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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd might be depressed... & i think it's my fault!

26 replies

sansouci · 02/09/2005 10:33

dd, who's 5, is not v. well. Since we came back from our holidays, she has been crying at everything & nothing, having nightmares, misbehaving, not playing well at school (often on her own), throwing tantrums...

i think it's my fault because my mother & i had a terrible argument in front of her & her brother. it was very bad & many dreadful things were said. i should never have lost control like that in front of dd. She was crying hysterically at the time. mum & i sorted it out but dd has definitely been "marked" by it -- perhaps forever. what shall i do? am frightened &, of course, guilt-ridden.

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Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 10:56

even a tiny response would be much appreciated...

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charliecat · 02/09/2005 10:58

Are you sure its not just because shes new at school? My dd was damaged by the culture school of that. Have you told her that you and your mum still love each other and you were both very angry but very sorry?
Remeber what some kids see day in day out, yours was a one off.

charliecat · 02/09/2005 10:58

culture shock sorry.

yawningmonster · 02/09/2005 11:04

dont know what to say or how to help but could you try talking to her about it, eg
"mummy and granny had a big fight and I am really sorry if it frightened you...." might even pay to investigate some family counselling if you think it would help? if dd doesnt want to talk perhaps get her to draw or role play with dolls eg "You have been really sad since mum and granny had that fight how about you draw what you are feeling so that the bad feelings are on the paper instead of inside you"
someone who knows lots more than me might be able to help. Hugs and you are not a bad mum, sometimes these things happen they are part of life and the fact that you are worried about her and looking for ways to help her cope and deal with things show that you care about her and will do what is needed to ensure she comes through this.

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:05

i wish it was "new school blues" but dd was there last year with exactly the same group. dd is crying for "Nanou" (my mother) everytime something doesn't go her way & it sets my teeth on edge. part guilt & part jealousy.

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charliecat · 02/09/2005 11:07

HHMmm ok, well I think you should chat about it, explaining it to her. Did you at the time?

fuzzywuzzy · 02/09/2005 11:07

My dd gets terribly frightened when she sees arguments too, but it's because she's not used to it at all (this is a really mellow (and messy) household) that it affects her so much. So much so that even if voices are raised in conversation, because the person talking is excited, it frightens her and she runs up to the person and tells them please don't shout (she's 2.6 btw).
I think it would be a good idea to sit down and speak to your dd and perhaps organise a day with your mum to show her that hings are good between you two now????

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:08

thank you both, though. it helps to be "listened to" & yawningmonster's ideas of talking about it could help. i have tried that a little in the car yesterday but maybe drawing would work better. culture shock is definitely a factor, charliecat. dd desperately wants to return to Canada... and my mother.

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charliecat · 02/09/2005 11:11

Can she write her a letter, send her an email, look through photos? See photos on the net?
Something so she doesnt feel so far away?

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:12

my mum & stepdad are coming over here in a few weeks' time but i'm afraid that will make things worse. i'm jealous of my mum cos she's "such fun", rarely gets cross or tired & spoils dd to bits. i feel like the big ol' baddie. in fact, i feel so distressed about it that i'd like to get into bed & turn my face to the wall. as if that would help!

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charliecat · 02/09/2005 11:13

Thats what Grandparents are for. Let her be Miss Fun while you do climb back into bed. Theres nothing worse than watching someone else being the perfect parent while you are grinding your teeth wondering how they got to be so nice

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:13

maybe what i'm asking all of you is, Could my dd love her Nanou more than she loves me? pathetic, i know but it hurts.

