At what point do you step in when your child is being "picked on"?

[FallingWithStyle]

Dunno if picked on is the right phrase but...
Yesterday was at the park with ds 4.5, he approached two older boys - around 9 I'd say - and began talking to them about toy story.

They made it clear without being too rude that they weren't interseted in talking to him.

I tried to distract ds but he was adamant that he was playing with his "little friends".

Now, he has a tendency to repeat himself over and over so I can see - quite apart from the age gap - why the boys wouldn't have wanted to talk to him but he is also the sweetest little thing, very gentle and warm and genuinely felt these boys were friends

Fairly quickly one of the boys was very rude to ds; "just go away you're boring us" "stop saying the same rubbish over and over and over"

At this point I said he's only 4, he doesn't mean to be annoying he's just trying to be friendly. I then told ds we were going to the sand pit - and even though at some level he knew the boys didn't like him (he was clearly a little bit unsettled by now) he said that he just needed to say goodbye to his friends first He did, and was ignored by one and told "go on then" by the other.

I have to say that the vast majority of older kids - he ALWAYS seeks out the older boys to play with - are absolutely lovely with him and happy to include him, but the odd ones like these two are quite mean and usually pick up on his repetative speech.

On the one hand I want to whisk him away from kids like that but on the other I want him to understand A)that some kids just wont want to play with him and to accept that and B)that he has to try harder to have proper conversations with people - give and take, ask questions, listen etc....

So is it better to just stand back and let him learn the hard way?

(I'm inclined to think not but there was a period where his little school pal across the road didnt enjoy playing with him because ds was too repetative - in speech and games etc - and after a week or so ds did adapt his behaviour and they are firm friends again, so....)

I have gone back to your OP, FWS, and it does read as though you thought the 9 year ods concerned should have included your ds in their game. You say "I have to say that the vast majority of older kids - he ALWAYS seeks out the older boys to play with - are absolutely lovely with him and happy to include him, but the odd ones like these two are quite mean" I didn't see anything mean in what they did - they at first politely, then more forcefully asked him to leave them alone. I think the fact that you called thia "picking on him" made some of us feel that you might need to reconsider your views.

I was also concerned that you say he ALWAYS wants to play with older boys - that's why I suggested encouraging him to play with children his own age because he might find thigs difficult at school if he doesn't.

Big kids are mean to little kids, its the unfortunate way of the world. DS(7) can't comprehend that he is as annoying to 11 year olds as 4 year olds are to him. He will quite happily play with a toddler until a better offer comes along and then he drops them like a stone when the bigger kids arrive-super mean!

Seeker - he has just done a year of pre-school and its all been fine, he'll be in reception with the same children so it doesn't feel as big a change iyswim,
But yes, I would rather he looked for the children his own age at the park, I've no idea why he doesn't as he loves playing with his school pals

Giddyup - kids can be mean to each other, not often though ime - I'm sure kids were meaner when I was younger!

Pixie - yeah thats just it, if he doesn't pick up on the clues then of course the other child will just get more blunt in response. They dont have much other option.

I kind of think he'll learn quicker if he hears from the other kids in no uncertain terms - It's just that I feel mean for not intervening before it gets to that point.

I think it'll have to be a bit of both.

I would leave them all to get on with it tbh. Years ago when kids used to play out all day on the streets, before traffic became a real problem, mums werent around to field nasty comments - stay out of it unless they say something is particularly nasty, in which case feel free to tell the little sods to back off.

I don't think "picking on" was the right phrase, and the 9 year olds, as you state' were perfectly polite the first time they tried to disengage. You then stepped in. So I think that's answered your question about what you do when your child interrupts unknown children in the playground. If you want to encourage continuing politeness, then that would also be the right moment to thank the other boys for their tolerance.

If your son does not respond to your intervention, as he seems not to have done here, it's up to you to find other ways to deal with moving him on.

you should step in and reinforce the older boys request for him to "go away" so that the 9 year olds don't have to be rude to rid themselves of what is after all a 4 year old nuisance

children should not be used as baby sitters

in other situations you may well see a group of children of different ages quite happily playing in which case it's fine - but you need to reinforce to your child that he is not allowed to bug other kids - it's a play-rule and one he is well to learn

it's a fine line - you'll learn it over time