.

Just wanted to give you some support. It must be really tough. Do you have any good friends with children a little bit older than him? Maybe that could help. Or maybe you could 'hire' a particularly tolerant teenager for an hour or two a week to play with him. To give you time away from it all, but to also give him a consistent older figure that is not a parent or teacher that he could mimic/copy.

Just a few thoughts,do you notice his behaviour worsening after eating certain foods?e.g. high sugar or wheat filled.
Does he find school very stressful(there are certain DCs who can't cope at all at normal schools).

If he was happy at home for the summer then would it be poss. to home ed. him? As i said a lot of DCs can't cope with the abnormal environment of school. HTH

I think you may have answered why he has gone back to school AND things have got worse. Yes he sounds like he has behavioural/emotional development problems etc which IME can be from hard start - never really had the chance to naturally develop.

BUT now he has gone back to school and been put with the 'babies' which is how DC's see YR kids whilst his peers have gone up to the big class. I understand why school have done it but surely the CAMHS is the right way to go not lowering his self esteem and making him feel worse.

I do sympathise btw and FWIW I think your coping brilliantly - your posts are very clear and comphrehensive.

I don't know about the school thing, i had mixed emotions, there are 6 children that have stayed in the Reception Class but will still be YR1 children, they will be mixed into YR1 Class on some afternoons.
DS is a September baby so there is a 2 year age gap between him and the now Reception children that have just started. I wasn't sure i agreed with that.

However they had to pick 6 children for 'numbers' reasons and i understand that DS is really behind with his fine motor skills, he finds holding a pen tricky and isn't as far with his reading and writing as the other children, they also felt he was mature enough to go into the YR1 classroom full time.

They are trying to use the tactic of telling him he has been chosen to help the teacher (who he loves) to look after the littler children, he does get on better with slightly younger children than himself but im still not sure it will work. However the teachers are very approachable and supportive and have been very tolerant with me constantly asking questions!

I don't have any friends with older children unfortunately, DS is at school all day so i do get a break but never a non school break, my Mum was our babysitter but we lost her in April.

It seems change is the problem, after a few moths of starting school his behaviour was better, then when the summer holidays started he was difficult but then improved when he got used to it but now school has started again his behavior has got bad again. It seems any change sets him off.
Home ed wouldn't be an option i have so much else to do in my life like caring for my elderly Grandmother who has dementia.

I really feel school is a good place for him as it is consistency for him most of the time.

His consultant is amazing, he was so cross with CAMHS for just pushing us aside he really let rip at them, DS's whole hospital team are really supportive both in the community, home and hospital.

His diet doesn't have any effect, he eats a high fat diet as he is completely Pancreatic insufficient but we limit colourings and artificial sweeteners, he eats well and we haven't noticed a change after anything but it is something i have explored in the past.

Thanks for your comment about me coping, i am used to it i have had a drama filled life and have carried the weight of the world on my shoulders more than once, as i say coping comes naturally, after all i have never had the option of not coping. Some days it just gets to much that's all.

Not a problem. I think it's important to know that someone else is sort of going through the same thing.:)

Where do you stand with medication? Only asking because from how you've described things I would be suprised if they didn't offer your son any.

How has today been?

Tits You do sound amazing considering yr stress filled life; i'm not surpised you loose it occasionally [I think I would be a complete wreck] Try some double tbag camomile at bed time to relax you. Good luck!

Not sure what you mean in regard to Medication Suzy? DS is already on over 30 lots of Oral/Nebulised and IV antibiotics a day for his Cystic Fibrosis plus 2x physiotherapy a day equals a very tired Tits!

Today has been OK it's easier with DP here and we have been out and about keeping busy.

Tits ( when calling you that) is there any chance his physio could be done at school - maybe one of the sessions? It would give you 30 minutes spare for fun time with ds - could make a difference. If he has an LSA assigned to him the community physios should be able to show them the programme if LSA is willing to do it. We do it at our school, physio inc chest, it is a special school so understand the difference but if its important to his education as well as his health there might be a window of oppotunity.

Sorry to hear about your Mum and the ill health of you Grandma too. Do you have SW who can arrange respite care for you?

Sorry tits, that wasn't very clear. I meant for his hyperactivity, not the Cystic Fibrosis. I really don't know much about Cystic Fibrosis. Have you asked your GP if the medication he is currently on could be affecting his behaviour?

It sounds like you have a supportive partner. That's a real must at times like these. :)

I've had a rubbish day today. Cried to my inlaws about how awfully behaved my little one was. She's so freakishly strong. It's to the point where I really do need back up. Don't know why she wants to hurt me so much.:(

Suzy :( i know how you feel, DS is always telling me he loves me but it never seems like it when he is hell bent on winding everyone up.

No medication for his hyperactivity, the drs calim his current meds wont effect him in that way.

My 2 are freakishly strong, both have dislocated my wrist before and landed me in a&e!

Bloody hell!! That is freakishly strong. How did that happen? When your DS lashes out, do you see a change in his expression? I mean, almost vacant. DD will sometimes really unsettle me, not just because she's pulling my hair and hitting me across the face(the latest phase)but it's like it's not really her, just for those few seconds. It's very strange.

Does that sound familliar?

You know im not sure, how bad is that i have never really watched his expression!, I have severe Hyper Mobility syndrome and all they have to do is try and pull away when im holding thier hands and if its done with thuer full force my wrist just pops out of socket. Ouch!