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charliecat · 02/09/2005 11:18

I dont think she could TBH, mummys are the best people in the world when your small, they ARE your world. Some kids scream for Daddy when they cant get their own way, I think your taking it to heart. She loves you

fuzzywuzzy · 02/09/2005 11:19

Absoloutely not, she just knows she can get away with murder at her nanous. Same with my dd, she resoloutely refused to budge from my mothers on Wednesday, we ended up carrying a kicking and screaming child to the car, the tantrum ended as soon as the house disappeared from sight.
However everytime I tell off dd1, she put's her shoes on, puts her doll in the pram and anounces she's off....to nanny's house. To be honest, when my angel is behaving like that, I would happily hand her over to my mother, but I won't because mother will fill her with chocolate and crap and then hand a buzzing toddler back to me!!!!

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:22

thanks, charliecat! i feel that you must be right. maybe she senses my insecurity & uses it. i don't think so, though. i've got a twisted mind & a pretty intense relationship with my mother, but that's another story. one i won't bore you with!

taking dd to her 1st ballet class today... she loves to dance & she loves pink & princesses so it could be a match made in heaven!

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Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:25

ahhh -- fuzzywuzzy! this sounds terribly familiar. what a relief!

a few days after i came home with ds, when dd was 3, she packed her little bag with toys & declared she was leaving & going to live with Nanou. you can imagine my reaction to that, having just given birth as well!

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Enid · 02/09/2005 11:30

do you talk to her about it?

I would, a lot.

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 11:33

Enid, what should i say? i'm afraid of making an issue of it, of letting her know how much her attachment to her Nanou bothers & upsets me.

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Enid · 02/09/2005 11:37

well, don't then. I mean, don't let her see how much it upsets you. Try and hide it completely and let her feel confident enough so that she feels that she can say anything to you.

Could you sit down with her and help her write a letter to Nanou saying all the things she wants to say and how much she is looking forward to seeing her?

I think you will find if she doesnt feel guilty about her love for Nanou she may start behaving better with you.

What do you think?

lucy5 · 02/09/2005 11:42

My dd often threatens to move in with my mum. Kids learn very quickly how to play you. just remember in the middle of the night when she is ill or has a nightmare, it will be you she cries for.

flashingnose · 02/09/2005 11:43

I strongly agree with Enid.

Monstersmum · 02/09/2005 11:46

I ran away from home at age 11 to my grandmothers - because I wasn't allowed get my ears pierced. Was a bit taken aback that she took me straight back home again!

I was my grandmother's favourite - she was very hands on when i was a baby as we were living with her at the time. In fact she was first to hold me!!!! She spoilt me totally - my Dad once threatened to ban her if she didn't start treating my younger sisters the same as me - they would get a pack of Smarties and I would get tons more sweets. BUT I still loved my Mum. My grandmother used to visit twice a week and I would run home from school to see her - but it was more for what she had brought me as it was always my Mum I wanted to tell about my day. My Mum had a difficult relationship with her mother and says that she used to worry that I loved her more but my Dad pointed out that as soon as I came in the door it ws Mum I wanted.

Sorry this is a bit waffling but I just wanted to try to reassure you that of course she loves you. She obviously loves her Nanou too but Mummies are the center of their world usually. Try not to get jealous - your Mum should spoil your DD - that's her job! Imagine how you would feel if she didn't love your DD?

Hope this helps!

Original poster

sansouci · 02/09/2005 12:29

Thank you all. I feel very reassured by your collective suggestions and good sense. Sorry it took me awhile to respond but my mother just rang. (her ears must have been burning... it's 4.30 am in Vancouver!)

Feeling guilty about loving your Nanou must be terribly confusing when you're 5. poor child! off i go, feeling guilty about that. will i ever learn?

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Monstersmum · 02/09/2005 12:39

You're a Mum! You have to feel guilty - it's what we do! They don't tell you before you have children that they bring a heap of guilt with them for YOU to carry around for the rest of your life! We all feel guilty about things we've done or said etc. etc. The most important thing is that your DD knows that YOU love her - which she does.

And the more people around that love our children the better!

bobbybob · 03/09/2005 05:40

I ran off to my Grandmothers all the time with tears streaming down my face. We both had some time apart and I think it did us both good.

Just let nana be nana and go and do something else.

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