Please tell me how to talk to my 4 year old

[leplan]

DS1 seems to be having major testosterone surges at the moment. Very stroppy, teenager like behaviour, lots of aggression, not fair, not doing anything etc.

This sounds ridiculous but I have no idea how to talk to him. I try not to shout at him (although not always successful) as I know this makes his behaviour, in turn, worse.

I try to talk to him firmly but I have a feeling (which DH has also commented on) that I have just become a hectoring nag.

When I try to talk to him softly and calmly I just feel that he's walking all over me and I'm some kind of powerless pushover (that kind of, please stop kicking me darling)

Oh I sound ridiculous but I am so sick of being spoken to the way he does.

Help

We had a lot of this from DS at 4, and have just had another episode at nearly 6. I think it is quite common, and I definitely think it is hormone-related, as his behaviour was just like a stroppy teenager. I must admit I struggled with him. My mum suggested I backed off a bit, which i think was probably the right thing to do, although I found it difficult and I probably didn't do it enough.

I don't think you necessarily need to let him walk all over you, but perhaps give him a bit more leeway.

It will pass!

not ridiculous at all! It's very common I think.

I think there's a middle way between shouting and "please stop kicking me darling" though - but keeping calm is the absolute key. Try to lower the emotional temperature between you and not take his behaviour too seriously; he's doing this because he's 4 not because of his basic personality, and he won't always be 4 therefore you won't always have this problem!

If you can manage to keep perspective on his behaviour then you will keep much calmer (though we all have bad days)

I think what I did with DS was mainly based around time out but only for really bad stuff; if he hit or kicked he would have time out in his room for a few minutes. Don't expect this to change his behaviour any time soon, and don't expect him to come out full of apologies etc; what you are doing imo is imposing the consequence to his actions; not getting hung up on 'making' him learn to apologise and thus creating another battle.

For rudeness etc I would simply ignore him for a while, having told him firmly but calmly "I don't speak to you when you are rude"

Oh and try to move on from bad behaviour, don't bring it up again or let it colour your mood; once dealt with it's over and you can be praising him to high heaven for being the best boy ever, etc.

I think positive interactions and praise are really important, as well as the consequences. Hope some of this might help.

My 5 yr old girl is displaying behaviour similar to your boy so I empathise!

We're trying to be firm and calm. Explain behaviour is unacceptable. Suggest alternative ways to behave! She can be very emotional.

Ignore some of the negative behaviour. Try think of a plan and stick to it, be consistent.

Parenting can be tough! HTH

oh and meant to add that humour is a really really important tool with boys from this age, imho. I think they have fabulous senses of humour. So for instance I remember DS ordering me about rudely one day, so I stood to attention and did a very exaggerated salute and was just really silly with it, which made him laugh like mad - then I was able to say "ok, so what was it you wanted, ask me properly this time" and he was able to because it hadn't turned into a fight. Obviously this won't work all the time but it is a good tool in the armoury, I think.

i noticed a big change in ds1 as soon as he turned four. it was very difficult. he became extremely defiant and hard to reaosn with. you will be glad to know that he has settled down alot. but it was hard going for a while.

i think patience is the most important thing. he is probably scared by th esudden emotions he is feeling, tantrums can be very frightening. try to remember when he is having a meltdown or kicking off about something that he probably doesn't know why he is doing it anymore than you do.

talk to him in a low calm voice. if he is shouting and screaming then lower your voice more so he has to stop to hear what you say. try and have a plan for consequences of actions rather than just snapping and saying "go straight to your room" things like confiscation of toys or loss of privelges. something i find works really well with ds is a smiley face chart. he has certain chores that he does (makes bed, helps with dishes, puts washing away) and then there are other specific things that he can get a smiley face for like being polite, sharing, doing what he has been asked, looking after his things (this one is especially good as he tended to throw his things when tantrumming). sometimes it is hard to notice the good behaviour so you do have to keep reminding yourself, and him that he is doing it. praise the good and try hard to ignore the obvious attention seeking bad behaviour.

and be firm with your requests for good behaviour
"ds i want you to speak nicely to me, if you cannot speak nicely then i can't listen to you."

that is his chance, if he screams, shouts or is rude then walk away. he might tantrum, he might say "sorry i want to talk now".

and be consistent with your warnings and consequences. exp used to point out that i had warned ds 4 times already for the same thing and not followed it through. he needs to know that you mean what you say.

Thank you, I'm glad it's not just me.

I think the consequences is the bit that I struggle with. I think I'm inconsistent with what I ask of him. Sometimes I don't expect him to do something and sometimes I insist that he does. But then I worry that if I always insist on something I am being too uncompromising.

I'm overthinking this aren't I.

The thing that worries me most is that he is big now and he is getting stronger. His throwing and hitting and slamming doors actually does cause damage and hurt now! I feel like I have a delinquent on my hands

what sort of things are you talking about? do you mean chores or dressing himself? taht sort of thing?

