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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

At what point do you step in when your child is being "picked on"?

33 replies

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 22:55

Dunno if picked on is the right phrase but...
Yesterday was at the park with ds 4.5, he approached two older boys - around 9 I'd say - and began talking to them about toy story.

They made it clear without being too rude that they weren't interseted in talking to him.

I tried to distract ds but he was adamant that he was playing with his "little friends".

Now, he has a tendency to repeat himself over and over so I can see - quite apart from the age gap - why the boys wouldn't have wanted to talk to him but he is also the sweetest little thing, very gentle and warm and genuinely felt these boys were friends

Fairly quickly one of the boys was very rude to ds; "just go away you're boring us" "stop saying the same rubbish over and over and over"

At this point I said he's only 4, he doesn't mean to be annoying he's just trying to be friendly. I then told ds we were going to the sand pit - and even though at some level he knew the boys didn't like him (he was clearly a little bit unsettled by now) he said that he just needed to say goodbye to his friends first He did, and was ignored by one and told "go on then" by the other.

I have to say that the vast majority of older kids - he ALWAYS seeks out the older boys to play with - are absolutely lovely with him and happy to include him, but the odd ones like these two are quite mean and usually pick up on his repetative speech.

On the one hand I want to whisk him away from kids like that but on the other I want him to understand A)that some kids just wont want to play with him and to accept that and B)that he has to try harder to have proper conversations with people - give and take, ask questions, listen etc....

So is it better to just stand back and let him learn the hard way?

(I'm inclined to think not but there was a period where his little school pal across the road didnt enjoy playing with him because ds was too repetative - in speech and games etc - and after a week or so ds did adapt his behaviour and they are firm friends again, so....)

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Latootle · 20/08/2010 23:05

can you not meet up with other friends and children similar age to focus on that??

Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:10

Well yes, he has pals from pre-school, but I cant only ever take him out when he has a friend with him.

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Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:20

Also its really not an issue about him playing with new kids, vast majority of the time they want to play with him too. And this situation could just as easily happen with friends of his own age.
The incident yesterday is simpy the catalyst for me asking the question...

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booyhoo · 20/08/2010 23:21

your ds sounds exactly like mine. he turned 5 in july. he witters on and on until someone acknowledges what he is saying and he also will try and tag onto 'friends' at the park without even being made welcome. it is heartbreaking to see children being mean to him but i think you did the right thing by reminding them that he was 4. your son needs to know that you are tehre to back him up and protect him but it is also good for the other children to be reminded that smaller people often have bigger people looking out for them.

wrt to your son repeating things, it would be good if you could work with him at home to try and show him that it is irritating to some people although if he is like my son, he needs to know he has been heard so will repeat until he gets a response. it is hard though, i know ds sometimes irrtates his friends aswell.

booyhoo · 20/08/2010 23:23

something that helps us by the way is teaching ds to say "excuse me, i have something to say/i want to tell you something" it works. people will automatically stop and say either "what would you like to tell me" or they say "just wait til i am finished talking and then i will hear you" or similar. although it is better with adults than kids tbh.

seeker · 20/08/2010 23:24

I do think it's very important not to let little children bother older ones. I know it's hard, but for a 9 year old, a 4 year old might as well be from another planet. If they are prepared to be kind and nice then great - but you mustn't expect them to, or think it;s "picking on " him if they don't want to. They've got important big boy stuff to do - they haven't got much time to spare for a 4 year old.

booyhoo · 20/08/2010 23:27

very true seeker. we have to remind ds that older children don't always like to play with smaller ones. he finds this hard to understand and takes it very personally but he has to learn that he is not the centre of everyone's universe.

Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:32

"Excuse me I want to tell you something" Oh thats a brilliant idea booyhoo. Will definitely try and teach him that. And yes, I think you're right that it's important ds knows I am there to stand up for him if needs be. Thank you.

Seeker - I dont necessarily agree its important not let little children bother older children, if only for the fact that most of them are very happy to include him in their games. I certainly don't mind them making it clear if they'd rather he didn't play but no, I don't think it's alright to be rude. I wouldn't let ds away with that. (and I did say that "picked on" may not have been the right phrase - just trying to keep it brief for the title)

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colditz · 20/08/2010 23:36

The older boys, in their 9 year old way, had made it as clear as they could without being rude that they didn't want to talk to him.

It was at this point that you should have stepped in.

They should not have been rude to him at all, but at that point, their option was to be rude or let him come and dominate their conversation, in the manner of 4 year olds world wide.

Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:37

We also explain that sometimes other children wont want to play with him, especially older children as they enjoy different kinds of games etc and that that's ok, it's just knowing when to stand back and let him be told in no uncertain terms - as happened yesterday - or to step in first and divert his attention?
Because stepping in hasn't taught him much so far, he just keeps trying, but also it's very hard to leave him to figure it out himself.

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colditz · 20/08/2010 23:38

he will grow out of it - it's something that is more learned than taught.

PixieOnaLeaf · 20/08/2010 23:40

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Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:40

I do hope so

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PixieOnaLeaf · 20/08/2010 23:44

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PixieOnaLeaf · 20/08/2010 23:45

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booyhoo · 20/08/2010 23:45

pixie that is so true, sometimes we are so wrapped up in what is happening to our own dc we forget that each and every other child is dealing with the situation aswell in the best way they know how.

Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 20/08/2010 23:51

I see what you mean Pixie and I ahdn't thought about it from that point of view, although I usually think I can spot the kids who are letting him tag along under sufferance and I'll move him onto something else if I think thats the case...but i'll bear that in mind - I also remember annoying younger kids getting in the way.
Though they were usually my siblings

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Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 21/08/2010 00:28

I think I've muddled my point anyway. I have no problem in telling him to leave other kids be or them telling him they dont want him to play or whatever.
Just wondering whether it's better to let the other child be the one to be blunt with him or if I should tell him before it gets to that point.

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Goblinchild · 21/08/2010 07:34

I'd say at the moment you need to intervene if you feel that a 9 year old telling your DS to
'just go away you're boring us' is them picking on him.
They have the right to play without being pestered, especially as they'd already sent clear signals that you were aware of indicating that they didn't want to talk to him. Why should they have to socialise with your DS? An unknown infant?
They might well have liked him in another situation, and believing that it was linked to his S&L issues is purely your interpretation. He is 4, they are 9ish. They play in different ways and were already enjoying themselves.
By ignoring that, you and your DS created the need for the rebuff to be more blunt. DS wasn't aware why, you were.
How would you have felt if instead of speaking they'd given him a push, or been more unkind? If they'd played with him, and he'd got hurt because he's not up to it? If they'd upset you by not doing something, or doing something wrongly and had you intervene to tell them off?
'Whisk him away from kids like this'? They sound perfectly normal to me.
He may be an adorable child to you and many others, but when he's being irritating you either intervene or take the consequences.
I'm forever removing 4 year olds gently but firmly from the playground designated as Upper KS2 football when I'm on duty. By October, most of them understand that the big boys aren't being mean, they are allowed to play their own games.

My two children have younger cousins from multiple relatives. They play and entertain them happily, age gap at least 4 years.
Except the one set who have a very protective and interventionist parent who has clear rules on everything to do with their parenting. Playing with her children when she's there is like attempting to juggle unstable gelignite. So mine manage for a while, then slope off. And that's with cousins.

seeker · 21/08/2010 07:58

It's also really important to encourage him to play with children his own age - when he goes to school you won't be there to intervene, and he does need to understand that the year 4s and 5s will be kind to Reception and year 1 children 9usually) but most definitely won't want to include them in their games.

Tortington · 21/08/2010 08:01

yip, the hard way is best. it is all part of the socialisation process.

PixieOnaLeaf · 21/08/2010 10:19

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Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 21/08/2010 13:08

Um thanks all but I'm perfectly happy wrt how he plays, who he plays with etc.

This seems to have turned into an issue about older children and that really is nothing to do with it. I can see those issues as they arise and deal wirth them as necessary.

The situation the other day really wasn't that big a deal - ds wanted to talk, thay made it clear they didn't want to. Thats all fine. I just used it to illustrate my point but actually it just muddled what I was asking.

My question was just - in the situation where another child is being rude or blunt to ds do I step in or do I let them carry on = Which is the better way for ds to learn? Thats all! but glad you've had a chance to get some of the other stuff off your chests (and off of your ds's chest pixie!)- I'll bear it all in mind but so far I think we've got the balance right.

Thanks Custy - thats what I was after

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 21/08/2010 13:29

You did come across as very single-minded, and rather unsympathetic as to the reasons he might have had that response in your first post.
You were also very negative about the older boys.
So that might be why some of us attempted to give an alternative viewpoint.

Original poster

FallingWithStyle · 21/08/2010 13:37

Yes Goblinchild - I rather lost my own point in amongst my rambling OP. Cheers.

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