Actually I don't make him do any chores which I know I should. Sometimes I ask him to lay the table or put his clothes in the washing basket but not on a daily basis.

Dressing himself is the main issue. Some days he decides that he can't get his own shoes and socks on (which he can) and then we have melodramatic attempts of him failing. Sometimes I put them on for him but today I refused and he went into meltdown.

I'm answering my own question here aren't I

we have the same issue with dressing aswell. but again i can be inconsistent which isn't helping.

sometimes ds will dress himself with verbal instruction from me and sometimes he will whinge and strop saying he can't do it when we both know he is more than capable.

i think if you had a definite chat with him about it to make it clear what you expect.

"ds you are four now, you are a big boy aren't you? so i think it is a great idea that you dress yourself now in the mornings. mummy will still help you if you get stuck with something but you know you can do it so lets do that from now on."

if he whinges or moans the first morning try letting him dress along side you while you dress. when you do socks, he does socks etc. he will probably think this is hilarious if he is anything like my ds. but he will get the idea taht you aren't doing it for him anymore.

might be a good idea to get him up a bit earlier in the beginning to allow time for the whingeing and stropping and sock throwing.

I'm so glat I've seen this thread! Sounds just like my ds1, also 4. Most recently he's started copying everything I say eg please don't do that ds1, he say's please don't do that ds1! I also go from being calm to just exploding cos I feel like he has no respect for me at all. Not enjoying being around him at the moment.

it's awful sometimes isn't it fattybum?

we love them absolutely but sometimes they are very hard to be near.

but as i said, ds turned 5 in july and things really are so much better, i think a combination of the hormones settling down and us both working hard at getting along nicely is paying off.

It also make me terrified for when they are 14!

It is reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one, and that it will get better, just hard to be positive on a daily basis!

I also find that I get irritated by the smallest things, like making silly noises or pulling stupid faces. Are all 4 year olds this annoying, or is it just mine?

I think they are programmed to instinctively know what will annoy you most.

DS does things that don't bother DH in the slightest but make my fillings hurt.

Mainly that flopping to the floor thing.

Great advice on here. I have a stroppy teenaged 5 year old girl. This has been really useful as I struggle to keep calm.

The book How to talk to children so that they listen is good. One of the main learning points that has worked for me is to explain why you want something done - e.g. Don't leave your towel on my bed because it makes the bed wet and I don't like sleeping in a wet bed - as opposed to shouting 'get that towel off the bed'.

i could be writing that post fatty, ds does all those silly things and while one day they can just be background noise sometimes they really grate on me!!

potpourri, i got that book and whilst i have heard lots of good reports about it on here i just cannot get into it. i have started it 3 times now and don't get far before i have to put it away. i just cannot visualise myself using the same techniques in our family. probably just me though.

Someone did a good summary the other day on here and emailed it to me - which gives you the key learning points - it is easier to pick and choose which might work in your family from that summary. I know what you mean, it's written a bit wordy adn instructional. But the ideas beneath all the text are interesting - like most books I guess, the secret is to take what you can from it and ignore the bits that don't suit you

Oh I am sharing your pain ladies! DS is 4 and soo stroppy, and physical, and whiney, and shouty....

I didn't get on with 'How to talk to children' either, but I was recommended 'Divas and Dictators" and that seems good so far. But like everything, it's easier read than done

It's funny, when I am feeling positive I can overlook the annoying stuff, but when ds1 has been rude all day and argumentative, I feel like I'm gonna do something I regret! Doesn't help that I've had him at home with no nursery for four years as well as ds2 who's 2! I think I just need a break, bring on school starting!

totally agree, you have to take from it the bits that will work. i also read that steve biddulph one (can't remember the name) some of it i found useful because it was setting out societies general expectations of behaviours but alot of i found was his own quite self righteous opinion of how children shoudl be raised. i actully got quite pissed off with it at some point because it was verging on sexism so i stopped reading.

does he start next week fatty?

ds has been at a mixture of creche and pre school since he was 5 months and i still struggle in the holidays. don't get me wrong, i am glad to have all that free time with him bt on teh days we have nothing planned it can be very hard work to just keep his energy at a level i can happily cope with

Yes - found Steve Biddulph the same!

Fattybum it makes such a difference how you feel doesn't it - I was shattered today (why am I still up mumsnetting?!) so DS was much harder work than when we're all full of beans and busy doing things. I definitely notice that when I'm shouty mummy in the morning, DS's behaviour is much worse for the remainder of the day.

Any advice for how to remain positive in the face of adversity (like how will we all get out of the door for school without a fight!)?

He starts 8th September. Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that is sad for him to suddenly be away all day, but I think we may have overdosed on each other, we could both do with a bit of variation! He has lots of lovely qualities, it's just hard to remember any on a bad month day.